Undiagnosed I Feel I Might Have Been Sexually Abused As A Child... Help, Please

[intothelight]

Hi BrokenGlass,

Welcome to the forum!

Please take the time to read through other threads and I believe that you will find much of what you are experiencing is similar to what other members have also experienced. So you are not alone and in a place where people really do understand your struggles.

One word to describe PTSD can be "overwhelming" and this is where a good therapist can be invaluable in assisting you in breaking things down, dealing with specific trauma and help you to learn to manage the symptoms. There is also a lot of good information here that can help you in learning to manage symptoms.

I hope you find the help you need.

Debbie

 

[Nonexistent]

Yes I understand that I am a male and you probably don't like men vry much!

Hi. Thanks for "rambling" back :)
Actually, that's the opposite. I relate to men more, and it makes it even harder for me because I find my female friends boring (maybe it's because I'm so disappointed in women of my family; and well, for someone with ADHD like me sitting still and chatting is torture) and male friends at one point pretty much dumped me because there's a kind of stigma in our culture related to opposite sex friendships (yeah, that might've been a jerky move as well, I tend to pick wrong people, cuz that's all I know). So I am hurt because I never got that so wanted approval from my father who completely ignored me, and then my best friends excluded me from their circle, too... :(

 

[Barconian]

for someone with ADHD like me sitting still and chatting is torture)

Is it possible that you are talking to the wrong type of people?

Out there among the people, is someone you can connect with. If you live in a city the size of New York... I feel for you Broken' If you have the ADD mind, then a place like that would have your head spinning constantly (Too many distractions) would be a shit to live in.

You don't come across to me as a girly girl and I don't think you are materialistic! What I do think is that you my friend, need to simplify your life so that you can focus on less things at once and be good at what you can do... I know that if you focus on something, Broken' You will put all your attention towards that focus. But!!! If you get too distracted, your buggered... Is that true?

Your family, are still there and you gotta pull back from their influence and stay away from it. Yeah I know you're spontaneous and all that, but I still reckon you can beat this realism thing, that's not realism if you know what I mean?

 

[Nonexistent]

.... that's not realism if you know what I mean?

LOL, you killed me there, I just watched "We're the Millers", if you know what I mean...
( :) and sorry if you don't and haven't watched'em)

 

[Nonexistent]

BTW, thanks to everyone who kindly recommended seeing a professional, I understand your point and suggested help, unfortunately, it is not the way for me, because doctors/health professionals are a big part of my PTSD; kind of ironic, you know...

 

[Hope4Now]

Hi BrokenGlass. I'm glad you're hear and talking. I share your sense of not really knowing but maybe suspecting sexual abuse even though I can't remember. I also had issues with using toilet when anyone else was around (used to hold it so I didn't have to go in school)...and lots of the other stuff you mention. I think that what Bedbug said about starting with what's distressing you now is the best bet. You can drive yourself nuts and into weird flashbacks with questions about what might have happened and why you are the way you are (it happens to me a lot). You just have to start with where you are now.

I also get your reluctance about the medical community...I share a lot of that (e.g., I had oral surgery without any anesthesia when I was 10 or 11 and am phobic about dentists...and I used to freak out as a kid when the pediatrician would look at my private parts...I still break into cold sweats when I go to the gynecologist). Yet it is really important to talk to someone. I ended up finding someone really good who does massage/bodywork. He's the one who sort of talked me into finding a trauma therapist. I was VERY reluctant about both at the beginning, but it has been really helpful so far. Both of them still make me really nervous, but part of me knows they are helping me too.

 

[Echo]

@BrokenGlass - I was just wondering whether you would find it acceptable to see someone who didn't examine you physically? You probably didn't mention everything in your first post, but I just wanted to say that to me therapists feel very different and very respectful in ways that doctors don't, even the good ones. But you know what you can deal with, so I hope I'm not being intrusive or impertinent by suggesting this.

 

[Nonexistent]

@Hope4Now oh yes, dentists... I hear ya. One pulled my tooth out without any anaesthesia when I was little. I could tell so much more about these medical "healers". I'd be way more screwed up if I had continued the business with them.

@Echo , it's alright. I made myself visit one. I was concerned with my ADHD getting out of hand. Her advice: don't get a diagnosis, I don't recommend that to anyone (she might have a point, it's an effin Eastern European country I live in); also, she brushed off all what I was saying just to convince me that all of this are personality issues. What the hell does that even mean? No, thanks, I'm better off with my books and my own head. It's like a replay - my truth is being discarded for the sake of fitting into a damn medical course book's diagnosis and moral labeling. (Maybe someday somewhere I'll meet a decent therapist, probably when I move to another country.)

 

[Barconian]

@BrokenGlass ADHD is not a deficit, it is a difference! There are about 5% of like minded people in the world to you! Out of that 5% then you brake down the ones you connect with! Many on here might disapprove of what I am about to write, except you Broken. How many people have you met that can encourage you to change your past into your present?

You do realise that @Echo is telling you the truth. Professional help works! Either stop psychoanalysing the therapists or find one that can handle your intelligence! I did, so why can't you and I don't want to hear about the be-causes? I have read other posts that you put up and I do see your knowledge... Kind of boggled me for a second, but I'm right now lol.

The PTSD side is what is holding you up and the sooner you except it, then you can deal with it!!! You are not making friends because you are afraid to and I know damn well that you can stabilise.

I am pushing to see your strength Broken.. I believe you have a lot :)

 

[Nonexistent]

Heh, thanks. Yeah, where do you live, may I ask? What country. And have you been to any of Eastern European countries? :) I've travelled, I know I can make friends abroad. I met a great therapist on a train in the US, it was fun and nice to have a mutual subject to chat about. You really have to live where I live to get the perspective of what I'm talking about. I push myself to my limits, believe me, no need to worry and be impatient. :)

 

[Barconian]

Yeah, where do you live, may I ask? What country.

Australia... I have never been oversees even though I am German descent and have family there!

 

[Nonexistent]

That makes a lot of sense for your optimism!
:D