Relationship Crying Spells And Scrunching Heart

[kyara]

A man I love is/was suffering from PTSD when we put an end to our relationship. He had a breakdown and ended our relationship, which is perhaps for the better since he really needs the time to recoup for himself. This happened before Christmas 2013 ... and this is our 4th month without communication.

I have been really struggling this past week. I can certainly identify why, since my birthday is coming up in a month and my birthday is somewhat like an anniversary for us too.

I am having a hard time holding myself together.... the pain in my heart, the crying spells... I am really at a lost.

I know if I really want, I can send him an email. (We live on different continents, and we both prefer communication that is more discreet because of our schedules.)

I know I don't want to send him an email because I know he last told me that my care is a trigger for him.

I know I secretly wish he would email me for my birthday and our 'anniversary'.

I am really struggling and could really use some support.... whether it is advice, comfort, from supporters and sufferers... What do I do? What can I do? This pain cannot go on for a whole month ... it's a lot to bear.

 

[Seaotter]

I have no advice but I'm in the same boat. It's been 7 months now. I still see him at a mutual event twice a week. His trigger is love/caring spent his whole life in abusive relationships - until me. He physically shut down and went numb. Says he doesn't feel the same way as he did. A couple of weeks ago he was mad I ignored him after he asked for space. Then after we cleared that up and things were normal-ish he blocks me on FB. I've done a lot of research on PTSD, attachment theory, and ACOA PTSD from Tian Dayton. You sound very strong going this long with no contact. People keep saying to give up but they don't understand. I second guess myself a lot. am trying to detach with love, and let him find his way...I cannot control it and anything I've done to date has not worked. I miss him but this is his issue and I cannot fix him.

 

[kyara]

People keep saying to give up but they don't understand. I second guess myself a lot. am trying to detach with love, and let him find his way...I cannot control it and anything I've done to date has not worked. I miss him but this is his issue and I cannot fix him.

Yup. We are certainly in the same boat. I miss him very very much.

It must be very hard for you too; how do you deal with it considering you would see him twice a week? In a way, I am glad I am not seeing him, and I can't because we have always been a long distance couple. It's 2 ways, certainly. If I do have communication with him, I have cues as to what he is feeling etc.

I think you are very wise; yes, he is who he is. Would you mind sharing some of the things you've tried?

 

[Shadowofdoubt]

Hugs kyara and seaotter. Same type of situation. I'm very impressed, if I understand correctly, that you have gone so long without contact, kyara. That is a huge struggle I have. It's killing me, and I have been very sad myself...dealing with the conflicting thoughts and feelings, wanting to show you care but feeling guilty that you may make it worse by saying something.

I've tried to balance it out but kind of gave up and I do send emails a couple times a week. He chooses not to look at them as far as I know. Sufferers may have better insight, but if it's been that long already then I don't see the harm in sending a note saying you're thinking about him. Just brace yourself for if he doesn't respond.

This forum has been an amazing help...it's nice to feel less alone.

 

[kyara]

Thank you both for writing. Yes, the sheer knowledge that "I am not alone" and there is nothing wrong with me in the way that I feel is certainly comforting.

I am surviving. I was certainly feeling under the weather this past week. Having this place to just cry out to - verbally and emotionally, is a wonderful help. I can hang on and stick to my goal, for now that is.

My goal is one year. Our last contact was his birthday in early January and that's when he had another episode of breakdown even in his email. I am going to keep my eye on next year January if I don't hear from him before then.

Who knows how he had really felt? I know how I am feeling, right now, that's about all. And today, I still feel very much in love with him,