Conflicting Feelings About Relationships.

[anthony]

He was using you as a booty call... nothing more. If he happened to run into you, booty call... there was nothing more to it.

 

[Philippa]

We didn't have sex. But yes, I can see this was his motivation. I wasn't necessarily there looking for love myself. I know that a relationship does not form in a bar...sex does. Booty callers don't ask the person out on a date though.

He asked me out twice, then cancelled due to his brain fog the first time, and was a write off the second time. Both instances indicated that he lacks responsability. If he knew his brain was foggy and he was in no condition to see someone, why arrange to date with them in the first place?

My hormones were acting up during the time we spent together out, and I may have gotten carried away as I am pretty in need of being held, affection and cuddles. I wasn't looking to get married...I just kept having odd urges to have babies with him, which confused me.

I find the idea of men "using you for a booty call" a bit funny. Who says I wasn't also using him for the same thing? I needed sex, affection and cuddles and fun. The upset was around him setting a date to meet with me for lunch and him going out and getting written off then coming home an hour before the date and expecting me to want to meet with him in that state when he just needed to sleep.

I'm not so naive as to think that we were having this whirlwind romance. It was fun and we got along. Things may have developed from there...as things sometimes do, but we were just enjoying each others company at that point, and getting to know each other.

 

[jmni]

@Philippa
Because you should of expected nothing from him in that case.

You said he was 46 so I doubt that he was that gorgeous. Did you genuinely "want" him for his body? It's not like he was a 25 year old basket ball player.

Also, nothing comes from sexual relationships "hooking up" or anything like that. Life isn't like tv where people have random sex then fall in love. I feel like you've received a lot of terrible destructive advice.

 

[Philippa]

When did I ever say I was looking for a marriage type relationship here? You are the ones telling me I'm seeking long term relationships. Maybe I just wanted sex as well? I'm lonely, and I met this guy, we got along and he liked me and wanted to take me out and get to know me more...he just couldn't get it together. Maybe it was just a booty call. What is wrong with that? Don't you ever get the urge to just have sex with no strings attached?

It's nice that you are saving yourself for a committed relationship, but who says I was looking for the same thing as you? He did like me...you're the one saying he didn't. All I expected was that he get his shit together enough to meet me for a friggin' lunch date. I wasn't expecting marriage, though my hormones were screaming KIDS!

I didn't actually ask for anyones advice here by the way. I was venting. I'm well aware that if I seem easy the guy will lose interest in many cases. Maybe I was also looking for a booty call? Maybe I'm ok with being easy. You don't seem to be...and that's ok. We aren't the same people. You are looking for a loving relationship. I am also interested in finding that at some point, but looking in bars isn't the place to go for that...and I know that. I was looking for human contact, affection, sex, touch, being held, cuddles.

I feel really condescended here when you reply to me and lectured to. I'm not an idiot, and I haven't watched t.v in over 20 years, thanks. I know when a person just wants sex. I needed sex as well. We didn't have sex, but he still wanted to take me out on a date so obviously he was still interested, even if he was a dickhead about it and wasn't responsible.

We liked each other and wanted to have sex. Is there a problem with that? Can you please stop telling me what I was and wasn't doing. I liked him AND wanted to have sex with him. I would not have gone back to his place if I didn't. there were no condoms so we didn't have sex.

What I expected from him was to not get blind drunk when we had a date, that's all. It may not have been the healthiest of situations, but I was needing cuddles, sex and to be touched. Those were my basic immediate needs and waiting 6 months for the right guy wasn't going to fulfill them last friday.

No one has been advising me...you and I just have different ways of thinking it seems. I didn't meet him with any expectations in mind. We met, liked each other, he asked me out, he had to cancel due to his brain fog and tinnitus, then I didn't see him for a month. I think he was just trying to sort his health issues out and f*cked up by asking me out in the first place.' Even if others were advising me, at the end of the day I make up my own mind and pick bits out of peoples advice that align with what my heart and mind tell me.

My second boyfriend I had sex with him the first night, and we ended up together for over a year. Another partner I had stayed with me for about 2 after we had sex the first night (he wanted to marry me), and the last fellow I was in a relationship with we had sex the first night and he stuck around for a year and a half and wanted to commit to me...so it can happen that people fall in love after they've had sex and the guy doesn't lose interest. Maybe that hasn't been your experience.

I'm not saying that your way is not the sensible approach, and I have had that approach in mind for a lasting loving relationship, but maybe that wasn't what I was seeking here in the first place, and it was just the hormones speaking that threw me off? I do want someone to grow old with, but right now I just really need to be touched, held and cuddles.

 

[Philippa]

@Philippa
Because you should of expected nothing from him in that case.

Not even to turn up to a date he made with me fresh and not hungover? Can you please stop lecturing me here. It's not what I need at all.

You said he was 46 so I doubt that he was that gorgeous.

So you just assume from his age that he was old and haggard?

When did I say he was gorgeous? He is very young looking for his age (like me) and yes, I liked the way he looked.

What kind of a thing is that to say to someone? I'm 40 this year and I still look like I'm 26 according to most people I know. Many people these days look younger than they actually are. What a narrow statement.

Did you genuinely "want" him for his body? It's not like he was a 25 year old basket ball player.

What does that have to do with anything? Honestly, I think our heads are in totally different places here. When I sleep with a guy it's not entirely based on his body or how gorgeous he looks. I liked his personality, he was nice looking (to me) and yes actually, he did have a body of a 30 year old.

How do you know what I go for? Are you me?

Also, nothing comes from sexual relationships "hooking up" or anything like that. Life isn't like tv where people have random sex then fall in love. I feel like you've received a lot of terrible destructive advice.

Please stop lecturing me. It's not helping me at all. Do you think you are being helpful here?

Who says I was looking for anything serious or long term here? You. Yes, my hormones were making me crazy, but that didn't mean I would have listened to them. He already said he wanted no more kids, so that sealed that deal right there.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I slept with the man who married me and loved and cherished me for thirty six years on the first night we met.

I hear you and believe you in what you need and want.

Relationships are so complicated these days.

If I had it to do over, I would have taken it more slowly, because he had his own unresolved issues.

But I still would have married him. I can never replace him with anyone else. He died last year and I was a basket case for a very long time and am just now beginning to feel alive again.

Wishing you the best.

 

[anthony]

Booty callers don't ask the person out on a date though.

Yer, they do... because that is the best way to get a woman in bed, by taking her out and having fun with her, getting her excited and into you... that is exactly how you do it until a booty pattern has otherwise taken effect. Even then... many booty calls are just that, being a night out, sex, then no contact until the next date / booty call.

Both instances indicated that he lacks responsibility.

Yes, you know best having contact with this person. I'm only giving you the male version... having been there and done this stuff.

I find the idea of men "using you for a booty call" a bit funny. Who says I wasn't also using him for the same thing?

Never implied such... and I totally agree that women do this equally, though females are still more emotional than males, thus they attach more easily to someone than a male does.

If you like the guy, then chase him for more fun times... it does sound a bit odd though considering his age.

 

[RussH]

Never implied such... and I totally agree that women do this equally, though females are still more emotional than males, thus they attach more easily to someone than a male does.

I am not sure I completely agree with this, but then I am an emotional person.

I saw an interesting study on the news: it asked the question can men and women just be friends as in best friends?
What was so interesting was it is the men that have trouble not crossing that line, and it didn't seem to just be the men wanting the friends with benefits aspect. It seemed the men were the ones that formed the emotional attachment more than the women.

Now how exensive the study was; I don't know. I just found it interesting.

I do believe men and women can be good friends, even to the point of being confidents with one another, as long as the set the parameters early in the relationship, and stick to them.

 

[silkleaves]

I think the thing is, it's not *all* men or *all* women who are this way or that. But I do agree with @anthony that women are more emotional...not all, just generally, we are more into communication and sharing and developing some sort of bond with the object of our affection, sex or no sex.

And this is coming from someone who tends to, for some reason, get involved with guys who are incredibly emotional and want an insta-relationship. I've had guys on the 2nd date talk marriage or ask me to move in with him. But to be fair (in a way) that seems to only happen with guys who I have no interest in really, and the ones I actually do have an interest in just want to get me into bed. Go figure. When all I want is to bed a guy, I could really care less if hes thinking of me... If I don't hear from him or he blows off a date, I'm not remotely emotionally invested enough to care.

I'm totally not coming down on you with where you are coming from @Philippa, because from the time you started the thread til now, you may have changed your mind and decided you are only interested in a booty call with this guy and not a relationship, feelings change... but you did start the thread off as having conflicted feelings about relationships which is sort of why people assumed you were interested in a relationship with this guy. A booty call isnt a relationship at all...and like, if a booty call is all you want with this guy, then the things you brought up that you are upset about does not, would not matter at all...not like it would if you had an actual interest in the guy beyond using him for sex...totally fine to do (in my opinion! lol) but then, you wouldn't be giving him and his antics a second thought.

Stuff that is important in a potential relationship, like courtesy, knowing that he values you and your time, etc just don't matter when you're only after getting into bed with a guy, and likewise for guys, they don't feel any desire to put anything more than the bare minimum in to get into bed with a woman. That bare minimum could be as little as a 2am "are you up?" text, or as much as wining and dining a girl and being the "perfect guy" for weeks...years even until he gets what he wants...and everything in-between. I have a neighbor who for over a year now, takes me out, stops to talk to me whenever we see each other, will buy my favorite wine and invite me over, calls and texts all the time.... I have no interest in him, sexual or otherwise, but he keeps trying. And at this point after so long, I think its more a matter of I'm being so difficult to get close to, that I don't think it's even a matter of he's interested in me, or interested in sleeping with me anymore...just the challenge of getting me and then if he ever does, I'll bet everything he's been doing will stop, cause he finally "won".

But if a guy, or a woman, is truly interested in someone, and truly wants to be in a relationship, they will always make time, they will value the other persons time and make sure that person knows they are important to them. They will call at a decent hour, they will make dates and then remind you with "I can't wait to see you!" leading up to the date, they will arrive early because they are so excited to see you, just being around you will make them feel like a million bucks, so they would not mess that up for the world. (Then again, could just be that he can tell he has to put extra effort in to get you into bed and enjoying the challenge while leading you on...which this guy doesn't seem to even be doing)

At the end of the day, it sort of comes down to this...if you are interested in a relationship, this guy is not giving off any vibes that he sees you as someone he wants to make time for or spend his time with. If all you are interested in is a booty call, then realize that you aren't even getting that from this guy. And if he's as lazy in bed as he is in getting you into bed, then I promise you...he will be a major disappointment in the sack. I kid you not lol

 

[Philippa]

Yes, you know best having contact with this person. I'm only giving you the male version... having been there and done this stuff.

Sure, and I appreciate it.

Never implied such... and I totally agree that women do this equally, though females are still more emotional than males, thus they attach more easily to someone than a male does.

Yes, we do in general. Some can pull it off like men and not get attached. I'm not the best at it I admit. That is why I don't really go for f*ck buddy situations. The last one was not right for me in any sense of the word. I was glad I managed to leave before I got too attached. He was bad news.

If you like the guy, then chase him for more fun times... it does sound a bit odd though considering his age.

Thanks. Why though do you think his age comes into it? How old do you all think I am here? I'm 40 in two months. :D Albeit a very young looking, and young minded 40...but still...40! He's actually just right in terms of age, for me.

 

[Philippa]

to be fair (in a way) that seems to only happen with guys who I have no interest in really, and the ones I actually do have an interest in just want to get me into bed.

I think I'm like this too. The guy who really did love me and wanted to marry me was very emotional and asked me to marry him after the first week, which was ridiculous. It was bad timing though as I was very symptomatic of ptsd, having just met him after the trauma, so the poor guy ended up with a traumatized girlfriend who was not very nice to him. He deserved better.

Go figure. When all I want is to bed a guy, I could really care less if hes thinking of me... If I don't hear from him or he blows off a date, I'm not remotely emotionally invested enough to care.

I wasn't too concerned the first time he cancelled. We only met for a few hours...and his excuse was a bit funny. Who texts someone out of the blue saying that their tinnitus is the reason for them not being able to organise a date with you? TINNITUS!

I think the important lesson for me was that I expressed myself to him at the time, honestly and assertively. I also did this the night before when he was cutting me off in conversation, so it indicates to me that I am getting much better at standing up for myself and asserting my needs and boundaries with people...even ones I like.

I'm totally not coming down on you with where you are coming from @Philippa, because from the time you started the thread til now, you may have changed your mind and decided you are only interested in a booty call with this guy and not a relationship, feelings change... but you did start the thread off as having conflicted feelings about relationships which is sort of why people assumed you were interested in a relationship with this guy.

Yes, I understand that and I can see how it caused confusion. I think I was confused as well. My friend said it right the first time. I AM conflicted about whether I want a relationship or not...for various reasons. Mostly I've been on my own for so long now I think I've forgotten how to 'do' relationships, and I enjoy my independence.

I want someone to cook for and cuddle and sex and stuff...all the good stuff, but no offence to the guys here...I can do without the other crap that comes with relationships. :D I sound bitter I know. :D At one point I honestly thought that we'd all be better off going back to tribal times, where the men stayed in the mens camp and the women stuck together in the womens camp and they would get together now and then for sex and procreation...and that's IT! :D Sounded more peaceful at the time.

A booty call isn't a relationship at all...and like, if a booty call is all you want with this guy, then the things you brought up that you are upset about does not, would not matter at all.

I think that things can develop after just having fun with someone. It's happened to me a number of times. One guy wanted to marry me, so the theory that all guys will lose interest after I have sex with them "too soon" kinda flies out the window there.

I am aware that I did this all through my twenties though and concluded that the sensible approach is the best way if I want something more long lasting...as well as getting to know the person I am with better before deciding if they are someone I want to be in relationship with. That was my main bone of contention with my habit in my 20's...I worked out 6 months later that I really had nothing in common with the guys, and they would fall in love with me (or think they were in love with me) after the first night...which is ridiculous. It was a real pattern.

Stuff that is important in a potential relationship, like courtesy, knowing that he values you and your time, etc just don't matter when you're only after getting into bed with a guy, and likewise for guys, they don't feel any desire to put anything more than the bare minimum in to get into bed with a woman. That bare minimum could be as little as a 2am "are you up?" text, or as much as wining and dining a girl and being the "perfect guy" for weeks...years even until he gets what he wants...and everything in-between.

Yes true. I can see that he was only in for fun. I guess I was confused myself...and I'd also been drinking and smoking a bit of weed as well, so my thought patterns were probably a bit skewed...PLUS my hormones and biological clock seemed to be taking the helm. I had one part of me just needing basic cuddles and male attention, fun etc. and another irrational part wanting to have babies with someone I didn't even KNOW :D Call me crazy...I already got the memo. :D

I have a neighbor who for over a year now, takes me out, stops to talk to me whenever we see each other, will buy my favorite wine and invite me over, calls and texts all the time.... I have no interest in him, sexual or otherwise, but he keeps trying. And at this point after so long, I think its more a matter of I'm being so difficult to get close to, that I don't think it's even a matter of he's interested in me, or interested in sleeping with me anymore...just the challenge of getting me and then if he ever does, I'll bet everything he's been doing will stop, cause he finally "won".

Yes, men are so funny. :D

The whole "she's so unattainable thing". As soon as you would give in they wouldn't want you any more. Hilarious. Guys just love the conquering. Not sure what to do with us after that's been fulfilled. :D

But if a guy, or a woman, is truly interested in someone, and truly wants to be in a relationship, they will always make time, they will value the other persons time and make sure that person knows they are important to them.

Yes, he clearly wasn't that interested, despite introducing me to his friends (who were all assessing me, which I thought only happens when a guy is interested in the woman?) the first time we met, and having a ball with me, and the other night his friend spoke to me privately saying he really liked me a lot (although later he drunkenly said that if it didn't work out he'd be happy to have me) :rolleyes: I really haven't been out in a while.

(Then again, could just be that he can tell he has to put extra effort in to get you into bed and enjoying the challenge while leading you on...which this guy doesn't seem to even be doing)

No shit! :D

At the end of the day, it sort of comes down to this...if you are interested in a relationship, this guy is not giving off any vibes that he sees you as someone he wants to make time for or spend his time with. If all you are interested in is a booty call, then realize that you aren't even getting that from this guy. And if he's as lazy in bed as he is in getting you into bed, then I promise you...he will be a major disappointment in the sack. I kid you not lol

Yeah, I've had a couple of days to get my head together and am not thinking of him much at all. It's very loud and clear that he doesn't value my time, or anything else about me except my body. I'm not interested anymore...just had to get the junk out of my head I guess. Don't know what was going on?

Why do some people do that? Make you think they really like you...ask you out, then cancel or turn up drunk, giving clear signals that it wasn't important enough to them to bother staying sober for?

I received the punchline the other day when the rest of his broken text arrived in my phone. He basically said sorry and then went on to try and make me out to have "over reacted" by saying "These days I usually laugh when things don't go to plan...Take care". In other words he didn't think it was a big enough deal for me to get "so emotional" over.

When things don't go to plan. Hmmmmm...things don't usually go to plan when you write yourself off the night before and don't get any sleep before a date...which was a choice, not some random event that forced him to not get any sleep. Dickhead.

I do get the feeling that I burst his bubble though. That was very distinct the other morning when I woke up.

 

[Philippa]

I slept with the man who married me and loved and cherished me for thirty six years on the first night we met.

Thanks Gizmo. I knew I couldn't be the only one on the planet who has experienced this.

I hear you and believe you in what you need and want.

Thankyou for hearing me, and believing me. :) I needed that.

Relationships are so complicated these days.

Oh yeah. Hence why I've tended to avoid them for years.

If I had it to do over, I would have taken it more slowly, because he had his own unresolved issues.

I think this is wise.

I guess the bottom line is I DIDN'T really want a relationship with him either. I know in my heart that this is the best way to go about things when you are serious about someone. And lets face it, you don't really get to know a person for a long time. It's important to get to know them for a while before deciding if they are right for you.

But I still would have married him. I can never replace him with anyone else. He died last year and I was a basket case for a very long time and am just now beginning to feel alive again.

I'm glad you are feeling better Gizmo. You deserve it. I know you had a lot on your plate during that time, and his illness must have been hard to deal with.

Wishing you the best.

Thankyou so much Gizmo. Your words were much appreciated.