Suicidal Thoughts Back- Feel So Bleak

[NovemberStar]

That sums it up. I'm posting in the hope expressing how I'm feeling would make a difference.

My T goes away at the end of next week for a month. I won't see her for 5 weeks. I've been seeing her for a year; I don't know how I would have got through the last year without her.

I'm dreading her going away. I'm talking though it with her, but her leaving is triggering up some pretty bad previous trauma. I have flashbacks where I don't know what is happening, I don't know what the event is in them. I just know I'm terrified and filled with dread.

Spring like weather today (in the middle of winter) doesn't help - along with everything that's happening it leaves me feeling suicidal. I HATE spring. I am very sensitive to seasons, anything to do with nature can trigger me into depression and feeling hopeless, bleak and suicidal.

All day I've fantasised about going to sleep and it waking up until things are better - but when I sit and think WHEN would I pick when to wake up? I can't see ANYTHING to look forward to in the further. Nothing. I wish I could say 'well I'd go to sleep and wake up in October, or next year' but I can't - there isn't a time in the future I feel is worth to of waking up TO.

I also think the flashbacks I'm having trigger the suicidal thoughts because I was suicidal as a child - I have many memories of just wanting to die and be dead; to never wake up and have to deal with this thing called 'life'.

I'm also struggling because I'm trying to put into writing an official complaint about the treatment I experienced through the public psych system over the past 3 years. I feel my rights were breached, I was severely let down, and it nearly cost me my life more than once. I don't want to complain; I've tried to let time pass so the feelings ease off but it's been months and I feel as awful about it now as I did then. I know the complaint is the 'right' thing to do - my suicidal head argues 'well type it up, send it and then you can top yourself - it'll even help your case if they SEE the effect on you was THAT bad'. :(

Just feeling so bleak and hopeless right now :(

 

[Mystery]

NovemberStar I just want to say that I follow you because I like your intelligence, honesty and insight. I'm glad you put the post up instead of trying to deal with what's happening in isolation. I don't want to offer you a solution because I know that you already know this will pass. Just know that there are people here who do know how that feels.

The psych system will not blame themselves if you died, they will do their usual crap job of treating you as a statistic. Just another person who didn't respond to medication, in their opinion. You would appear as an adverse reaction at best. Never let yourself be broken by the system, please. Complain, document what they did to you in writing by all means and send it to the highest authority that calls them to action and account.

In Australia we have the Ombusdman or the Chief Psychiatrists Office. I've been done over by the Cystem once too, what a horrendous violation of my human rights that was. I really get it. You have to be really careful how you complain too in case their crazy worldview is too challenged by your emotions. I think if every survivor of their treatment wrote their story, there would be a Royal Commission. More of us should do it.

Sometimes finding any type of emotional release and writing it down has helped me to feel more like living. I don't want to patronize you either but when I feel like you are now I usually turn to saying affirmations out loud. I go through the motions at first, they are the last line of defence for me when all is slipping away.

I'm thinking of you and sending you soothing, healing energy. It will pass, it always does.:hug:

 

[Jane.l]

I go into melt down when my T goes away and 5 weeks is a long time are you able to email at all ? Have you been able to put together any kind of plan to cope while she is away ? Does she know you feel this low ?

 

[NovemberStar]

Thank you your support. I've taken my night meds so will be able to fall asleep very soon.

@Mystery. Where I am we have the Health and Disability Commissioner - an independent body that investigates if breeches of the code of rights have been breached relating to health care.

It's not an easy decision to make because my complaint can be referred back to the service I'm complaining about (which would be a complete waste of time) or it can be formally investigated and if that's the decision, it could take up to 2 years to go through the process :-(.

@Jane.l - she doesn't know as it only really happened today that my mood has dropped so badly. I hope to see her in the morning (unless I'm called to work and can't make our appointment which I REALLY HOPE I can keep).. I will tell her and in the past she has taken me seriously and been very kind and supportive. Which I find so sad because it's so unusual to experience a kind reaction when I'm really struggling like this. The public system don't give a rats ass if you are very depressed - I've been turned away from even going in to see someone face to face at emergency psych when I've phoned feeling suicidal and unsafe. That left me feeling I cannot afford to take the extra risk (and be pushed fully over the edge) by trying to reach out to them for support. They may as well hand out guns and long ropes there they are so awful and unhelpful.

I know it 'passes' - what scares me about feeling as low as I am is that I'm finding it hard to hold onto that it DOES pass. It's a scary place to be :(.

I will go to bed soon and then I see my T in the morning. I don't have to look beyond that.

I can also phone and speak to my psych dr (who works at the same place as my T). I might need a med increase for the next wee bit. I just can't 'see' five weeks without my T. Being able to talk through things with her is what I hold onto when things are really hard.

I even find just about anything triggers waves if 'I don't want to do this anymore' - watching TV triggers derealisation feelings and I keep having the thought 'this life has been so awful, maybe next life will be better' (I sort of belief - hope - in reincarnation).

I also wonder if these feelings are directly due to the mini flashbacks I'm having - well not quite flashbacks - more of strong intrusive EMOTIONAL memories I know belong to the past but feel SO REAL it's like the original trigger is happening right NOW.

I wonder if this is how it felt after my mum died all those years ago. I was 10 years old and walked in to see her have a fatal heart attack. I was back at school within the week and 'carried on'. The springlike weather that is triggering my very low mood right now might be from that first spring after she died. She died in mid winter. I have glimpses of how depressing it must have been - or was - when just a couple of months later, the days were lighter, longer, warmer, flowers and nature coming alive and inside I just felt like the depths of a dark cold lonely winter :(.

 

[Jane.l]

I know what you mean about the weather bringing up strong feelings and memories - just like some smells - that can take you straight back to a certain place and time.

Do you think these very low feelings may be based on abandonment ? As in the loss of your mother and now you feel your T is a abandoning you - I know that's such a hard feeling to be with but you are doing the right things taking it in little steps - really good that you are seeing your T and will be able to discuss what's going on with her - hopefully that will make a difference.

 

[NovemberStar]

@Jane.l yes I think abandonment trauma is being triggered big time. I have many flashbacks triggered by thinking of my T going away - I'm taken right back there to childhood. The glimpses from the flashbacks don't give me enough to work out what trauma it is; I cannot cope with them - the terror that is there is so bad I just can't go there. But there is something 'there'.

My general feeling of 'safety' is also compromised by the spring weather induced flashbacks and suicidal feelings and thoughts - this morning I've had many flashbacks relating to more recent spring and summer events.

It's no coincidence these flashbacks are triggered by thinking 'what if' another big earthquake happens when my T is away'. The first major quake in a series of devastating and fatal quakes occurred Sept. 4th. The start of spring. I'm pretty sure the flashbacks I'm having this morning relate back to that spring and summer four years ago. It was incredibly scary, but what no one knew - what I had no idea of - was that there was much much worse to come, the following Feb. In the Sept. quake - no fatalities. I guess it gave me a false sense of security - our city had the same size quake as Haiti - hundreds of thousands of people died there and not one person died in our same sized quake. I felt safe - I believed out superior building codes meant it couldn't happen here. The February quake of course proved that vey very very wrong :(

Woke up feeling 'ok' - less severe depressive feelings - they have been replaced by sheer fear. I get so afraid and so full of FEAR, I have suicidal thoughts - ie, take my life to prevent another trauma from happening; because the fearful feelings are so bad.

It's more 'thoughts' than feelings so far today though - a bit more manageable. I will tell my T what is going on when I see her in a couple of hours.

 

[Jane.l]

I can understand why the earthquakes would be causing you a lot of anxiety - it's out of your control it makes you feel helpless - since ptsd these are feelings that really freak me out.

Are you worried about your T's safety while she is away or your own ? I am always worrying that something will happen to my T - sets off every Insecurity - hope your session helps .

 

[Mystery]

NovemberStar, all that you have described on this post is huge. Losing your Mother in those circumstances at 10 is such a profound loss and shock. It's totally understandable that you are feeling the way you are in relation to your T going away and I remember the earthquakes you are talking about well. They were big front page news here for quite a while my heart goes out to you.

I grew up from age 5 without a Mother. Mine was alive though I didn't see her. My Father became my Mother. I consequently only ever learned the 'male' way to think and generally go about life. This was both a strength and a terrible disability, that I only realized much later in life. My T is female too and she is like the Mother I've never known and I realized that I have began to internalize her in a way that is healthy for me. I think sometimes 'What would she do/say' in relation to a problem or thought I'm having. I suppose this is what people with Mothers do.

I've also mothered 4 kids of my own. Every one of them went through a stage when they were young, of being upset about what would happen if I died. For kids with 'normal' development, it's a natural stage to go through. I haven't been able to get to the point with my T that you have yet, of attachment. I think that's because I was never attached to my Mother from the beginning. I experienced no loss when my Dad and I ran away from her.

Our T's become new attachment figures that we work through our delayed developmental issues with, including fear of loss and a separate self concept to our attachment figure. Average kids also go through a stage of separation anxiety. I think you are right when you wonder about whether you are dealing with stuff after losing your Mother and the grief you weren't able to process during that Spring.

I did a lot of reading on attachment and brain development this year and although I'm not a qualified person in that field I have read a great deal about normal childhood development in an attempt to work out what went wrong with me. The widely accepted theorists in psychology re attachment and lifespan development, were John Bowlby (attachment theory) and Kohut who formed a theory of self object relations. Also Erikson's developmental stages is a basic psychology 101 for understanding how we get stuck at certain ages and the developmental tasks of each stage of our lifespan that must be resolved in order to move on to the next.

I got a lot of insight about myself and what I missed in life, reading about them. Wiki has a good overview of them. The pioneer of trauma therapy back in the 1800's was a guy called Janet said (Jannay). He was a genius ahead of his time, when people were getting labotomies in psychiatry, he was curing people. I know you are pretty intellectual, so that's why I thought you might like to have a read of them, if you haven't already.

I feel so deeply for you because I feel some type of loss of Mothering myself and can identify with that. I'm glad you are feeling a little more 'manageable' with your symptoms today. I hope you have a good session today. Thinking of you.

 

[NovemberStar]

@Jane.I yes I worry about something happening to her. I try to bury that fear - ignore it, pretend it doesn't exist. Any reports of planes missing or crashing next weekend will scare the hell out of me. I toyed with asking her what plane she is catching but decided it would make it worse - that if a plane does crash or go missing I can tell myself 'it's not likely to be her plane!' Even when she is in the same city as me and I hear news of a fatal car crash I worry it was her killed :(

@Mystery yeah, the quakes made international headlines for a while - especially following the fatal one. I'm reminded very week as I have to drive around the CBD and see the destruction. Over 1,000 buildings have needed to be demolished - in a city with the population of 400,000, the CBD isn't that big so it's very very noticeable, the massive changes in the landscape. Sometimes I get flashes of what it used to look like; and even today as I drove past the cathedral in the heart if the city, I found it hard to believe it actually did happen and this is the 'the new normal' :(

I have previously read some of the things you've posted - I can't right now as it's too raw. But I have in the past. It's one thing to read the theories and another one to come to accept it really happened to us and it is talking about US.

I'm in the large statistic if motherless daughters who did not go onto have children of their own. Twice as many women do not have their own kids if they experienced mother loss in their early life compared to the woman who did not.

Don't know if you've read 'Motherless Daughters' and 'Motherless Mothers' series written by Hope Edelman (sp?). Those books helped me understand so much why I am the way I am in relation to the loss of her. 'Letters from Motherless. Daughters' especially hit home.

Saw my T. One more session. Feel it's this awful bleak thing I have to go through. Guess I've accepted it. I told my T today that I hope it's like most experiences I dread, it's the anticipation that is much worse than the actual event.

I'm 'hoping' this time next week I will have got through seeing her for the last time for 5 weeks and then can start counting down to her getting back.

It's hard because I can't imagine her coming back - I can't visualise how it will feel. I can't look to mid September and feel 'oh wow she will be back it will be so good'.

Suicidal feelings better today - did talk to my T about them'. Thought I'd try see my private psych dr next week but it turns out she is away now for 2 weeks. Sigh.

Did some more on my complaint. Decided to leave it for today; if I do too much it overwhelms me too much. I hope to do more on it when I see the caseworker on Sunday. The hard part - going through my diaries I'd kept during those times my care was neglected. My complaint will have a lot bigger impact on those reading it if I can add exact dates and very fine details as I'd recorded at the time in my diaries. But understandably, it also has a huge potential to trigger up some very difficult emotions.:(

I hope to email the advocate in my city, with a draft of my complaint.

At least I am very clear that I DO want to go forward with it. It's taken me months to be sure - I really was hoping that if I let enough time pass, I'd see things differently. It's been between 8-12 months since things happened to trigger me to want to complain so it's definitely NOT a "'knee jerk"' reaction.

 

[Mystery]

It's one thing to read the theories and another one to come to accept it really happened to us and it is talking about US.

I'm in the large statistic if motherless daughters who did not go onto have children of their own. Twice as many women do not have their own kids if they experienced mother loss in their early life compared to the woman who did not.

Don't know if you've read 'Motherless Daughters' and 'Motherless Mothers' series written by Hope Edelman (sp?). Those books helped me understand so much why I am the way I am in relation to the loss of her. 'Letters from Motherless. Daughters' especially hit home.

I agree on how hard it is to transfer the head knowledge into an actual grasp of it being our/my personal reality. It seems to dawn on me in smaller increments after I take in some new knowledge or insight from therapy. That's all I can seem to manage.

I have read Hope Edleman's first book in my twenties, so 20 years ago. I recognized myself in in all over. I haven't read the other ones though. It's the one really deep thing I don't like feeling and the thing I avoid the most. There just seems no point to that one for me, it's a thing that can never be fixed. I fear that if I allow myself to feel it I just have nowhere to go.

I was very lucky to have a daughter as my first child. Our relationship doesn't have the usual parent child dynamic. I can't quite explain it but the nearest I can get is that we share all our parts with each other's parts. I had her when I was 17 so we grew up together. We both got traumatized together too. Now she is 28 and we share this journey together with an amazing bond, I don't think it's like most Mother/Daughter relationships at all.

It's good to hear from your other posts too, that you are feeling somewhat more towards balance and I'm glad you are taking the step of time off, even though I get how much of a big thing it is to do, as well as a statement on your wellbeing to your colleagues. My full respect to you for setting the bar so high for yourself, I also find it inspiring.