I Don't Trust The Calmness

[Deleted member 1860]

Two weeks of calmness now. I think that's a record! Well, it hasn't happened in quite awhile.

The extreme agitation is gone. I'm not fighting with people in my life. I'm not having anxiety episodes. I'm finally having times of normalcy, but still require a lot of downtime and rest. I seem to tire easily.

This time is different. I can't explain why it's different, as everyone will think I'm off my rocker, so we'll just leave it as being different.

Normally when I go through a calm period, I end up not trusting it. Calmness is foreign to me. I don't trust it simply because it is not in my world of "normal".

But this time is different. This time I know I need to trust the calmness. This time the calm period doesn't seem quite so unbearable as it's been in the past.

And if this lasts, I wonder what will become of my life. My life is empty without the constant anxiety. It wiped out everything else. Now that my anxiety is gone, there is nothing in its place but nothing. I have such a boring life, yet I'm afraid to fill in the nothingness and replace it with something else. I'm afraid that the anxiety will come back and I'll lose it all again. If I fill my life with people, hobbies, activities---I can lose them all once again, just as I did before when the anxiety got bad. I don't know if I can handle that sort of risk right now.

All I know is that the calmness scares me.

 

[FindingMyself88]

I understand completely Solara (((hugs))) I was in the calmness before yesterday for almost 3 weeks. I had just started getting involved at church and stuff again. Now today I'm battling emotions about it ((I feel guilty about my anxiety and I feel like god doesn't approve of my anxiety... Weird I know)) but I'm forcing myself to take my pastors lunch tomorrow, just to fight it. If I don't, I will end up all alone again.

I said that to tell you I understand. But maybe just maybe there is a reason for this calmness. I know during my last good spell, I opened up to someone who didn't have PTSD but had been abused severely too and dealt with it. But she has stayed by my side, even through the past 3 months which has been the worst for me so far. Maybe you can find someone to reach out to as well, if that's something you would like to do

Just try to embrace it while you can. Rest as much as you need.

 

[DMerish]

I'm afraid to fill in the nothingness and replace it with something else. I'm afraid that the anxiety will come back and I'll lose it all again.

I think I get what you're saying, Solara. Many of my symptoms began receding last Fall and I started becoming calmer, and my life was normalizing. It seemed to last a while, like three months. So, I began being more calm, even liking myself a bit and liking life more. So, I began dating (a few guys, but not all at once). I'm not calm any more and starting to make messes.

Don't know if I can totally accept calmness - the chaos is/was familiar - it has it's own comfortableness, and that's what I'm used to. My dating is making me feel more anxious/anxiety again - And I feel like crawling back in my hole into isolation.

 

[Mayday]

Totally get what you're saying. I struggle with that too. My therapist said it's not surprising that I would feel that way, so it's a matter of just riding it out. Like you say, trusting that it's okay for things to be calm right now.

 

[Bedbug]

I understand that constant anxiety was your normal state of being for most of your life. You have managed to overcome that - well done! - but it sounds like you are now in a kind of limbo. You need to take the risk of filling your life with good things or else the anxiety will creep back. Being afraid to risk filling your life with good things in case your anxiety returns and you lose them again is already opening the door to anxiety. You say you can't handle losing the good things but the risk of that happening if your anxiety does return is surely smaller than the risk you are taking that you can stay in this limbo of calm nothingness without anxiety returning. You are already speaking of it fearfully, dare I say anxiously.

You have obviously done a lot of work to overcome your constant anxiety and get to where you are now. I hope you take the risk of letting good things into your life. I know it seems unnatural and the risk of losing them is very frightening, but I would hate to see you slip back to where you were before.

Please take the risk. It might not pay off, but staying in limbo definitely won't.

Of course, I know this is easier said than done and I wish you the very best.

 

[bell]

Oh @Solara, do I ever understand your original post! :) or should it be :( ?

Anyhoo, since I've been getting better and not flying off the handle, I don't know what to do with myself. So I'm checking here, Facebook, the news, Twitter, Buzzfeed, all the time, trying to distract myself. Just on the bus ride home (15 minutes from work) my phone died for a few minutes and I was all, "High holy hell, what do I DO NOW?"

I've read all the Zen books and have lots of hobbies, but it's like I keep expecting something to knock me over and worry about and/or stress over. (Personally, I've worried for so long, I have NO CLUE what to do with myself when there is nothing to stress over!)

In reading your post, I thought, "Hmm.... I should tell her to live each day as each day, and not count how many days it's been since things were bad/awry/chaotic/anxiety/PTSD-ridden!" So, that's my advice, to you and myself, actually. :)

I think the key is to not think about yesterday or tomorrow, but just think about today alone and what we can do right now that is the right choice. For example, I just came home and got the mail and instead of just plunking it all down on the counter like usual, I went through it and separated the bills and what to throw away and put all the necessary stuff in the recycling bin, so before I even took my coat off, my mail was sorted. That was one thing I could do right then. As for right now.... still working on it, but that's my plan for the rest of today.

Just treat each moment as right now instead of worrying about would could be. Or... maybe this is a big load of bollocks?

 

[ABKD]

I can understand, I think. In the past, calmness and good feelings scared me too. For me, calmness and happiness were a sign of something bad was going to happen. I talked about this with my therapist. She helped me understand that calmness and happiness are not always bad signs.

Try to trust the calmness and fill in the nothingness step by step. Yes, you can lose things in your life but you also get things in your life. Everybody loses some friends, hobbies, activities. But you can also find new friends, hobbies, activities. Try to fill in the nothingness and experience that you don't always lose things...

 

[Tympre]

Thank you for posting this. I have been feeling the same, but on a much smaller scale. I have hours now that have no anxiety, it feel weird and scary. It is nice to know others have this. I remember when beating the anxiety was the only thing I thought about, now that I am on a winning side, I feel weird, not me. I feel when the anxiety is gone, that I am missing something or some part of me.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Still calm. A little anxiety and obsessive thinking, but overall still calm. I think it's the reactivity that has changed. I'm not as reactive to things that happen to me. It feels odd.

 

[ABKD]

Tympre, I think it's normal that you feel something is missing when there is no anxiety. Anxiety is something you know, you know this feeling, its consequences maybe etc. When there is at a certain point no anxiety anymore, the situation has changed. I think that when you feel more often less anxiety, the feeling of something is missing will disappear.