On Jan 16th I will be returning to the place where my last flashback was triggered. I was at work yestle erday, and feeling fairly comfortable being there. I realized I have worked in this particular location at least twice since being triggered, so I am getting comfortable there. Then, I started thinking about going back to the place I was triggered, and started getting real anxious about it. I also realized, I have to go there. I cannot avoid it. I have to face this fear of returning to the place that reawakened the pain of my trauma.
I have to confess the thought of doing this is frightening; even sitting here writing about it scares me. I do not know how I will respond to being there; will I retrigger? Or just spend an anxiety filled day? I suspect the latter.I think as a safety net I am going to approach one of the Supervisors I trust the most to request being there. She was there when I got triggered and has been around one other time when I was triggered, so she is familiar with how I react in certain situations.
Again, the idea of doing this really frightens me, and due to the fact that it frightens me so much may actually trigger a flashback, but that is a risk I must take. I will talk with my manager this week to make sure I am scheduled to work that location on the 16th. I will also talk with the supervisor about working it. This, in its self really bites. The idea of demonstrating, or admitting weakness to a co-worker just really stinks. I so wish I was normal, without all the long-term effects of being traumatized. it is hard knowing this lady has seen me crying like a baby at something that would roll off of most other people's shoulders, and to her credit she has never demonstrated any kind of judgement, or revulsion toward me.
Another thing that is so hard for me with this situation; I have known this supervisor for nine years, but because of my screwed up thinking due to the trauma I don't know if she just thinks of me as a co-worker or as a friend (She was just recently promoted, and worked at the same position I am in until her promotion) It would be easier if I knew she thought of me as a friend. It is one thing if someone offers to help you because it is their job. It is another thing if they offer to help because they are a friend, and right now what I need is a friend. Because of my trauma, and the associated negative feelings about myself, its hard to develop good friendships, and that makes dealing with this whole business very hard. The only "friends" I have are at work, and I don't know if any of them think of me as a friend. Sorry, if you are reading this, I am rambling.
Wow this business has sure complicated things for me. I use to be comfortable, and confident at work. Now, I am not as comfortable, but my confidence in doing my job is returning. I am suppose to meet with the manager, and the supervisors sometime in the next two weeks, hopefully, to come up with some kind of a plan for developing a support network. Am I comfortable using my manager and supervisors as a support network? Yes and no. Yes because of the uniqueness of our work situation, we are almost like a family, but at the same time, no because it is work. Fortunately, I don't think this is going to be included in my official work file; it is being handled more like a family matter.
So, I will have other post between now and jan 16th, but I will most difinitely post how my day goes on the 16th.
