I Know That Sufferers Will Sometimes Sabotage A Relationship But I Don't Think I Do That

[user27357]

I am once again trying to get my needs met and failing. I try to stay calm but assertive and discuss things with my wife in a way that respects her needs and her opinions, but it almost always fails. Even the simplest things, like don't fall asleep on the couch before you put the dogs out for the night or please make sure I have clothes to wear to work in the morning or please keep the groceries stocked or the list up to date so I can stock them.

She doesn't work. She gets everything she has from me. Her needs are complex but I meet them as best I can without complaints from ber about falling short. She is cared for.

I know I can put the dogs out myself, but my schedule has me in bed hours before she is done with her day (watching the "good" shows that come on after I am in bed). We have Tivo and she could record them.

I can do my own laundry and would do it gladly but she insists that she doesn't mind and refuses to let me do it, but then when I am dependant on her for clothes I am let down time after time. I have solved this problem by buying like maybe 20 pairs of underwear and as many socks and 2 or 3 times the number of work pants and shirts I will need in a week. I still have to remind her when I get low and I sometimes have to dress in the laundry room because all of those clothes are in the dryer or folded but not delivered.

I do my part with the groceries and cooking, but it aggravates me when she knows I am hungry in the morning and hungry in the evening and still makes me wait until she is ready to cook or makes me ask for a meal when the clock on the wall predicts my desired meal time with 100% accuracy.

I have lost all patience with these and many other repetitive problems. I would hope that gratitude for providing everything she needs in life would motivate her to solve these problems. I would hope that asserting my requests for having my basic needs met consistently would be enough to get the problems solved. I am finding that presenting her with anger is the only thing that works.

I am tired of being angry all the time, I am tired of repetitive arguing about so many simple to solve problems with no results until the anger escalates to the point that she will eventually try harder just to keep me from yelling at her. I am tired of yelling at her.

Right now, as I type this, she is outside smoking and letting it drift in the open window near me. She knows I hate the smell. She has a one acre landscaped lot with acres and acres around us she could be smoking on but she has chosen to smoke in a place that puts it in my widow and I sit here and get reminded once again that she doesn't think about how it affects me or our marriage. I know I could talk to her about it and it wouldn't help, I know if I yell at her it might.

Is my escalating anger a form of sabotage? I see it as my last resort for solving these problems and I resent having to be this angry just to be able to sit here and type without being reminded that she doesn't care.

What should I do? I am thinking I may be forced to leave her just to manage my own level of frustration and anger in the only way that I can guarantee success. I do not want to divorce my wife after 35 years. I do not want to stop caring for her, but I have needs too and she isn't even trying to meet them. I have to admit that I would be happy just to see an effort, an acknowledgement that improvements would be easily accomplished and the reward would be great.

I don't think my anger is a sabotage, I have to wonder if my having not left this relationship years ago is the sabotage, to my own life as a whole and not to my relationships like I hear that we sufferers sometimes do.

I leave here now to go see my counselor and ask these same questions. I would appreciate any responses as they would represent a second opinion to hers. Anyone out there feeling like their own anger although justifiable and maybe even necessary is sabotaging their own happiness?

 

[KwanYingirl]

I don't envy you, cigarette smoke is just horrible. I had a boyfriend who was very abusive and one of the things he would do while driving down a highway would be to light up and blow the smoke right at me. My asthma is so severe he really could have killed me.

Your frustrations go back a long time. Does she participate in therapy either alone or as a couple? When I was a stay at home mom I did the house chores without complaint as I felt responsible to contribute to the household.

I don't know how she reacts to your anger but seriously if she does nothing to contribute well that seems very immature. Your therapist knows you better than I and has the experience to help you through this. Relationships can be so hard. Good luck.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

uhm, no. This is not sabotage, not in the least! I think that you may fear sabotaging your relationship, so even standing up for yourself and your rights makes you feel like you are sabotaging your relationship as you're not just bowing down and letting her run the show.

She sounds lazy, inconsiderate and selfish, to be honest. Why isn't she pulling her weight? You provide so much, I don't see why she can't give you those few things.

 

[Justmehere]

Anger in and of itself isn't sabatoge. What you do with it is most important.

Anger seems like a very fitting reaction to the situation. Anger can be a sign of a lot of things, including having boundaries crossed - like it sounds like yours are again and again.

Anger is hard to endure. It does break people down after while. There are positive ways to work through it. Anger that just sits with no solution is very difficult and can interfere with being happy.

It sounds like you feel like you are sabatoging somehow. I don't see any big red flags. It might be worth continuing to look into. Your anger and frustration seems really justified. The only way I could see that you would be possibly sabatoging things is by being too accommodating and possibly enabling her.

I would suggest on holding those boundaries more strongly, and being less accommodating to her. Then she has I face a natural consequence of her behavior. For example, if she smokes by the window, then tell her she can pay for her own cigarettes. And stick to it. Don't yell, as much as you can. Just calmly and gently stick to the boundary.

Maybe you two can decide on a meal time, and if she doesn't cook by then, eat anyhow. Decide on a laundry day, and if she doesn't do it by then, do it anyhow. Then your own needs are met, and she will be confronted with her own feelings of inadequacy. I think it's more than reasonable to ask her to do the laundry and cooking to support both of you, while you go earn income to support both of you. In the end, you can force her to do it, as I think you know, and you shouldn't have to go without clean clothes and be hungry. It sounds like she tries to guilt you into letting her do it, but drops the ball. So coming up with deadlines, like having set laundry days, and then doing it yourself if it's not done by then might be a way to help you both.

It seems like you are being too accommodating of her laziness and thoughtlessness. For her, there is likely no change because she doesn't have to feel the discomfort and consequences of her actions. If she doesn't do the laundry, you buy more socks. You know what I mean?

You are NOT to blame for her inaction and thoughtlessness. She is responsible for her hurtful behavior. At the same time, all her needs are met, so why would she change? I'm not saying she is happy, but she is likely just comfortable enough as things are - while you get more and more frustrated.

I'm not suggesting you do nothing for her and leave her high and dry. I am suggesting that you do less for her. She will then either change, or be confronted with symptoms that make it hard for her to change, and then be more compelled to work harder on her recovery.

Caring for her right now might mean being less of a caretaker of her needs. She will of course not be happy about that, and will likely push back. It might be really hard for you too, as doing this will involve you seeing her wrestle with being in pain and not having all of her needs/wants met. But, if you are even remotely considering divorce if things don't change, trying less drastic measures and remedies might be a good next step.

Marriage counseling would probably be a good idea too.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this, and I hope things change for the better soon.

 

[Hashi]

Her needs are complex but I meet them as best I can without complaints from ber about falling short.

Could I ask what you mean when you say her needs are complex?

Does she have any mental health issues?

 

[user27357]

besides being not very smart and incapable of empathy, no, nothing diagnosed.

 

[user27357]

my counselor suggests, as always, get the hell out of this situation before it kills me. All this anger is ending my life early and I have years ahead of me that could be even more than just a happier time for me, it could be a longer time too.

I have an appointment with a good lawyer that she says will look out for my interests even if I am willing to be complacent and let her have more than she deserves.

She has finally killed my desire to love her and be happy with her. My best chance at life at all, happy or not, is away from her. I may be broke, I may miss this place I have worked so hard for, I may be estranged from my kids, but I will be more likely to be alive and I accept that as true and irreputable. I will die sooner or kill myself if I stay in this marriage. This hurts.

 

[shimmerz]

I have lived this life. It is not fun. For me the trigger was the kids (I didn't know it at the time). They were my stepkids but I felt I was abandoning them. I am glad that I left. I have nothing after it all - except my sense of self worth and at the end I had to fight tooth and nail to get that back. For me, it was worth it. Good luck @enough.

 

[Friday]

Maybe I'm missing something here....

35 years of marriage
Divorce over
- Dinner being late
- Clean laundry not taken to your room for you
- Window left open

 

[StarChild]

Hi @enough! Before I'm going to comment on this thread, I need some more detailed informations. Because for me, they come across as a bit vague and generalized. So I don't ask you all the following questions out of curiosity, but to get a bit more of the big picture, so to speak. Feel free to answer me or not.

Could I ask what you mean when you say her needs are complex?

Hmm.. As fas as I read it, this question hasn't been answered yet...

She doesn't work. She gets everything she has from me. Her needs are complex but I meet them as best I can without complaints from ber about falling short. She is cared for.

Do you mean especially her financial "needs"? Or does this include her emotional needs as well? And what exactly is the "complex part" of her needs? Could you, for a better understanding, name them more specifically, please?

besides being not very smart and incapable of empathy, no, nothing diagnosed.

Wow, sounds mistakable to me; Did you always see her like this? (Especially the first statement of not "being very smart"?)

She has finally killed my desire to love her and be happy with her.

Again I have to ask you to clarify, how exactly she did accomplish this?

 

[Justmehere]

I'm really glad you are listening to what you need and working out what you need to survive, and do so in the healthiest manner possible.

I'm a little concerned about your therapist pushing so strongly for divorce, and not so much on ways to manage how you are feeling, while advising you to do something that is highly stressful: engage a likely to be contested legal battle to divorce your wife of 35 years.

You do sound very done with the marriage, and like you are looking for any way out - the marriage or possibly your life if not the marriage. You are certainly in a lot of pain. I'm guessing that your possible suicidal thinking, or thinking patterns that are close to it, is part of what is pushing your therapist to help you find any other way out other than taking your own life.

Divorce is a much better option than death. I also hear how much you can't continue with things the way they are now. I'm glad you are taking steps to be happy.

My concern is that divorces are stressful, even when they go well. It sounds like you have not tried counseling or other steps commonly tried before divorce. Your filing for divorce is likely to come as a bit of a shock to your wife (and your kids), and there will likely be a lot of push back. The push back you are getting now seems to be highly stressful already. It's not going to get better quickly once you file for divorce, even with an attorney fighting for you.

I'm concerned your therapist is not helping you get the right supports and skills in place to handle the stress of filing for divorce, finding a new place to live, having new patterns around holidays and birthdays, having to pay alimony to your new ex-wife, building new relationships, handling all the long term impacts of a divorce, etc.

I hear ya that it is a very difficult situation, and divorce may very well be the right step. Maybe you have tried a lot more than you describe here and you do sound like you are at your wits end. Maybe there is a lot more going on for your wife too.

However, I'm not sure it needs to be such a black and white solution of death or divorce.

And, even if you do go through with a divorce, I am concerned how much it you describe it like it is a solution to everything. Divorce does not always lead to happiness. I'm not against divorces in general. I am not sure divorce will make all the pain and frustration go away like you seem to expect. I want you to be prepared for what is to come and how things like this statistically tend to work out over the long haul.

Divorces take a lot of work. Hard marriages (even healthy marriages) take a lot of work. As you go through things, I hope you keep reaching out for support and continue working in therapy to address some of the underlying issues in this relationship.

For more information on happiness and divorce, you can check out: Link Removed:

"A recent summary of research in this area found that, compared to married individuals, divorced individuals had lower levels of happiness, more psychological distress, poorer self-concepts, and felt more alone.119 Of course, some of the poorer outcomes for divorced individuals can be explained by the unhappiness in the former marriage and the ongoing stress of divorce. Perhaps even more informative is a national study that followed happily and unhappily married individuals for a five-year period.120 Many of these unhappy individuals remained married but some divorced. Those who divorced were no happier when interviewed again than those that stayed married. The study also found no differences in rates of depression, sense of mastery, or self-esteem
between those who stayed married and those who divorced. This was true even if divorced individuals had remarried. For women who had experienced violence in their marriage, however, divorce did help them get away from that violence, which is important. "

"One of the best long-term studies of divorce found that divorce generally does not lead to a better life.122 These researchers found that about two in ten individuals appeared to enhance their lives, including building more satisfying romantic relationships, through divorce, but about three in ten seemed to do worse after their divorce. About four in ten individuals were able to build future romantic relationships but they had mostly the same kinds of problems as they did in their previous marriages and didn’t seem to improve their situations much. (The remaining 10% were functioning fine, but did not rebuild romantic relationships.) It is hard to work through a difficult marriage, but it is also hard to work through a divorce."

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

I have dumped relationships altogether unless I'm meeting new friends but that's it. I can't have a healthy relationship with any man whatsoever and without them in my life, I'm better off as I get myself better. To me, they inhibit my mental growth and wellness. I don't need that kind of distraction.