How Do You Make Friends?

[Lady of Longbourn]

I have been trying to work out something that happened on Tuesday that has been bothering me. I started writing it out and then realized it was too complex and I couldn't get it down right. It was barely making sense to me and I was there.

During a movie a girl in the history class asks a very oblivious question. A few people around me snickered, raised eyebrows....and I was one of them. :sorry::sorry::sorry: Unfortunately, the girl who asked the question was looking right at me even though I was about 3 rows over. I know I wasn't loud and might not have even made a sound so I don't really know why she was looking at me. Actually now that I think about it, a few people were. Maybe becasue I moved in my seat, I don't know...

I felt/feel terrible. Being made fun of so much and bullied in my life...I felt like I had briefly become a bully to her.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

((((@Ayesha)))) Your honesty is refreshing.

I was bullied too growing up. I totally understand your anxiety. It's wonderful that you are self aware. It does not make you a bully--though I know you weren't saying that exactly. It makes you human. The reason I say that is because you became aware of it and are sharing about it. Bullies don't have that same insight unless they go on a journey. And a lot of them, don't ever.

Updated: I wanted to add something else. Last night, in my Psychology class, there was a woman who was acting strange. I can't tell you exactly what she was doing. I often remember a color. Well, anyway, I noticed myself responding to it in a way that felt like bullying. I saw other people responding that way as well, or were they? Was it just me? I tried so hard not to feel that way. I got mad at myself for thinking that way of someone who is just different than me. Who am I to judge?

I realized that perhaps she expressed a side of herself that is also a part of me that I repressed long ago because I thought who I am is the reason I was bullied. I thought that I was defective and that something was wrong with me back then so I tried so hard to change myself. Projections. They are so fascinating, so so fascinating to me.

Now, I can see what she was doing. She was displaying a sort of girlish and giddy, smily mannerism, almost child like.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Which woman?

I was making a general statement when I said, "women". Now I'm unsure. I don't know which women would not think that. Perhaps the ones who are aware, like on an intellectual level?

Next thought. About what happened at your job and out to dinner with your husband, I have those same questions. My hubby tells me that with jobs, I am going to meet women who are very insecure about themselves and in a position of authority, it will come out . . .either by not hiring because I am pretty or by treating me like crap. It didn't make sense to me when he said that. Mostly because it seems like a pattern. When I see patterns, I automatically think there must be something wrong with me. My husband forces me to look at the positive experiences I've had where that pattern didn't exist. I find that helps me personally to see that I'm drawing a pattern in my head that probably doesn't exist. For me, it is one of the ways in which black and white thinking rears it's ugly head.

The reality of it is, there are just a lot of people who suck. There are also people who are abusers. There are people who are hurting, who are insecure, etc. There are people who are not like any of those things. It's difficult for me to see that big picture at times when my self is so fragmented from the pain.

There are so many people who are so unaware of much of anything. They just go through life with tunnel vision and react. I used to be one of them. Even though being ultra aware is so painful at times, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Life is so interesting.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Terrible night, I cried so much tonight. It's been a while since I cried that much. I still want to cry. I don't have the energy to write out what happened. I need to finish my English essay and all I can think about is how much my chest hurts and my head hurts and why can't I fix that whole hurting thing that I am not used to and that I normally don't allow.

Then I am trying to jump into school work, which is familiar but I still can't think straight.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Sorry. :sorry:

:hug:

 

[seedling]

Hope you got some rest and feel better today. That can take a lot out of you. :eek:

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

History class today: I tried again...made some small talk. One of the girls and I swapped cat pictures. It was noisy and loud and hard to hear anyone. I didn't know what to say. Now it's more obvious...What are the cats names? Where did you get them etc. etc.

I also realized that they seem to know each other from a different class and that threw me off becasue I felt like I was being left behind. Then I felt sad and lonely...which meant I closed down. I am not having a good few days so I could have done better I guess.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

This morning when I saw my personal trainer and she asked me how I was doing; I was honest with her. I told her, in about 3 sentences how I was really doing instead of a 'I'm fine." and she listened just like I really needed. I have known her for over 7 months now and I don't think I have ever went beyond basic small talk with her.

It's hard. Any sort of friendly relationship is hard. It's tiring. And it's difficult to stretch yourself out and be honest. I knew as soon as I saw her today that I could talk with her, nothing to personal but telling her a summary how I felt was a very nice feeling.

When I got home, I texted her and told her that I appreciated it, that I know it's not her job and everything but she texted back and said that it is her job, that my over all health and well being is her job. Stress plays a big part in her job.

I wish I could get rid of this loneliness feeling. It's awful. It's like depression but also is making me feel I am being whiny and annoying.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

My last T told me that it's healthy for any friendship/relationship to grow over time.

That's so great you were able to go beyond "I'm fine". That's really great.

You know, I want to validate your feelings of thinking you are being whiny and annoying.

Our society is so hell bent on positive thought and when people are honest about how they feel, society also teaches us that we are just being "negative". Just look at Facebook to see examples of that going on, but that's just one place.

If you look at that closely, you will see how society perpetuates black and white thinking. Where's the balance?

It also prevents people from truly connecting and reinforces the feelings of loneliness.

Aside from trauma, could that also be playing a role in how you feel about this?

 

[seedling]

You made such big steps! Laying a foundation for more.

I always feel uncomfortable being around people who are new to me when they know each other already. I feel like the odd one out. I spend my time dealing with that instead of enjoying the company.

Maybe you are pushing your comfort zone/boundaries and are feeling the backlash. Letting people in is scary. Saying how you are really doing is scary. Those old negative voices start speaking up, trying to keep the defenses in place.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

@seedling Very well said.

I wish I could do more. I wish I could just have friends already. Like it was all over and I suddenly had nice women to go on shopping sates with or get my monthly nails done with. That makes me feel so jealous to see woman getting their nails done with there girlfriends.

My therapist is right. I am actually very social. I can imgaine, a lot laughing with a bunch of girlfriends. The fact that I am not makes me what to cry.

You know I bought some really cool stackable bangles with these cool charms on them before school started. I really love them. I love the expression like I love the expression of my tattoos (which I can't get anymore). But I also got them because I looked at them and thought...maybe while in school a girl will notice them and maybe she will talk to me. Maybe I will explain them and where I got them and we will laugh together and I will smile. http://www.alexandani.com/

Oh, I want to cry. I feel so sorry for myself. I know people hate the pity party thing but I really do think that I have a case for myself. I have a reason to be sad and a reason to share. I am worth sharing right?

Can I please finally share how lonely I am? (This is not at you seedling).

@EvenStrongerNow Negative feelings? I know where they come from...being ignored so much. Being teased. Overlooked. It is how I was always treated. No one wanted to come to my birthday parties, and the few I was invited to was a joke. People spitting in my food. The heavy medication for ADHD that the school was sure I had made it worse; I was foggy and a zombie. Thankfully they took this off me and for once my stepfather was helpful in my life ( he is a doctor). He demanded that my mother take me off of it; It was bad for my health and he was sure I did not have ADHD at all. My father was angry and tried to get me put back on it when I would visit but becasue he did not have custody of me the doctors wouldn't do it and then didn't feel I had it either.

Only once do I remember being taken to an actually therapist. I don't remember it but I found the paperwork. She did not think I had ADHD. But it was ignored.

I wouldn't speak. In high school this got worse. The whole day no one would speak to me and I wouldn't say anything either. No one cared. A flim would form around my mouth during the day because I never talked, my lips would stick together.

5 and half years without a single close friend and I totally feel it is all me and my fault. I never got close, never let someone in and no one really wanted me either (that much). Not beyond acquaintance or saying "I like you/admire you/ think you are brave/intelligence."

Not a dig at anyone...Maybe that was my fault.

I am so sorry for being so negative.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

You're not being negative. You're not being negative at all. You are sharing some really hard stuff.

I relate to so much of what you said. I was on ADHD medication too. I was bullied and I too had no friends. I felt like a zombie. I got perfect grades and everyone thought I was such a dork--they told me I was annoying, they beat me up, they spit on me, they called me names, played cruel jokes on me, guys pretended to like me so everyone would laugh at me....(no wonder I love the movie: She's All That, so much)

I never got close. I never let anyone in.--grade school and junior high

In high school, I took myself off of my medication in my junior year. I promised myself I would never take them again. I was a social butterfly. I still didn't let anyone in, but I had friends....even if they were the wrong friends. I was promiscuous due to being sexually abused and some other stuff. I had zero self esteem. I thought that if I dressed sexy and put on 5 lbs of makeup, that everyone would like me. And I got into relationships where men abused me and spit on me.

I pretended for a long time that I was someone I was not so people would like me.

I like you. I admire you. I think you are very brave. I think you are extremely intelligent.

((((Ayesha))))