I saw my therapist and this was very helpful.
He said he noticed a few things while I was there and so did I. I noticed that I was more restless, less talkative because I was trying my best to appear more rational the I felt in my head which was racing a bit (He knew that) and I couldn't focus so much, I was more impatience and I paced his office but then couldn't seem to stand myself.
He noticed that: Seem a bit foggy and glassy and:
- I didn't seem depressed to him. I actually agree with that becasue for the most part I don't feel depressed. He said I seem just as 'easy to smile as I normally do' he thinks the crying I have been doing is caused mostly by the chemical imbalances from all the medication. I seem a bit manic to him. It's that time of year, it's hard to say if this would have happened if all my medication would have been taken on time and like it should have been; probably not.
- I am restless and he noticed. I tried my best to appear not very restless but even I noticed I was doing things out of character; just mannerisms. We have known each other for a long time and he is observative of me. I felt like my skin is crawling. I kept putting my hands under my legs and trying not to rock back and froth. I sometimes pace his office and I did today and he asked why and gave me two reasons why I possibly would have paced. I told him I didn't know even though I did. I was restless. Sometimes it's anxiety today...restless.
- I do have some sad feelings. Mostly about to lose of college for the summer, lose of mentor and the 70ish days until it starts again. The lose of the routine is hitting me hard and this is adding to the issues. Sleep cycle etc.
I also had this terrible and in my completely irrational thought in therapy about how not taking my medication may break up the monotony of home, where I have nothing to do. If I don't take my medication, maybe I will become manic like I seem to be getting now, maybe that will be fun and maybe...but I know that is stupid...but I thought about that in therapy and I apologized to him.
And I am still have problems with compliance. Despite seeing him I still didn't take the antipsychotic tonight; the one medication that will really stop the mania and allow me to sleep. I also am still on half doses of most of my medications, at least I confessed that too.
I even thought of taking the antipsychotic and since it's a dissolve under the tongue type, to raise my mouth out after taking it. So that way I can say I 'took' it , without having to actually take it. That might work with my psychiatrist who I haven't known as long but it wouldn't wash with my therapist who will see straight through the lie.
I see them both on Monday and I really worry about seeing my psychiatrist. We haven't dealt with something like this together before and I don't know what her reaction will be. She is more of a stern woman and perfectly nice but in all honestly I am worried she will fire me. My therapist doesn't think she will but also told me that if she does that "we will find you a new psychiatrist". I will try to see this with a bit more of a positive attitude and I will try to deal with this as it comes. It will probably be just fine.
My therapist always talks about how common it is for people with Bipolar Disorder to neglect their medication but it doesn't mean all doctor's all willing to put up with it or willing to risk that. As my therapist said earlier today it is dangerous and I know that.
Twice he asked me if I have wanted to drink or if I had been drinking (which made me think he thought I was hiding it or I was drunk then). He is worried about that too and I admit being worried too. He told me that it is common in mania, people who don't often drink will sudden start drinking a lot, alcoholics. And yes, I went for months without even thinking about drinking and now in the past few days I have...
This is all my fault. I should have taken my medication. It started during the last part of school term, less time for sleep so I started not taking all the medication and then sometimes stopping altogether.
