So, after spending last night drinking wine with a couple of girlfriends, I came to realise that my standards are not shared by people I hold dear, after I shared the story of the 'tinnitus' guy who stood me up to get drunk and stay out all night. I know it's been weeks, and I hadn't thought about him or the scenario more than a couple of times in that time...but we got on the subject of men and relationships and this came up again.
I woke up feeling somewhat upset and second guessing myself, which pissed me off, after hearing my friends basically say to me the same thing this guy said when I told him I felt disappointed...they said that if it were them they'd probably just make a joke of it with him at the date!!
Really? So that makes me the too serious one who needs to lighten up more and make a joke of it, have a sense of humour, and not feel disappointed, or at least give him another chance even if I do feel disappointed. I stuck to my guns and got a bit pissed off at the suggestion...though bear in mind I had drunk a fair bit of wine. They sat up to attention and realized that I was not like them in this way, and started to change their tune, but it all felt very like they were just saying stuff to appease me at that stage and held their own thoughts on the subject...which is fine.
This town I live in is full of people who drink regularly, and I guess with that comes a lowering of standards, or possibly just greater tolerance than I have shown? Not sure, but it did help me to solidify what my own standards are in this kind of scenario. Even if it would have only turned out to be a fun casual thing, aren't I still allowed to expect a certain level of respect and etiquette or standard for meeting with someone who wants to get to know me more...even if it is primarily sexually?
I was having trouble relating to them at one stage as one of them has 3 kids and the other (whom I only met last night and don't really know) has just found out she is pregnant to a guy she hardly knows and is keeping the child and trying to convince him to get on board with the idea that things don't always have to follow a sane, rational, sensible path in life...that it's ok to just have a child without even knowing each other and then get to know each other...like the Indian arranged marriages gig. Should I really be listening to someone like this in the first place? :D
Not that she wasn't nice, but it did become uncomfortable to be around two people I did not relate to, as I am without children and didn't want any, which can often baffle women who do have kids or want them. So, I was judging her as stupid, and she was probably judging me as weird. I was able to put my own opinions aside...my terribly stereotypical feelings apparently, that parenthood requires planning and sensibility, though I realise 'these things happen'...and I did my best to be supportive of her position, even though I found it unfair of her to expect the guy to just 'come around' to the idea that he's going to be a father, when he really didn't want to be. But anyway, I'm venting at this stage.
My main bone of contention was to hear them talking about how I 'should' give him 3 chances, because he sounds lovely and I did like him...but I am not really a 3 chance giver these days. I tend to think 3 chances can easily extend to 10 or more once you start on that road and just how understanding am I supposed to be about his situation?
I guess I am not as 'motherly' as these women are. My friend is a VERY mothering, martyring person who is always helping someone she knows who is in need...but there is usually a sense of her feeling owed by them the same in reciprocation after, and when it doesn't come she gets angry and disappointed. These days if I don't know the person that well I won't get involved in their problems, as I once would have to avoid my own problems. I don't think it is cold hearted of me to not want to get involved with a guy who has, from the sounds of it, serious medical issues that impede his ability to get his shit together as a 46 year old father.
I expressed how it made me feel to him at the time...he thought it was silly and tried to make it out to be a joke or something that I failed to laugh at sufficiently..and these girls apparently think the same?
Is it just because I'm not a big drinker that I somehow missed the memo that this kind of behaviour is ok or acceptable and it's me who needs to just lighten up and turn it into a joke and give him crap about it in a jokey friendly way? It was a twilight zone moment for me to say the least. Just needed to vent about it I guess.
It left me feeling self doubt, and upset that maybe I didn't handle it well enough, even though I was honest with him at the time about how I felt, so I think I was right. I didn't react the way he did, or the way they would, but that doesn't mean my reaction or feelings are somehow 'silly' or 'lacking in humour' for not just getting over it and laughing.
This is why I tend to avoid as much as possible sharing my life situations with too many people. What happens is I have a group who support me in telling me that how I felt is valid and the guy was a douche, and then I get others who say the total opposite and act all laid back about it as though it was nothing, and the opposing views can cause me to get confused. I think I let them know though that I was ok with how I actually did feel about it at the time and didn't appreciate being made to feel like I didn't handle it with enough humour.
