Relationship Pushed Again

[tsadlerj]

So here I am again pushed away with no sign of light at the end of the tunnel. It's gotten to the point now where my girlfriend is asking me to leave her and telling me that I will be better off. When I tell her that I'm not about to leave her nor am I willing to give up on us she tells me that she's had enough. It's like she wants me to break up with her so that it will be my decision and not hers, but it really is hers.

The thing is, I love her so much. But every time we are doing good I know it's just a matter of time before I am shut out again. This time it lasted only a few hours. Then she was triggered again and i didn't know how to deal with it.

In the past it's always been something that I have done that has put her over the edge so I spend my time trying to understand why she is upset and what I did that triggered her. But this time she was triggered but it wasn't by me, but I was there when it happened. She immediately shut me out and I reacted poorly to it and got upset. I didn't yell or anything like that, but I was noticeably irritated.

I am starting to crack. I have never been so emotional in all my life and that's hard. Not only because I have cried more in the last couple months than I have in all my life, but also because I have this horrible feeling that just won't go away. I'm starting to think that I need help too. I told her that and she took it as me needing help to date her which isn't the case. I think I have some issues as well. Obviously nowhere near as serious as hers but I have had some serious changes in my life and my health over the past year or so and it's all starting to take it's toll on me. I think my biggest problem is that I am afraid to be alone. But it's not like I want to be able to be alone.

My wife left me just over a year ago and I was out on my own for the first time in 10 years and went from seeing my son every day to only a couple of times per week. I never really knew what loneliness was, but I learned quickly. Because of this loneliness I started dating pretty much right away. Not to get over my exwife, but to combat the loneliness. My exwife is a great woman and mother, but our marriage was over long before she left me. I just didn't have the courage to do it myself.

So I started dating from a popular website. Nothing too serious though. Then as I was about to give up on the website and pretty much throw in the towel on love, I got a message from my girlfriend (litterly two seconds before I cancelled my account). I didn't take this lightly and thought that perhaps fate was playing a hand in all of this so I sent a reply and we started chatting.

When I finally met her I saw the fireworks go off. I never believed in love at first sight but I do now. I strongly believe that she is the woman that I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I know that she loves me (even though she hasn't been able to say it yet), but sometimes it's just so hard.

The thing is is that when we are on we are amazing. She hasn't just become my lover, but she has also become my best friend. She also has a son who is an amazing kid and my son is crazy about her and told her that he loves her. In fact, I have him today and he keeps asking when we are going to go to her house and even coloured a picture for her (I had nothing to do with that, it was all his idea lol).

So yeah, I don't know what to do. I know that everyone seems to say that a person will say just about anything to push away their spouse/supporter when they have been triggered, but I think the toughest part for me to understand is how she can say some of those things to me.

I guess I don't really understand PTSD as well as I need to, but I am learning more and more every day. But it's one thing to read what it's all about and to tell myself not to take things personal when she has been triggered, but it's so hard not to and I usually end up defending myself and making matters worse. I don't know. All in all I think I know what I am supposed to do and how I am supposed to react, but saying what I am supposed to do and actually doing it can be so damn hard sometimes

 

[Echo]

@tsadlerj - I am not a counsellor, so by all means take what I say with a pinch of salt. However, I know when I get triggered I can barely breathe with the panic attack that results. My heart goes into an awful clamp and I feel very afraid or terrified, depending on the trigger. I would find it so hard to have someone act out around me at that moment, 'fuss' over me or ask anything of me really. And if they started to get angry when I feel like I'm dying, well that would just about take the biscuit. It is like being thrown into a life or death situation temporarily. Sometimes that panic attack lasts for more than a day, sometimes it is just hours. If my partner was there in the room, if I had a partner, I would not be able to cope with being cuddled or held or anything like that at the onset of the panic attack, because I can't catch my breath and I feel like my heart might stop. I certainly couldn't discuss the weekly shop or anything like that. Remember a person with PTSD has no control over these things. They might learn coping strategies gradually in therapy, but they may not know all of the things that might trigger them for years. My therapist is right when she says a PTSD panic attack can feel like you're having a heart attack. So please don't see your girlfriend's reaction as shutting YOU out. She is needing to concentrate entirely on herself at that point in the way I describe. She is trying to survive.

I'm also wondering whether you let yourself really grieve the loss of your last relationship before you got involved in this one. I'm not suggesting you should end things, but I'm wondering whether some of your feelings still relate to that major loss in your life, or maybe something earlier in your life. There is no harm in any of us doing work on issues of co-dependency, and there is no shame in anyone having counselling or therapy if they are struggling. It seems that both you and your girlfriend are taking one another's responses so very personally. That is the nature of co-dependency. We do need to learn to separate out our issues from those of another and have the capacity not to lose our sense of self and our centre when someone else is in meltdown for whatever reason.

Anyway, just a thought or some thoughts. I do really hope you both find your way through this.

 

[Justmehere]

I want to suggest something that might be hard to hear: You might need to be alone for awhile before you can be together with her or someone else. You might need to get some counseling for yourself to work on what you have been through with your own divorce, which is a major loss, and why you are scared to be alone. I think that fear and pain might be pushing you into a relationship that perhaps you and your girlfriend are not ready for right now.

I have a HUGE fear of "getting in trouble" when in relationships, and the more I fear it, the more I "get in trouble" because I'm so frantically trying NOT to get in trouble. Your fear of being alone might be a little like that - the more you fear it, the more you inadvertently unintentionally do things that contribute to you being alone.

Learning to be ok alone and manage the fear of it - that doesn't mean you will be alone. In fact, it will likely help you not be alone over the long haul. (am I making any sense?)

Seeing a counselor about everything you are going through, and perhaps taking some time to grieve the loss of your marriage, that might help you a lot in relationship with your girlfriend.

I don't think this is about you needing to learn more about how to handle PTSD. You have been learning a lot and asking great questions around here on the forums. You are not soley responsible for things falling apart between you and her. She is responsible for her own behaviors and it sounds like she is really pushing you away and almost abandoning you a lot on a regular basis - the very thing you fear. She has to work to make it work, and she may not be ready right now and there just may not be anything more you can do about it.

When she gets triggered, it's not on you to know how to deal with it. It's her responsibility to manage her triggers. Not yours. Don't take her responsibility to manager her triggers from her. She needs to be responsible for it so that she can get well. That is really important in PTSD.

I'm sorry you are both going through this really rough time.

 

[tsadlerj]

Thanks @Echo . I can assure you that I don't have any issues with my past relationship other than only getting to see my son twice per week as opposed to every day. I kind of understand how she is feeling and in principle I know what I am supposed to do. It's just so hard. She is started therapy a few weeks back however she hasn't gone now in a couple of weeks. She has just rescheduled to go back into therapy next week, which will obviously be a good thing. I just wish there was something for the two of us. This website is fantastic and I have learned so much about how I am supposed to react, but it's a lot harder to put execute those practices sometimes, and that's what I need help with (along with my own issues). I feel like I keep letting her down. She wasn't triggered last night by me, but I made it worse. The thing is, is as you say you don't want to be held or cuddled when you are having a panic attack, but that is my natural reaction. I want to be the shoulder to cry on and the person she can rely on. I don't judge her and care more about her than I do myself. That's what makes it really hard. Understanding that as much as I want to help, she doesn't anything to do with me when this is happening. It's selfish of me. I know it is. Because in my head we can just lie in bed holding each other and eventually the feeling will go away for her and all will be better. But I know that's not how it works. That part that I really need to work on is how both of our brains work. I see things one way and she sees things another way. I need to understand that but it can be so tough. But I can guarantee you that I will do whatever I can to get better. She means too much to me for me to mess this up.

 

[tsadlerj]

@Justmehere . Thanks again for your input. You have been the most helpful person I have come across on this forum and you always have something good to share. With that being said, I can assure you that I am ready for this relationship. I have never been more sure about anything in my life. She is the one for me. I also think that she is ready, although we definitely need some work and I am more than prepared to do whatever it takes to make this work. Someone like her only comes around once in your life and that isn't something that I take lightly. I love her more than anything. I never knew it was possibly to love a person this much.

 

[Echo]

@tsadlerj - I'm sorry if I got that wrong. I haven't read your story yet elsewhere on the site. It is just you spoke about loneliness and the rush into this new relationship. Like @Justmehere says, we all need to be able to be alone and stand alone in the world. One doesn't have to end a relationship to do that necessarily, but working yourself on yourself with a counsellor might really help your relationship. Even therapists have to have mentors to discuss things with if they become too much and can't see the way forward for therapy. For us mere mortals, standing by when someone we love is in agony, is really hard. That sort of support outside of the relationship would work to the benefit of the relationship itself and help you see things more clearly. Having myself been really tortured by a fear of abandonment, I do understand what it does inside a relationship. I'm trying to work on healing it so that I can have a better relationship future myself. Anyway, I'l butt out before I offend you by getting it all wrong!

 

[Snowangel1225]

I want to be the shoulder to cry on and the person she can rely on. I don't judge her and care more about her than I do myself.

Read your quote. Now imagine being in her position where she is triggered and in the middle of a panic attack. At that moment all she wants to do is run and be alone until she can get a grip on her emotions again. Trust me, she KNOWS that you want to be the person she runs to and she knows you care about her. It's just right now, she can't deal with taking care of your need to be needed and she feels additional pressure to try. She doesn't want to hurt you so in her head, it's better if you get away from her. Not only is she 'saving you from her' but it's removing the pressure of being in a relationship.

I would seriously consider therapy to help you deal with your own issues. A break right now might be best for both of you.

 

[Snowangel1225]

I also think that she is ready

What makes you think that? All signs are that she is not ready right now. She cannot be in a healthy relationship until she gets herself healthy.

 

[NovemberStar]

@tsadlerj - I'm wondering if you have had any counseling yourself, and / or to your family background. I ask because it crossed my mind reading your post that it might be an issue of co-dependency at play in your relationship with her?

This isn't meant as a criticism btw.; it's just that sometimes there is TOO much love in a relationship, especially when the other person is trying to put some boundaries into place, and / or retreating when they are having particular rough patches due to PTSD. As hard as it is, you should give her the space she needs and time to heal; let her come to you, but don't crowd her or cling tighter as this will only serve to make her run further.

There is a line in which 'trying to be there no matter what' for another person crosses into harm for them. Is this really about what is best for HER, or what is best for your feelings / needs?

From someone who grew up in a completely suffocating relationship (with my mother), the feeling of being enmeshed, of being totally invaded emotionally, it is a very frightening thing to deal with. (I'm not saying you are like that at all - I'm speaking more about how it feels to have someone try (very hard) to get closer emotionally to you, than you are comfortable with)

 

[tsadlerj]

Maybe you are right @Snowangel1225 . Maybe she isn't ready. Maybe I'm not ready. But love doesn't care whether or not you are ready. Mind you I didn't rush into this relationship. I rushed into dating when my ex and I split up, but this relationship came probably at the perfect time.

 

[Justmehere]

You lost your wife of a decade and immediately got into a relationship with someone who has a mental health condition that causes her to repeatedly abandon you... that sounds like a sub-consciously driven reenactment of the loss of your wife.

You say you have no issues with the loss of your marriage... and if that is true, I'm sort of concerned that you could lose your wife, lose time with your son, have a major life change like that, and have no issues about it... that's pretty big stuff to grieve!

You both may feel ready, but things are still not working. I don't think it's about you and her needing to just have different responses. It sounds like from what you both have posted on the forums before and now, maybe she has a disorganized or avoidant attachment pattern and you may have a preoccupied attachment pattern - which I have read is really common in couples who are struggling. Attachment patterns are more than just thoughts and behaviors, they are ways of being and relating to people. It takes time and work to work, and usually therapy for both people, to work it out. It takes more than love and the right responses to someone getting triggered and upset.

If you are going to stay with her, you got to get to a place where she can leave you, distance herself from you, without you becoming anxious about being alone and losing her. This is incredibly hard for healthy humans to do! Otherwise, I fear that she will keep pushing you away, you will keep pushing in, and around and around the cycle goes. I think you do great at working really hard to respect her need for space, and it clearly takes a toll on you and brings up fears of being alone for you. She might be picking up on that.

If she is going to stay with you, she needs to stick with her therapy and managing her own triggers and reactions to you and being responsible for that. As much as you both love each other, she has the PTSD to fight. PTSD can make love feel scary, and lead people to push people away.

I can tell how much you do really care about her and love her. You know yourself and your relationship the best. These are just my thoughts when I read what you write. I could be totally off track.

 

[tsadlerj]

@NovemberStar I definitely need to give her more space. I triggered her on Wednesday night and she just really started talking to me again yesterday. I went over to her house last night and we had a great time for the first few hours. Then she got triggered again. I hadn't given her enough time to recoup. She was great but her "stress cup" was still near the limit and didn't have enough time to replenish. That's what I realize now. That's why when she got triggered again we were right where we started even though this time it had nothing to do with me. But I am doing my best to give her space. I guess the part that I have the most trouble understanding is why she is able to let her friends in when she isn't doing well but she can't let me in. Perhaps if I understood this a little better then I would be a better supporter. With that in mind, I have started to look into getting some help myself as it can only help me work some things out.