How Can I Reduce Contact With My Mother? (and Get Away With It)

[ghotiff]

The history is in the thread “Family Neglect? – Would Appreciate Some Insights / Different Perspectives” but basically my mother was in denial while I was sexually abused outside the home.

Since opening pandoras box 9mths ago by starting therapy I’m really struggling being around my mother. It is so strong that at times I don’t want to be physically near anything that she has been near or involved in (which is really difficult).

We have a pattern of catching up in person a few times a week for about a decade now, and its hard to change this. I really want to have some space while I go thought this new therapy and I don’t want to see her (at all, but if it was just once a week maybe it would be okay). Every excuse I’ve tried has reduced the time spent in contact, but not really the number of times I am in contact with her. I don’t want to see her, I just don’t want to think about her (which means I need to not see her every 2-3 days)

I know that no-one can really help me. I know that she can be manipulative and controlling and that if I hold my personal boundary then there will be long-term consequences that I’m not yet ready to face. I know that I can’t bring up my therapy, etc.

I just want space from everyone. My friends have accepted this request. Even work accepted me taking leave (obviously work didn't know why).....But my mother hasn't because I can't be honest and actually tell her what is going on for me...and she is the one person who I particularly need space from right now.

I suppose I’m looking for someone to tell me that they understand. Even better, if someone has some tricks they can share. I have to see her soon and I just don’t want to. There are only so many times I can be ‘sick’ or ‘working’ or ‘helping a friend’ etc. I also don’t want to lie … (my previous excuses were based in truth).

I spend so many hours dreading seeing her….how do other people manage these feelings? I don't hate her, and she didn't mean to be in denial, but this doesn't change my current need for space.

 

[Promicarus]

ditto..ditto and ditto I have a very similar problem.


I have to wonder what the "long-term consequences" are you referred to. In other words, if you're financially dependent upon her right now and/or in the forseeable future...then it's completely reasonable to be reluctant to put your foot down and be honest with her...especially if as you say, she's manipulative and controlling. As I metioned, I know exactly what you're referring to there. Such people can and often do make things as miserable as possible for those who balk at their efforts at control.

But I do know that for far too long I worried about how my own mother would do so, and for the same reasons...I thought I'd be "Unable to face them" (the long-term consequences).

But that's the funny thing, I now realize in retrospect-the long-term consequences of not making myself clear regarding needing to have little to no contact with her sooner...are MUCH WORSE.

In other words, there are long-term consequences to everything...and by choosing not to decide, you still have made a choice (as the song goes)...and you're going to be living with that choice, too, long term.

I'd never presume to make suggestions regarding other's relationships with family members, and of course I know neither her nor you. But I'd do some serious examining...of exactly what the nature of the long-term consequences are. And if they don't have to do with not being able to support yourself and ending up on the street as a result...I think you should take a look at the fear of rejection/condemnation/loss of her as a figure in your life. Because continuing to have someone like that in your life can be completing suffocating and defeating in the long term. And the problem is that not only is it something you're accustomed to, making it something you might not really notice...but that it's surreptitious...like dripping water that wears away even a stone, over time.

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks for all your comments @Promicarus . I will need some time to fully digest your thoughts.

I have to wonder what the "long-term consequences" are you referred to

I'm 40ish so I'm not financially dependent on my parents and this is me, only now dealing with problems from ... a long, long time ago.

I'm not even sure what the consequences will be but it will be more than just losing my mother from my life. My sibling said things to my mother over a decade ago, they were 'removed' from the family (the 'removal' was significant, but I'm not comfortable discussing details). At the time I was convinced (manipulated?) that they were 'evil' and in the 'wrong' but now I'm not so sure.

I don't want to lose my mother (or the rest of my family) just because I'm going though a particularly difficult patch. I would hate to have regrets about that. I also have children, and I don't want them to lose their extended family.

 

[Mayday]

I can relate and I went through a similar thing about a year ago, when I had started therapy and really needed space from both my parents. I discussed this with my therapist and she helped me over a number of sessions to work out what boundaries I wanted to set, and how to communicate this to them.

I ended up deciding that I was fine with seeing them at family events, where my siblings and their children would also be, like birthdays or Christmas or whatever. However I didn't want to spend time with my parents alone, or have them trying to contact me all the time. I didn't want to go into the details of why I needed space, as I wasn't really sure myself, I just knew that I didn't want to be around them.

I sent them an email. Worked out most of the wording with my therapist first. She assured me that I wasn't saying anything mean, and that I was being respectful and considerate of their feelings while also being clear about my boundaries. It was really hard, but it has helped a lot to have that space from them. I think the reason I used was that I was dealing with some things in therapy and I needed space.

It's been about a year now. They are starting to push the boundaries again, but in the meantime it has been great for me that I was able to stand up for what I wanted instead of putting their feelings ahead of mine. I hope this helps.

Perhaps you could say something similar to your mum. Discuss it with your therapist first. Could mention that you are wanting some space, but also that extended family is really important to your children etc...if you like I can message you what I wrote to my parents. They actually took it fairly well initially, although their response was typically "oh this is so hard for us, woe is us" but it worked out fine (if a bit awkward) for quite awhile.

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks @Mayday

I didn't want to spend time with my parents alone

This really struck me as significant for me, as very close to what I'm needing. It also is a boundary that I feel I could work with (maybe not communicate, but a personal silent boundary, at least for now).

This is something that I plan to discuss with my T, but this week will be only my second appointment and an hour goes so quickly that I'm not sure how much progress I could make with her if I go in unprepared.

If you would be comfortable sharing some of your wording you used with your parents with me I would greatly appreciate it. I won't be able to email my mother, but maybe I could use the language in a conversation one day.

 

[Mayday]

It also is a boundary that I feel I could work with (maybe not communicate, but a personal silent boundary, at least for now).

That's a really good way to start.

It was strange how it happened for me. All my adult life, I've just pretended and been someone else around my family. But then my paternal grandmother died. She was a right old cow. For some reason, that set me off and I just didn't want to be around my family anymore.

Edit: Have sent you the text of what I sent my parents in a conversation. Didn't want to share it word for word here.

 

[JarHed]

If you're not living with your mother then it's up to you to decide how much contact you want. We all didn't grow up in 'wonderful' and 'supportive' households. Some parents are just............not good parents, I'll leave it at that.

If it causes you problems with the current contact level, start to change that. Don't just cut it off as that may seems strange to her. Lengthen the time between contact, phone or otherwise till it's at the place that's best for you. It's about control; either you have it or she does. You do get to decide which you want.

JarHed

 

[ghotiff]

I've just pretended and been someone else around my family

I've pretended and been someone else around everyone my whole life. Not a completely different person, but an edited, more socially acceptable version of myself. (my new T suggested to me the word 'edited' and I like it very much).

We all didn't grow up in 'wonderful' and 'supportive' households. Some parents are just............not good parents

I think this is partly where I struggle. My parents were not bad parents, and there were a lot of good things....but they didn't see the depth of my abuse by others, they didn't (and don't) know about the details and I believe they thought something quite mild and different happened. While I can be disappointed (and sometimes may even be upset) about this and my problems as a result, I don't feel that I should punish them for this oversight. I certainly don't want to start a family feud at this late stage of their life. Its in the past now, there is nothing they can do to change what happened. But I do want to work on me, and I do need some space for that.

 

[FindingMyself88]

I completely understand where you are at. The summer of 2012 my mom started trying to talk me out of going to college (although she would tell everyone else she was happy for me). I had caved and not taken a FULL ride scholarship out of high school :banghead:. But this time I refused to cave, plus I had people telling me if I tried they would drag me up to college lol. Anyways she started pulling her "Why don't you love me anymore, etc…" Long story short, she threatened suicide and I just couldn't take it anymore. Thankfully some of my family knew how she really was because they had been scorned by her too. So I didn't have to worry about being removed from the family. I was moved to Georgia with my cousin until it was time to start college.

Fast forward to April 2013. I had been in therapy for a year at this point and starting to sort through some of my traumas. My mom would call me EVERY day and sometimes more than once. I felt the same way as you, talking to her was just making me feel worse instead of better. It took several weeks in therapy and a TON of support from my best friend(roommate) and my pastor's wife, but I eventually wrote my mom a long email telling her that our relationship was unhealthy and that I needed space, etc. I allowed her one phone call a month and she had to remain positive during the call. I allowed no other form of contact. This lasted for about 3 months until my aunt died and I had to come home for funeral and then fell and hit my head, causing some pretty bad head trauma. Then my mom had to come stay with me for 2 months.

My point is, you have to get to a place where you accept that your needs are more important than her wants. As for the family, maybe you could talk to some a head of time? You could be surprised, some may know deep down how your mom is and just keep silent. That was my case with a lot of them. However, only you know your family and use caution if you feel it will backfire (that they would tell your mom). I can share with you some of my email if you would like, just let me know!

:hug: you are in my thoughts, no one knows how hard it can be unless they have a mom like ours (and the others who have posted) what it is truly like. Something else to think about: my T said that it was emotionally abusive for my mom to manipulate me and try to control me like she did. That was an eye opener.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Can you say that you're not going to be able to meet up with her as much because you're struggling with time and managing to fit everything in - in part to do with lots of appointments but also just you're struggling. Say that she means a lot to you so you will still meet her every week but you can't manage multiple times a week and maybe instead say you will message/phone her in the week to catch up and to arrange when you will meet up next but you simply cannot make it as frequently as you are now.

It's honest but skirts round the possible offensive truths of the matter. By making it sound like you will still take time out of your schedule to message/phone and meet her once a week, it sounds like you're doing her a favour. Also it places the blame on neither you nor her (-ish).

In what ways would she be manipulative to you if you said this? (Every person seems to have their own brand of manipulative, on top of that it can be difficult to work out what's me being paranoid and what's real and how to counter that when I need to. My suggestion may work for some but is a terrible path for others, I don't know anything about your mother so I'm starting here - with the obvious of just telling her things have to change).

 

[arfie]

I left my mother 44 years ago when I was teenager and I am not completely sure she has noticed yet, so I can't speak from that angle, but I am as honest as possible with my loved ones. Sometimes my truth is a generic, "I am sick and need recovery time. Please leave it at that." Sometimes it is as specific as sharing what is going on in my therapy program. More often it is somewhere between the two. I trust my instincts to guide me. Personally, I don't like to invest the energy it takes to keep up with excuses. I'm confused enough already.

Supportive hopes while you sort through yours, ghotiff.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't understand the concept of "she didn't mean to be in denial." Uhm, normal parents want to claw the eyes out of anyone or anything that hurts their offspring. Nature kinda says so. I think that this may be minimization on your part.