Suicidal Thoughts, Depression, And Police

[ms spock]

I don't know what I'm so nervous about, but I am.

Because you are human. Having normal human responses. And this is very stressful.

 

[mytai]

I would have provided an update sooner, but I ended up admitted to the hospital over night.

Backing up a bit here. On Friday I called the SA centre to ask about speaking to a nurse regarding reporting. I went there right after finishing the interviews at work. The nurse said my T was mistaken and that they don't actually provide support when reporting to the police. The only thing they will do is provide a space for the reporting to happen.

So I felt like I hit a dead end there. I drove out to another sexual assault support place I had info from. They will provide accompaniment and advocacy there. So I did an intake form there with that place. It may take a week or two to get set up with a person.

Then I went to the police stations to ask some general questions. About whether I could report in the city I lived in as apposed to reporting in the city it happened in, etc.

Got a lot of information. Overwhelming.

All of Thursday and Friday I felt like I took an upper. I was doing everything at an increased speed. My mind was racing, I was talking extremely fast, couldn't stop moving around, twitchy, shaky, and the suicidal thoughts were in my mind every few minutes. I got scared and called one of the SA nurses after speaking to a crisis line (who told me to call the nurse), she said I should call the crisis lines (this nurse is nice enough but I can't say I like her as much as the others). So I hung up the phone and called a registered nurse line for my province. They said it was either a reaction to my medication, or a reaction to all the stress that has built up over the last few weeks, and that either way I needed to walk myself into a hospital.

So I went to the hospital, ended up getting put back in one of the horrible mental health holding cells. The nurse I had that night was great. The ER doctor who came in with the psych resident brushed me off and said he would just send me home with medication and he left. The nurse came back in with the medication he wanted to give me and started to talk. She said she was there to advocate for me, especially since she felt like the dr was blowing this off as nothing. She said she hadn't noticed the slightest change in how I was behaving since I came in 3 hours prior. She said she was concerned for me and that the dr wasn't putting my safety first. She asked if I minded if she spoke to them about how she felt. I said I didn't mind.

The dr ended up coming back in and apologizing and saying that the nurse felt I wasn't ok to be sent home with just medication and that I should be admitted at least for the night. So they ended up admitting me that night. They gave me an ativan to help calm me down, that did nothing, I was still shaking and twitching and bouncing my leg 6 hours after I walked into the hospital. They ended up giving me clonazepam to help me sleep. That knocked me on my butt and I didn't wake up until 11:30am the next morning, still in the holding cell. Slept on and off all day until around 4pm. I asked if I could go home. They were trying to fight me on going home saying that they might fill out forms forcing me to stay there. Anyways, I ended up being released and sent home with a few clonazepam for the next few days, and another follow up appointment on Thursday.

 

[scout86]

I've been wondering how things went and how you were doing. I wish things had gone smoother, but at least SOME of the people you've been dealing with have been helpful.

When you look at everything you've done and what it's taken to do it, you've got to be kind of impressed with yourself, aren't you? I am!

Keep putting your safety and welfare first, and find the peace you deserve!!

 

[Echo]

@mytai, I do hope the meds will help you catch up on some sleep.

You really will be able to write a book about your experiences after all of this! If it isn't enough to have to go through the abuse itself, we really have to suffer afterwards, and you particularly have had so much thrown at you. I find it irritating that there is so often so much misinformation between the services that have been set up precisely to help you and now and again such unfeeling people. I am glad, however, that you are finding lovely people who are helping you in between all the mayhem. Long may it continue.

I hope the advice the police gave you will feel less overwhelming when it has all sunk in and you feel less tired and wired.

 

[HelenB]

I am sorry to hear it has been such a hard few days with so much miscommunication about what support you can be expected to receive but am also so glad that there have been some people who have been able to be supportive and understand. I am really hoping that as all the adrenalin of everything you have experienced has died down, that you can find a real peace and determination that you are doing so well as this is what you deserve so much.

God bless
Helen

 

[mytai]

That nurse from the hospital who advocated for me saved my life. I was so low that night even though my mind was flying, and I was so jittery. If they had released me I was going to commit suicide in my car down the street in a parking lot of a park.

Still battling the suicidal thoughts, but they aren't as bad today as they have been. They aren't intrusive to the point where I would act on them. Thursday and Friday are busy days for me, I have an appointment with the social worker and the follow up with the psychiatrists assistant (I think that's what she is) on Thursday morning, then I have to drive 1.5 hours to go pick up my car and return the rental car, then on Friday I see my T.

I didn't take any medication to help me sleep last night, I was still tired from the medication from the night before. It really knocked me on my butt. I was up a few time throughout the night, but quickly fell back asleep. I have some medication from the hospital to help get me through another few nights.

 

[ms spock]

First things first - your personal safety, in my humble opinion.

Good on you for going up to the hospital! I say that with all sincerity.

If they had released me I was going to commit suicide in my car down the street in a parking lot of a park.

Still battling the suicidal thoughts, but they aren't as bad today as they have been. They aren't intrusive to the point where I would act on them.

I would suggest that you forget about reporting your great uncle until you have coping skills and the SI under control. If you keep pushing to do this you could push yourself over the edge. I know you are committed to reporting him, but that is not as important as you staying alive and being here with us and in the physical world with other people. Even if you don't report now there might be another chance to be a witness to another of his victims. You might be strong enough to report in six months or not as the case may be but you need to be alive with us in six months.

Of course I am saying this not knowing all the details but ending up in hospital after trying to research the process indicates to my way of thinking that you are not yet grounded, stable, contained and settled enough with some strong coping mechanisms.

I would urge to at least wait until you have a support worker, which I think you said would take about two weeks.

 

[mytai]

know you are committed to reporting him, but that is not as important as you staying alive and being here with us and in the physical world with other people. Even if you don't report now there might be another chance to be a witness to another of his victims.

I'm getting so many conflicting messages about this. I know I need to go what I want, but everyone around me has their own thoughts and opinions on this. My T said she supports me either way, but hasn't said anything about timing. The centre that will set up accompaniment and advocacy for me obviously want me to wait until I have that in place. The doctor at the hospital said I'm stupid if I don't hurry up and report this. I'm just receiving messages all over the map and it's hard to know what to listen to and what to ignore.

Of course I am saying this not knowing all the details but ending up in hospital after trying to research the process indicates to my way of thinking that you are not yet grounded, stable, contained and settled enough with some strong coping mechanisms.

It's quite possible that it contributed to me ending up in the hospital. I think the majority of the reasoning had to do with how I was feeling/acting for the two days prior. The racing thoughts, hyper activity, etc. But that certainly could have been the breaking point.

I would urge to at least wait until you have a support worker, which I think you said would take about two weeks.

I will definitely wait. I think I probably should have waited to look into things aside from the support worker until after I had the support set up, but I was just determined to get as much information as I could right then.

I ended up calling the support line for the centre who is setting up the advocacy and accompaniment. They are available 24/7, talked with someone until I fell asleep.

 

[HelenB]

I am sorry to hear it is so hard for you with so much conflicting messages. I would agree totally that this decision has to be yours. This is for you and not for anyone else, and ultimately about keeping yourself safe, whether that is by reporting it and taking that stand or determining in yourself to keep yourself safe in other ways. Though ending up in hospital is very hard, that in itself and recognising the place you are in so you could reach out and get that help, which is available to you, is so important.

I am so glad that you have got 24/7 support from the SA centre. You really are doing so well in all of this, and though I cannot even imagine how hard it must be for you to go through this, really believe that ultimately the thing which will make the most difference, is not whether you report or don't, but the fact that you realise that what happened was not in any way acceptable and that you did not in any way deserve this, and there really can be freedom from the hold which this has had on you for so long.

God bless
Helen

 

[mytai]

Having a stressful day at work today. My boss was frustrated with me missing my Saturday shift because I was in the hospital - they don't know why, we have a strict no personal stuff in the workplace policy - but I ended up ruining his weekend. He knows I feel horrible about it but we had to talk about it today.

We just hired someone to help me out with jobs that I don't have time for anymore, and my boss was telling me that he doesn't want this to happen because he thinks I'm suited for the promotion, but that I have a job to lose by being gone from work "sick" so much. He said he knows I will come in when I can on my days off if he needs help, and I'm amazing at my job, but that I am not considered reliable because of being sick.

I'm so stressed out now. I can't lose this promotion. I also can't share what is going on in my personal life either.

 

[ill]

mytai - You didn't ruin his weekend. This is why he's the boss - he gets paid more for the added responsibility and employees can't always help it when things go wrong - especially when it involves health issues. Also, given that you're in ON, I think you have some protection/rights here.

 

[mytai]

@ill, Oh believe me I know my rights. I went to school for human resources so I am very familiar with employment law. But it is a valid reason (reliability) regardless of the reasons behind it, to give a promotion to someone else.

No I can't help that things have gone wrong, but it still doesn't make me any more reliable at work right now.