Could I Have Been Molested As A Child?

[Karen Tedder]

Hi,

I'm a 17 yrs old girl. For a year now, I have been having doubts about me being molested, although I have absolutely no memories. The idea of me having been touched is unfathomable, and I seriously cannot believe that I have such doubts.

When I was 5 years old, while playing outside at school, I would force my girl friends to show me their private parts against their will, and I would touch them... I know, it's shameful, but I had an obsession with anything related to sex.

Around a year later, I discovered pornographic tapes from my parents bedroom. I would watch them constantly when my parents were absent. My older brother (3 years older), didn't understand why I was so "attracted" to porn. A few months later, I got caught, and end of story. No one in my family never mentioned it again.

Also, I would often try to touch people's private parts. For example, once, me and my cousin were taking a bath together (we were still little kids), and I tried to touch her butt. She flinched and asked me what I was doing, and I couldn't answer. I was too ashamed.

There are other things that created doubts, such as:
-I have a phobia of the dark (What if some trauma I can't remember happened in the dark?)
-I have an eating disorder (EDNOS - anorexic/purging tendencies, although I'm practically recovered now)
-I am social phobic
-Extremely low self-esteem
-Control-freak
-Some anger issue
-Extremely jumpy, startled very easily
-Inability to trust anyone or to be in a relationship (never had a boyfriend)
-Hate being touched/hugged by male. For example, when my dad hugs/touches me, I tensed up all over, and it's extremely uncomfortable
-And something that disgusts me.... I am aroused by rape and incest. I know, it's disgusting. It disgusts me, and I am extremely ashamed of those "turn on". I am against rape, and yet, the idea of a girl being taken against her will and called degrading names arouses me. (For example, once, I was reading a book with a terrible rape scene, and I tried very hard to ignore the fact that I was turned on by it. And no, it wasn't supposed to be romantic or anything. It was supposed too be horrifying and disgusting.) The idea of family members having sex arouses me too, and I am certainly NOT attracted to my brother or father. It's dirty, I feel dirty, and it turns me on... I just don't understand.

What's wrong with me? Am I right to have such doubts? Because I have no memories whatsoever, and I feel ridiculous for thinking such things... What if I'm completely wrong? Why am I so messed up? Is there a possibility that I'm right about those instincts?

For some family background:
My dad and I have a distant relationship. He adores me, but he knows nothing about me except facts. When he hugs me, he keeps like 5 inches between us because he knows I don't like hugs. He also used to be violent when I was too young to remember (have harmed my brother in the past - my uncle and mom told me), but that was a long time ago. He's a good man, although he has his flaws. I have also already witnessed him squeezing my younger cousin's private part a few years ago, but in a teasing and innocent way... I know it sounds creepy, but I'm pretty sure he was just kidding around and that there was no sexual purpose to it.
My brother... we never touch each other, except if it's to fight. And I'm convinced that he never touched me in appropriate ways.
I also have many uncles, but I doubt they did anything to me.

Anyway... Can someone tell me his/her thoughts about this?

Thank you

PS-I have been seeing a psychologist for a while now, but she has no idea about my doubts. She only knows about my ED and phobias

 

[Bedbug]

Hi, @Karen Tedder.

The short answer is, yes, it is possible. I was sexually abused for about a year as an 8/9 year old. I repressed my memories completely for 20 years. It was another 10 years before I recalled enough to piece together what had happened to me. I can see now how it affected my whole life, even the part where I had no memory of the abuse.

I can't really comment on your situation but, as you already have a relationship with a psychologist, do you think you could speak to her about this? Or perhaps get a referral to someone else?

In any case, you will find a lot of information on here which I am sure will be useful. I just wanted to let you know that I have read your post and you are not alone. No doubt others will be along to post something soon.

 

[Powder]

Hi, Karen,

I'm sorry you are in that stage. I get it. I was there for most of my life. You will feel this way until you remember something that confirms your reality. It's hard to accept some facts about life without more "evidence." It's just hard to fathom like you said.

Nobody but you knows your truth. It is stored in you and when you're ready, you will let yourself know more of it. That's all I know that I feel comfortable sharing today. Sorry it's not more helpful.

No two people react the same way, so just from symptoms and what you shared, it's not possible to deduce what happened to you. But I can say that if you go searching inside yourself, you will find answers eventually. How you will feel about them is another story. ((HUGS))

Being in counseling sounds like it's helping you because you are years ahead of me for your age. Good work,

Muse

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm a bit worried that you say your father was squeezing your cousins private parts but in an innocent way. It doesn't matter the intent behind this, rather, he touched your cousin in an inappropriate way, and that makes it wrong. It sounds like you're trying to excuse his behavior. There is nothing innocent about a guy touching an underage female in an inappropriate way. And yes, it was sexual.

Your mind is trying to protect you because even though you've seen your father's behavior, you don't want to believe that he would do something so wrong.

You display quite a few symptoms of someone who has been sexually abused. Of course, nobody here can say if you've been abused or not, but I think its something you should explore in therapy with the guidance of your therapist. Its important to not try and force memories to emerge, as that can cause more harm than good. And, you can do a bit of healing without having specific memories. Your mind may be hiding your memories in order to protect you.

Please reach out and talk to your psychologist. And welcome to the forum.

 

[Karen Tedder]

Both of you, thank you for taking the time to answer. I am glad that I'm not alone in this, but at the same time, I am saddened by why I am here and why you answered me. I'm sorry for what you have been through, and I sincerely hope you will both be doing better soon.

I have indeed considered talking to my psychologist about it, but if my doubts are false, I would simply feel terrible and ridiculous. I mean, why would a girl who has never been molested think she might have been? What would push her to have such horrible thoughts?

And it scares me that both of you have been at that stage. I want to cry... What if I might truly been molested?

 

[Karen Tedder]

Solara, I know what you mean. I also feel like I have been trying to excuse my father's behavior, but at the same time, I love him, and I know he loves me, my brother and my mother. He would do anything for us, and he works so hard to make sure we have money and that we're happy, you know? He would do anything for us, so it's hard to accept that my father might have done something...
And I don't know if it changes anything, but my cousin was a boy. He was around 11 at the time.

And thank you for welcoming me

 

[Karen Tedder]

Also, I have just read a minute ago on a child abuse website having masturbated in public is not normal, which I have already done twice in the past...

 

[Deleted member 1860]

It is OK to have conflicting feelings about someone. From a very young age we learn from the media (movies, TV, etc) that evil people are always evil. I mean look at the villain in any show or movie and you'll see what I mean. The truth is that a lot of people have really good sides to themselves but also do evil things. I was molested by the wife of a minister... Yes, everyone thought she was so fabulous. It was a bit of a shock to my family when they found out as they had no clue that this side of her existed. The same goes for my mother. She looks great on the outside to a lot of people, but she also has a darker side. In my own mind, I reason that every evil person in history has a good, loving side, and it makes me see that good and evil aren't an either/or kind of thing. Weird example, but even Hitler was loved by Eva. Arguably one of the most evil historical figures had a side to himself that was loved by someone else. People can be good and bad, but the good doesn't cancel out the bad. It helps me keep things in perspective. I don't have to write someone off as being completely bad, and can acknowledge the evil part of them without discounting it because they've done something good in their lives.

 

[Barconian]

I have indeed considered talking to my psychologist about it, but if my doubts are false, I would simply feel terrible and ridiculous. I mean, why would a girl who has never been molested think she might have been? What would push her to have such horrible thoughts?

You pay a psychologist to help you find these answers, it isn't their job to judge you.

Talk to your psychologist

 

[Bedbug]

Some of the sexualised behaviour you describe as a very young girl is unusual, but not unheard of. It does not necessarily mean there was a sinister reason for it.

Similarly, rape fantasies are more common than you might think and do not necessarily point to a violent or abusive past.

Your dad's behaviour with your cousin is a little worrying, but may well be entirely innocent.

Taken individually, nothing in your first post is a definite sign of abuse, but reading your post as a whole I would say there is some cause for concern.

Even if you were not molested at a young age, the feelings you are experiencing now are real and they are clearly troubling you.

It might be worth saying that self doubt plagues many of us who have been abused. I constantly worry that I have made up my entire story and induced, or even faked, my symptoms for attention, time off work, out of spite or badness, whatever. It is very difficult. Short of asking family members what they remember, which would mean revealing my abuse to them (and I'm not ready for that yet) I have no evidence, no witnesses, nothing. All I really have is gut feeling.

I truly hope you have not been abused. But don't invalidate your current feelings out of fear that you may have analysed them incorrectly or jumped to conclusions. Talk to your psychologist. Like Barconian said, it isn't her job to judge you. S/he will not think you are being ridiculous.

I wish you all the very best with this.

 

[Bedbug]

I have just read a minute ago on a child abuse website having masturbated in public is not normal, which I have already done twice in the past...

A lot more context is required. For example, is it done to provoke a reaction in someone else or in blatant disregard of their possible reaction? Is there likely to be anyone else around? Have reasonable precautions been taken to keep the behaviour from being observed/heard? A crowded supermarket, a restroom, and an isolated hilltop are equally public places.

 

[Karen Tedder]

A lot more context is required. For example, is it done to provoke a reaction [...] crowded supermarket, a restroom, and an isolated hilltop are equally public places.

It was during work (I worked as a waitress), and during break, I wanted to "pleasure" myself and locked myself in the restrooms...
I often have the need to masturbate even if Im not aroused. I force myself to be turn on (even if Im exhausted or feeling numb)