Is It Ok To Get Angry At Other People?

[Philippa]

Yes, it's a very hard thing to balance, and I've tried it. I did not handle working at my old job very well at all. I was making mistakes all the time and felt like I was going insane, as I kept making the SAME mistakes constantly. Either that or the women there were playing cruel jokes on me (which I did consider but didn't know if I was being paranoid or not?) It felt like gaslighting kind of stuff going on...papers being found in strange places that I had no recollection of putting there...and it happening all the time. Drove me bonkers actually. I was not in a good place. I even shaved my head...that's how crazy I felt.

 

[junglegirl]

Anger is a key step in kubler-ross's seven stages of grief and while I did not follow her model in my healing I recognized in retrospect that for me it rang true and every step is essential for me. Anger is uncomfortable for a lot of people but to get beneath it to the grief many feel it is human to feel anger first and even necessary as it is a reflex from pain. We cannot heal our feelings being directly d with logic. The nervius system fight or flight is a natural response when we are attacked and often we could not express our anger at the time hence it became frozen in our bodis and led to ptsd according to peter levine somatic experiencing psychiatrist. An example would be someone hitting you-first response is anger bc it hurts, after the anger subsides we cry. Often inptsd anger is so repressed and feared that it is horrible to think of approaching it. We may. Feel we will never get over it or it will be out of control like a horribly abusive person we lived with. We may have promised ourselves we would never be like him or her I found anger essential to recovering myself and my self-esteem but never push yourself where you are not ready to go. With time anger will come up without a therapist forcing it or anyone else for that matter;).

 

[Philippa]

That was what I was trying to articulate as well jungle girl. I think you did a better job of it though. ;) Letting myself get angry was essential for me to start seeing that I am also important and that I matter, and my boundaries matter, and that I have a right to speak up when they are being transgressed.

I still have trouble with finding my voice at times, but I think the anger was something that needed to come out, and I agree that it's there whether people think they don't get angry or not. I spent the first 20 years convinced that I didn't need to get angry...that I can bypass that and take the 'higher road', but when I quit smoking I realised that I smoked because it helped me supress all the anger I had stored up.

 

[junglegirl]

Wow good insight phillipa I wonder if my dad smoked for that reason.

 

[Philippa]

It's possible. I'm not saying everyone who smokes must therefore be suppressing anger...but in my experience, I found that was my main underlying reason...and I really examined and analysed my reasons for it thoroughly. I suspect it may be the same for many people, but I cannot say that for sure.

I will say that the women I have known who smoke...including my mother, have displayed passive aggressive behaviour many times. Passive aggression is a classic behaviour for people who do not know how to express their anger in healthy ways.

 

[intothelight]

Anger is complex, as it can be a response to many underlying emotions. I have struggled with inappropriate anger in the past few years, as I never learned to express the underlying emotions properly. For me, anger was the expression of fear, hurt, abandonment, betrayal, pain, distrust, etc. Having grown up in an abusive home where expressing any negative emotion was to put yourself at risk and then finding this same pattern in an abusive marriage, I honestly never learned how to express negative emotion in a healthy manner.

The there was one day that it just all came out, or should I say, came in. All of the fear, hurt, betrayal, pain, etc. came flooding in and I was angry, so very angry at myself. Then it just all spilled out to those around me. It felt so bad, out of control and poisoness that it developed into so much self hate that I ended up very suicidal.

It is OK to feel the emotions, including anger, and there is nothing inherently wrong in that. How that emotion is expressed is critical, as no one has the right to attack another person. Inappropriate anger expression isn't always "in your face" as it can be expressed through sarcasm, passive aggressive behaviors, avoidance, etc.

Learning to process and express emotion properly is tricky, and I am working on learning to be assertive, without being a doormat or being aggressive. I find that when I have been in doormat mode for a while, something trips me and I come out swinging. Some things can just roll off, but other things need to be addressed and when I bottle them up, the pressure builds and the explosion happens.

I just have to keep reminding myself that I have choices and it is up to me to make the choices and control my responses. No one can "make" me anything, and knowing that I have control helps me to make better decisions and have more healthy responses.

 

[Philippa]

I'm learning to be more assertive without being a doormat as well intothelight. It's an ongoing process I think. I feel like I've had a similar experience...with expressing anger as a way of expressing hurt and betrayal and fear as well, but not knowing how to actually express those things.

It made things worse for me when my parents turned around one day and announced to their friends how they have 'always let us kids express ourselves', which apart from one incident when my mother decided it would be good for me and my brother to sort our issues out no hold barred, I generally never felt allowed or ok to voice and express what I was feeling and at one stage wasn't even aware I had feelings, much less that they were valid.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

but I think the anger was something that needed to come out, and I agree that it's there whether people think they don't get angry or not. I spent the first 20 years convinced that I didn't need to get angry...that I can bypass that and take the 'higher road'

I still believe that! I am also convinced the sadness doesn't belong to me either. Sadness is a by product of their anger. It's not my burden to bear. I refuse to feel either. Or better said..linger there very long. ;) That is not avoidance.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

The nervius system fight or flight is a natural response when we are attacked and often we could not express our anger at the time hence it became frozen in our bodis and led to ptsd

Once fight or flight kicks in you don't have time to feel angry. For me it was all about finding safety. Exploring and/or dealing with PTS as an adult I find anger being the same waste of time.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I found anger essential to recovering myself and my self-esteem

I agree with this, we all feel anger and it does need to be released. But I don't think that it being therapeutic gives people permission to take their anger out on others.

If it makes somebody feel better to say derogotory things about me, women, single parents, people with PTSD etc because they feel angry - it's not ok with me for them to do that. It is ok for them to feel angry, but their reactions show that they have some work to do on managing their anger and learning how to express it without finding a someone to blame for their life.

It just seems sometimes that the therapeutic understanding that it's healthy to express anger, has got a bit twisted and mixed up with the idea that it's ok to have a go at others because the angry person feels like it..

 

[Philippa]

I still believe that! I am also convinced the sadness doesn't belong to me either. Sadness is a by product of their anger. It's not my burden to bear. I refuse to feel either. Or better said..linger there very long. ;) That is not avoidance.

If you are speaking about sadness and anger that is a transference from your parents, then yes, of course you are not obliged to take that on. That is their stuff to own.

 

[junglegirl]

Some people are so dense that they cannot take a hint. Recently, I told someone disruptive and desiring to engage in an argument with me to move on because I don't consider her worthy of my precious time.



It is not a productive use of my time as I am not focusing on my own beauty and happiness.=)