Relationship Meeting My Ex-gf For The First Time Since Breaking Up

[Snowangel1225]

How did your reuniting come about? Who called who?

In our case, I had sent him a text simply saying "I hope you are doing okay." I wanted him to know I was still thinking of him, that I still cared and that I wasn't angry. We had no communication for months...no texting, no phone calls, no running into each other...nothing. I was surprised he responded actually. I wasn't expected anything. He sent a mini-flood of texts that night so I don't know if I just happened to catch him at a good moment or if he had been wanting to text but didn't dare. A couple of days later he suggested getting together but cancelled the day we were supposed to and I didn't hear from him for over a week. Finally I sent him a text saying that it was my weekend without kids and if he was available and wanted to, we could get together....if not, that was fine too. I tried to keep it as low pressure as I could but still let him know I wanted to see him but it was up to him. We did meet up, went out for supper and then hung out at his apartment watching tv until the early hours.

We don't see each other a lot or text a lot. Nothing like it was before but that's ok. I am giving him his space and he is giving me mine. Thinking back, our first text conversation, he had asked how I was doing and I told him that I was in therapy now but otherwise was doing okay. He asked why I decided therapy now (he knows some of my history of abuse) and I explained that I had an anxiety attack and ended up in the ER back in Jan. so I thought it might be time to start dealing with my issues. I think that was a connection for him. He suffers from anxiety too and wanted to know how it felt for me compared to how it felt for him. I couldn't say for sure, but I think it made him more comfortable opening up a little to me knowing that I was having some of the same problems as him and that I was okay with it. I didn't consider myself broken or damaged goods. It is what it is and I am not ashamed to say I am in therapy. It's not a sign of weakness.

the answer is always no unless you do

I agree 100% with InNeedOfGuidance here. It's worth a shot to ask if he wants to get together. Be prepared for a no or a cancellation but at least make the effort to ask. Odds are, he's afraid to ask too.

 

[abs_21]

I think you should ask him. I think you may be surprised as his answer. and as you have been the driving force in the whole of your relationship this would signal to me that he would never invite you to visit or ask if he could visit you not because he doesn't want to but because this is the role that you have played in the relationship.

What do you have to loose?

If he says yes then you can take it from there if he says no then you can still maintain the same long distance friendship that you have now. Life is too short and I think that you may wait forever for him to initiate something and if this isn't something he has done before then it is unlikely to be something he would do now.

Carry on doing the same things and you will get the same outcome x

 

[Snowangel1225]

@InNeedOfGuidance, good luck tonight. :)

 

[InNeedOfGuidance]

@Snowangel1225 Thank you so much. It is definitely hard not to have expectations, especially when I cannot stop thinking about how happy we were together, how easily we clicked right from our first impromptu date, how she told me in a card she sent to me right when she got to Afghanistan that I "filled gaps in her life which she thought no man would ever fill and how I have made her whole. How my love gives her a burning desire to start living her life of happiness and fulfillment with me.", how she was used to being this "tough" girl and how I made her show a lot of emotion to me in a good way (she was letting her guard down), how she said "she liked me so much that she wanted to rip my face off" (it was funny the way she said it and with her facial reaction), and how much fun we had together all of the time before Afghanistan. It is like I am meeting her for the first time all over again and I feel like I have to walk on eggshells which sucks.

I also personally do not know overall what I want out of this in the long-term..different than any expectations of tonight. I am not sure if I can be just friends with her because I love her so much and she may need some serious help and if she is not willing to get it I am not sure I can stand by and watch her self-destruct and just contact me now and then if she chooses to assuming I do not always have to engage contact first.

On the other hand I do not want to "abandon" her like I sort of felt I did when I broke it off with her while she was in Afghanistan, but I did it for her because the stress of the relationship was killing her metaphorically speaking. If she had not gone back to Afghanistan or was going to be back in the States in a very short time like a month I would not have ended it, but she was going to be there for another 7 to 10 months which is an eternity mentally speaking over there.

Just so confused, but I will roll with the punches. I will not make any assumptions/expectations about tonight or play out the hypotheticals in my head. Will just see how it goes and make my decisions from there.

 

[Snowangel1225]

I know it's hard. I went through a lot of the same things with my guy. He told me things about his past that he had never told anyone before. He said the kids and I gave him hope that he could have a future again. We made lots of plans for the future of things we were going to do, places we were going to go. We were in the middle of some to those plans when it ended suddenly. It was like our relationship hit a brick wall and vaporized.

I think what helped me the most was joining an online Al Anon meeting. Yes, he is a recovering alcoholic and I grew up with an alcoholic father but that really isn't what the focus is about. It's about learning to love with detachment and realizing that you cannot fix or heal someone else. But you can be supportive without losing yourself in the process. It's a process and it's easy to fall back in the habit of trying to help too much but I just keep reminding myself that I can still love him while allowing him to make his own mistakes and choices. Following this has allowed me to reach a certain level of peace with myself.

I'm not saying you are a co-dependent because I don't know enough about you and nothing you have said screams co-dependent to me but I highly recommend reading the book 'Co-Dependent No More'. It made a huge difference in my life over the years.

 

[InNeedOfGuidance]

I am definitely not a co-dependent and in fact I actually consider myself to be very independent like my pop-pop was. I guess one of my "fears" for lack of better words is I do truly want her to be happy, but I am not sure I will ever be able to comprehend it if she ends up with another boyfriend and they then do all of the things we had planned on doing. It would not make sense to me why and how she is OK doing that with another guy and I could only assume opening up with him, but with me that would not be possible. It would make me feel like I just was not good enough and I am not sure I could handle that or be OK with it.

 

[Gingerly]

@InNeedOfGuidance, My ex is a Vietnam Vet so he has had PTSD for many years. I have my suspicions that he may have been abused in some way prior to that, although he never said so.

I asked him a couple of weeks ago if he'd like to get together for a weekend getaway. I said we didn't have to tell anybody, we could drive to the beach, stay overnight and enjoy each other's company. He said he didn't know, that he would think about it, but so far he hasn't brought it up and I don't think he will. As far as the phone calls go... it was a "thing" with him. He simply didn't call anybody; not just me. He would return a call, but seldom made the call. I will remain friends with him if that's all it is to be. Something is better than nothing.

I wish you luck tonight on your date. I hope all goes nice and smooth and will look for a post from you tomorrow with an update.

 

[Snowangel1225]

@Gingerly, maybe you could suggest something simpler? It might be too overwhelming for him to commit to an overnight or weekend getaway. Personally speaking, being gone overnight it very stressful to me so that is why I mention it.

 

[Gingerly]

@Snowangel1225, I hope things continue to go well for you with your ex. When you saw him, did your old feelings coming flooding back to you? Are you happy?

I went to a couple of Al Anon meetings after our break-up and I have the book too. He had been in recovery for 20 years, but then started drinking and smoking again right before we met. His drinking was a major problem for me. I keep the book nearby and reach for it every now and then as a pick-me-up.

 

[Snowangel1225]

When you saw him, did your old feelings coming flooding back to you?

Yes and no? We instantly slid right back into our roles we had before the breakup. Same old jokes, inside jokes and teasing each other. He loves cooking (and I love eating) so he's been doing some cooking for me and we spend time watching music videos and trying to catch up on past seasons of Hell on Wheels. So in that respect, yes. But also no because I think we both have a bit of a wall up to protect ourselves right now. Mine is up because I don't want to dive in head first again and have him suddenly end things when something goes wrong and his is up because he needs to figure out if he can trust me. In his head, I betrayed his trust and (his word) "challenged' him previously which caused him to end our relationship.

We are very comfortable together in many ways but there is also a little discomfort too because we are trying so hard not to push things too fast. We progress a little more each time (we haven't been seeing each other again for long). It's almost like being a nervous teenager again. Lol When I left his place Sunday, he gave me a long hug and a simple kiss good bye and that is as far as it's gone. It's nice to not feel pressured but I am sad that we lost that intimacy we had before.

Are you happy?

I'm happier than I was when we were completely apart which, for me, is enough for now. In a way, these months spent alone have been good for me. It's pushed me to a point where I realized I need help so I am not taking medication to help me with depression and anxiety and seeing a therapist. I have also learned that I can be okay being alone and that I don't need to depend on someone else for my happiness.

 

[InNeedOfGuidance]

@Snowangel1225 what exactly is it that made you so stressed? I think you may have been the one to mention that the sufferer may feel more vulnerable and it is the feelings that go along with being with that supporter. Overall, it is just so confusing for me (not trying at all to downplay this), but I would think the sufferer would be able to feel the most secure around someone who loves them the most and in turn not trust others as much. I would think a sufferer would want to be in a safe place and logically "crowd" the one that loves them the most and always want to be around them. I think this is the most frustrating part for me and other supporters to fully understand why the exact opposite happens.

 

[InNeedOfGuidance]

Does anyone think it would be inappropriate for me to get my ex a birthday gift or is dinner enough? Would getting her a gift maybe make her feel uncomfortable? Maybe just a gift-card in a card??? What if I just call it a welcome home from Afghanistan gift?