Ok - "is This Just Me?" Time

[AS1975]

I've been here for over a year now and I've made some serious progress. If you don't get where I'm coming from might I suggest you read the diary I've started. It's too late and I'm too emotionally drained at the moment to get all that crap back out again.

A basic overview to start with - I suffer from PTSD from multiple, predominantly violent, dangerous and rather horrid incidents, as a result I'm hyper as all get out when life (or work, or hobbies, etc.) get stressful. I simply see, anticipate and have a reaction preplanned for stuff before other people even know it is likely to happen or has happened, not a bad ability, but it is awfully hard to explain reacting to something that "isn't going to happen" even though it looked like it would, at best it is a serious overreaction and embarrassing, at worst it is an over the top reaction that is going to get me sacked (or facing criminal charges).

I've been discussing it with my wife and just realized that I've never put the pieces together for her, or for the GP, the Psychologist or the Psychiatrist, I've never seen it discussed clearly or pinpointed clearly and I have only just realised the seriousness of this lapse (or recurrent lapse - and a recurrent lapse with me means it is likely to be a weakness I simply don't want to admit to myself).

When I look back, I see over a decade of my life has been trashed by my inability to deal with this same crap, namely, I simply cannot deal with people who are bluffing - those who have absolutely no intention of going through with the threat signals they are intentionally causing, but who persist in doing so because "normal" people are scared off by their act.

All I see is the behaviour that is quite deliberately aimed at the "threat receptor" and I take it as a real threat and deal with it as I have always dealt with real threats (my personal "fight or flight" switch is jammed on fight), I anticipate and act in a manner appropriate to the perceived threat and most importantly, what I perceive that threat is going to turn into in the fullness of time.

I'm basically being bullied out of a normal life as I'm scared of my reaction to pointless little pretenders, I'm scared to go to events, social situations and shopping centers as I'm likely to get into trouble if I act, it's all kind of pointless. Even with assertiveness training, I'm struggling, these people react to any attempt to withdraw by escalating the bluff.

I'm perplexed, like I say, I've made a lot of progress but this is a hurdle that I'm stuck on and mightily frustrated with (my personal mantra is never to repeat the same mistake).

Any suggestions, experience or knowledge gratefully received

AS

 

[Abstract]

Well done for the new awareness.

, what I perceive that threat is going to turn into

I can see faults in your thinking but maybe this quote represents it well. Most cockiness or bolshy behaviour is just that. To assume you know that it will go anywhere and you somehow have magic powers to foretell where it will go is a cognitive distortion.

The world is filled with difficult behaviour and attitudes and only a tiny amount of that is part of an actual aggressive act. I wonder if accepting that you can't foretell the future feels threatening and disempowering for you. Sadly none of us have these types of abilities.

Reacting before something happens is a sure way to ensure that a much higher percentage of "happenings" happen.

I would also look at your assumptions that these behaviours indicate that the person is promising a certain action or bluffing. I remember previous posts of yours and I think you again tend to project intentions when they may be none.

Good work.

 

[arfie]

My personal inventory would halt the entire process at, "Hyper-vigilant." I am a paranoid fool under the influence of hyper-vigilance. When my sister and brother go hyper-vigilant, they go for the alcohol to start numbing the effects. My own instinctive responses are possibly even more destructive because of the fact that I am acting on unbuffered adrenaline. Adrenaline is a powerful, self-replicating drug. "Never make the same mistake twice" might be exactly my response when I am hyper-vigilant. If I am in a new situation and reminded of a previous mistake, my hyper-vigilance switches me to full fight mode with astonishing speed. "En guarde! How dare you talk like my father!" When I can catch that first surge of adrenaline and address ONLY the hyper-vigilance, I seem to avoid a creative array of new and improved mistakes. In the Art of Making Mistakes, my natural creativity presents problems I prefer to leave in the box.

Just my personal experience as I see it today. Hope you get your own sorted, AS.

 

[AS1975]

Well done for the new awareness.


I can see faults in your thinking but maybe this quote represents it well. Most cockiness or bolshy behaviour is just that. To assume you know that it will go anywhere and you somehow have magic powers to foretell where it will go is a cognitive distortion.

...

I remember previous posts of yours and I think you again tend to project intentions when they may be none.

Good work.

Too true - however the ability to see what is going to happen when all the threads come together is not so easy to fix, for me it is nothing more or less than a combination of hyper-arousal coupled with a very interesting "hardened" response. It most assuredly isn't magic, nor unfortunately is it often played false, what I see is what is actually happening or what people are projecting is happening, I simply cannot tell them apart. The response is equivalent to what I'm seeing, it is just that what I am seeing is being spoofed.

I suspect I am blessed with a genetic predisposition to surviving horrendous situations, I wouldn't have survived the first ones otherwise, as such there is a wrinkle, or harder surface, in the fabric that is me. Unfortunately actually surviving these situations have caused some serious work-hardening of that wrinkle/surface. It has distorted and become thicker/harder as a result of having been utilized, like work-hardening on a piece of steel or a callous/scar on skin, it is toughened because it has had to become like that. It is not a sixth sense or magic, it is the result of experience, hyper-arousal, hyper-vigilance and situational awareness, as much as the new skin on my arms is more sensitive to extremes of heat/cold.

I can no more pretend it isn't there than I can pretend that the split-skin grafts on my hands and arms is the original covering, I simply have to accept it and make allowances for it. That said, I'm unwilling to ignore that prickly feeling or the knowledge of what is about to happen, pretty much through fear funnily enough (I'm alive today because I listen to it, simplistic but true). What I'm describing is not magic though, it is all too real, I'm simply looking to see if anyone else here has ever felt it or seen it and how they coped with it, particularly when others are/were bluffing? I've seen it myself (in others), I've seen oblique references to it in other peoples stories, but I've yet to see anyone actually confront it or master it, or tell about doing so.

Let's say, for the sake of argument that I am going to go up a steep hill on a hot day (35-40C), with low humidity (>15%) and a stiff breeze blowing from the North (>50km/h), in order to enjoy the sunset from the lookout at the top. When I get up to the top of the hill I notice light and smoke at the base of the hill (directly to my north). Do I:

(a) ignore the light and smoke and proceed to enjoy the sunset, assuming that my judgment is faulty;
(b) proceed to clear the potential danger zone, acting on the assumption that my judgment is effective; or
(c) ignore the light and smoke, on the basis of the assumption that someone has gone to the trouble of setting up a pyrotechnic display in order to cause others to assume there is a fire, so they can get their own way?

To be utterly fair, perceptions of intent are immaterial in that judgment, or they appear to be from where I am sitting. In fact, the final option would appear to be importing an unusual or extreme level of intent where there is no subjective reason or reasonable cause to so do. That is bluffing/boltshy behaviour but it is also utterly irrational from my perspective, I don't pretend that there is danger in order to get my own way by causing others to feel fear and struggle to understand both the concept and the potential benefit. If someone were to stare these situations down, or react to them as if they were real, as I have done on numerous occasions, then the bluff/boltshy intent is made plain, there is no need to import any intent.

Succinctly, the problem is less to do with intent than fine judgment. When I see a train running out of control and about to slam into something I tend to react to the perceived worst case scenario, instead of sitting back trying to ascertain if it is actually a train or someone pretending to be a runaway train, I'll act to head off the perceived threat. What I need to know is if anyone else has managed to get their judgment working in that moment, to let them tell the difference between what is a pretended threat and the threat that is real?

There is an animalistic type of situational awareness here, the same one our forebears took advantage of when they stampeded bison/horses/mammoth off cliffs to be exact, but it is there nonetheless. I suspect that most of the people here would know only too well what I'm talking about, as we have survived things that have struck down the less aware. That awareness doesn't make it a particularly painless 'gift', it is more of a 'double-edged sword', I'm simply trying to live with it.

AS

 

[NarcSis]

AS, I had (and still do) extreme difficulty separating myself from "responsibility" for the safety of others. It is still a work in progress but I am learning to identify when my mind is getting away from me and I am now able to place me first, remove myself, allow events to take place as they will while removing myself to a safer location.

You are not responsible for the safety of the world at large, you are only responsible for your own safety and that means protecting you by removing yourself from the situation. I have to remind myself of this repeatedly.

I do agree with Abstract about the cognitive distortions that seem to be challenging you in this. You can scoff all you want but it sounds to me like your nervous system is still operating on sympathetic overload most of the time and you need to start practicing parasympathetic balancing activities like Yoga or Meditation.

I found a lot of the times it was nearly impossible for me to sit still and just be with myself for a while, there was always this pull to act - do something, keep safe, if you will, but the more I practiced the more I was able to sense the calming effect on my body as a whole. With that I noticed a greater ability to control for my internal panic when I'd come across a potentially dangerous situation and I was better able to practice self care in the moment.

I'm no expert, I still fall out of practice and suffer because of it but I realize for the most part what I am is simply human - a living breathing conscious organism subject to the shortcomings of my biology.

It's actually PTSD and not you that "causes" this seemingly irrational thought pattern. Your body is reacting to the sympathetic overload and remains on high alert thus hijacking your ability to rationalize. You need to calm that nervous system. We may be our biology, but that doesn't mean we have to be a slave to it.

Food for thought.

 

[Abstract]

AS, I do understand how overreacting and hypervigilence can be protective in certain situations.

I not totally sure you fully absorbed what I was saying before. Yes, in the moment you are reacting but right now discussing this with us there are cognitive distortions in the way see certain things. If we go into a hypervigalent situation with cognitive distortions already in place then it is going to be a recipe for disaster.

There is benefit in giving up the idea that over reacting is going to save you as the cost is too high. In order to choose a healthy life we often have to work on letting some things go. Sometimes the best things in life come with risk.

so they can get their own way?

I really think you need to work on this. A lot. I am not only going by what you say here but also many threads in the past where you describe situations. You seem to take things personally and instead of being able to let really quite small incidences of bad behaviour go. They get under your skin. That isn't good for you when it comes to stress let alone upping the anti in situations that usually won't require it.

I think you have to truly want to let go of the hypervigilent reactiveness and you need to start viewing human behaviour differently for things not to end up escalating in that moment.

Just my opinion.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

There is an animalistic type of situational awareness here, the same one our forebears took advantage of when they stampeded bison/horses/mammoth off cliffs to be exact, but it is there nonetheless. I suspect that most of the people here would know only too well what I'm talking about, as we have survived things that have struck down the less aware. That awareness doesn't make it a particularly painless 'gift', it is more of a 'double-edged sword', I'm simply trying to live with it.

Succinctly, the problem is less to do with intent than fine judgment.

I can no more pretend it isn't there than I can pretend that the split-skin grafts on my hands and arms is the original covering, I simply have to accept it and make allowances for it. That said, I'm unwilling to ignore that prickly feeling or the knowledge of what is about to happen, pretty much through fear funnily enough (I'm alive today because I listen to it, simplistic but true). What I'm describing is not magic though, it is all too real, I'm simply looking to see if anyone else here has ever felt it or seen it and how they coped with it, particularly when others are/were bluffing? I've seen it myself (in others), I've seen oblique references to it in other peoples stories, but I've yet to see anyone actually confront it or master it, or tell about doing so.

You're trying to control your triggers. Right?

Tricky little buggers. ;) I've been trying to master mine my entire life. I've made progress but master them..umm no.

Understanding your triggers is key. Your level of fear is key. Fear works both ways. Fear can save you and fear can harm you. Interestingly enough I have an adorable dear friend who knows many of my triggers. He found them on his own. I was unable to control a very telling reflex. To some extent he understands my will. With great expectations and delight he tries to trigger me. The harder he tries the calmer I get. I suspect the reason it's calming to me is because I understand what he's up to. Hence I'm prepared. I refuse to allow him to make me flinch. Great therapy!


However the main factor is I feel safe around him. I trust him. That's how and why I don't flinch. Anyone else try to do what he does and they would be on the floor. The key factor is how safe you feel. I can master it on his level but not in public. Too many unknowns and not enough trust.

We're all a work in progress I'm determined to find that same balance in public.

Good luck to you.

 

[AS1975]

OK, saw a new psychologist, got some better insights into this. One major problem in this is that this is solid programming, it isn't merely action/reaction.

I have PTSD, so I see in black and white, shades of grey are merely one end of the scale or the other and immaterial until they are resolved.

1/. My Fight/Flight reflex is stuck, absolutely stuck solid

I can try and avoid conflict right up until the moment arrives, when the adrenaline kicks in and I get that sinking feeling in my stomach, the cold light feeling in my fingers and toes and the eyes light up. I've done so basically all of my life, as I sincerely dislike the consequences of failing to avoid it. But once the moment arrives, the options disappear. Unfortunately, trying to avoid confrontation is something a lot of people misread as fear and pursue confrontation, go figure.

2/. I am sincerely obstinate, once I dig my heels in that is it

I mean obdurate to the point of absolute fearlessness, not boasting it is something that scares the piss out of me. I'd like to die of natural causes, not as a result of finally paying the cost associated with this "self-preservation deficit disorder".

3/. Once the moment arrives, all bets are off.

It is effectively automatism, some seriously important sections of my brain simply switch off, there is no fear, no real concept of pain and absolutely no pity. I don't know what to attribute it to, yeah I had a rough time, but I'm scared I'm going to kill some poor bastard for no real reason, it is hard to explain, but in that moment I sincerely do not care. It is like all that pain, all that anger and frustration just gets out. I don't know how to describe it.

4/. My incidents occurred in fairly normal, everyday surroundings. I'm therefore completely triggered by the normal and the everyday, I've seen the seemingly innocent, everyday normality turn to hell, literally, often enough that I struggle (I suspect needlessly - it is what it is) with my need for hyper-awareness. That is why I choose to work in management, I have the experience, the ability to "read" situations and so forth, the only struggle is with one, small class of behaviour by one small subset of people.

This has to be able to be harnessed, I refuse to think of it as a complete negative, I simply have to adjust the way I act/react (I cannot change what other people do - although I'd argue that - I do so daily).

PS Abstract, I am listening to what you are saying, but I'm wondering if you are looking at what I'm trying to do, which is alter organisational behaviour, improve organisational citizenship (OCB) and wearing the flack from a small group that display extremely poor OCB? None of what I do/say exists in a vacuum, the "mobbing" behaviour from that group is quite obvious and well entrenched. It is also highly disruptive, damaging to OB and to effectiveness and sales and has a strong negative impact on other team members in the organisation, who are dissatisfied with "carrying" the lazy so-and-sos.

Am I the right person for this task? I'd have to ask am I the right person for any of the incidents I've been in, I don't choose my fights, they tend to choose me. The question really is am I defined by PTSD, or am I a fully functioning adult, with the capacity to master my weaknesses, my scarring and lead a productive life despite the setbacks. I refuse to be a victim, it is not in my nature, yet there is no real script for living and succeeding by harnessing PTSD. Yes there is a bad side, and it is bloody awful, but there are some benefits, even dare I say it wisdom (it hasn't killed me so it has made me stronger).

S2T, I would definately agree with the work in progress sign, I'm more a construction site most of the time (a muddy one). Then again, nothing worth having comes easy or without cost.

AS