Suicidal Thoughts, Depression, And Police

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

only do what you are ready to do when you are ready

And know that there are people here who will listen

 

[Overcast]

I am concerned for your inability to sleep which will impact your ability to make decisions. I would suggest seeing a physician for some medication. Then you will be able to make analyze all the comments and therapists recommendations. You are one brave person to be considering to move forward with prosecution if that is what you decide. Regardless of your decision you can make a decision of I will find a way to move on with my life despite his actions one day at a time.

 

[Powder]

mytai, I wish I could be there to hold your hand and walk with you on our journey. I feel for you in the lurch of what to do when hell has already broken loose. I agree with Abstract and Franciemarnie that all that matters, at the end of the day, is what serves you best.
I find I have to sort of think of myself as someone else and tell myself lovingly what to do. I need a bit of distance to see my choice clearly.

When one is raped, all one's control is taken away. Then, suddenly it's back, but what to do with it now??! That's where I have to practice taking a step back and trying to find a calm and my inner wisdom, seeing my problems as if from my higher self/inner guide. What would I tell me to do if I were someone else that I cared for?

Then, I don't second guess that advice. I do listen to my gut and think "I don't have to decide today" to give myself time to know what I really want to do.

Right now you need to feel safe, then self-care, then tolerate the distressing things, before you can tackle more and feel strong. Take it one step at a time, and I'm so happy that you have a set of supporters and resources to run to!!

First, we save ourselves and get strong. Then, we stand ready to save someone else.

Be strong for the future ones you will save.

 

[scout86]

First, I'm truly sorry this has been so difficult and complicated and I'm sorry for everything you've had to go through. Taking this predator off the streets would be a service, if it can be done.

Sounds like you have a great support team. The other suggestion that comes to mind is a lawyer of your own. You shouldn't need one, because you're the victim, but sometimes it helps to have someone on your side who knows the legal system and this might be one of those times. Maybe one of your support system knows a lawyer who has experience representing survivors of sexual assault.

Don't feel guilty about contacting the people who are supporting you! If the situation were reversed, I'm sure you'd be there as much as you could for someone else. They are helping you because they want to, because they believe in you, and because they think you deserve the help. In the process, ALL of you are protecting other potential victims. You deserve all the help you can get! Take it!

 

[mytai]

Whatever you do, only do what you are ready to do when you are ready.

If I waited until I thought I was ready I wouldn't have gone to the hospital yet. So that is something I struggle with. I usually talk to someone about it first, either here, my support system, or both and then take things that were said into consideration to help me make a decision.

And know that there are people here who will listen

I'm so thankful for that.

I am concerned for your inability to sleep which will impact your ability to make decisions. I would suggest seeing a physician for some medication.

They won't prescribe anything for sleep because I'm suicidal and they don't want to give me medication that I can mix with what I already have in my possession. They know pills are what I go to.

Right now you need to feel safe, then self-care, then tolerate the distressing things

Safety might take a long time, self-care I try as much as I can right now, or remember to.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ok so right now you're not stable. The discussion of whether or not to report is a bit premature at this point. I think you should focus on stabilizing yourself. Surround yourself with supportive people. Err, "surround" being relative to your comfort level. Get help for the sleep issue. Take lots and lots of time to work on self-soothing. Focus on YOU right now. Reporting can wait (for up to a year that is).

I hope you do report this bastard! I reported and let it go. I had no evidence so it was not to my advantage to fight a she-said/she-said case that I would lose. But my report is on file, and if anyone else comes forward... I couldn't do much but I was satisfied in knowing I did everything that I could.

Your case is different. You have physical evidence. That's a lot more than most of us. And I think you're stronger than you realize. How great would it be to know that you protected someone else from going through what you did? Even if he gets off and serves no time, at the very least you will get your voice back. Right now it's been stollen from you.

 

[Powder]

Sleep and safety seem to be the big two for you right now. Do you have Ambian for sleep? It is rare to overdose on that, and they can give you a smaller amount at a time if that helps you reduce risk of overdose.

Not being able to sleep would put anyone at a point they could not really handle. I encourage you to focus on one thing at a time. Just get some sleep and then see about safety before moving on to distressing things.

 

[mytai]

Ok so right now you're not stable. The discussion of whether or not to report is a bit premature at this point. I think you should focus on stabilizing yourself.

Yes, stable is a word I would not use to describe myself. I'm at varying levels of suicidal feelings and depression right now. The lack of sleep doesn't help. I think before deciding to report even though I think I need to now, I need to talk to my support team to make sure that when I do, I have people around me to help hold me together.

Sleep and safety seem to be the big two for you right now. Do you have Ambian for sleep? It is rare to overdose on that, and they can give you a smaller amount at a time if that helps you reduce risk of overdose.

I would agree. No I don't have anything for sleep. I will talk to the psychiatrist tomorrow morning about it again and see if they will change their minds.

 

[DMerish]

Also looking for support or suggestions. I live in Ontario, Canada. If anybody is familiar with things in this province I would like to hear what you have to say.

Mytai - I am very, very sorry for what you've been through and what you're going through now. I think Muse's post summed up nearly everyone else's posts very well. I don't know much more that I can say other than to echo other posters - the resources were put in place for YOU to use them, so please, please do so.

Here are some links that I hope are helpful:

Ontario Coalition of Rape Crisis Centers
[DLMURL]http://www.sexualassaultsupport.ca/Default.aspx?pageId=535967[/DLMURL]
Ontario Attorney General's Office (scroll down to "Look for Services in Your Community")
Link Removed
- and -
Link Removed
Legal Aid for low income persons in Ontario (may or may not apply to your financial situation)
http://www.legalaid.on.ca/en/
Brochures on your legal rights and legal processes
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Canadian Support Network for Victims of SA
[DLMURL]http://www.assaultcare.ca/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=47&Itemid=55[/DLMURL]

If you want to find a particular area, and you're having trouble, PC me (or some else on the forum that you feel can be trusted) and ask for help looking for the info you need.

Please know, I'm sending you prayers of strength, courage and healing, and (((hugs))) if you want them.

Drew

 

[Powder]

Getting plenty of good sleep. It's a constant, general attention to control my sleep environment to help with my issues. I change the smell putting rose scents or aromatherapy with geranium, which helps with having good dreams. I use Ativan, too, in small doses.

I have a Costco blue humidifier that emits a very quiet white noise and a watery blue ambient light that must be somehow profoundly soothing to my unconscious. I have found I no longer need one of my meds and got completely off it. I also reduced my dependence on Ativan since getting the humidifier.

Sleep hygiene, like going to bed the same time, and waking the same time, even on days off, is helpful to use body clock. Just because we have PTSD doesn't mean we can't make some aspects of our body-mind work in our favor, like others do.

You may already do all this, but this is what really helps me.

 

[ms spock]

Firstly though just take care of you.

You might report and you might not. It is a very personal decision and you can take your time looking after yourself first before you make that decision and you can change your mind.

Take very good care of yourself.

 

[HelenB]

I have just read this thread and though most things have already been said and I am so glad that there are so many people who do care and support you so much I wanted to just say also how well I feel you are doing to even be considering this. This to me feels like you have made such a big step and even if you do decide it is too much for you at the moment the way you are finding that strength to want to overcome all the things you have come against before and way you want to be able to report him is such an important thing in itself. You did not deserve this and even if you do feel as if you are not ready to report him the way you are thinking just says to me so much that in yourself you really have come to a place where you are saying enough is enough, and even if you do not report him this attitude and wanting more and more to stand up for your rights, because your body is not his but yours, is so good.

I really hope you are able to get the physical support you do need too, and as others have said wish I could also be there and be able to stand by you to help you find the strength to walk through this, but as much as is possible across the Internet am offering my support and really do think you are doing so well.

I know things must be feeling very overwhelming at the moment and with the suicidal ideation and massive lack of sleep I totally agree that looking after yourself and trying to get your sleep back is such a priority, remembering that you are worth all this self care and protection and that with this attitude you can get through this.

God bless
Helen