Terrified At The Idea Of Being Myself Around People.

[Meadowsweet]

in therapy yesterday we got onto talking about friendships. My Therapist challenged me on the fact that I'm not myself in friendships, the idea of saying what I think and feel is something that doesn't occur to me to do.

But what leaves me a bit shocked from it, is that the idea of being myself, or letting people see the genuine 'me' feels very very threatening. My anxiety is too high at this moment to even begin to work out why I feel so panicked by the idea.

By the real 'me', I mean expressing what I think, feel, like or dislike in the moment. this is what I'm so scared of.

I just wanted to put it here in the hope that someone might have some insight into this problem.

 

[ms spock]

Absolutely Meadowsweet. I totally get how how this would be scary for you.

 

[ms spock]

But what leaves me a bit shocked from it, is that the idea of being myself, or letting people see the genuine 'me' feels very very threatening. My anxiety is too high at this moment to even begin to work out why I feel so panicked by the idea.

By the real 'me', I mean expressing what I think, feel, like or dislike in the moment. this is what I'm so scared of.

This may or may not gel with you but to me it is a fear of actually being seen, heard and noticed. Whilst I be silent or agreeable then no one really knows who I am and if it doesn't work out then it doesn't matter.

But if I say what I think, feel, like or dislike in the moment then I am putting myself out there and it is me. And that matters, rejection or the idea of rejection is hard.

If you had childhood neglect, abandonment and abuse then that is further complicated.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Yes, that sounds very much like what I'm feeling Ms spock.

 

[ms spock]

Glad to be of help Meadowsweet.

 

[digger]

If you've had a childhood where your feelings and opinions are repeatedly dismissed and denied, and where expressing them, expressing yourself, being yourself, results in negative responses, then I think that is hard not to carry with you as an expectation in other relationships too?

 

[Stanley Shi-Yume]

I'm getting that very severely at the moment. What it really is, this feeling that I'm two different people.

The broken one is at the helm most of the time. When I glimpse the good one it's alarming. I barely know that other person. I don't know how it will respond to people, there's no telling what I might do, and that's almost the point. I want to do those things, tell people what's really going on in here, really share me.. so I can connect. Have a friendship for the first time.

The more you try to control anything the less you actually do. So accessing this good identity is like jumping off of buildings over and over. It's dreamscape. It doesn't ever feel like it will get easier. I call it the vulnerability rush.

To be honest to myself, accepting the lack of control seems like a first step. Displaying power over my weakness of counter dependence is the overall goal. Yes, of course, this is gonna hurt. Even now I feel like cutting out most of what I wrote, like I just end up rambling stuff that is only comprehensible to me.

 

[Hashi]

I have quite a distanced view of this because I don't experience it myself.

What I'd say is that I think we all show different aspects of ourselves in different situations. Not in a dissociative or splitting way, but simply in the way of what's appropriate to the situation. For example, the self that I am at with my boss at work is not identical to the self that I am with my best friend. I'm more polite, more careful, I keep more things private. That doesn't mean I'm being inauthentic, it just means I'm being appropriate.

Sometimes I see a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy of rejection when people decide to "be themselves" in a relationship, if the self that they bring out is a wounded and/or child self. This can manifest in various ways, like neediness or over-sharing when they've only just met someone. As a result, they conclude that it's not OK to be themselves. To be blunt, it probably isn't going to be very successful to be a child or wounded self in a new friendship, unless the other person is co-dependent. However, it is OK to be the adult part of ourselves, and if we're being the adult part of ourselves that also helps with not taking incompatibility as rejection.

I'm not saying this with the intention of making anyone feel bad or more nervous. Meadowsweet, I'm also not suggesting that this is what you tend to do. I just want to highlight it to suggest that "being yourself" has a number of different expressions. You don't have to put your whole self out there at the start of a friendship, in fact it's likely to be counterproductive. Most friendships begin with socialising and shared interests, not with a lot of revealing and sharing from the outset. So it's OK - and usual - to start with the more surface aspects of yourself - your leisure likes and dislikes, your preferences in food etc - because that's still you.

For me, being able to see a boundary of appropriateness to the situation means I can allow myself to be less guarded within the boundary, and more myself up to that point. Without having a sense of that healthy boundary, I would feel I needed to be guarded about everything.

Some friendships stay social, some develop further. If you do go beyond the socialising, then I still think it's worth thinking about the aspects of yourself that you expect to bring in - especially between adult/child and wounded/coping aspects.

I find transactional analysis very helpful when thinking about relationships with people. A child aspect is looking for a parent, not a friend. A wounded aspect is looking for a rescuer. An adult aspect is looking to connect with another adult. That doesn't mean you have to pretend you've had no psychological injuries, it just means that with a friend you would probably approach that differently than with a caregiver or therapist. And also, you are more than the psychological injuries. You are other things too.

 

[Seasounds]

Dealing with this issue myself, for many years, and still having a long was to go, I'd add to the wisdom above by sharing what has helped me:

• Approaching this socialization skill by with the (internal) attitude of 'playfulness'. This helps me set aside fear and instead, approach sharing myself-appropriate to the situation, with sensitivity and creativity.
• Community acting and improvisation classes were helpful; they invite playing with greater expression. If the teacher is good, they also cultivate an atmosphere of support when an experiment (of expression) doesn't work. Laughter also helped loosen me up.
• Being myself has fundamentally involved (me) feeling relaxed-enough to be myself, developing the ability to express myself, responding to others (instead of being frozen) and customizing my expression to the people I am with-as Hashi pointed out.
• Finally, I needed a plan to help me recover from social "ouches", in the learning process. Calling friends for support, meeting with therapists, and this forum, have been part of the plan.
• For safety, of myself and my relationships, I approach anger either by first expressing it physically and verbally into pillows; then I communicate with the other person by saying "I feel angry", or "what I've discovered I need" statements, instead of "you make me angry ". Anger is good, yet tough, for most people, and for many relationships to tolerate-so triggering.

 

[macca]

I get this too. I had the emotional abuse and neglect growing up too - it seems to be wrapped up in this. I started getting past it a little bit when I realised that saying and doing what I thought was wanted or expected of me often backfired anyway. Though I still only let people in so far, then there is no way they get any further in. Still got work to do. It IS scary, and there is a reason this is scary for you. Maybe you could start trying to do it very, very gradually, starting with saying one thing to one person you feel relatively safe with, and going from there?

 

[Abstract]

For me it was a few things. Mostly it was a defence as the more someone knows about me the more "goods" they have on me. The more material they have to potentially harm me. Essentially its putting on a false self. The other thing is that visceral expectation that having an opinion will be met by something bad happening. I think that is about the past and past experience. I had a default of just thinking that if I wasn't there at all I would be safer. Answer - dissociation. I identify with Pete Walkers freeze type a lot.

The way to get over it is practice which isn't comfortable but is worth it.

How are you with assertiveness? Does it bring great seemingly irrational fear? That balance between overly apologetic or careful assertiveness and aggressive assertiveness (neither are truly assertive) and the real deal which is unapologetic and clear but not aggressive.

 

[maryiscontrary]

Boy, I relate to this as well. I say that macca has some very good advice. Find one person who has emotional intelligence and practice with them.

I get this too. I had the emotional abuse and neglect growing up too - it seems to be wrapped up in this. I started getting past it a little bit when I realised that saying and doing what I thought was wanted or expected of me often backfired anyway. Though I still only let people in so far, then there is no way they get any further in. Still got work to do. It IS scary, and there is a reason this is scary for you. Maybe you could start trying to do it very, very gradually, starting with saying one thing to one person you feel relatively safe with, and going from there?