Struggling with self hatred as usual but with a difference.

[Abstract]

I am finding myself at a point where I am really worn down by the war in my head. The constant invalidation of me, my "traumatic" experiences and my feelings and the constant mockery about this diagnoses and efforts to get back into treatment have taken their toll. I hope this doesn't sound dramatic but I feel like I have successfully started killing part of myself off. Like I am fading.

It's been about two years now since it became so severe and about three since it started in this way. My brain turned on me and it is winning. It's actually mostly a three way war but describing it in detail is too complicated.

I manage it much better and in some ways have managed to quieten it compared to before but it almost feels like it has done what it planned to do already. Also any sudden movement (relating to treatment or PTSD) so to speak brings the intensity up sharply straight away.

Part of me wants people to hate me and for me to be chased off here. Or something terrible to happen to me. It detests me.

I know it doesn't sound very reasonable. I can of course discuss it all very logically.

 

[Leah123]

Sounds like you need an ally in the war. Have you considered therapy further? I was at war with myself too, couldn't win it alone, am doing much better now.

I hope you find what you need to soldier on a bit longer until you find some relief and healing. :) I'm glad you posted here.

 

[soulsearcher]

I understand how you feel. I've always said don't try to walk a mile in my shoes just try to be in my head for a day! I find that CBT helps me with this inner struggle. Sometimes I have to literally say 'stop' to get the negative messages to rest. Keep working on replacing negatives with positives!

 

[Abstract]

Thanks Leah. It was nice to see your name. T. I think of nothing else. Everything is about getting me back and any tiny step I take comes at a big cost. It's a constant complex dance.

I am really starting to have doubts about my last T. The trauma one. The wisdom of getting someone to go into a trauma when they are unable to speak and you have no idea of how they have coped in the past because there is no verbal communication going on is something I have started doubting. Those 2 minutes started this off within a few hours and it hasn't stopped since. Everything changed in that period of time.

Thanks soulsearcher for your reply. I am afraid CBT and that approach has no effect on this whatsoever. Unfortunately. It never did help me very much with the general inner critic stuff either really but not with this at all. Whichever direction I go in there is a backlash.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Maybe you should stop fighting?

I'm not trying to simplify the issue or make it seem like it is less than it really is. However, about 9 months after I was first diagnosed, my therapist suggested that I stop fighting. I think I looked at her with the dumbest look on my face! But, she had a point. We try and fight, fight, fight and it wears us down. Taking a time out can help us rebuild our strength so more healing can be done in the future. Well, I took her advice, and it helped.

I think there's a DBT or CBT skill where you just allow thoughts to flow in and out of your mind and give them little attention. Perhaps this would help? I tend to obsess, so this one hasn't worked very well for me personally, but as with any skill, some work well for certain people and not so well for others.

Edit... Maybe it's an ACT skill as it is right up the ACT alley of acceptance instead of change. (CBT is about changing thoughts, ACT is more about accepting them.)

 

[ms spock]

I am finding myself at a point where I am really worn down by the war in my head. The constant invalidation of me, my "traumatic" experiences and my feelings and the constant mockery about this diagnoses and efforts to get back into treatment have taken their toll. I hope this doesn't sound dramatic but I feel like I have successfully started killing part of myself off. Like I am fading.

The war in the head stuff is pretty draining. I struggle a lot with it too, so I am not sure what to say, except I wish you the best. You contribute some great stuff on this site.

 

[ms spock]

Acceptance is a good strategy as well I am working on doing that and I am more successful some hours than not. There is a great DBT site which talks about radical acceptance

 

[radicalgratitude]

Part of me wants people to hate me and for me to be chased off here.

This is so ironic to me, because, and I am being 100% honest here, I saw your name and it made me smile. I thought "Oh good, Abstract posted!" Seriously, that's what I was thinking about as I was waiting for the computer to load your posting. So even though you might not think you matter much, you do to others. I hope that in Heaven there will be a door with a sign on it that says "MyPTSD Reunion" so we can all finally meet each other.

 

[franciemarnie]

I can't imagine in a zillion years anyone ever chasing you off here. That would be insane. Your support and insights on the forum are a gift. I hope me saying that doesn't make you too uncomfortable, but there it is.

When there is the war on, what happens to the part of you which is the voice of reason and truth, the voice that can state facts that can't be invalidated, when it responds to the powerful invalidating part of you?

I don't know if this is at all similar but once when I had a self hating part of me dominating, a part that hated my guts and wanted me destroyed, shouting all the time and it was unbearable, but I had no drugs to shut it down (an old solution) and I was terrified of being committed again - I tried this thing where every time the self hating voice came at me with a vicious statement or indictment, I would say to myself, Is this true? Is this idea, this accusation, this malicious assessment absolutely undeniably true? And if I was absolutely honest, it never was.

It might have felt true, but it wasn't in reality true. The warring portion of me twisted reality just as countries do in war. It was propaganda.

And that helped me get past those terrible times. That vicious part of me that I has internalized from others in childhood, lost a lot of steam. It has certainly returned from time to time to give me another go but it has become increasingly feeble.

Although in times of great stress, it stands up and shouts sometimes!

There must be another way out that protects and shields the true authentic Abstract from the lying SOB taking up space in your mind.

((((Abstract))))

 

[katiekat]

Maybe you should stop fighting?

I'm not trying to simplify the issue or make it seem like it is less than it really is. However, about 9 months after I was first diagnosed, my therapist suggested that I stop fighting. I think I looked at her with the dumbest look on my face! But, she had a point. We try and fight, fight, fight and it wears us down.

This reminds me of how my therapist approached my fears of dissociating. He told me that instead of fighting it (which feels like the natural way to react), I should accept it allow it to happen, and that that is the only way to lessen the episodes. I'm sort of fascinated by dissociation-I know that might sound kind of sick to some, but it's wild how your in control of your thoughts and body and then seemingly out of nowhere your brain sort of flips a switch and goes into a foreign mode of operation. It's interesting to think about the experience of it, and trying to describe what it feels like to fight it. I for some reason think of being in a rocket ship that all of the sudden launches you into space at a million miles an hour and you're trying to hold on, trying to brace yourself for whatever you're being thrown into, but your going too fast and your arms shaking. Try as you might, the process is already in effect so agreeing to allow that as your current reality and accepting it will make you land back on earth faster than if you put the breaks on. *just my experience*

 

[Seasounds]

Also any sudden movement (relating to treatment or PTSD) so to speak brings the intensity up sharply straight away.

Please give an example. Do you mean that anytime you start to take any actions to get help for PTSD that it makes your symptoms worse? I do like the wisdom of the above posts; sometimes the intensity decreases if I change my plan.

This process happens to me, in different ways. I find that I need to get help, through a back door-so to speak, so I don't trigger the kind of resistance-that I think you mean, where PTSD has me in a corner. An example for me has been when I couldn't get rid of the voices is my head. Observing meditation has been helpful, to find a neutral gear.

Part of me wants people to hate me and for me to be chased off here. Or something terrible to happen to me. It detests me.

Truly, to me, you are a light that shines on this site. I'd like to call you a Forum friend. The pesky trauma lens is obscuring your vision of your deepest, truest self: a good, smart, valuable person. I am so glad to have you in my life. :)


,

 

[Hashi]

I think there's something in what @Solara says. I would see it as needing to pick an approach and going 100% with that approach. Whatever the approach is, and it might be radical acceptance or radical distraction.

Something I find myself at a loss with - not frustration with you Abstract, but difficulty with the symptoms you experience that are no fault of your own - is that it seems that the things that maybe could help you most are the things you seem to feel are most dangerous.

In particular, you often discuss things, as you have done here, in terms of different parts of yourself. My understanding from what you've said previously is that the idea of parts work of any kind (archetypes, sub-personalities, schema therapy) feels too destabilising. Have I understood that correctly, and if so is that still the case?

You know I can be tough, and if this isn't helpful then please disregard it, but I think you have to take a very radical look at all your possible options and pick one. Only one, because although in general I think a lot of approaches are helpful, I think at this point you need a single clear direction. To me, the options include:

- continue inching your way into psychotherapy of some kind
- a somatic therapy that doesn't involve discussion or even thinking (the only one I know is craniosacral therapy... I could recommend someone in North London :))
- come up with your own, very concrete, therapeutic plan and schedule to do at home
- stop fighting, accept this is how it is and make peace with it
- medication and taking a break
- medication to support you in another option

I'm wondering what you think about medication. I don't think I've ever heard you mention it in relation to yourself. I feel that you need something to cut across the fear (and the tendency to dissociate, which comes from fear) and allow you to do the work you need to do. You've done so much, and tried so hard, that I feel you do need to look at some radical ways through the obstacles. I think medication such as short term anxiety medication is a strong contender.