Sharing Details

[RussH]

There are insecurities around trust that come into play, issues with denial and the sharing of information making it 'too real' for me to cope with, as well the shame issues you mentioned.

I completely understand your feelings. I myself have had trouble telling others simply because it makes me vunerable to attack. I am guarded with some of my secrets and the things that have happened to me out of fear that the person learning it, will then use the information against me.

I did finally open up to one person, out of need, and told them my biggest trigger. This person, if they so chose, could pretty much distroy me with this information, but I needed to share it with them.

So I understand much of you fear and tripiditation at sharing your past. I also know that fear sometimes acts as chains keeping us bound to the past, and preventing us to find freedom from the past, and keeps us from embracing a better future for ourselves.

Ok I will stop preaching now. I just want to see you get better.

 

[Sarah2732]

Definitely can sympathize with this.

One thing that has helped me us just having a handwritten note from my T saying that she likes me and isn't disgusted by me, even after all I've told her. It helps in those random panic moments when I suddenly feel like I'm drowning in shame when I realize what I've said to her.

 

[RussH]

Especially when I tell her something that someone did to me that I 'put up with'

Mystery, so often we "put up with" because we are afraid that if we don't then it will get worse. I know in my case I felt that if I tried to ignore it, or not fight back, then it would stop. After a while part of me figured I deserved it, while another part of me did not understand why they were doing this to me. I am guessing this is the reason I now have PTSD because the two parts could not reconcile what was happening to me.

I am sorry you feel shame for putting up with it, and not fighting back, but there is a reason we, who have been abused, are vicitims, and that is we are generally too nice to fight back. We don't want to hurt others. We don't want to act with meaness toward others, and they percieve it as weakness and abuse us. There is nothing about being nice and kind towards people to be ashamed of. It should be your abusers who should be ashamed for taking advantage of your gentle heart.

 

[ellienad]

Can I just say I am so thankful for this forum? Reading all of your responses has made me feel a little less alone :hug:

@GWhizz Yep, I can TOTALLY relate to what you've said. I agree that my T and I have a stronger relationship and stronger connection since I've shared details, and she's even said that. But in that, it's almost harder in a way? Because now this person I have this great relationship with knows all these awful details about me. Ugh, I don't know...On a side note, I love the brown paper back smiley! I just found it by clicking the little smiley face icon, where all the smileys pop up. It's the second to the left, second row down :)

I told my therapist I was really afraid she'd be mad at me or give up on me after sharing yucky stuff.

I literally just had a conversation very similar to this with my T. It still surprises me that no matter what I share, session after session she still sticks with me and doesn't suddenly freak out and drop me as a patient or something.

I feel horrible afterwards, then the next time I see her, she has the same beautiful smile that says she is glad to see me. She is the Mother I've never known.

This is so truthful. ((hugs)) *sigh* You've written what's gone through my own mind many times.

One thing that has helped me us just having a handwritten note from my T saying that she likes me and isn't disgusted by me, even after all I've told her. It helps in those random panic moments when I suddenly feel like I'm drowning in shame when I realize what I've said to her.

That note is so powerful and meaningful! It sounds like you have a great T. And boy can I relate to those "random panic moments drowning in shame". That is such a perfect way to describe it

 

[RussH]

Because now this person I have this great relationship with knows all these awful details about me.

Yes they do, but the important thing to remember is they still care for you and want to be involved in your life.

 

[digger]

they still care for you and want to be involved in your life.

Getting my head around the 'why' of that is the next hurdle! At the moment I am having to tell myself that I just have to accept it for now and that she's entitled to feel that way - I find it very hard to accept, or believe, though.

 

[RussH]

I find it very hard to accept, or believe, though.

I completely understand what you are saying. We, so often, see ourselves the way out abusers saw us, the way they made us see ourselves, but others, like your therapist, see us in a way we cannot see ourselves. They see good in us, and they see a person worthy of being liked. Our abusers lied to us about who we were, and are, but realizing that truth is hard because we have to rewire the way we think, and that is very difficult

I do not see the worthiness in me that others see; I see myself as worthless, but I accept the fact that I cannot, at least not yet, see myself as I am, and that others see something of value in me, so I accept that they value me, even when I don't.

I hope this makes sense to you.

 

[RussH]

@ellienad I apologize if we have over taken your thread. Sometimes these threads can have a life of their own.

How are things going with you and your T? I am really excited that you have been able to open up and share the intmate details with your T, and you are making progress on the road to healing. Blessings to you.

 

[ellienad]

@RussH No need to apologize!! When I post a thread I don't think of it as "mine", I think of it as a way to open communication for anyone who would like to share opinions, advice, etc :) Things are going smoothly with my T. She really is amazing if I do say so myself, and I am so incredibly thankful to have her in my life. However, that doesn't change the fact that she knows all of these intimate details about my trauma...I don't know. It's a process.

 

[Notsowild]

I feel the same way. I don't know what it is. You're telling someone even if it is your T all these disgusting details of your abuse. It just makes me feel dirty even though he does not make me feel that way. It's a hard one.