How Would You Tell Someone You Love?

[Healing Reins]

Hi! I hope everyone's week has been going well!

Anyway;

3 weeks ago I was raped. I've been trying to tell my youth group leader now for 3 weeks, but I just can't seem to tell her. I was wondering if any of you have any ideas on how to spill the beans

The reason why I am so hesitant to tell her is because she said she would report it. EVEN THOUGH she is not a mandatory reporter, she believes in Justice, and believes that because I am a woman, with rights, that an attack against me should be reported to not only keep me safe, but others around me safe.

I want to tell her because She thinks I just had a bad experience with sex. I don't know why it's so important for her to know what happened...it just is to me.

Are there any ways of saying "I believe I was raped" With out saying "I was raped." If you know please let me know what you come up with!

Please and thank you!
:)

Have a good day/night where ever you are located!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that you need to find a new person to tell. She has already told you that she will BLATANTLY disregard your privacy and make your story a matter of public record. She is NO supporter! It is your voice. It is your choice to speak out. Do not give away your voice to this person who has a VERY misguided sense of justice! She has NO idea that for many of us, justice isn't about chopping his nuts off. (HA!) Justice is about having a voice. And having a voice means that you speak out IF and WHEN you are ready, not when someone else says its time to speak out.

 

[Healing Reins]

I don't have any one else to tell. .. .

 

[Echo]

@Healing Reins - do you have a therapist?

 

[Healing Reins]

@Echo - yeah I do, but she is a mandatory reporter, and like my youth group leader she will report it.

 

[Healing Reins]

I literally have no one to tell. Everyone I want to tell is a mandatory reporter

 

[open eyes]

I'm not really sure what a youth group leader is but if they're someone you trust more than other adults in your life then that's a good person to go to. I had to go through a similar situation, only telling my parents 10 years after the abuse & 2 years after an assault. I'm glad that you're dealing with this now. It'll get easier faster the sooner you face it.

You could use terms like

*violated
*someone forced themself onto you
*sexually assaulted
*taken advantage of (although that one doesn't necessarily imply rape)

Depending on what kind of a person you are it may or may not be helpful to write down what you want to say ahead of time. You could write a letter & include all of your thoughts in feelings completely uncensored, then revise it down to what you want to say to your youth group leader. You could even bring the letter with you when you go to tell them if that helps.

Who do you live with? Are they someone that you would feel comfortable eventually telling? What makes you so hesitant about telling someone who will report?

 

[Echo]

I don't understand why your therapist can be a mandatory reporter if you are an adult. It should be your choice. I can see she might have been when you were under 18, but now you have choices. I think you should be able to say to either of them that you want to tell them something in confidence but that you want them to respect your choice not to go to the police. When they've agreed, only then tell them.

Otherwise, check on RAINN online. They will help you. That is what they are there for.

 

[LisawithPTSD]

Healing Reins,

I'm sorry you are going through this. You are going to have a lot of doubts, guilt and insecurity just because you are a victim. Its part of what happens. We blame ourselves. It is important for you to share this with someone that can help you. You may be able to do this anonymously through a helpline at first to get your 'see-legs' (intentionally misspelled).

It is tough to talk about. It's like 'coming out.' In hindsight to my own violation, wish I had said something, made a bigger stink, and turned my anger from myself onto the perpetrator. You may get to that too.

Though its easier said than done, if it were me, I would share it with both your therapist and youth leader--possibly together. Even if it is mandatory report. It is important to help you to heal, as much as it is to stopping your violator. Share with them your fears of the information coming out, how you need to trust them to help you through it first before reporting it, why you need them and how reporting will make you more stressed out at this point. Let them help you develop a plan to cope and move forward.

Forget everyone else and work on helping you, yourself. You'd be surprised how this can stream roll when you don't work on it. It really won't heal on its own so ignoring it will not help you. Please share this experience with someone you trust.

-Lisa

 

[zeckster81]

I am a youth minister. Please go to her and tell her. Tell her that you are scared and that you want to tell someone but you don't know anyone else you can trust. Tell her that you need control of this situation and that the control has been taken from you buy this man/woman who raped you. That you would appreciate it if she gave you the opportunity to report it when you are ready. That having that control taken from you was a trigger and her taking the control of allowing you to report it when you are ready will be a trigger again.

I support you reporting it, but when you are ready. I am a mandated reporter so please don't tell me your full name. In PA if you are a youth minister you are a mandated reporter.

I am here for you. You can trust me.

 

[Healing Reins]

It's frustrating because I trust her, but this would just make me lose all my trust I have in her. And all the respect I have for her.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Your therapist is not a mandated reporter if you are over the age of 18 AND you do not give identifying details. I have mentioned this in at least one other thread but I'm not sure if it's not sinking in? I'm not trying to be rude, rather it seems that you are not understanding the law and/or setting up your own road blocks.