Can't Commit To A Relationship (but Its So Much More)

[Deleted member 1860]

This is a hard thread for me to write, as I'm afraid of the judgment, but I need feedback and/or advice or just someone to say "yeah, I'm there" or "yeah, I've been there".

I've never actually been in a committed relationship as an adult. (I don't really count the high school stuff as being serious because it really wasn't.) That was so hard for me to say... I tend to get into these situations where I can be extremely emotionally involved with someone, but can't do the physical side of things, or just the opposite, its just a physical relationship with no emotional connection.

I am literally TERRIFIED of being in an actual committed relationship with someone. I fear the feeling of being smothered. I love my independence and being able to do what I want without having to constantly check in with someone. I guess by "constantly" I mean regularly. I'm not "allowed" to just disappear and have my alone time because that's not what you do in a committed relationship. But, if I keep things uncommitted, then yeah, I am pretty much free to do what I want and I don't have that pressure of regular contact.

Even now I am doing the "emotional on one side, physical on the other side" sort of thing. (Ok, here's where the "don't judge" thing comes in!) There's one guy who just wants a physical relationship with me. Of course when he first told me this I freaked out and said heck no, I want more than that, blah, blah, blah, go away! But now I'm thinking "well, the last situation I had like that wasn't so bad, maybe I'll do it." And then there is another guy who really likes me, wants to go out with me, etc. but I quickly friend-zoned him and told him I wouldn't date him right now but that it was a possibility in the future so we could just get to know each other right now. (Dating is not an option because he's dealing with stuff that I don't want to be involved with so its not just a matter of me not wanting to be in a relationship.) ARGH. Why do I do this?

Ok, I know why I do this, but I still want to change. (Or at least I think I do...) In my mind, sex is not about love, it is just about fun (or if you're a sick b@stard its about power). That's why I can have sex on one side, emotions on the other. If sex & emotions were to come together in the same relationship, it would be like worlds colliding and I just couldn't handle it. Its one of those things that is just too much for me to wrap my head around, so I make sure that it doesn't happen. I feel like I would be betraying my inner child, the one who was molested, if sex and love could co-exist. God, she would never forgive me, and I'm afraid she would go so deep into hiding that all would be lost. UGH.

I don't want to be like this.

I have a family member who was traumatized & has PTSD as well. She doesn't really commit to anyone and has more casual relationships without any sort of real commitment. I used to think that it was so awesome that she could go wherever she wanted and do whatever she wanted without being tied down, but now I see why she's like this and it scares me that I am the same. She told me point blank a few years ago "there is no trusting anyone". It made me quite sad to hear her say that. (If anyone who was in chat the other night is reading this, yeah, the same relative I spoke about then.)

I want to change, I just don't know how to get from here to there. Thanks for reading, much appreciated.

 

[Lionheart]

If sex & emotions were to come together in the same relationship, it would be like worlds colliding and I just couldn't handle it.

I think sex can be fun but I also think you are missing out on one of the greatest experiences one can have and that is when the heart, mind, and body are all experiencing physical, emotional and romantic love at the same time.

I wonder if you are in therapy to help you with a committed relationship? Or perhaps couples therapy may be an option for you. I don't know I am just throwing that out there in hopes it will be helpful.

I am probably not the best person to speak about relationships as it seem I have forgotten how to begin one. I have isolated myself for the past 16 years and have not been in a serious relationship since my last one ended in 1998.

Anyway Solara, I wish you the very best with this and I don't think you are a bad or weird person because of the experiences you are having....as a matter of fact for people like us I think that is fairly normal.

Peace,
Lionheart777

 

[Fadeaway]

No judgement here! And I can relate!

After my horrible relationship with my ex, I was content to be relationship free for seven years. I didn't want one. Yes, I wanted sex, but I was terrified of relationships. I liked being by myself, and the freedom that came with it. No one that had to be held accountable to for where I went, where I spent my money, or if I didn't even bother to get out of bed or shower that day or even week. Plus, I did not believe in love. Period. I was as bitter and jaded as you can get when it comes to relationships.

I had what I called my impossible list. It was so full of requirements that a guy would need to have for me to be in a relationship, I was sure no one would ever be able to meet it. It was definitely a self defense mechanism. There was normal things on there like not having a temper, but I had some weird things on there too like must be fluent in at least 3 languages.

Well, long story short, I became friends with this guy online. Since it was on-line I got stupid and let my guard down. I mean you can't fall in love with someone you have never met in person right? Oops! I freaked out hard when I realized not only did I have feelings for him, he fit my impossible list perfectly. (I even put him to the test on the language thing which to my dismay he passed with flying colors.) As scary as it was, I entered a relationship with him because he changed that part of me. It was who he was as a person that changed me. I can't stress that enough.

I often tell him I am angry at him for bursting my spiky bubble. He tells me, he didn't burst my spiky bubble, it is still there and intact, doing it's job to keep people out, he just snuck inside to share it with me.

So, my point is, there is nothing wrong with how you feel, but there is hope. Don't bother trying to change, because there is always the chance of a very rare person changing how you view relationships because of who they are. You'll know when and if you find that person, because the very essence of who that person is, will make things like the fear of combining sex and emotions obsolete. You can't force something like that, it has to come naturally.

 

[desiderata310]

Nope. No worries. I can't stand the idea of even dating.
I used to equate love and sex as being you had to have one to have the other. Not anymore. I have found that I can't actually make a connection with anyone like that any more. It's more than I am afraid to do it, I don't FEEL anything towards that person. I actually don't enjoy sex anymore. It's all just empty.

 

[Stuck20]

I used to think that I never wanted to be smothered in a relationship. I wanted to be independent. I liked the idea of a relationship but had too many conditions on it. I used drunk hook ups as a way to get close to someone but then have a way out because "I was drunk." Then I met my wife. She is a magnificent woman who broke through my barriers and I did a 180. If anything, I spend too much time with her. I laugh because it's the exact opposite of what I thought that I wanted. I think if you find the right person, you will find that you won't see having less independence as a sacrifice. It will be a pleasure to spend time with a special someone. I never felt this way about anyone else. I still have some issues with intimacy after 9 years of being together but being with my wife makes me want to heal even more. I don't think there is anything to do but be open to the idea of a relationship without putting conditions on it. Don't force yourself into something that you are uncomfortable with. Hey, the right person might be someone you feel comfortable talking about why you are afraid to bring sex and love together. You may find that they are patient and understanding. That kind of support might be part of the healing therapy that you need.

 

[silkleaves]

I waver between wanting to be in a relationship but terrified of it happening, and resigning myself to it that I'm going to be single forever. It drives me nuts when people say "there's someone for everyone" no, that's not true at all. There are so many people in this world who never marry and live out their lives by themselves. My grandmother was raised by her two aunts who never married, they lived together until they both died. Even two of my big sisters are in their 50's, no relationships, not married, and it doesn't look like they ever will. And that's just in my family...this isnt odd or unusual, a lot of people don't find someone who they can connect with and spend their life with.

And yeah, sorry to go off, but it really makes me angry everytime someone tells me, you're still single?! Oh you'll find someone, someone for everyone. Blah. No, maybe I'm just not one of those people, lay off of me.

But then, like I said, I still have my moments when I want it...and just like many of you mentioned, my freedom, my personal space, these are things that I just have a hard time with the idea of giving up to be with someone. Even in my past relationships, they have always been with guys who traveled all the time for work, so I've never actually been in a conventional relationship where you spend all sorts of time together. I was reading the "You Know You Have PTSD when..." thread, and one of them that was funny because it was so true is... "when the person youre in a relationship with lives in a different state and that isn't long distance enough for you" My ex that I lived with for 5 years, actually lived in a different country! We only spent a week at a time together, and even then I was relieved to see him go.

Anyway...maybe there is someone out there, who will not make me feel quite so much like this, and maybe not. But I guess..as long as its still an issue to me, that I do still want it even though I'm scared of it, then that means I'm not totally at peace with the idea of being single forever...so I at least try to keep an open mind.

 

[xena21]

I am disgusted by the topic but intrigued. I can't even think of a couple together without wanting to vomit. The funny thing is I always wanted to be close to someone. I am just so grossed out by the physical aspect and closeness to others that I can't relate.

I hate the body, and every part of it. To think of someone else coming close to my body is absolutely horrifying. I can't even imagine. It sends me into panic thinking, so I'll just stop here. I was intrigued...

 

[Dee Morris]

You know where I am on this. I really feel like I want to settle down again but every time I start to have feelings for someone, I push them away. So I tend to limit the scope of my relationships to friends with benefits. I notice that I tend to choose "friends" that lack qualities that I find mandatory in a relationship or are emotionally unavailable. Since my divorce there has been only one person that I felt safe enough to let my guard down with and as soon as I realized I was falling in love I have what I call crazy time. I already told you that story so I won't repeat it but it drives me crazy that I can't tell if he keeps coming back because he loves me or because this is just a game to him and he's messing with my head.

 

[jmni]

I have a family member who was traumatized & has PTSD as well. She doesn't really commit to anyone and has more casual relationships without any sort of real commitment. I used to think that it was so awesome that she could go wherever she wanted and do whatever she wanted without being tied down, but now I see why she's like this and it scares me that I am the same. She told me point blank a few years ago "there is no trusting anyone". It made me quite sad to hear her say that. (If anyone who was in chat the other night is reading this, yeah, the same relative I spoke about then.)

I know what you mean. I knew someone similar to this and she is alone. Now I am alone and I wish I had heeded her example. (I was very nonjudgmental in a previous life.)

Ok, I know why I do this, but I still want to change. (Or at least I think I do...) In my mind, sex is not about love, it is just about fun (or if you're a sick b@stard its about power). That's why I can have sex on one side, emotions on the other. If sex & emotions were to come together in the same relationship, it would be like worlds colliding and I just couldn't handle it. Its one of those things that is just too much for me to wrap my head around, so I make sure that it doesn't happen. I feel like I would be betraying my inner child, the one who was molested, if sex and love could co-exist. God, she would never forgive me, and I'm afraid she would go so deep into hiding that all would be lost. UGH.

But it sounds as though she would forgive you because that is you. An inner child is just an idea that describes your subconscious and past self. This is all about what you really want, not what an idea wants. You may not like hearing this but it sounds a bit like you are making an excuse to not commit; I have no idea for what reason because its your life to do with as you please. Maybe you are just scared of being deeply hurt again. It seems more likely that the inner child you refer to would resent you if you were scarred by betrayal or disappointment. In reality it seems like you are punishing yourself for what others have done to you, and that you will continue to punish yourself. You sound afraid and I think it is of it all blowing up in your face. So you could have a sexual relationship without consequences, or you could take a risk and have a real loving relationship which might fail. But it could also succeed, and you could grow as a person and overcome this fear that you have.

 

[NewDayTomorrow]

You said "I tend to get into these situations where [1] I can be extremely emotionally involved with someone, but can't do the physical side of things, or just the opposite, [2] its just a physical relationship with no emotional connection."

I'm there at #1, and my friend is there at #2. Other people probably helped more but as requested, yes my friend and I are both there with you.

 

[Go Hungry]

Well I'm certainly not going to judge you. Truth is sex and love have been separate from me for years.. Like, all the years. I think the last time I let myself have any emotions during sex, like... really really felt something was.. 1996? Something like that. I just couldn't open myself up to being hurt again. I'm ashamed to say it, but even with my ex-wife I only opened up once or twice in 14 years... So no, it's not just you. I'm in the same boat, I want sex, but don't want all the things that would come with a proper relationship. At the same time, I'm afraid that if I got close with a lady on the friendly/emotional side, that sex would ruin it all.

So I'm stuck... So far I've just been trying to make friends on OKC to talk with and leave it at that. Well that's not exactly true.. So far I've been looking into open relationships on there and trying to make friends. It takes the edge off, the idea that maybe I could meet a nice couple and hook up, but still be free enough to run if things got weird. Yikes! I can't believe I said that.. Now I'm scared about being judged!! :nailbiting:

 

[desiderata310]

UGH. run away from OKC. the people on there are no good for the like of us. They are scary!! I had an account for a while but seriously, creepy creepy people are on there. We don't need more of that in our lives.

Yeah, I've tried the online dating scene but the problem was everyone was looking for "love" or they were looking to satisfy their ... kinks. Not sure which was worse.

Also, @Go Hungry not judging you in the least.