Sufferer Thought I Was Okay, It Just Won't Go Away.

[toile]

Attack was SEVEN years ago - so much therapy and meds. I thought things were better, thought I was okay. Brief conversation with my husband last night and I was right back there. Living it all over again in that part of my brain that just doesn't seem to be able to heal.

Now, I'm back to the hypervigilance. I work at home, alone all day. My back is to the door of the room and I can't work at all unless it's closed and locked, still I'm scared.

So I created an account here. My husband is wonderful, but doesn't know what to say and struggles with my venting - he wants to fix everything, bless him. I need a community that understands and there are very few group options available where I life. Just creating the account made me feel more hopeful.

 

[Mary Loreto]

I understand. When I was in group I would always sit in the corner so that I could see everybody. The other day I was in a car with my eyes closed and I heard a man's voice. I immediately sat up and would not close my eyes anymore. Also my bed has to be in a place where nobody can get behind me, it's where I can see everything. I am sorry you are going through this.

 

[Chava]

Even on a perfectly good day, I do not like my back to the door. I can really relate to taht. I assume you've thought about it and I know it's hard with things like windows and outlets, but there must be some way to change the angle of your position in your office so you don't have that feeling of your back to the door all day? Just a thought.

Welcome to the forum. I hope it's helpful!

 

[toile]

When I think about it, the back to the door issue is really a self imposed issue. I hate to admit that I might need to move my desk to cope, but really it's a small change. I'll start looking for options! Thanks you two for validating that issue. Baby steps! :)

 

[Chava]

Don't feel weird about it...I think that's actually a pretty big issue! Good job looking for other options...hopefully you find something more comfortable. Even with all trauma and hyper-vigilance stuff aside, your back to the door is probably negative feng shui or something :)

 

[franciemarnie]

Ditto on your back to the door thing. I had to buy a little laptop so I could sit where I could see the door.

It is no failing. It's your primitive brain sensing danger (from bring triggered) and is trying to protect you. You cannot speak to the primitive brain because it only understands sensory information and not words and thoughts. Poor little primitive brain. It tries to help, and has no idea it's causing difficulties.

Welcome to the forum!

 

[Underdog]

Welcome.

I get what you are saying for sure. I always must have my back to a wall so no one can sneak up on me and so there isn't activity behind me.

Also, my own issues resolved 2 years ago and I figured given time this condition (intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, memory and time loss, hyper vigilance, etc...) would all just dissipate. The more serious parts like memory and time loss did to away for the most part, but the rest is still hanging out, albeit not to the extreme it was. Then a few weeks back an event brought it all back like I hadn't experienced in two years. It just made me truly realize that while things are getting better, for me it probably isn't something that will just go away given time.

 

[toile]

This may be the wrong subforum to ask, but does this every really go away? I have gotten SO MUCH better over the years, but is it possible that this is just who I am now and occasionally I will have to deal with this? I guess I'm looking for a cure :)

 

[joeylittle]

but does this every really go away?

Common knowledge would say, technically, no. You will always be someone with PTSD (if that's your diagnosis, I'm assuming it is); however, you can put your symptoms into remission and maintain a symptom-free (or close to it) life.

And then some science would say that the more and more you do so, the likelier it is that you can change your hardwiring, so to speak, and re-structure your neurology due to the plasticity of the brain and it's cognitive function. Not everyone agrees, but I think it's a nice idea and not entirely impossible.

The best, realistic thought (to me) is to know that you have a disorder, and you always will, but you can work it down to a low- or zero- impact. It's important to maintain all the skills you learn when working it through in the first place, and always allow your mental health to be part of your overall picture in terms of what about yourself you value, care for, and support.

I'm glad you're here. I hope it helps!

 

[toile]

I can't thank you enough for that response @joeylittle ! Really just accepting that it might be a 'no' is a big deal for me. I need to work on being okay with a no on that front - I do like to fight with the bull! :)