I Don't Know What To Do With Myself??

[Littlemissbrit]

Following my thread last week on when should you call it day with work....I have taken yesterday and today off....having also had a long weekend - that is 5 days in total.....and I HATE IT!

I actually HATE not working....I am bored, I feel useless, I feel guilty....I just want to be back at work....

But in the morning when it is work time, I am anxious through the roof, I feel sick, I haven't slept so I am tired, my body is exhausted I have spent those last 5 days in bed "resting"....I can't sleep...and basically being bored out of my brains.....

My counsellor says I need to take a sustained amount of time off work....but I am bored after 5 days...can you imagine what I would be like after 5 weeks?!

Plus I actually feel a bit better now....which makes me want to go back again....but when I go back I know I will get so much dumped on me that I can't take it....its like I can't win....

Part time sounds like the best option for me, so I can do a couple of days at work then rest, so I feel better then do a couple more days.... but I can't afford it. All I can afford is full time or full time off sick.

How do people not get bored during long term sick?? and lonely I feel lonely already just not seeing people for 2 days....

If you go out don't you feel guilty that you are "off sick" and you should be at home resting?

Any advise would be appreciated

 

[ghotiff]

I don't think 5 days is long enough to judge boredom. It's too short a period to find a new routine and things/people that interest you.

 

[Echo]

My therapist tells me to do very lovely things to counter the awfulness. Listening to lovely music, look at beautiful things, going for walks in beautiful places, spending time with gentle friends, etc. and to do everything, as far as possible, mindfully. Our whole systems are completely wound up and that is why, perhaps, you are screaming for stimulation. It is a sort of addiction, I believe, because I have also used work as a means to stuff all the nightmare down. And then it doesn't work any more. You might well have needed to catch up on sleep, but you will need also to counteract all this anxiety and start to learn (as I am also just starting to learn) to find ways of calming your base level down. My therapist says it is going to have to become a way of life.

And please don't feel guilty if you need to go out and be with other people - surely that is normal for many of us (me included). I know at times some of us need to withdraw and be hermits for a while, for good reason, but staying connected to life must also be in the mix. I also live alone and this PTSD is so isolating. I find it helpful to see various practitioners for alternative therapies - I see a reflexologist, for instance. You might prefer something like a holistic massage or shiatsu. When I am a bit better I want to start T'ai Chi or Chi Gong. I can do some of these things at home now, but obviously being in a group where peacefulness is at a premium will be really good.

These things may not appeal. You might prefer to take up something soothing like pottery or photography or you name it, you'll know what appeals to you. Whatever it is it will need to soothe your soul, and there is nothing wrong with going out into the world to do any of those things. I hope you find something that suits you.

 

[ghotiff]

If you go out don't you feel guilty that you are "off sick" and you should be at home resting?

I agree with @Echo. This time is for you to work on your healing. If working on your healing means dancing in the street from dawn until dusk, then go and dance in the street. Feeling guilty and locking yourself inside your house and forcing yourself to 'rest' will not help your healing.

 

[Hashi]

Huge adjustment needed, I think. From "I'm not at work/lack of work" to "what is this time for?". In my case it was for healing - journalling, doing trauma/healing art, learning coping and other skills, doing guided relaxation, doing things to take care of myself like preparing healthy food, yoga, exercising and other things that help me like gardening (I don't have a garden, but I offered to take care of two neighbours' gardens).

If you're used to finding a lot of self worth through work, then it's going to be a big change. Maybe you actually need to find things outside work that contribute to your identity and feeling OK with yourself? In the end, work is only part of your life. Isn't it?

 

[Wyakin]

I can't really speak about PTSD and work as I am currently burying myself in work to limit my time alone with little distractions and help me to push what is happening away.

However, I have been off for 4 months in the past when I injured my knee. At first I hated it, really really hated it. I am not one to sit at home and I felt bone idle even though I wasn't actually physically capable of doing anything. Slowly though I came to terms with it and found new ways to fill my day.

By the end of the four months when my doctor finally told me I could go back to work I had to ask for another week off just to get my head round it! Even then I did a staggered return at just a few hours a day to begin with.

It is amazing how we adjust, although as I said I am a but of a hypocrite because although my doctor has told me I may be better off not working I have told her I want to work (need being a better word).

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think you need to develop a hobby. Or 10. It sounds like your world revolves around work and only work, and that's not healthy. You'll need to retire at some point, so take this opportunity to round out your life.

 

[Littlemissbrit]

Thank you all for your advice I think you all have valid points.....my life has/does revolve around my work....I guess that is just what happens when you are single and you work 70 hour weeks in the public sector.....you are completely right @Echo I am always screaming for stimulation, I can't sit still and just relax.....I find it terrible uncomfortable. I have started meditation on the advice of my counsellor and just sitting for ten minutes twice a day is challenging for me! Work has always been my coping mechanism.....my way of forgetting what is going on. But now thats not possible, work is the trigger.

I think my guilt about doing stuff when "off sick" comes from my childhood and my mum wouldn't let us go to our clubs if we were off sick...and that mentality has kind of stuck. I can hear her saying "if you are too sick for school then you are too sick to go out". My therapist says this is rubbish and doesn't apply, and actually I spoke to my mum about it, and she even said it doesn't apply....which eased the guilt, even now as a 30 year old!

I know work is only a part of life, but I guess as a teacher it is very easy for it to take over, as we bring a lot of work home in the evenings, weekends and holidays....so the two merge. But you are completely right @Hashi I do need to find myself, and what I like and develop hobbies (or 10 :) like @Solara suggests....maybe this is going to be the good that comes from all this bad....

 

[Anrish]

I can totally understand you.

I also need my work like air to breathe. When I don't work and I don't do something, I don't feel worthy of anything.

I also have problems when I'm sick and the doctor says that I shall stay home. I'm restless, start to tidy up and clean my flat, learn for my studies, sort out my documents...etc.

And I feel guilty because I'm not productive...I don't do anything useful - and without use, I'm not worth anything..

That's why I also have a problem to take my holidays. In Germany in my job, I have 30 days for holidays...and I don't have the money to travel so long, so I would have to stay home...alone...and going crazy.

With my work...I also have always the feeling that everything is too much but when I can't go there...I don't know what to do with myself. I'm not able to sit on my couch and just read a book...only for some minutes, then I jump up again and try to find something to do.

I tried a little trick. I have to be aware that there must be a time to rest...and so I do something like cleaning or stuff for half an hour, than reading 20 pages in a book...and then again cleaning...just forgetting about some work left, is something I can't do...but I'll try to find some kind of balance.

Maybe you can find it also...I really wish it for you.