General In A Catch 22

[DMAC4026]

Yesterday morning, my wife and I (she has PTSD Complex) got up and dressed for work. That is very difficult for her and she has reduced from full time to part time. We got all the way to work and she had a horrible panic attack. Needless to say I had to call my boss and take off. Then I had to let her boss know she wouldn't be in. On the way home, my wife broached the subject of going into the hospital for help and to get on anti depressant. (she has had several near suicide episodes when doctor's have put her on AD so she would have to be closely monitored as in a hospitalization.) I thought it was a good idea and expressed that and also thought it would be a good idea to discuss it with her VA psychiatrist. She asked me to call so I did so and left a message.

The day only got worse.

Her fear and panic grew into a near rage level directed at me. I did all the things I know to do but to no avail. Finally stopped and we both went to sleep at around two AM. Had to be at work this morning and she was not sure if she was going. I could not miss work today as I have weekend duty assignment that requires me to be on call for the weekend 24/7 until Monday morning. I hated to leave her in such a state but even though she was still angry at me this morning she assured me she would call whoever she needed to and find out about going in hospital. I told her I didn't want to leave her alone but she angrily stated for me to just go to work. So I did. Now she has said that I abandoned her and she is in a full blown rage. I am at work and she is at home and I don't know what to do. I feel like I cant do anything right. Like there is no right answer. I feel hopeless and want to bail out but I love her and care for her so much that I know that is wrong. I'm just spinning out of control. Any help here would be greatly appreciated.

 

[shimmerz]

I feel hopeless

Energy is a funny thing. Your feeling hopeless is probably a mirror of the feelings she is having right now. Sounds like projection (huge). I hope you can practice stepping out of that energy so that you can provide calmness and balance. Hard to do but it does no good two people spinning off - best to have one grounded. Like you said, you need to work - and you can't put that at risk.

Love and Light
Shimmerz

 

[DMAC4026]

Yes. I think if I understand you correctly projection. Could you explain please. She sees my leaving her in this situation as abandonment. Every time this comes up like this she sees it the same. I have not always left and gone to work. I stay sometimes. I try to balance that. But here lately I have taken off a good bit to help her or be with her during trying times and I can't just always do that.

 

[shimmerz]

No, nor should you. Your job is to remain grounded. Grounded is your being able to work.

I used to do this with my first husband (we were young) and I didn't actually realize that I was a PTSD girl waiting to blow up. It was my attachment disorder (I had been moved 20 times as a child prior to the age of 2). It is a feeling....a gut wrenching feeling that has nothing to do with you. In order to be grounding you need to realize this imho. Someone else did this to her - not you. Therefore, you can remove yourself as the 'object' to which she is reacting.

I fixed it with my first husband because I could see the pain he was in when he explained he 'had' to go to work but was so sad he had to leave me - I could tangibly feel his pain. He stayed calm the entire time and never once missed work for me (that would have had me test him - not because I wanted to hurt him but because I had this inner need for him to be there). It was never malicious on my part.

He stood firm and grounded - knowing that he needed to do what he needed to do - and my knowing that he cared enough to stand firm and do what was best for us in the here and now.

 

[Ardemus]

Good Morning. Projection would mean that you're seeing your own issues in her.

Take all of this with a grain of salt. I'm not a professional by any stretch of the imagination.

I think I've been where you are. You feel hopeless for several reasons. First, you love her and feel a crushing desire to help her. You're sacrificing your pride, energy, time, and sleep trying to help. You feel helpless because it's not working. Your experience says that hard work will win out in the end. However, her income is shrinking and may disappear. You can't care for her if you lose your job, yet, it seems like you aren't caring for her unless you stay home with her. You feel helpless because you can't do both.

Today, you were conflicted about going into work. When you talked to her about it, she demanded that you go, but became furious when you did. Part of you expects your sacrifices to earn gratitude and praise, but instead you get anger and abuse. How is any of this your fault? But then again... one of your foundational beliefs is that you can do something to make things better. If you decide that you can't, wouldn't that mean that you really are helpless? You can't accept that, so you have to believe that you did something wrong. You feel helpless because you can't understand why she's angry, and you can't see what to do to avoid it.

Chances are, what she's feeling does make sense in the context of her trauma. Maybe you did something wrong, maybe it was minor, maybe you didn't do anything, or maybe it was as harmless as turning to answer a question with shaving cream on your face. It's normal for her to react with anger or fear that seems totally unreasonable. It's also normal for her to push you to do things that she's afraid that you'll do.

You may know all of this, but it may help even if I'm saying things you've heard before.

1) She should start seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist or social worker, who specialize in PTSD and any other issues she has developed (such as depression, substance abuse, anxiety, etc.). She will probably fight against it, but she needs specialized care just like someone with diabetes. It may help to know that psychiatric drugs are only one kind of medication used to treat PTSD. There are meds that can reduce or eliminate her nightmares, and meds that can reduce or eliminate her quick anger response, her startle reflex, and the intensity of her rage.

2) Although treatment will improve things, at first the PTSD really does have control. You should insulate yourself, build a bubble, and recognize that she's probably horrified by what she says and does.

3) I was given the book "Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship - How to Support Your Partner and Keep Your Relationship Healthy" by Diane England, PhD. It came from one of the psychologists teaching my partner's DBT class. It's written for you, not her. It's easy to understand, and easy to read. I highly recommend it.

Best Wishes

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Your job is not to rescue her. Your job is to support her, and I see you as doing just that. Slip into the mindset of doing/saying everything that she wants you to, and you will become an enabler.

You may not want to put this in an ultimatum, but yes, she needs to be in treatment of some sort, and if hospitalization is necessary for medication, she should go inpatient in order to stabilize. If she refuses therapy and/or medication, then you have to assume that THIS is what your life will be like from here on out. When nothing changes.....nothing changes. Can you see yourself living a life like this? Do you want the rest of your life to be like this? No, I didn't think so. There is only so much you can do to help her, one being giving her support with finding treatment. Beyond that, she must do the work herself, and if she doesn't do such work, then you are the one who must decide if you can deal with this for life. I wish you the best.

 

[Friday]

1) You can only abandon kids & pets*. Everyone else can take care of themselves. Hard truth, but there it is. Maybe not as well as if you're there to help, but that's luxury. Not abandonment. I had an over active sense of 'abandonment' coming out of the military (no man left behind) that I had to really readjust. Because there IS a difference between leaving someone to die, and leaving someone in a safe zone to take care of business and then returning. Real World: If they/she are going to die if you walk off... You call 911. Otherwise you're leaving her in a safe zone while you take care of business. Not. Abandonment. She's an adult who can take care of herself. You, my friend, are icing on the cake. What makes life GOOD. Not what makes life possible.

2) Suggestion: If she doesn't consider "home" to be a safe zone, negotiate with her to find one. Some place, ANY place that you can take her (on a regular basis!), that is a "safe" zone. That you then collect her from afterward. Hospitals are usually a bad choice as a regular safe zone because they're freaking expensive, so people avoid going. There are hundreds of options. From libraries & cafés, to 24/7 AA meetings, or 24hr gyms. Hotels to B&Bs. There are free public places to less than a hospital copy private options everywhere you look. It just needs to be sheltered, have a bathroom and food options (even if that's just a few MREs with heater in a backpack). Everything else is negotiable. Whatever her needs are FOR a safe zone, they can be found by looking around and getting creative.

* Kids&Pets is my go-to phrase, but there are clearly exceptions to that rule. I've toyed around a few times with how to include them, but I eventually realized that every exception I could think of = phoning 911. Military thinking getting in the way again, because when you're military you ARE 911. No one else is coming to help. You're it. It took me awhile to realize, wait. I live in a functioning society. I am not where the buck stops. And that passing the buck is not abandonment or cruelty. It's being responsible. Doing the right thing.

 

[blackswan]

Projection - in this case experiencing her hopelessness as your own emotion. I get this quite often too, but am learning to delineate better between what is my feeling and what is actually boyfriend's very intense feeling.

In case it's helpful, my last psych pointed out that sympathy and empathy are two different things. I, because I love him dearly, naturally empathise with boyfriend's overwhelming feelings - this is like seeing him drowning and jumping right in there with him. I'm working on standing back a bit so that I can be both safer in myself as well as more supportive - this is like seeing him drowning but staying on the pier and throwing him a life preserver. Not going to lie, I do get sick of watching him drown (standing on the pier can get tiresome when there's a whole rest of the world to explore). And sometimes it's overwhelming and I do still jump in. But, I'm getting better at remembering to get out,dry myself off, and live my life in between. This makes it possible to enjoy the good days when they pop up too :)

Enduring misdirected rage is heartbreaking. Remember she's not angry at you, she's triggered and angry at her abusers. Firmly maintain your boundaries in a calm voice, move to another part of the house where you can do something nice for yourself uninterrupted, and know that it's absolutely ok to bail out for a while (just make sure she knows how long you'll be gone). If you're concerned about her safety, call in the professionals.

This rough patch will pass, just like the others did. I hope things are getting easier :)

 

[DMAC4026]

I'm sorry I have not answered anyone. Been really busy making it through this patch. Not over yet. But all of you each offered something that was helpful. It is a struggle everyday. I don't feel as though I can make it some days. Other days I feel hopeful. I just wonder will it ever get easier? Or better?[DOUBLEPOST=1403724776,1403724675][/DOUBLEPOST]And on another note... How do I stop myself from laying down in the muck with her? Or as was said earlier jumping off the pier and into the water. I know better but I do it anyway. Any ideas?

 

[nursenurse]

Counselling for you, much like Al Anon, could help point out ways you are enabling her and help you to get off her bus. The bottom line is that it is your mind set to change. You have to think of your boundaries, as she does hers, and realize and discuss the consequences. Then the hardest part of all is making good on those terms. It is like being a parent who threatens but never follows through. The child continues to push and push regardless because there has never been any action consistent with the words.

Remember that you are important too, and that you have to look after yourself. Make plans for yourself, have a life that you can fall back on.

Also remember that some relationships are not meant to work out, and PTSD may really have not much to do with it, other than acting as a curtain for the real reasons to hide behind.

 

[DMAC4026]

Thanks nurse. I have looked for support groups specific to PTSD and caregivers but had not thought of AL ANON. There are plenty of those available in my area. This forum has helped a lot as well. It is refreshing to know that I am not alone or that I don't have unique problems. I HATE PTSD. It is such a destructive condition. I have watched my wife struggle and lose herself and it is heart breaking.