Trauma Diary

[Healing Reins]

Dear Trauma Diary,

I give up. I can't keep fighting Allison. Either she is right, and she should report it, or I am right and she shouldn't report it. Either way I'm still stuck here wanting to tell her. I think I'm just going to tell her. If she really wants to report it, then she can report it. I want her to know what happened, and if that means she reports it, then she reports it, and I'm okay with that. I just don't care anymore about what happens. I give up. I don't want to give up, but I think it's for the best for all of us. She should know what happened. Maybe then she will support me. She probably wont support me, she probably will just stare and not know what to say. Or get mad at me because I had a lot to drink. But all of that is okay with me, because it doesn't matter anymore. I really don't care what she does or thinks about it anymore. I hope I get support from her, but I don't think that will happen, and if I do get support, I will be pleasantly surprised.

Bye
-Healing Reins

 

[Healing Reins]

Today...today....today..is a lovely day. I'm struggling with feeling like I have anything. I don't have a job, and I don't have my license, I feel like a failure at 18. I should have tried to get my license sooner. I don't know how I'll get it now. I take my test on June 12 at 10am. Traffic won't be heavy, but I'm scared my heart will be heavy.
I need a job. I applied for a lifeguard position, that raises my hopes a little, but not too much.

My parents want to send me to treatment for throwing up my food after I eat. I've already been to treatment for bulimia. I don't need to go again, but apparently they thinkI need it. I'm scared I'll get fat. I already feel fat, I don't want to feel more fat...

 

[StarChild]

Dear @Healing Reins, I remember the photograph when you joined the forum. I really remember it well. So you maybe feel fat, but in fact you're almost a bit lean. So what you feel, and what you're actually are is obviously not the same. So I'm a bit daring and tell you, that feelings are not facts. Read what you wrote above:

I already feel fat, I don't want to feel more fat..

Again, feelings are not facts. And if you effectively feel fat for no obvious reason, you owe it to yourself to go to a good therapy to work not only on the symptoms but also on the causes! Or you're on the path of self-destruction. And at the end of that path there's only one awaiting for you. It's Mr. Death himself...

 

[Healing Reins]

I'm not fat. I have a swimmers body because I intact am a competitive swimmer. So I feel fat. I don't know why I feel fat. Maybe it's because I put on 15 lbs after starting abilify. I'm now off of it, so I'm trying to lose the weight.

 

[Healing Reins]

I have come to the conclusion that I am scared about graduation. I'm scared because someone might shoot up during graduation and I don't want that. Someone shooting up. I don't want it. At my school there has already been one shooting. Zack killing himself. I'm scared that someone will think it's okay to shoot us during graduation. I'm scared of guns. I'm scared of guns. I'm scared of guns. My T thinks that zack killing himself in class brought up my trauma from when I was six. I was shot when I was six in a drive by shooting in indonesia. Always weird to say it. So weird to write that. My father almost died. He lived, thankfully, but it was scary. Real scary.

So I'm scared of guns. I'm scared of guns. I'm scared of guns. I feel like the more I write it the better I feel. It's acknowledging the fear. that's what I'm doing. I'm scared something might happen, but I'm also scared something might not happen and I will feel stupid. I hope nothing happens and I just feel stupid. I hope nothing happens at all. I'm just a scared person. In kindergarten I was called a scardycat. That name serves true.

 

[Justmehere]

Do you think you need eating disorder treatment but maybe not inpatient but outpatient treatment? What does your therapist think? Have you talked with her about how you are throwing up food and scared of being fat?

You have been through a lot! It makes so much sense why you feel scared. :hug:

 

[Healing Reins]

@Justmehere She knows about it, but we don't talk about it. It's not important to me to stop. I've told her that before. So we don't talk about it. But now I want to stop. I think I'm ready to start digesting my food. I need to stop so I don't have to go to treatment.

 

[Healing Reins]

I need to stop so I don't die. But I don't know how I'm in a loop.
I eat
I feel fat
I throw up
I get hungry
So...
I eat
I feel fat
I throw up
I get hungry
So...

It's just a loop with me. Life is a loop. The loop needs to stop. It needs to become
I eat
I digest my food
I enjoy life
I get hungry (not bored)
so I eat a small meal

That's what I need to do to be healthy.
to be healthy. Those 3 words mean so much to me.

 

[Healing Reins]

My youth group leader (mentor) I think she is like a mentor to me, she thinks as herself as a mentor, so therefore she is my mentor. My mentor (So weird, yet so nice) Wants to talk about what happened 4 weeks ago. I think it was either 5 or 4 weeks. Either way, she wants to talk about what happened. She wants to know what happened and she said she won't report it. She already kind of knows what happened. I think now she just wants to make sure that I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. But I'm not really okay. Because I think I know what happened. I got a text last night from a guy saying " How did you like the sex that night at the party."(I'm not going to spell it like he did because I don't want to get a spelling notification) I corrected him on his spelling and then told him he had the wrong number and he was genuinely sorry about that. but I don't think he had the wrong number. I blocked his number and I will never talk to this mystery man again. I know he is in college because he spelled you like u. and it was an all college party.

I've got to keep this light and fluffy. Light and Fluffy

I don't know what to do at this point. Maybe he did have the wrong number because there were a ton of people that had sex at the party. It was more of an orgie then a party to be honest. But part of me still wonders. I know he isn't out to get me but why have sex with someone while they are unconscious. I know enough about sex to know the vagina contracts when having sex, when a woman is unconscious does their vagina still contract? *Not one of my main worries* But if the vagina isn't contracting with each thrust how is the sex supposed to feel good for the man? Can someone explain that one to me. Because I don't get it. I don't get why someone would choose to have sex with someone unconscious.

I will however continue to think that this guy had the wrong number, because I don't want to think I was raped. It's hurting me to think I was raped. Hurting me a lot. And maybe he did have the wrong number I don't want to make him out to be a rapist if he really did have the wrong number. I think it's best to keep not knowing.

All of this is starting to make me question whether or not I like girls or not. I feel like I could be gay, but I'm probably not. I'm probably just not turned onto guys right now. It makes sense. sort of.

 

[Healing Reins]

I talked about it with A. (my mentor) and she thinks that yes it could have been rape, but at the same time I do not know what happened so I shouldn't make assumptions. She agrees with me- it's best not knowing. I should have just been honest with her in the beginning of all of this. My load is so much lighter now and I feel so much better now.. it's a nice feeling to have.

I should go work out, but it's too late to go work out. by the time i would get there the gym would be closed.

 

[Healing Reins]

I constantly feel like my advice isn't good enough for people on here. I feel like I have good ideas for advice but they still aren't good enough. Does anyone else feel like this ever?

 

[StarChild]

the vagina contracts when having sex

...Actually, the vagina isn't contracting during intercourse. It only contracts when having an orgasm. And most of men don't feel a female's orgasm (the contracting of her vagina) on their penis. It takes experience and sensitiveness for them to learn to feel it.

But if the vagina isn't contracting with each thrust how is the sex supposed to feel good for the man?

The vagina is tight and quite warm (inner body temperature 37° Celsius respectively 98.6° Fahrenheit). The fun-part comes with the friction by thrusting. The glans of the penis is very sensitive to the mentioned circumstances.

when a woman is unconscious does their vagina still contract?

No, it doesn't contract while unconscious. Body and brain response to a stimulus, which they can't while being
switched-off.

how is the sex supposed to feel good for the man?

A) Because of the already mentioned circumstances and B) Because you're unconscious, your vagina isn't wet but dry. And this increases the frictional resistance while penetrating your vagina and moving in it. And unfortunately there's a C) To take someone who's unconscious is a real big coward, egoistic, selfish act. So that pig doesn't have to deal with consequences, or responsibilities, or with a simple NO. If he's successful, I bet, this bad lot will hide and will do it again and again to other women.