My Husband's Coming To Therapy And I'm Freaking Out

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I am voluntarily bringing my husband to a therapy appointment tomorrow. I made this decision as a way for him to understand how to support me better and for him to get some of his own questions answered. I felt sure it was the right time (I've been putting it off for a long time). I mean I just told him about DID and the sexual abuse so I figured if I could do that, I could bring him in to my appointment. Each day since then I have been freaking out and today I am a mess.

I have been e-mailing my therapist about topics that I do not want discussed. I told her that the details of anything she knows about my sexual abuse are off limits for discussion. Today I asked my husband if he had specific questions because I could e-mail them to my therapist ahead of time. He said he basically wanted to know what to expect in the short-term and the long-term and I pressed for more and he said he wanted to know how to support me, what's normal, and when he should be pushing me. And suddenly I felt like a child. I felt like the kid who has done something wrong and whose parents have to meet with the teacher.

I am not going to cancel the appointment because I know it is important, but now I am thinking maybe I don't want to be present. Maybe it will do more damage if I am there. But I wonder can I trust enough that they will stick only to the approved topics. And I e-mailed my therapist one more time and I feel like she's going to get annoyed so I am even more of a mess. I am also a mess because I have an appointment with my new doctor tomorrow morning. So right now I am living in freak out mode, but trying not to show it because I don't want my husband to know how much I am freaking out.

 

[littlelostchild]

I was freaked out the first time my hubby came in to my therapy session. It was really helpful and he has been coming with me ever since (I'm not suggesting this for you). What I am saying is that in order to best support us, it really helps that they understand about our distorted perceptions and where we come from. My hubby now does not take things personally that he used to, now he will ask me questions to see if it is just my distortions, which it usually is. He has so much more patience and understanding.

I know things will go well because your husband loves you. I also know that you will feel anxious about having him come with you.

Be gentle with yourself.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

It was really helpful and he has been coming with me ever since (I'm not suggesting this for you).

I already take too many "people" (parts/alters) to therapy with me, but I do know that taking my husband is important. This is the first time and perhaps not the last time. I just have to get myself past the freaking out about it, which may not happen until after it's over.

 

[Friday]

If you've sent 5,000 emails... No worries. It won't be annoying. It will be a giant waving sign that says "I'm really nervous about this, be gentle with me, and very very careful." that she can't possibly miss. That's good for your T to know. Telling is just so much less effective than showing. Consider it a kindness. You could have blindsided her by just sending one email saying you're nervous, and in the other details it could be missed.

 

[Lucycat]

I cannot imagine Rory accompanying me to a therapy session. It is my therapy. If he wants a question answered then ask me. If I don't know the answer I will find out and get back to him. I don't think he would ever ask to be with me, or want to be. I find this very strange actually to have a third person in the room.

 

[Suzetig]

I'm with @Lucycat I can't imagine my husband coming the therapy with me. I can see how it might be helpful for him, I'm dealing with long standing sexual and physical abuse which definitely has impacted our marriage over the years but therapy is my safe space and I couldn't imagine him being there. I commend you for you're bravery and trust your therapist will help keep things feeling safe for you.

 

[amy4k]

Shortly after I was diagnosed with DID I took my husband in for a joint meeting with my therapist. I didn't think it would be too bad because it was just so she could explain it to him. Boy was I wrong...I dissociated through the whole thing! And, really we didn't discuss anything specific to my traumas. A couple of weeks ago my husband went back for another meeting with my therapist at my urging and this time I decided I did not need to be there. Yes, I was a nervous wreck and yes I sent multiple emails about what could and could not be discussed. My therapist was very understanding and calming...she got that to me, my husband was coming into my safe area and of course I was going to be a wreck about it.

Both meetings were good. Good for my husband and good for me. And, I will urge my husband to go back again in a few more months. It is important that he can ask and have questions answered too. Will I go with him? Not in the near future, but hopefully down the road I will be okay with seeing him in her office.

 

[Springer80]

Hi, you should contact First Person Plural in the UK. With the help of the European Society of Trauma and Dissociation they produced a DVD on D.I.D for health professionals and supporters. It's about £15. Well worth it though. An organisation called MIND here also have information booklets on people on the dissociative spectrum. I really think they would help you and your husband.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I did marriage counseling with my husband and it changed our lives for the better.

I wish he could have gone to a therapy session with me in order to learn about the process and give him better answers to questions.

I wish you the best. It sounds like you have covered all of the bases in your therapy session with your therapist.

 

[GWhizz]

I've brought my partner twice. It was so daunting the 1st time as I didn't want specific things mentioned, though my T was very respectful and just discussed how best he could support me and what his needs etc were. The 2nd time was a little harder as my partner knew a bit more and my T wasn't too sure how far to go into it with him, but she asked me if it was okay to discuss it and I said, 'no, I'll leave and you two can discuss it without me'. Of course they didn't do that but I was freaking at that point. I don't know how helpful it is for me at this point as my partner is in the dark about so much still. Though I would imagine your T will not discuss anything that you do not wish to and which is not intended for your benefit primarily. She is there to help you number one. Of course your husband is a big part of the equation but he needs to be patient. I think it's a great sign of his support for you that he is taking this step and just being there with you in a session - you may find it helps him better empathize with you. I think the hardest thing for my partner is feeling left out at times. Like he feels I tell this stranger more than him. But when he came with me he got to see just how hard and painful even that is for me.

I'm really proud you're taking this big step. Best of luck

 

[shell]

One of my therapist requested to see my husband without me so he could ask questions and really understand what I was going through and how to best support me. He also helped my husband to understand how best to explain it to my son.

I was really paranoid that they were going to have a good old laugh behind my back at how pathetic I was, but I am glad I didn't attend with him. It was really helpful for him, and for me in that he also could give my therapist and indication of where I was really at because I wasn't really as open as I should have been. There were things he discussed that helped my therapist to see how badly I was functioning in daily life in comparison to years before, and how restricted my life had become.

My therapist never revealed any details of my trauma to my husband, because that is confidential and I hadn't given him permission to discuss more than the general information.

I understand your anxiety, but it can be a positive experience. I am glad I wasn't there.

 

[ISupportHer]

I trust that all will go well when your husband goes with you to a session. I was invited once or twice for half the session.

I read comments above and NOW I feel I understand, at least in several ways, what you all a sufferers feel as fears and concerns about your partner attending. I can't speak for others but I think now that I was so scared early on that it was hard to see anything clearly, LOL.

Lots I could say here but not enough time right now. Yes, I see now the whole "It's YOUR therapy" concept now. Will re-state what I have said many times here in that the partner has to come to understand their own feelings and how they are impacting the situation, intentionally or unintentionally. additionally, the fact that, in most cases, going WITH your partner is not possible but that doesn't mean that a partner can't seek help and guidance on their own.