Ptsd Husband Cancelled Invites To Thanksgiving. Help

[Trying best]

My husband has severe ptsd from 17 years of serving. He also has depression, nightmares, insomnia, suicidal thoughts etc. as his wife, I have discovered that the one thing that helps him is to keep him happy at all times. This can be hard sometimes but most of the time if he is happy then is positive energy already flowing in the air. There I nothing that really bugs me is that he changes his mind a lot especially last minute. For example, I told my mom she could come over for thanksgiving and he knew that I was hosting it. Now there is 2 days left for thanksgiving and he doesn't want it and wants me to cancel it.

My mom and he has a good relationship and I don't want this to be jeopardized by awkwardness between them as I have to tell her that he doesn't wanna do it. He says this is his house and his safe haven and doesn't feel like celebrating. But in all honesty, I feel like he is wrong in changing his mind about such an important family holiday. I would understand if it was another not as important event but as much I care for him and love him, I absolutely don't agree with this. What do you think, am I unreasonable or is he?? I have another event coming up which he already gave me approval for and now I'm worried that he is going to cancel it and I don't want to have to be the one to inform the people about this inconsistency in my invites. Help??

 

[MyWifeHasPTSD]

as his wife, I have discovered that the one thing that helps him is to keep him happy at al time.

Wow, that must be an exhausting job: trying to keep a person happy... at ALL times! Wish my wife had just a bit of that desire.

 

[Trying best]

I understand and I would love to keep him happy but can I draw a line somewhere ?? What if our kids wants to celebrate Christmas and he already said he doesn't want to celebrate it. This is not just about canceling Thanksgiving, it's about family traditions for years to come and being inconsistent in decision making. I'm okay with the inconsistencies but not when it is vital to family traditions.

 

[MyWifeHasPTSD]

Unfortunately, you can't 'make' a person keep their word. At this point, all you can do is tell him how important it is to you & your family.

 

[Trying best]

I have told him how important it is and if I focus on the importance of it he responded by saying " it can't be important than how I feel", he also says that he will leave for the day if anyone visits that day. Don't know if it is a threat or not but I don't want my mom to think there is craziness going on. And he loves my mom too. Suddenly he hates everyone. Ptsd symptom of course!

 

[arfie]

I get this sketchy with holidays, too. Even in full episode, I feel bad about it, but... It is what it is.

The compromise my husband, sons and I have worked out is that I go off and do what I need to do while the family keeps the customs according to their needs and wishes. I hold that they should not be ordering their lives by the unpredictable nature of my PTSD. I believe it is more than enough that they generally support me in my recovery. It is their house, too. I have a big world I can carry my yaddah blahs to for however long I need to.

 

[MyWifeHasPTSD]

You stated, "...he also says that he will leave for the day if anyone visits that day." And? Let him leave. Believe it or not, the world doesn't revolve around this person. He doesn't seem to really care about keeping his word, AND how important this is to you & your family, 1 of ONLY 3 major holiday's (Thanksgiving; Christmas; & Easter).

 

[Trying best]

I get this sketchy with holidays, too. Even in full episode, I feel bad about it, but... It is what it is.

Yes, I told him that this is my house too and that we both have to compromise as to what takes place in this house. If it were a stupid unimportant event , I would whole heartedly cancel it. I think that ptsd should not be used as a hall pass every time. And I told him that he has to compromise when family traditions or holidays are to be taken place. He got all upset saying this is his "safe haven" and that he is gonna be anti social and leave the house . I'm so tourney any upset by this. Am I wrong to ask him to host thanksgving

 

[Trying best]

@MyWifeHasPTSD The problem is that him saying "oh I'm gonna leave blah blah blah" is an indirect threat stating that I'm going to make it obvious that I'm leaving as I'm not having a good time. I don't want my mom who has done so much for us to feel like she is uninvited or is creating tension between him and I. It will be an awkward situation during dinner

 

[MyWifeHasPTSD]

...didn't he already say, "yes" to hosting Thanksgiving at your home-- just remind him of that fact. There really isn't much more you can do.

 

[Trying best]

That's what I'm saying , I asked for his approval and he said yes and now he is Turing back. Sometimes makes me feel that this isn't even my home as I have to ask permission to host or create an event or anything and when he wants to he invites whoever he wants to. I'm just sick of this

 

[MyWifeHasPTSD]

Trust me, I know how you feel-- I also married a person w/ PTSD. I've gone thru (& continue to go through) hell for the past 9 years. Hey, at least you're not homeless like I am.. thanks to my wife's untreated PTSD.