Sexual Assault Am I A Monster?

[Mercy]

I agree with the concept that a child who harms anyone before 1st grade is acting out the same things that happened to him. 6 is younger than the age when children can tell right from wrong. For example, Catholics do not give children communion until they have studied it. Their first communion is usually age 7. Your having continued your renacting of sexual trauma.

Sex has been a part of my life as long as I can remember. I would sexually abuse other children my age. I remember before I started school, I would not explore other children but would do things that were very harmful to them.

I'm not sure what you mean by explore or sexually abuse? If you can, please let me know what you are refering too. Very often in therapy, we learn to think differently about our 'doings'. Children almost universally choose to blame themselves. Often that blame is misplaced.

I tried to talk to my therapist of eight years with but she would just tell me that was because I was abused. I dont remember this happening to me. I am wondering if I was just a monster as a child, looking for attention where there was none in my home.

You may not have known right from wrong but that does not make you into a monster, especially when you were a child. I can understand feeling like some part of you is a monster. I have felt like that. In therapy, I would be scared of talking about it because I thought that the monster would come out. It turned out to be an angry little girl who had been very badly hurt for a long time. She thought she deserved the abuse because she was a horrid, filthy prostitute. Making ourselves guilty for the things that happen is a natural responce to knowing you can't survive if you gave the blame to a caregiver.

When my mother’s husband trapped me in the back of his truck and started to feel me under my clothes, I became scared. It was happening to me instead of me doing it to someone else. I didn’t want this gross man touching me. He reeked of alcohol. I never touched another child again.

Very Good. You can be happy with yourself that you stopped touching children forever ( before puberty?)

I told my sister about this happening and she told me that she believed me because he has done the same to her. She lived on her own and had a child of her own. I was 10. She kept me with her until she realized that she could no longer afford to support two children on her own. She sent me back to my mothers house and told them that I was lying.

When I was 17 I was raped by my lover’s boyfriend. I pressed charges against him and went to the DA. They handed me the reports that my family filled out and everyone of them told I was lying and being manipulative because I was jealous of the relationship my girlfriend had with him. The DA told me there was nothing that could be done. He walked free.

It is so hard to learn to truely believe yourself completely. It can take years. Twice you did the right thing by going to the police. Twice your family said you lied. How devastating and destructive their actions were for you.They distorted any sense of who you really were. Denial that hurts the child is inexcusable. No wonder you question monster feeling stuff.

I have always wondered if this happened to me because of all the children I had abused. I can no longer be intimate. Whenever I get real close to my wife, I start to have flashbacks of being raped and me hurting others. I can not move past this and I would like to have a healthy relationship with my wife.

I don't believe that you were raped at 17 as a punishment for the childhood things you did. Since you began touching before 1st grade, you were too young to know right from wrong. Catholics don't give children communion until they can understand right from wrong. When they know that then confession is possible. Here in the USA the common age is 7. For you to be touching younger than the age of reason and continues just means you had established a pattern before that.

You are very brave to come to the forum. We are here to listen without judgement. Maybe you might get some clarity if you set up a trauma diary. It can only be read by members only or you can set up a private diary with Anthony. I don't know how to do that so please go to the help desk and they can tell you more about it than I can.

 

[Bookoffee]

To adress the first few questions, abusing was probably not the right word to descripe what happen when I was 5 or 6. I have cloudy memories I dont think I was attacking her as much as playing inapproatly.

This is so overwhelming. I thought I was alone. I will look into the diary. That will be very helpful.

Thank you

 

[Mercy]

All children have sexual curiosity. I can remember my brother and his friend having pissing contests into our little stream and wondering what would happen if they tried the old vacumn. We had to throw that one out.

The girl cousins looked at each other just to see what was down there and everybody looked at rear ends. We called it playing Doctor.

Our favorite joke was,
"What would you do if you won a million dollars?"

"Buy a new fanny because mine is cracked."

I have learned this is normal childhood curiosity.

 

[Bookoffee]

The memories are cloudy but it feels wrong. I feel like it went beyond curistory. It went beyond looking and even touching.

 

[RussH]

@Bookoffee I am a christian, and as such I believe that a loving God exist, and does oversee the universe. What I don't think, or believe is some cosmic justice that requires an eye for any eye. So, I do not think your being abused has any direct, or indirect relationship to you having played in an inappropriate manner when you were a child.

Please do not see this a you being punnished; it was your mom's boyfriend acting in an abusive manner.

I also cannot think of a single place in the bible where God calls anyone a monster.

You are not a monster, you are like all of us; all too human.
Blessings to you.

 

[Bookoffee]

I just wanted to thank everyone for helping me through yesterday. It has been on my mind for a long time. I feel as though if I figure out my memories, I will somehow be healed from this.

 

[rightkindofme]

I was a serial predator as a child. I had sexual contact with more than a dozen kids before I hit puberty. It was because I was molested. It wasn't because I was a monster. I was told to do it. I was told it was my job to "put out" for anyone who wanted it. I didn't know that the other kids didn't want it and I was forcing them.

I have had contact with some of them as adults and I've apologized. It is hard knowing that they feel that I raped them--which means I did. I am a rapist. But I was so young... I stopped before puberty too. I didn't know it was wrong.

This stuff is really complicated.

 

[RussH]

I am a rapist.

Respectively, I disagree. You are not a rapist. A rapist is commiting an act of violence. They are seeking to harm their victim. You were not.

You were a child, you did not act out as a way of excerting control of others. You were not trying to hurt them or victimize them. You were doing what you were told to do.

I am glad you contacted some of the other kids and apologized. I know you cannot change the past, but you did stop acting out, and you now reconize that behavior was wrong, and you have taken steps to rectify the wrong.

 

[Justmehere]

Kids with healthy parents are taught the boundaries of what is and isn't appropriate play. And for kids, there is a time of natural healthy exporting and figuring out how bodies work. Trauma can screw all of this up.

There is a reason kids under 17 in the US are considered legally unable to consent to sex - kids and teens are not developed enough to really understand what they are doing, even after puberty hits / and even more so before puberty. It's also part of why child sexual abuse is so devastating and can lead to all kinds of ways of behavorially acting out. Kids brains are not developed enough sort it all out. Sometimes they act it out in their behavior. It's hard enough to sort out that kind of abuse as an adult...

@Bookoffee - I can totally understand that it could give you more peace to remember more of your childhood and what happened. I also want you to know that it is also possible to heal even if you never do remember. There are several forms of therapy like somatic therapies that often can help with just this kind of thing. I do believe you can one day have more of the kind of relationship and interaction you want with your wife.

@rightkindofme - It is complicated and you are not a monster either. I'm so sorry someone told you that was your job. Ugh. That's horrible that they did that! That is what a rapist does. Not what you did. Kids can't consent to sex and kids acting out sexual stuff on other kids is so different than what a rapist does. Yeah, I do understand the kids you acted out on were hurt and didn't want it, but you were just as much of a victim as them. Like if an adult tells a kid to go punch another kid and the kid does it, we wouldn't blame the kid like we would an adult hitting someone. Kids are still learning to regulate and how to be in the world and what is ok and not. The real perp is someone who told you to do that. I agree with @RussH. I don't condone what you did, but you were not a rapist.

It takes one heck of a good and courageous heart to seek to apologize like you did. It's inspiring to me really. The world would be a much better place if there was more people like you.

 

[Gloww33]

Please read all of this. I didn't like your topic at first and it made me have triggers and become very angry. I had a lot of strong feelings when I first read this. My first abuser was 12 and I was seven and I was raped. He doesn't get to play the age card and minimize my experience because he didn't know better. I thought maybe this does need to be discussed and maybe I could have some closure in some areas in my life. Kids that can't process sexual abuse and go on to abuse others as kids, I believe the first step is to take accountability it is never normal for a kid to abuse others at any age. End of story. Confessing and taking accountability is what helps victims heal, not trying to justify it. Saying your sorry means nothing if in the back of your brain your making excuses as to why you did it. You did it, now it's time to find answers and healing.....you took the right steps by saying your sorry, and I am hoping you are getting professional help......did your desire to abuse kids stop completely or do you struggle with this still? My first abuser apologized to me and I believed him, but his excuse was he was just a kid.....that made me angry like it wasn't that bad because being adult is worse....I didn't want an excuse, just an apology. I know my first abuser suffers terribly for what he did, almost as much as I suffer. He can't be intimate, and has become reclusive and withdrawn and has panic attacks, I know he was abused as a child, so he knows what I went through and he has to live with that......I forgave him because I wanted to, I saw his pain and he was sorry. YOU ARE FORGIVABLE AND EVERYONE DESERVES GRACE. It wasn't your fault you were abused and it is horrible and sad, just be careful to not use it as an excuse, but rather a foundation of getting help and healing. A monster is someone who doesn't get help and keeps doing it, doesn't sound like you are taking the steps to help yourself which is good. Again YOU ARE FORGIVABLE.....you have to forgive yourself first.

 

[Bookoffee]

did your desire to abuse kids stop completely or do you struggle with this still?

The children were the same age as me. I think I stopped when my step-father attacked me in the back of a truck.

.....you took the right steps by saying your sorry, and I am hoping you are getting professional help.

I want to apologize as I feel a lot of guilt over it. I have been in therapy for a while. I just started with a new therapist a few weeks ago.

He can't be intimate, and has become reclusive and withdrawn and has panic attacks

I can't be intimate either. It scares me, makes me feel disgust, hate and pain.


Thank you for sharing your story

 

[doesntmatter]

Listen, your not a monster. And I feel I can say this because I was a victim, not by adults (that i remember.....) but by a kid I was friends with. He wasn't doing something wrong and neither did you, I understand that it's how things can be sometimes. I forgave him just as I would forgive you. I wish I could give some input on the rest but I lived a very different life, different pains and such. But I hope it gets better and you are treated right.