Hello ghotiff,
You are not alone with doubts. I struggled with my doubts for years. I still do sometimes. I'm not worried my T would think I'm lying. I would rather tend to accuse him of wrongly believing me... when I start believing I invented everything. So I don't know what to say about that. Maybe this is a projection of your own doubts. But I don't know. This is more a comment on one's own doubt.
The "If it didn't happen, I need help" does not do much good for me either. I think this type of reasonning just gives undue power to the part of me who wants to convince me I made it up.
I know it did happen. Even if I don't have any other proofs than my own memory, I just know it did. The opposite does not make sense when I seriously look at the global picture : all the partial memories of abuse I've always had but refused to look at, all that terror and disgust for my father.
The thing is, when I start doubting, I forget the big picture and I switch to a reasoning which seems perfectly logical and objective but actually isn't. At all. Of course, I will call myself crazy for all the memories that have come back as an adult. But I will also find impossible explanation for every bit or regular partial memory. Quite suddenly, I get convinced that I made everything up, which makes me a terrible person (I did accuse my father, he's currently being prosecuted for the rapes he committed years ago).
There is a part of me who wants to convince all of me nothing ever happened. I've come to see it as an "inner persecutor". It's a part of me, I don't deny it. But it's only a part, and I don't even feel it like a part of my anthentic personnality. In the end, it's just a voice who calls me crazy, judges me and drives me crazy with its false logic.
It operates exactly like that part of me who use to say I was guily of that other sexual abuse I've never doubted about. I can get sort of "possessed" by it (I'm not saying this in a religious or mystical way, just psychological). It's like it wants to take over me. I can not just decide to eradicate it. All I can do is refusing to grant it too much power.
Last time I got flooded with these doubts, I tried something new. I paused and told myself : "Deep down, I know it happened. I don't feel that truth right now, instead I'm having these terrible doubts. It's OK, I don't have to reach a defintive answer right now. For now, I'm just going to relax, stop obsessing on this and see what happens".
I entered a calm and meditative state. And the first thing that came was a very clear memory of early abuse with my father. Not a flashback, a regular memory. Something that had always been there and had just stayed in the dark so far.
Later on, I reflected on what was going on in me prior to this "assault of doubts". I had been very sad for days. And just a few hours earlier, I had felt deeply sorry for what was done to me as a child. It was a brief feeling of self compassion, and it was the first time I had felt that so clearly.
In other words, I had just had an emotionnal epiphany. And apparently, my "inner persecutor" didn't like this at all...it felt the need to strike back.
I don't know if you can relate to any of this. Anyway, I hope you'll soon find your way to deal with this.
