Over Analyzing T's Question

[Reds]

I had my session on Monday and I was able to open up to my t about the sexual relationship I had with my previous t. For the first time ever I was able to tell someone about it and how the previous t left me shuttered when she told me we had to stop seeing each other. The other reason I had to open up is that my ex t has started contacting me again and she wants to meet, I have been struggling on deciding whether or not I should meet with her.

So this is a piece of the dialog with my t on Monday:

T: so what if the relationship was with someone else
Me: someone else like who
T: someone like a different t,
Me: like a sexual relationship with a different t?
T: Yes, how would you feel if you had a sexual relationship with a different t?

I trust my t and she has never done anything to make me feel uncomfortable. But this sounded to me as though she was asking me how I would feel if I had a sexual relationship with her. I know I might be over analyzing her question but how does it sound to you?

Same session she asked me to be open to her about everything and right now I am thinking of asking her if she is sexually attracted to me. But I do not want to be reading too much into nothing.
So your input and advice will be appreciated. These questions are stuck on my mind.

Yesterday she replied to one of my emails and she sounded so casual even added a smiley, we do talk over emails but her replies are always straight and very formal. Maybe I am over analyzing things

 

[Candleflames]

I am so sorry you experienced such a violation of trust from your former therapist. Of course you were shatter when she ended things. She broke some serious boundaries when she started a romantic relationship with you. We go to therapy in a very vulnerable state and the onus of maintaining a safe environment for us to explore our traumas is on the therapist. Not only did she hurt you romantically but she destroyed the safe place you should have had for healing. I think it is a gross miscarriage of her duties as a caregiver and you shouldn't see her.

I want to make sure you know that I in no way fault you for what happened. You should have been safe and cared for and you weren't.

The conversation with your new therapist make me very uncomfortable and I am wondering if she is at the very least fishing for reassurance from you that she is attractive and desirable. I think, and hope, that her response was more of a knee jerk reaction of "what about me?" I'm pretty sure that if that conversation had happened during my therapy session I would have freaked out.

You say she has never done anything that has made you feel uncomfortable but didn't this conversation make you bristle a bit?

I do think you should bring up the conversation with her and ask. Maybe there is some therapeutic value to her questions that we can't see because of our emotions. I don't think the topic of therapist-patient sex should be off limits in conversations as dreams and fantasies can be important clues to where we are in our process and what we still need. This could lead to an important break through for you.

Do have an idea on how you would approach the subject? Have you been able to articulate exactly how you felt in the moment and how you feelings changed after some reflection? Do you know exactly what you want to say? Are you looking for a specific response? What do you think would be most helpful for you to hear?

 

[scout86]

Perhaps she's actually wondering if you now see why that kind of relationship with your T is a mistake? Theoretically, the therapist has the capacity to make the right choice, even if the client doesn't. But, best of all possible worlds, the client knows :"the rules" and the reasons for those "rules" and can make an appropriate choice. I can see how it's easy, especially with your previous experience, to take it as inappropriate, but it COULD be something else. This might be a good time to express yourself on the subject of "boundaries". YOU get to have an opinion too, you know.

And, the previous T seems to not get the whole boundary thing too well. Is that the kind of person you need to have in your life?

 

[HelenB]

I am also sorry about your previous relationship with your past therapist, as there are boundaries which really should not have been crossed. From what your currrent therapist has said I wonder if she was trying to assertain how you view her, as I know that this would be important for her to understand within your relationship and would myself not read into it that she was attracted to you or that she herself would cross these boundaries. I do feel that her asking you to be open with her is also very important within this, because if it is something you can both be aware of, it can be addressed and she would then be able to ensure that she really can ensure that you can have a safe relationship with her, which is so important.

I would also assume that she herself would be having supervision for the therapy she is giving you, and would hope that this would be an issue which she would be able to discuss with her supervisor and realy hope that you are able to discuss it all with her and find the really safe place, which you do deserve.

I know you have also said that your previous therpaist has been in contact and is wanting to meet up, and really hope you have also been able to have the space to evaluate all of your own needs within this and all the emotions which this must be bringing up and that you are able to find clarity and peace throughout it all.

God Bless
Helen

 

[The Albatross]

The thing is Reds... these impressions are best expressed at the moment they occur in session.

 

[Lucycat]

right now I am thinking of asking her if she is sexually attracted to me.

...and how would you feel if she said yes?
Are you attracted to her?
What reply are you wanting from her?

I am thinking she is asking from a very professional basis, wanting to understand you better. However from your post I am unsure of what you are reading into this.

She is your THERAPIST!

 

[Leah123]

I really suggest bringing your post into session, it needs to be worked through directly so both of your perceptions of what happened are available

 

[arfie]

I do not have the ethical dilemma of sex with any of my therapists to complicate things. My heart shudders at the thought. Still...

I experienced a great deal of sexual confusion with every therapist who worked with me on the sexual abuse issues. The confusion ran the gambit from wet dreams to misinterpretation to over-analyzing to transference to... It be very complex territory. Touches the entire human emotional spectrum.

Hope you figure out what it is for you, Reds.

 

[DMerish]

Hi Reds,

You neglected to include the ending . . . how did you answer your T after she confirmed that what she was asking you was how you would you feel if you had a sexual relationship with a different T? . . . I'm curious, and also wonder if you were aware of any sort of physical reaction at the time the topic was brought up . . . ?

The thing is Reds... these impressions are best expressed at the moment they occur in session.

The Albatross is sooooo "right on" target!

I know with me though, that if I'm a bit caught off guard by someone's question that I'll sometimes forget to ask the question, "Why do you ask that?" in order to be sure the communication between us is clear. Then later, I'll question what was the message the person was really trying to convey :confused: Or, question whether the person was trying to give me a mixed message just to see how I'd respond, which is sort of messing with one's head and not nice :eek: And then, if I think I might like to continue any type of relationship with the person I have to make myself go back and ask what might seem like a silly or embarrassing question. Like "Are you attracted to me?" The answer back was "yes" only once :rolleyes:

Anyhoo, I don't think you're "over" analyzing - I think you just realize there was a bit of miscommunication and you just want that to be cleared up. That happens to folks all the time.

Drew ;)

 

[Abstract]

It seems to me that you are fearful of reliving the trauma of what you experienced in the past with your last t. And I think it is the most normal thing in the world considering your past. There is going to be a lot of transference for anyone trying to have therapy after a therapist has violated their trust.

I am hoping your t's questions are about exploring how you see what happened in the past and stopping you from doing something potentially damaging in the present - having any contact with your ex t.

If this is a good and safe t then discussing your thoughts will give her a chance to separate herself from your ex t and help build some of that broken trust of yours.

If this is what you fear then I do believe you will pick it up when you discuss this directly with her. In that case you leave treatment with her directly. You would be very unlucky if that is the case. I am hoping that her saying she hopes you are open to her was a way of making you feel ok about discussing the past with her and the more informal communication from her is a sign of her approval that you have felt ok about opening up to her about the past.

Let us know how it goes. Please stay away from the ex t completely.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I hope for your sake you do not contact your old therapist. Her actions could get her license taken away. She took advantage of you.

PS No gift. When dealing with wonky boundaries, it's best to be cautious.

 

[Reds]

I can only access this forum after hours, so my responses will always be delayed

Do have an idea on how you would approach the subject? Have you been able to articulate exactly how you felt in the moment and how you feelings changed after some reflection? Do you know exactly what you want to say? Are you looking for a specific response? What do you think would be most helpful for you to hear?

I am not sure how I would approach the subject, maybe I should ask if she thinks I am sexually attracted to her. Then we can clarify things from there. I have no sexual interest on her at all, if anything I see her like a mom. I want her to tell me she is comfortable around me and that non of us has sexual interest on the other.

You neglected to include the ending . . . how did you answer your T after she confirmed that what she was asking you was how you would you feel if you had a sexual relationship with a different T? . . . I'm curious, and also wonder if you were aware of any sort of physical reaction at the time the topic was brought up . . . ?

Lol, DMerish, I didn't answer her, that question was followed by silence then she knew she had to change the subject. I honestly didn't have an answer for her. I am not aware of any physical reaction, I hide behind the couch during sessions.