How Do You Stop Wanting Things You Can Never Have.

[Fadeaway]

Another thread brought up something I am struggling with. The regrets. Things I never got to experience that I can never have. Simple wants. I am not talking about extravagant wants I don't think, I could be wrong. But basic things that most people get.

Things like wanting my mom to love me. She is gone now, but I still have this hole in my heart this wondering what it would be like to be loved by a mother. I think it makes it easier that she is gone, because I am no longer actively trying to gain her love only to face rejection over and over, but there is that regret and longing that never goes away. Not for her, but to be on the receiving end of what I feel for my kids.

My birthday, I know that I can't force people to acknowledge my birthday, but for goodness sakes that doesn't stop me from wanting, and I don't know how to get that. What did I do that was so wrong, that no one ever seems to care. My husband is a good man but birthdays and anniversaries, you can remind him over and over about the day and he will still forget. He forgot my birthday the first year we were married. He did take me to the store on my sons birthday this year to buy me a birthday present with me there, it wasn't until weeks later that I figured it out he wasn't doing it because I was hurting that I couldn't see my son like I thought. He looked at is as an advance gift. When my birthday came around he had no clue. We have been married 1 1/2 years and I am so unbelievably angry at him for this. But then I think, I just don't deserve these things. There is something wrong with me that I can't have them.

I want my pregnancies back. They were horrific and so filled with abuse. I want to be able to experience what it would be like to not be in fear while giving birth or to have someone to experience an ultra sound with.I get so jealous when I hear about people having baby showers because I never even allowed myself to want that. I just wanted one person to have something pleasant to say if I shared the knowledge I was pregnant or to be able to tell someone I felt the baby kick.

I want to know what it is like to have a prom dress or a wedding dress. We couldn't afford a wedding or a dress. I didn't have it with my first marriage either but at least I wasn't being forced this time and no fighting was involved. Really just any occasion where I can dress up and do my hair and feel pretty for once. How do I get that? This is probably my most materialistic want.

I know it sounds silly, but I want an excuse to have that. I tell my husband and his response is "Then what you get a fancy dress and do your hair and then we just sit at home and stare at the wall?" Well yes, I mean not quite, maybe take pictures or have a romantic dinner and light candles and stuff. would that be so bad? (I can get a dress cheap at Ross for those who know what that is) I thought I found a nice restaurant in our small town but it turns out a nice dress would be way out of place. I was so disappointed because I stupidly got my hopes up. There isn't anywhere for at least 200 miles if not more.

I want a family dinner, or a group of friends with people laughing and talking. Unfortunately, my own issues with self isolation and lack of living family members I am willing to speak with interferes with this. My husband is the only person I have ever allowed myself to get close to or trust.

I don't care about materiel possession, I don't care if I have a nice car as long as it runs, I don't care about clothes I am fine with buying only what I need and shop off the clearance or sales rack. I don't let myself want things. I told my husband I hated flowers that way I could never be hurt over not getting them. I don't feel like I am asking for the moon with other things I have mentioned here. Yet, the world makes me feel so guilty like I am asking for the impossible.

I want to have the memories of seeing my kids grow up. Years of child hood firsts that I missed and can never experience because i can't go back in time. Knowing I have to wait a few more years before my son can get away from his dad and that those are 3 more years that I will have missed the memories of his life. The guilt I have that barley remember the time I was with my daughter because I was so dissociated because of the events surrounding her birth. I was super efficient survival mode when her and her brother were in the hospital, but once she was released a few months later...

What I want most are the emotions, experiences and memories I can't seem to have or the ones I know are to late. Right now my bad memories out weigh the good. I am trying to fix that, but I don't know how. But most of all, I want to stop wanting things I can't have. How do I stop the guilt for wanting too much?

Edit: I am in self pity mode tonight. I recognize this. I think some flood gates got opened tonight, and I am sure I will feel better in the morning. I already feel better than I did when I first started this post more than 3 hours ago, but took forever to hit send.

 

[Springer80]

Fadeaway please don't undermine what your feeling by putting a pre-emptive 'self-pity' caveat at the end of what is just genuine emotion.

In my entire life, of ALL the people I have met, very very few would I call self pitying. People who do not try are self pitying. You are expressing emotion. It seems to me the words 'self-pity' are just a clever refute for expressing emotion and asking for help. Dirty concepts nowadays. There is nothing wrong with struggling with big emotions and the insecurities which hold us back.

Yes everyone has there own particular mix of these things but that doesn't mean you should be put down.

I think learning to accept and love life's imperfections is a very very hard thing to deal with, especially when some people are dealt are very bad hand.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Try not to mix up letting emotions out with self pitying. It's ok to let the inner child have a voice, to stamp your feet and say 'it's not fair' and 'I want to be loved'. In doing that, you are acknowledging your own needs. It's also a part of the grieving process - have you ever heard someone grieving a persons death get angry with that person for dying? It's not logical, it sounds selfish, but it is just the person saying what they are grieving, that's the loss and being left alone. It's the same with the experiences that you have lost, grieving for them and acknowledging your feelings.

We can't go back in time and get back what we've lost. But don't give up on creating good memories. Some of these things aren't impossible. Why not cook a special candlelit dinner and make yourself look pretty. Perhaps you could save for a weekend away. Buy yourself some flowers and enjoy arranging them and making your home pretty. But don't give up.

 

[scout86]

@Fadeaway , I'm not sure you do stop. I think the "wanting" can change over time, like with any form of grief. You have a right to want those things and to grieve their loss. There are healthy and unhealthy forms of grief, or course.

My T gives "homework assignments". A couple of weeks ago, he gave what I've been calling "the strangest homework assignment of all time". He began by saying that we can "avail ourselves of resources we weren't actually born with". He asked, as an example, what I thought it would have been like to have had a sister? Then, what about an older sister? He asked me to imagine, basically, a completely different family and ask myself what things I would have been able to learn through that, that I didn't actually get growing up, Because, all those experiences you can have growing up DO teach you things and contribute to what you come to believe about yourself and the rest of the world. That's why they are important. He said this exercise isn't as much about the grieving version of "what if?" it's about learning and finding better insights and tools to live life now. It was actually kind of fun..... Although, there's an alternative universe or 2 out there I wouldn't mind living in awhile, I think.

You've asked a good question, and I've been sitting here awhile thinking about what the answers might be. I'm probably not qualified to answer, now that I've thought about it. I don't "miss" emotions, experiences and memories, like you're talking about, I tend to want to avoid even considering that they exist. I guess that's a lot easier, but not necessarily healthier.

The one thing I would say, is you don't have to feel guilty for wanting those things. Those are huge and legitimate losses that deserve to be grieved.

As far as your wish for the occasion to get dressed up, maybe you're a person who enjoys that kind of thing. You said that you don't care about stuff like that, but maybe you DO and have never thought it was ok to be who you really are. Within the limitations you've got right now, you COULD get dressed up and serve a fancy meal at home for you and your husband. Surprise him, maybe? I get where he's coming from, on remembering things like birthdays, I think, because I have a problem remembering stuff like that too. I'd forget my own birthday, if no one else mentioned it. But, I've ordered flowers online for a couple of people and found out that most of those places are more than happy to email you reminders of the significant dates you should do something for. Your husband might want to consider ways he can use technology to help his memory, because they're out there. It may not be as romantic, but this stuff is important. We all have different values, true, but we all also ought to honor the wants of those we love.

Sorry I don't have a better answer! This doesn't sound like a reason to feel guilty. It sounds like legitimate feelings and grief that should be felt and honored.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think you are finally grieving your losses and feeling false guilt and it is hurting you. You are so normal for where you are at. You are becoming aware of so many things all at once. Awareness is the first step to changing what you can and begin to meet your own needs. Remember to take baby steps in this process.

I went through what you are experiencing and the grief, the regrets, the realizations of wasting so many years dealing with my symptoms while my kids were very young.

You deserve to have dreams, needs and wants and to go out there and begin to really love yourself and begin to do so much self care.

It took me a very long time to start giving to myself. It was so hard. I hated myself among all sorts of other emotions.

I am so sad that your husband is not meeting your emotional needs with you.

I do not think you are feeling sorry for yourself at all. I believe you are mourning the losses.

I lost my mom when I was nineteen but she never loved me nor was she kind to me. I got crumbs from her.

I went through a period that I so wanted someone to come in and rescue me and as I grew I realized I had to be proactive and meet those needs and wants for myself and start treating me better. I hope as you grieve your many losses, you will begin to heal and to do kind things for yourself because you deserve your needs and wants. I know easier said than done.

I wish you the best in your healing and recovery.

 

[silkleaves]

I can relate to so much of what you are saying, the things that you miss and wish you could have had, we have quite a bit in common on some points. In the moment, I also feel like I'm wallowing in self pity...but then, like Meadowsweet said, a key to helping soften the blow to these feelings is to create good memories.

That is something I try very hard to do...even if it's something really simple and small like asking kiddo to go for a walk with me, or take out our nail stuff to do a mani / pedi together... and being able to say that is something that I will able to look back on with fondness... Like one time I went to the mall, and tried on a mink coat that cost over $5k... Mind you, I never would wear or own one, even if I did have the money LoL but when I saw the price tag, knowing how much money I had on my body at that moment...oh man. Okay, it's silly in a way, because like you, I have no interest in material things, but that is a funny and really good memory that I will always take with me...not only that I had it on but that I actually convinced the sales lady to let me put it on. It still makes me smile.

And there are a lot of other silly little things that I've done that I can look back on and still tickle me...no it in no way makes up for a mothers love, or how I felt raising kiddo by myself with no one to share that with, or lack of friends or moments when I feel like life is not worth living. BUT, it makes me smile. Creating memories that I find enjoyable help a lot. Cause the past cannot be changed, we don't get a do-over, and even then....even with a do-over, a lot of the worst memories I have are things that were never in my control, so doing it all over again would not help. And I have no idea what my alternate life would have been...but different does not mean better. For all I know, I was just meant to suffer through certain traumas and challenges in life, and a whole different set of them would have happened regardless.

All I have, all you have...all any of us have is to make the most out of what we have *right now* and try, to the best of our ability, to create something good with that, so that we can have moments we value in the future. Mind you, the only reason I can even say any of this and be supportive is because my head is not in the past, actually, my head is in a whole different type of thoughts that are harming me so my focus is shifted. It'll swing back eventually, so please remind me of all this stuff when I have my moment :) Really though, it's not easy, and I can't even say that we will ever stop wanting... but the feeling will ebb at least and it won't be so painful. And each time it flows, it will hurt a bit less than it did the last time around.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't think there is anything wrong with any of those wants! I hope that you can see that you shouldn't feel guilty for a few simple wants in life.

Let's just face it. Some guys can be sort of daft when it comes to the needs & wants of others. (Not guy flaming here, rather basing this on past experience. I know females can do it too!) So anyway, what I'm specifically referring to is the birthday/holiday thing. I had an EX who flat out told me that birthdays/holidays/anniversaries were not his thing and that he would never remember them as he saw these days just as they were any other day. Uhm, ok, that's fine, however, when you're in a relationship, one partner should indeed make an effort to make their partner happy, and for me, that included simply REMEMBERING my birthday. C'mon, don't give me this stupid song and dance about how you can't remember when the entire world is overly connected to technology and we all have electronic calendars in our phones! (Yes, he had a smart phone....How hard would it have been to set up a yearly reminder for my birthday! It would have taken less than 30 seconds.) We were on again/off again for almost 4 years, and I don't think that remembering my birthday was asking too much, however I do think it was a reflection of his selfishness in that he wouldn't even make an attempt to change, the whole time giving me the "this is just how I am, deal with it" song and dance. (Just one of the many things that showed he wasn't able to be a bit self-less when it came to being with someone else.)

So anyway, yeah, he was the biggest idiot when it came to stuff like that. I don't expect the world to stop for my birthday, but as I get older I realize that I need to be more proactive in planning my own birthday activities. I don't just sit around hoping that fabulous things will happen so that I can inevitably be disappointed when they don't. I plan my birthday dinners (yes, plural, as I go out with different people....I am the queen of milking my birthday for all its worth!) I even get my own birthday cake and such because I need to drive to the next state to get one because there are so few gluten free bakeries around. So my point is that in this case, I do indeed make things happen....I make my birthday fabulous because that's what I want, and I deserve it!

But, as for the other things, I understand that you can't just simply make them happen. I think that in some of these cases you might want to practice radical acceptance so that you can accept the reality of the situation and be able to move forward without carrying so much guilt for wanting what you weren't able to have. You can't change the past, but you can make your future into what you want it to be. I'm not trying to make this sound simple, as it is SO hard to switch from backward thinking to forward thinking, but if you work at it, over time it can be done. That is, instead of having regrets/guilt about the past, you focus on the present and the future.

 

[Pietro]

Like everyone else here has said, there's nothing wrong with wanting things; and regret is natural when you've missed-out on things. I have dealt with a lot of regret, and still have more to process.

The main thing is not to let it consume you. As others have said, it's just another form of the grieving process -- you grieve for a time, then move-on when you feel ready. Holding onto bitterness and regret perpetually just keeps us stuck in the past. I learned that the hard way, and lost years before I learned this.

Let's face it -- life has been damned unfair to us. If we're on this board as survivors, we've gotten short-shrift from life at one or more points during our lives. It's natural to be angry about this, and feel the loss this has caused. For me, I suppose, hope springs eternal. :)

 

[Fadeaway]

I brought this up with my therapist and she said this nearly word for word.

I think you are finally grieving your losses and feeling false guilt and it is hurting you. You are so normal for where you are at. You are becoming aware of so many things all at once. Awareness is the first step to changing what you can and begin to meet your own needs. Remember to take baby steps in this process.

It was really good to have your comment enforced. I guess admitting this was bigger than I thought according to my therapist. I feel like I have a lot to learn though, in figuring out how to recognize my wants and needs and allowing myself to have them.

 

[Flossy]

Fadeaway, you have already figured out your wants and needs. You wrote them all in your post. All you need to do now is to make a bullet point list of each one from each paragraph. Then you can give yourself what you need in those areas in very, very simple forms, focusing on doing it for your self.

Some people talk about acceptance over not getting what you need, I had to rephrase that to say 'I give up' on getting what I need.
Now I get the need met from a different source.

Wanting my mum to love me = I talk to any older woman I meet, even in the supermarket line. I ask questions about life, if I get to know them a little better. This way I get to experience some of the wisdom and care I missed out on.

My birthday = I tell everyone it is 'My Happy Birthday today' with a smile. People will smile back, say Happy Birthday and occasionally there is a hug or a pat on the arm. The birthday rules are now that it last at least a week. "This is my Birthday Week".

Prom dress or wedding dress = take your great habit of shopping in a thrifty way and start a habit of going to thrift shops regularly. Check out the racks of prom dresses and wedding dresses. One day you will see one that fills your heart. Buy it. You don't have to wear it out, but you can put it on and smile or have a huge cry. Hang it in your home where you can see it, put it on a dummy or wear it to do the vacuuming.

Family dinners = Start a dinner once a month. If you can't cope with having it in your home, find somewhere else to have it and invite anyone who knows how to laugh and could do with a feed.

My point in saying all of this and putting it in this way is not to downgrade the pain behind not getting your deep needs met, it is to suggest that it is possible to start to meet the need in the simplest of ways. Without a big fanfare and trying for the whole package of what you missed out on. Just taking that one tiny step will show your soul that you care about your needs. They are important and you can do them for yourself.

Though some of my suggestions seem silly and trite, please try one or two and see how you feel. If it makes you smile inside to go to a thrift shop and check out the prom gowns, then that is something you need to do regularly and enjoy.

I like that word 'enjoy', it means to me 'get into joy' - en joy. Bringing in joy is healing. PTSD may not be curable but pain is. The opposite of pain is joy, so anything the you enjoy, bringing some tiny joy into your day will balance out the pain and heal it.

 

[xena21]

Everyone is is learning how to live then how can everyone needs to have self pity. Everyone needs to forgive themselves for their mistakes. You may see them as these huge mistakes but its part of life. You are learning how to LIVE. Living is so important don't you know? If you don't know how to live, how can you help others or your children figure it out?

This is your chance to do the right thing. Good luck!!!