Ptsd And Work: How Do You Do It?

[Dana1010]

My PTSD symptoms started around last Christmas and since then I've been working part time at a relatively low stress job. If I'd had to work full time throughout this period, I frankly don't know how I would have pulled it off. I've been in therapy for a month and am doing everything I can to work through the symptoms and stabilize. The problem is I'm about to transition to a full time, high stress job and and have my personal time for healing ripped away from me and replaced with hectic, probably triggering, situations day in day out.

I have found all work related matters to be really triggering for me - anything to do with proving my competence sends me cowering into a world of flashbacks and shame. I have been trying to get personal work projects off the ground for months and have gotten nowhere. I will be at the computer trying to focus and it's like a gaggle of past tormentors start hovering over me telling me, you're too stupid, you'll never be successful, stop trying, you're not meant to be among successful people. It's almost like they're smacking my hand away from the keyboard sometimes - I just wind up aborting whatever I'm doing like, "Okay, you win, just leave me alone."

When I first decided to seek therapy, I thought I'd wind up on medication like Valium because I didn't think it was possible to start working full time unless I started taking something. I wound up doing SE therapy, and I've heard that sedation prevents the discharge of trauma so I have to duke it out sober.

How do you guys get through a full time work week with everything going on inside you? How do you not lose it in a job that practically requires you to be stressed out? Does anyone else have voices telling you how incompetent and stupid you are; that laugh at you like you're a clown? How do you prevent being triggered?

 

[Privateer]

I don't. While I'm on duty at the coastguard practically everything is a trigger and I have no effective way of dealing with it beyond just trying to keep my face straight and the tears in.
I'm not sure how much longer this can go on.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't have any advice for you, but want to say "good luck." I am a bit concerned that you're hearing voices, though. Is it necessary to go back to full time work right now? (I know not everybody has a choice)

 

[Dana1010]

@Solara, I would say it's beyond necessary; it's past due. Also, I don't actually "hear voices" in the schizophrenic sense. It's more like I just feel the presence of these people and am guessing what their thoughts would be if they could see me. I'm just clarifying, not downplaying. It is extremely disruptive, to be sure.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Dana1010 work actually helps me refocus my mind on something other than my PTSD. I work a couple of hours in the morning then take a three hour break the go back for a couple more hours. I messed up my schedule twice in the past two weeks and really pissed off some clients. One fired me. I'm not perfect, I don't expect perfection from my clients. For instance I don't charge people that forget their appointment. I am self employed which is critical for adjusting my schedule if need be. But seriously, work gets me out of my dark place and I enjoy the company of my clients.
I hope full time will be doable for you. I'm sorry it is high stress. Best wishes. Be sure to take your breaks and lunch!!!

 

[Dana1010]

Thanks, @KwanYingirl. I guess I'm still in the hiding phase of PTSD. I'm intensely agoraphobic, so I certainly don't enjoy my clients. It's more like I'm holding my breath until they're out of my face. I hate being out in public, I feel exposed and under attack. I wish I could get to a place where work could be an escape for me - I so want to be that type of survivor. However right now trying to show competence at anything is one of the most triggering activities for me.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I definitely have agoraphobia too. When I first started out I was a wreck learning to run and build a business. I only have to work on one person at a time. I am grateful that my work helps me feel useful and important to people. Some days I just want them all to go away. Over time I have the ability to get the work done. I am lucky I can take a few hours to come home and take a nap. Try to just take the day one person at a time. If I have a day I've booked too many people ( because I am a people pleaser) I start the day in panic. Once I'm in the zone, my anxiety drops away. I hope you get good benefits from your job. The money will help I'm sure. Try not to worry if your mind drifts to the agoraphobia make a mental gratitude list. Only let positive thoughts rent space in your head. I have Xanax on board to help me be able to work. Also Geodon which is an atypical antipsychotic that helps my anxiety too. Do you have a psychiatrist helping you with your symptoms?

 

[Dana1010]

Do you have a psychiatrist helping you with your symptoms?

I'm seeing an SE therapist who does not write prescriptions. I'm going to have to ask her if she sees a place for medication in my therapy and whether she should refer me to someone, though I'm pretty sure with SE, meds are out because they don't allow discharge.

I wish I could find a job where I just don't have to deal with people, period.

 

[Emma13]

I don't want this to be a deterant for you, but I've been at a new part time job for a month and a half and I am considering quitting. Like 98% sure I am giving my two week notice when I go back to work on Friday. My employers don't know I have PTSD, but there are things that happened at work that triggered me (all I got was a lackluster apology) that have made me physically ill, and caused my worse symptoms to act up.

 

[Dana1010]

@Emma13, I don't blame you. I would love to stick with part time (or nothing, actually) but it's just not practical. I doubt that I could qualify for disability and I don't know what other relief is available for people like us.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Dana1010 would you consider going to a career counselor to research jobs that would meet your needs and desires?

 

[Dana1010]

@KwanYingirl, I never considered that before and I don't now if there are any in my area. I guess at the end of the day it still comes down to what you are qualified for, right? Nothing they can do about that. What exactly do they do? Do they simply advise or do they offer placement services?