Gender and self injury by cutting

[Abstract]

I "inadvertently" do things that make me bleed - like shaving my legs carelessly or scratching too hard without noticing

I do think this is worth looking at. Interestingly it seems they grouped this with cutting in the research. In my experience subconscious scratching and other similar behaviours usually fall into a few things. Grounding. Emotional moderation. And my brain attempting to force me to see something or take notice. On the emotion moderation front it seems to specifically come up in interpersonal situations and relating to therapy specifically. This can also happen as an expression of self hatred. Especially when highly dissociated.

Being aware of that helps me to not do i

I fought the idea for a long time but am finally facing that there seems to be an element of communication about it for me for want of a better word. Maybe it is about the conversion of primitive emotions or concepts into a more solid form. When I understand what is happening it tends to help me deal with it.

When it comes to cutting, I very strongly don't want to do it. I have a sort of explosion of thoughts and associations with that. It both was and positively wasn't part of my trauma

It does sound like it is possible that your reaction to conscious cutting and the resultant bleeding is being affected by your trauma and having conflicting feelings as a result.

I suspect people use cutting for every possible reason SH wise and that some do it impulsively and others controlledly but for me I think some of what digger says gels. It isn't really about feeling pain. I will say that in some senses with cutting I have more serious intent to harm. I want to see the harm that is done. I want to see blood. I am ashamed to say this but I like seeing the mark afterwards even if I am ashamed of them. I don't feel that way about unconscious scratching or harming at all. Very much hate it and find it disturbing in a different way.

Hitting myself is often more an act of anger I think for me, or a means of snapping me out of something such as ruminations. Strangely I feel too embarrassed to mention one or two others. I don't burn myself. I have done it maybe twice mildly. I don't like burns and am afraid of being burnt. I suspect these are the main key things people do anyway. Cutting (and scratching etc), burning and hitting. All in amillion different ways and for a million different reasons. Oh, and headbutting is sure to be common.

Picking and pulling hair of all types is very linked to OCD and there is much debate about what it is and is not but again I think it is very different for different people.

My reasons don't just vary with type so much I think. They vary a lot depending on situation. I don't really cut impulsively and severely in the way that some people do when it is done consciously but is acted out severely as an impulse. I do it it unknowingly if I am battling with my brain and it is seemingly trying to battle something through. And all the other reasons.

Others will use it to get someone to take their distress seriously; moderate emotions; express the depth of their pain; punish themselves (I don't do this but some people punish themselves for everything with self harm of some type); have satisfaction in that they feel they deserve to be harmed (have internalised the abuse and are perpetuating it on themselves). Stop them from talking or get them to talk (I know macca and I do this one).

Hitting is more impulsive for me than cutting.

I actually don't think you are going to get a general definite meaning for cutting. I suspect part of its appeal is that the harm is easily adjustable and it is easy to do. I think you can try these on for size but I suspect that you don't do conscious cutting has zero to do with gender related stuff for you and is more to do with trauma and why you personally do it. There are obviously a lot of men who self harm with cutting from the research any way.

As for trauma related stuff. I am not sure about re-enacting. This is the one area that is a no go for me. Waffling finished. It's possible you may be able to scratch something out of that....

 

[Abstract]

I just wanted to add that I am at my worst when I need professional help badly but am determined not to have it, or am convinced I should not have it. Or when I am trying to face a trauma and a part of me is trying to avoid me getting professional help. That is cutting, hitting or the urge to strangle or hit my throat.

Last thing is that I have intrusive very graphic and gruesome images of self harm that belong in a horror film when I have ventured closer to trauma. That and the throat stuff.

 

[Hashi]

I actually don't think you are going to get a general definite meaning for cutting.

That's OK, I wasn't expecting to. Just to get different thoughts and ideas in the hope that some would click with me, which they do.
Things like the self care needed afterwards, and the symbolic release - I think I probably react against those things, so I'd be less inclined to do something representing that.

@Abstract interesting what you said about scratching, too.

I know I started this thread, but it's a tough one to follow. Hard to read about people wanting/needing to self harm, for obvious reasons of wishing so many of us weren't affected in this way. Also I'm only just beginning to really look at me and self harm.... another difficult thing to face in myself.

 

[Abstract]

I found it very shameful and shame making @Hashi. I did some work on this on a forum before I started posting more on here and it was very hard to do. It helped that it was a very gentle and private place.

I will be very honest here and say that there are many things about self harm that I wanted to dissociate myself from as completely as I could. I hope that doesn't offend anyone but it is the truth.

 

[WillowMarie]

I agree with many people about the difference in how men and women are accepted to express their anger. For guys, it is more sociably acceptable to take it out on other and objects and yelling. Girls are taught to keep it in more.

For me, I started self-injuring around 8-9 years old. I remember banging my head against walls, but don't remember specifics or what I was upset about. I don't remember why I started or how it came about.

Around 12 it changed to scratching myself with my nails. Anger has always been a hard emotion for me. Not having control over things, maybe feeling ashamed. It just keeps building until it reaches this intensity and I feel like I am going to explode (I never learned how to express myself appropriately). For me, self-injury brings about a calm, numbs me. I feel relaxed afterwards.

Right before sophomore year of high school (14), I cut for the first time. I was going to hang out with this guy I was obsessed with. I had crushed on him since 7th grade, our relationship was off and on. This was one of our on times. He was supposed to come pick me up to go with him and his younger brother and friends to check out this pizza place. He forgot about me. He never came.

I was crushed, I was angry and hurt. I felt horrible. I felt like I was going to die. And I knew I couldn't tell any of my friends because they didn't like that we were talking again. I knew I was alone and that no one would help me if I tried to reach out. They would tell me if was my fault. I remember sitting on the floor of my room crying. There was a cd on the floor and I picked it up and broke it in half.

I was very dissociated, the only time I ever remember seeing myself from above. I watched myself as I cut myself. I remember thinking, wow, this feels so good. This is how I am going to do it now (as opposed to scratching myself with my nails). It calmed me.



I have noticed, I don't know when it started, but when I get triggered to self-injure, my arms start to tingle/crawl. Makes me want to scratch or cut. I don't know if anyone else experiences this or not. Even if I haven't done it for a year, once I hit that boiling/tipping point, I get that feeling on my arms.

I was a powerless little kid full of rage and pain.

I can relate to this. Even though I don't want to think about it, I think when I get mad sometimes, I am mad at myself for not doing something good enough. This might be tied into my anger, I don't know what emotion to call it though.

It isn't really about feeling pain. I will say that in some senses with cutting I have more serious intent to harm. I want to see the harm that is done. I want to see blood. I am ashamed to say this but I like seeing the mark afterwards even if I am ashamed of them.

Not about the pain for me, either, because I hardly feel it. Maybe the next day when I showered or washed it, it may sting. I agree with wanting to see the harm done, seeing the marks, the blood. I like seeing the scars and it makes me sad when they are healed. Even though I don't want other people to see, I like seeing the wounds. Like proof of my pain.

 

[Lost Pup]

Since noone has mentioned it, I wanted to add that cutting works in part because of the release of endorphins which function in the body like an opiate. Makes me wonder if there are any hormonal differences in how addictive they may be between males/females/etc.

I also found this paper, which really interested me: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18389640

The study looked at male/female ratios of self-harming behavior and found that they change (and dramatically so) over the life cycle. Early on, self-harm is extremely more prevalent in women while later in life, it is slightly more prevalent in men. Very interesting stuff.

The study sample included 2,189 female and 1,439 male patients. While the overall gender rate ratio was 1.5 females to each male, the ratio varied considerably by age group: 8:1 in 10-14-year-olds, 3.1:1 in 15-19-year-olds, 1.6:1 in 20-24-year-olds, approximately 1.3:1 in 25-49-year-olds, and 0.8:1 in people aged 50 years and over.

 

[Abstract]

Lost Pup. That is an interesting bit of research. Particularly interesting to me is that self harm in latter life is much closer to suicide attempts. Sad to know that.

When you mention opiate release I normally describe that as emotion moderation. I think it is one of the most common reasons for self harm from what I have gathered. There is the build of the emotion (lets say anxiety or irritation) until it becomes intolerable and when there isn't an alternative skill to lower it then injury causes release of endorphins and the emotion is numbed and a crisis point is reached on an emotional level which then allows a lowering of the emotion. Certain behaviours in eating disorders are used in a similar as are some OCD compulsions to a lessor extent. There are other examples but I can't think of them at present. I hope this doesn't offend anyone but I know professionals talk about a climactic quality to it.

I believe it is thought that those who have had a lot of emotion moderation experiences via pain in childhood can also find it hard to use an alternative as nurture and self calming are a foreign concept and they are used to this as a means.

 

[Lost Pup]

I believe it is thought that those who have had a lot of emotion moderation experiences via pain in childhood can also find it hard to use an alternative as nurture and self calming are a foreign concept and they are used to this as a means.

Yes. This is very much my own experience with understanding my use of alcohol in relation to trauma (and why I ultimately chose a non 12-step model to quit drinking). When, for your entire life, you have used emotion moderation in the place of nurture, calming, etc., and you discover the extremely dependable quality of alcohol (or whatever else you might use), it's like a neater, more respectable way to enact a process that is extremely familiar to you already. I'm very interested in how the perspective you describe can be used to help alcoholics and addicts with trauma histories.

 

[Britt.f7]

I had to stop reading about the cutting for my own well being, but I've been a cutter since I was a young girl. I'm in my 40's now(later instead of earlier). When I was a teenager I knew a boy who also cut and it was like a competition to him. He knew I did. It wasn't something people talked about then. In fact, when I ended up in a psych hospital, I was considered unusual because of it. I didn't do it for attention, as I usually did it on my body where it couldn't be seen. I knew another woman who cut inside her private parts, I met her in one of my other psych visits. So I'm pretty sure she didn't do it for the attention either. I think it was because I was hurting so much I needed something to see. It was like beating up on a pillow, but the pillow was me. It gives me some sense of release when I do it and see blood. I haven't done it in a year, but I think about it from time to time. I'm trying to remind myself that it doesn't make things better. It really doesn't.

 

[Abstract]

I had to stop reading about the cutting for my own well being

It's good you know when to protect yourself and it's wonderful you have done a year. I no longer would be triggered to self harm when hearing it discussed but there have been times when it would be at risk of tipping me over and therefore not being able to resist.

I no longer do the types of SH that are related to emotion regulation or related stuff. What I still struggle with I can't discuss.

can be used to help alcoholics and addicts with trauma histories.

Lost pup. I think the good programmes are probably good about working on it from this perspective and the bad ones just focus on the addiction or problem itself. Firstly it's no good taking away someone's main and ingrained way of coping and moderating emotions and not first giving them something to replace it. Especially when there is trauma. Just get over it and deal with it is not going to work. The things that do work feel counter intuitive and need a lot of practice so it is a process of rewiring our brains and building up those alternative ways of looking after ourselves even though harm of various types may seem the most comfortable and logical solution and self care seem foreign.

I think some even find it destabilising when anyone treats them well initially. Sadly I don't think there is a magic wand for it and it is just about getting used to something different and getting support while that happens.

Good programmes for addictions, OCD, eating disorders and self harm etc will all work on trying to build up coping skills and rewiring self care. Jolly hard work and sad that it is. Very worthwhile though.

Maybe something new and clever can be developed though.

 

[Abstract]

I always think it must be an important factor in someone being traumatised by things or not. If they have been parented prior to that (and post even) in a way that allows them to internalise self care and develop healthy emotion regulation skills then when overwhelming experiences happen it is going to feel that much more doable.

I know for me that I did not have healthy emotion regulation skills, ever. I coped with introjected self aimed anger, dissociation, and various types of self harming behaviours such as eating disorders, alcohol, at times self harm and also risky behaviour. I never even had any understanding of my emotions let alone know what to do with them.