I Am So Confused And Lost!

[Andaliad]

Hello, I am in need of some guidance. I am friends with a soldier who has done several deployments, lost a finger in battle, watched many of his soldiers killed, is going through a horrible divorce with a very manipulative woman who uses their 4 children as pawns to get money from him and still fails to take care of the children, and is very scared for his children's well being.

As you can see, he has been through and is currently going through quite a bit. Currently, he is experiencing nightmares (not of battle), talking in his sleep, having conversations in his sleep that he does not remember, talks of having a need to deploy again so he can "kill bad guys", twitches HORRIBLY and quite violently in his sleep, says he's never more relaxed than when he is in a firefight.

He feels that he does not need therapy. That it's nothing he can't handle. He knows that if he goes to get help, he will be non deployable and he is dying to deploy again. I have had full on conversations with the man where we are both laughing, carrying on, and he's even playing on his cell phone....yet the next morning, he does not remember it. He twitched so bad one night, he kneed his ex wife and bruised her tailbone. A couple of nights ago, he jerked in his sleep and punched my chest.

I am at a loss of what to do. I have PTSD from my childhood but after years of therapy, I have it under control. I mention PTSD to him and he immediately laughs at me. Saying that there's no way he has it.

What do I do? How do I encourage or convince him to seek help? What can I do in order to help myself cope?

I appreciate your time.

 

[nursenurse]

I am not sure of your relationship, how he can knee the ex in the tailbone and then punch you in the chest.

Here's the thing. He is going through the divorce, which means he is still married. That is one, non PTSD reason for you to stay away. He has business to attend to, and until all is said and done, he is still spoken for. let him attend to that. it is a two way street. he can be telling you how horrible the soon to be ex is, but you have not walked in her shoes nor borne his four children. Cut her some slack. she may be everything you describe her as being. It is not for you to deal with.

You know yourself he has serious issues, one of them being absolute denial, and since you have PTSD, you know that he will fall and take everyone with him, or lose everyone, if he doesn't smarten up and seek help. You cannot make him do it. You should know that too.

Quit the horizontal mambo. Step aside, give him space to sort himself and his divorce out. Set your boundaries. And stick with them. Love will never be enough, you know that too. He needs more help than you an give them. there may be more than PTSD going on here. I hope you are still in counselling. This is not the right time for him to be embroiled in a relationship, when he hasn't cleaned up his baggage from the previous one. And when he can't admit to a problem which in all likelihood contributed immensely to the demise of marriage number one.

 

[Andaliad]

@nursenurse

Oh no! Lol!! We are room mates! We were on a camping trip and there were 6 of us in a tent. That was when I got punched.

 

[Promicarus]

@Andaliad

Your friend sufferers from a condition much worse than PTSD-what could be called a "complication" of PTSD, which makes it deadly, or at least, potentially so. It's called ignorance. And it's the same condition which the entire world in the form of current consensus reality suffers from, so he shouldn't feel bad about it.

PTSD doesn't have anything more to do with "personal will", or as a sign of "inadequacy", than does the flu, for example, or for that matter, suffering a head injury in a car accident.

Why? Because it's a neurophysiological phenomenon, now identified as an evolutionary adaptation humans have acquired in order to render themselves more likely to survive in the presence of a threatening environment--practical when you're in one, not so much so, when you're not. It's really that simple. I think we need a new name...in order to divorce it from the stigma which the term PTSD obviously carries-as attested to by virtue of the fact that such vast numbers of veterans, like your friend, absolutely refuse to even consider the possibility that they might suffer from it.

For example, infants acquire symptoms indistinguishable from PTSD from being deprived of nurturing human contact early in their development. Why? Because such is responsible for the same set of changes in neuroligical function, and even structure.

Maybe "Evolved Neurological Adaptation", for example. Who knows. But something that puts it on par with having a sore muscle. I.e., have a sore muscle? Well, it's not your fault, obviously. It's your bodies way of responding to objectively undue strain on an organ system.

I too have suffered from PTSD from youth, with the accompanying violent nightmares, flashbacks, numbing, intrusive memories and thoughts, etc. Until I did the necessary reading and research myself, I too suffered from the additional strain of the shame involved with a sense of inadequacy at "not being able to measure up" in terms of simply applying "mind over matter" as a means of ignoring/overcoming them.

And ironically, that shame is a trauma, in and of itself--only worsening matters, all the more. I recommend "Trauma and Recovery", (by Judith Herman M.D.), or "Trauma: Neurobiology and Treatment", (for those with a more formal background in science).

My heart goes out to both you and your friend. He is beyond fortunate to have someone like you to support him and advocate for him in this time of need. I can only hope that you'll continue in your attempts to get through to him, that treatment for his symptoms is as crucial as for any other physical ailment, and just as "no-fault". Hopefully we can make progress one at a time, if nothing else.

Best wishes.

 

[shimmerz]

And it's the same condition which the entire world in the form of current consensus reality suffers from, so he shouldn't feel bad about it.

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant!

What do I do? How do I encourage or convince him to seek help? What can I do in order to help myself cope?

If I could reverse these questions @Andaliad. How often are you around this friend that you need to cope? @nursenurse asked the nature of the relationship. I think that is important here as there is what I refer to as secondary PTSD that caregivers or people close to those with PTSD can be affected by.

It sounds to me like he is in full out denial. I know lots of those. They have not a clue, and they won't until they are ready to know.

What you can do (although again this depends on the nature of the relationship, is to be there when the pieces come tumbling down. The body and mind can only take these symptoms for so long before it breaks down and the person affected is stopped dead in their tracks. At that point the sufferer may be more amenable to some form of support.

May I ask how old this person is approximately?

 

[Rizen]

How I've thought of my situation is: even though I can survive anything, and I can survive in a traumatic world, is that how I want to live? I know the feeling of having to be the strong one and hold everything together but that doesn't mean I have to be in those situations constantly. It's not a weakness to not want to be in constant battle even though I could survive it.

I have similar PTSD to people in the military but I haven't served in it. My PTSD is from other things.

 

[shimmerz]

@Rizen You are absolutely right. The idea is to get from survival mode to thriving. To me, survival is going from one beautiful disaster to another whereas thriving is living with the express intention of living a life that is fulfilling and allows us to feed our souls. Excellent point.