Trouble With Disclosure

[desiderata310]

Have you thought about emailing it? LAWD what did people do before email? I've actually told him things I couldn't voice because it made my chest hurt to open my mouth about certain things but I could type them really fast and hit send before I looked at it. He would have the email in the file (yeah, I could see it from where I was sitting) but he wasn't waving it at me accusingly or anything) he would just kinda look at me and say, I got your email and I want to talk about this a bit and I know it was tough to tell me this…. HA! was it ever! But it started the conversation for me. It kept me from backing out. Just make sure to hit send. don't proof. just do.

(aside: did that last week. when he responded that he got my text I texted back that I shouldn't have done that. yesterday he asked was I like, drunk emailing or something? No, just freaking our that I had asked a question and wished I had not done so. )

 

[It's all my fault]

@maryel42 I know I too have lots of trouble with disclosure. What I have found helpful if I just write it down and hand it to her. How about you writing...."define molested" as an opener. At least it may open up the conversation easier if you are ready. Good luck

 

[maryel42]

I have been writing him lots of emails on the greater whole of stuff. I actually walked in last week and opened with the original trauma/original sin question; he knows the outline of my history and I'm sure that a at this point he won't judge me (still fear that, it's not a rational fear. Distorted belief, yes?)

I can type it here but not in my offline life. Maybe that's my homework today? Write it out in my trauma diary. Or just work on writing it, period, endstop.

I came up to a line with this topic last session and as my mind shorts out with this I flip to my mother-issues which I'm really just now fully exploring. Healing. Whatever. It's a pattern of mine to short out on one heavily charged topic and mentally pull something else out.

I call it flipping the deck. Every card is something else, and they're all very valid things that do need to be addressed, but I hide from other issues each time i flip.

I guess a question for myself follows right behind the initial one: should I flip the deck or stick with this memory up to the end? Which will make me feel more whole and at peace? I had two solid nights of good sleep and last night started me spiraling again.

 

[Bedbug]

I dealt with this before. At length. I did years of working just on this and I could talk about it freely for fifteen years without a tremor.

By any chance, did you write anything down? I understand that you are approaching it in a very different way this time, but if you do have this it might be helpful.

 

[maryel42]

You know, I did. But that was several technology and computers ago. 3 1/2" disks. Oy. As I'm posting from my phone...

My therapist joked a few weeks back that i would be mailing thirty handwritten pages every day if email hadn't come along!

Good thought though. I will comb back through my hard drive and see. I touched on it in my diary entry, the 'becoming Alice' post that I copied to him.

In my offline life I'm watching cartoons with my daughter who has just helped make cheeseburgers. I'm doing a pain journal every two hours. I'm trying not to get depressed at writing down what hurts and how bad; seeing how constant it is really messes my head up sometimes. Well. That is not something that can be changed in the next half hour. But a rousing game of tickling and making silly animal noises... That will make me smile.

Isn't it amazing how you can choose to channel fear, insecurity, pain into online outlets, and deal with them in part there, and thus allow you to refocus the outside life to be more present? Maybe that's just another way I dissociate.

It is a functional way for me.

I told my therapist right at the beginning that my stuff gets... Messy... When it pours out in email. He shouldn't worry about that. He should worry when I lose my words.

Huh. That right there is why I'm so stressed about disclosure.

 

[desiderata310]

"I told my therapist right at the beginning that my stuff gets... Messy... When it pours out in email. He shouldn't worry about that. He should worry when I lose my words."

Couldn't have said it better...

 

[maryel42]

"I told my therapist right at the beginning that my stuff gets... Messy... When it pours out in email. He shouldn't worry about that. He should worry when I lose my words."

Couldn't have said it better...

Which I reminded him of, when I was started to not edit before sending those super-long, rambling, emails. Especially when I talked through some of my cutting issues. Graphically. And followed them before and after by long, mega-depressive stuff. He promised he wouldn't overreact to me. So far, so good. I did tell him straight out, also, that if I followed those things with more than two days of virtual silence, worry.

I can almost never manage it. My emails, they doth spill over... I babble. Even when I'm not babbling on the outside, I babble on the inside. As you can tell. :rolleyes: Hence, when I'm so lost in a flood that I lose my words altogether; well. It means more because of that.

I do like that he's taking me at my word on that. I trust him more because of it. I just... don't always trust myself to trust him. I said that on another thread here. Forget which one.

 

[maryel42]

I didn't work on this piece of writing after all this afternoon, but I did an interesting thing of I Believe statements on my trauma diary, if anyone wants to get a chuckle. I hope others find it as funny as I do (funny, as in it's true, even though it hurts.)

I'm not actually sure how I mean that. Just that I enjoyed writing it even though it hurt.