I Feel Defeated And Defective Today

[EvenStrongerNow]

I've been doing well the last week or so trying to stay accountable and get myself into CBT, find a job, keep the house, etc.

Today, I feel defeated and defective. I just cried a lot. There are so many things swarming through my mind. Maybe the reason I left my old T (psychotherapy) of 3 years is because she got me to start talking a little bit about my last traumatic experience and maybe I ran from her because I was scared.

I wonder this because one of the CBT Ts that I spoke with on the phone yesterday about setting up an appointment, when I asked her about her treatment approach, she said she does exposure. I think I thought that doing CBT would mean I could get better without having to talk about the trauma. I think that's what I thought subconsciously. So, today, I have only followed up with one voice message regarding getting into CBT.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid to talk about it. I feel so depressed today. People say that it's because I need a break and that it's okay to take a break for today. I don't believe them though. I have always been the strong one. I have always been the one to encourage and give other people pep talks. But when people try to do it for me, I don't believe them. I can intellectualize everything that they are saying, but it doesn't feel real for me. Or maybe that's just how I feel today because of depression. I just don't feel like I deserve to have a break when I haven't done much for the day.

I'm hurting so badly because I fear my husband will get sick and tired of me not having a job. I can't get over the split I feel in identity. I can't stop thinking about how I never used to be this way and the agony, the shame that comes along with that feeling.

It's so hard, the emotions that come up in between T sessions. I think that's one of the reasons I ran from her. Because I can't sustain functioning in between sessions after talking about trauma. I feel like my whole life is a catch 22. And I feel really silly feeling like this when I am going to be a 30 year old woman this year. I feel ridiculous that I can't do more than a few things a day and not even consistently. I feel like my husband is going to get less and less attracted to me because of PTSD.

I feel so alone.

I know that none of those thoughts or feelings are rational, but they are there, and they get to beat me down and I hate it. And nobody can promise me when it will go away.

I know tomorrow I won't feel this way and I will pick back up and fight for myself just like I always do, but I'm just tired. I'm tired of fighting for myself. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I won't actually do anything to myself. I'm just in so much pain.

I feel so ashamed of myself.

 

[franciemarnie]

I hear you.

I am sorry you are feeling this way.

I have felt many times that I just didn't want to wake up again. The pain in life had gone on so long and the thought of continuing was unbearable.

I know you are tired of feeling this way, and you may be just plain tired too. PTSD is exhausting. It's like being in a burning building for decades or some kind of an emergency situation that never lets up. I wonder how you are sleeping.

I wonder too what kind of message you got growing up that you don't feel you deserve a break.

For me, it was not a good message growing up. Even if I did everything the best I could and went above and beyond, it wasn't enough. I was some how at fault and the only way I could feel I deserved to live was if I did everything perfectly at 110% capacity 24/7.

That was unsustainable and impossible.

Anyway, I hope you can give yourself a break soon without any cognitive dissonance.

I am so glad you wrote about it. I know the feeling of a rest never being okay to take.

 

[seedling]

Know those feelings.

And the feeling of knowing it will pass but it's still the way it is right now.

You have done a lot, even if it wasn't on this day. Today is the day to put up with the emotions brought on by pushing forward with so much: Therapy, Work, Home - all of those are real work, each in themselves.

I have a hard time stopping and letting myself off the hook. I'm working on that (as fast as I can - haha).

Take care

 

[Bedbug]

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. Can I just say one thing regarding this?

I'm afraid. I'm afraid to talk about it. I feel so depressed today.

If the thought of talking about your last traumatic experience makes you feel this bad, then don't. It sounds as though to do so right now would be overwhelming. Can you think of ways to increase your control over the symptoms that are troubling you the most at the moment? Work on that for a while. Improve your quality of life. You can come back to the decision of whether to talk about "it" at a later date.

At the very least, please discuss this with any prospective therapist. It sounds very much like you need to work on your basic stability. If you can voice this, a therapist should be able to reassure you that they will not force you to talk about anything until you are ready. They may also be able to help you reach that point.

I wish you all the best. You are not alone.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I just don't feel the work that I am doing is a lot because I used to be able to do so much more. That's why I don't feel I deserve a break. I feel like maybe I need something for depression and anxiety, but that would just add a whole host of tasks to put on my to do list and I can't seem to knock them out fast enough and find a job. Along with that, I fear medication side effects. I feel like time is running out all of the time and I feel like I am not going to have a future if I don't get a handle on this.

The rational side of me knows that although my husband works, he only works at a job and comes home to be with me. I am the one cleaning and doing the laundry, etc so I don't know why I keep saying these things to myself. Probably because he would prefer me to work than be a stay at home wife until we have kids, but I don't know how to do both. I can barely do one as it is. I am barely eating. I am barely brushing my teeth every day. I am barely getting dressed. I am barely taking my showers. I am barely at everything I do.

I can't seem to sustain positive feelings long enough.

This is ridiculous!

 

[Ryn]

:( :( :( I'm really sorry to hear how you're feeling. (((hugs))) You're not alone! I can resonate with a ton of what you said, I'm having the same sort of day. It sucks how depression can just creep up on you like that.

I want to let you know that during the short time I've been on this forum, you have stood out to me repeatedly as someone who is remarkably selfless and a big help to so many of us here. I really respect that! You are a genuinely kind and beautiful person and that makes me all the more sad that you are suffering so much. :(

I know it's immensely frustrating to feel that unproductive and defeated, when you wish you could be doing more. But remember: you are more than what you produce, more than what you do. Your worth doesn't need to be defined by those things because you are worth a lot more! It's okay to have a hard day. It really is.

Hang in there, and take care of yourself. Sending comforting thoughts and prayers.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

And I hide my depression from him every night because I don't want it to affect him. Also because when I don't hide it, he (bless his heart) sits down with me, does all he can to make me feel better, but he always seals it with the fact that he knows for sure and thinks that my problem with depression is because I am not working.

He doesn't seem to understand that even when I was working, I was still dealing with bad depression and anxiety. It took everything in me to get myself up to go to work.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

((((@Ryn)))) Thanks for saying that. I'm in tears! That's so sweet!!

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

@Bedbug , what if not talking about it is exactly what keeps me unable to sustain functioning? That's why I feel like everything is a catch 22 because I have thoughts like that.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

My hubby is the type of guy that feels responsible when I'm not hiding the depression. Or, he says it's because I'm not working is why I feel the way that I do. Bless his heart. He really does try. I know men get their sense of identity from work. Women do not. Well, at least a lot of us. Plus, when depression and anxiety is keeping me from doing what I need to do to find work, how would a job that I can't sustain myself long enough to get or long enough to keep, fix my issue?

He makes me feel so much better when we talk about it, but then when he leaves for work again, I'm dead again. I'm dead without him. He is my only sense of reality and has been ever since I first got out of that relationship with the Sociopath. I have known my husband for 8 years. He knew who I was before that experience. But, when he goes away to work, I lose sight of myself and who I am. It's so difficult.

 

[seedling]

It might feel ridiculous, but YOU are not ridiculous and neither is feeling the way you do.

 

[Bedbug]

what if not talking about it is exactly what keeps me unable to sustain functioning? That's why I feel like everything is a catch 22 because I have thoughts like that.

Honestly, I don't think you are ready to talk about it. Not while you are feeling like this. You can improve your day-to-day functioning first. The "talking about it bit" can come later. It is not a catch 22 situation. I would urge you to let your new therapist know how you are feeling. Just because she does exposure therapy does not mean that you have to dive right into it. She should be able to help you feel safer and more stable first.

I know what you mean when you say it feels like you are running out of time. I worry that the people around me won't put up with me being like this for much longer and will soon give up on me. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to focus on that right now. It is just feeding into your anxiety and depression. And don't focus on what you can't do, either. Focus on what you can do, no matter how small those things are. In fact, the smaller, the better. Don't let yourself get overwhelmed. You have more than enough on your plate right now. Force yourself to do the little things: brush your teeth, have a shower, get dressed, eat a healthy meal. Concentrate on a few symptoms and try to improve them, a tiny bit. You have some basic skills for coping with anxiety, right? Use them. For now, forget long term. Forget the bigger picture. Just focus on making small improvements to your quality of life each day.

You can do this!