Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @Ms Spock :hug: , it's taking longer than I wished. :(

Dumb of me. Have to be more aware. Ugh. I guess 'affirmations' are difficult, seems I'm self-allergic, and my brain/ heart decides it will 'prove' otherwise. :(

I was thinking today though, much of past 'stuff'/ happenings were I guess not exactly 'average'. Not at all. I don't think average? :confused:

I guess I made them so 'average' that I never acknowledged their impact (tried to 'block them all out', really).

Hugs to you, thank you, you are so dear and sweet. Hope you are feeling better also, :hug: .

 

[Tinyflame]

Mind you, my friend who advises me on this stuff is rarely if ever wrong about it, so it must be 'ordinary'. However, I must have handled it unordinarily poorly. :(

I do recall however, despite feeling devastated, or horror or such, never really feeling like I was supposed to let on. Or maybe I was making something (too much) out of it? I recall asking a police officer (when filing what turned out to be a restraining order), if he took what had been said as 'threats' (they seemed to be to me, but was I wrong/ over-reacting?, etc). He seemed to think they were most definitely, encouraged me to take it much farther. And similarly with another couple of incidences, mostly of course I never filed any report. Quite frankly those weren't the biggest of 'stuff', so it only became mostly relevant if the threats involved other people (family) etc.

I think I feel very much like a failure for not handling things better. Or for ptsd. I realize it's not a choice. It just seems that way, I feel very defective or deficient. Very flawed

 

[Tinyflame]

I guess another way to possibly(?) think of it is, SI, flashbacks etc etc, are all pretty 'ordinary', when it comes to ptsd.

 

[ms spock]

Thank you @Ms Spock :hug: , it's taking longer than I wished. :(

Dumb of me. Have to be more aware. Ugh. I guess 'affirmations' are difficult, seems I'm self-allergic, and my brain/ heart decides it will 'prove' otherwise. :(

I think you are being unfair to yourself. You are working hard and like all other human beings you make mistakes and aren't perfect.

You need a being kind to Junebug list when things are hard.

You don't beat a horse when s/he is down. You nurture the horse. You give the horse something to drink. You give the horse something to eat. You provide the horse some shade.

When the horse is feeling better. You don't jump on her/his back and canter off. You rub the horse down. You soothe the horse and then when the horse is well rested you begin again but not so much so that the horse ends up on the ground again. You take it easy on the horse and build up gradually.

You do regular exercises with the horse and encourage the horse to do stuff and you appreciate every good thing the horse does. You write down all the achievements of the horse and focus on what the horse is doing right now instead of thinking about what the horse has done in the past or things the horse is not doing now. You be kind to the horse.


(and if you wish to fall about laughing on the ground that I could give such advice is HILARIOUS given how hard I am on my self - You have my full and complete permission to do so.)

 

[ms spock]

I think I feel very much like a failure for not handling things better. Or for ptsd. I realize it's not a choice. It just seems that way, I feel very defective or deficient. Very flawed

You are managing and working on your PTSD and symptoms - that is very successful in my mind. Some days are better than others and much gratitude can be felt for the days when you manage your symptoms better. On other days when you don't feel so crash hot and wish you could do better you can have compassion for yourself (or radical acceptance - still learning just what that means,) and take pride that you did give it a whirl and like other human beings you don't have a 100% hit rate - unless you are watching a classic Hollywood narrative which whilst total fantasy leads us to believe being superhuman is the only way to be.

*busily copies and paste her wise Horse story*

You don't beat a horse when s/he is down. You nurture the horse. You give the horse something to drink. You give the horse something to eat. You provide the horse some shade.

When the horse is feeling better. You don't jump on her/his back and canter off. You rub the horse down. You soothe the horse and then when the horse is well rested you begin again but not so much so that the horse ends up on the ground again. You take it easy on the horse and build up gradually.

You do regular exercises with the horse and encourage the horse to do stuff and you appreciate every good thing the horse does. You write down all the achievements of the horse and focus on what the horse is doing right now instead of thinking about what the horse has done in the past or things the horse is not doing now. You be kind to the horse.

 

[ms spock]

I guess another way to possibly(?) think of it is, SI, flashbacks etc etc, are all pretty 'ordinary', when it comes to ptsd.

Compassion for your fellow human beings is ordinary as well. We all might need to practice a fair bit to make compassion for ourselves and and self soothing ourselves pretty ordinary as well.

(It is only logical * winks cheekily *)

 

[Tinyflame]

Aw Dear @Ms Spock , :hug: . Yes, I love and have cared for horses- pity I couldn't treat myself as I would them or my dog! ;)

Yes, I am grateful for good days. And yes, I guess I am more aware than some, try as hard as I can, am pretty aware of others' feelings or possible histories.

I would 'nuzzle you' (hee ;) :p ) but that sounds weird so love and hugs and prayers for your kind heart and encouragement, instead. :inlove: ((((((((((((((Dear Ms Spock, xox)))))))))))

I would NEVER make fun of you Ms Spock, you are making great strides and are very sweet and brave and honest in all you say and do for others. :hug:

(PS, There was a sweet little chickadee in my window yesterday, I noticed him, nausea or not :laugh: :) )

 

[Tinyflame]

Ms Spock, the self-compassion-you are right. I would be inclined to (make a) joke, but instead I will say in all seriousness that I can have much compassion for others, not for myself. Which makes their sufferings real, and large, and true, any of my own would not be. Also, when one doesn't feel entitled to things, eg say eating, where does (self) compassion come in? Obviously that seems superfluous and definitely 'required' to be minimized (not applicable). Easy to forget, too- like who thinks of watering an artificial plant?! :confused:

I'm not sure how I ended up like this, but I think I really have felt- truly (not just when 'down', even, orsomething isolated)- it was better to not be 'here' (for others). So the mindset/ logic that follows would be to x+y+z actions that fulfill it, not the opposite. I guess I have to work on the first part and then the rest will be more feasible.

At least it explains why I 'forget'! :rolleyes:

:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

I think I was lucky. And it's better if I am more thankful, and aware of others' feelings. And maybe do things to deal with anxiety I haven't tried, a few things with diet (up the turkey), they recommend jogging but maybe dancing, physical anyway.

Seems better if I focus only on a teeny bit at a time, and I realize I can't recall as well or very well what I don't see in print.

 

[ms spock]

Ms Spock, the self-compassion-you are right.
:hug:

I prescribe one minute of self compassion per day for you young lady! * tries to look stern, collapses on floor giggling *

 

[Tinyflame]

Hey, a double dose. :) :tup:

Giggling is good @Ms Spock . :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Well, how odd is that, my worries of the one specific work situation (competency), in which I feared I was (the only one?) incompetent, has led to 'technically' I'm the only one doing the call, I mean every one else is literally quitting the whole job, asking for a transfer, etc when assigned it. How weird. I'm thankful by the grace of God the fear and anxiety didn't kill me or give me a stroke. The real point being, I do realize that for years I have had no confidence about virtually anything at all.

And, some guy tonight called me 'exciting'- strange. But I guess we with ptsd are never bored. In a serious way, that is actually an upside I guess. I would like boring, but then again maybe I couldn't live with it. (I don't mean crisis-causing behaviour, by any means, I just mean I guess we do form different ways of managing life and such).

And our sweet rescue-dog was named in the top most remarkable rescues, yet she was and is so easy to manage and train and love, and so sweet! She is positively ideal. :inlove: I have no idea why everyone had such difficulty, or thought there would be, I really can't figure that out.