What Do You Talk About?

[Kas_Can_Fly]

My PTSD has become an all consuming part of my life - it's always there and even if it doesn't define who I am, it does make a large percentage of me. With most people I have absolutely nothing in common with them and struggle at more than anything than very brief and simple niceties - and even those (like what have you been doing etc) can be a challenge. Even people I do have stuff in common with I'm so out of it from dissociation most of the time, I'm not very coherent. So do I avoid people entirely - but then I continue to do nothing and therefore have nothing to talk about - it's a catch 22.

It doesn't help that I'm actually bad at social interaction, sentences and banter don't come naturally, subjects run dry fast or seeing that the conversation's dropping, I end up going round and round the same subject aimlessly hoping one of us will change the subject and when it's me the change is so vastly they get confused! Recently I was reading an article [+ QuoteQuote and it says that sharing stuff (and therefore not being hedgy, defensive, overly quiet or cautious etc, etc) is a normal part of friendships and gives an example of an alcoholic mother as something that isn't a problem to share. But I feel that so much of what I am and have experienced isn't normal to share. So, what do you talk about?

 

[shimmerz]

I ask the people I am with about their lives with a prelude of 'Tell me what a normal life is'. They will ask me about my life/day but I will be hedgy and unless I know them well and they persist I keep turning the conversation back to them.

 

[Dana1010]

But I feel that so much of what I am and have experienced isn't normal to share.

I hear this. I have no friends. Whenever I think about returning to socializing, I just start to feel like it's a waste of time because trying to find a genuine person is like looking for a needle in a haystack. It's like, "You validate what I want to believe about myself, and I'll validate what you want to believe about yourself." A friendship of masks? No thank you.

I guess you should just stick to topics of little or no emotional content. Current events, politics, culture, the community. The worst part of the year for me is the Holidays when everyone starts asking what your plans are and where your family is. I just try to keep a low profile around then.

 

[arfie]

Ditto @shimmerz, sans the "normal" part. Everybody likes being noticed and asked about their lives. When I make the conversation about the other person, I don't have to take on the pressure of coming up with new topics of discussion. As a bonus, it helps me stay more grounded in the present. I am observing far more than I am probing my own being for clever topics.

 

[Friday]

There's a saying where I come from:

"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit."

I don't necessarily adhere to this philosophy (I'd rather sit in silence than Jabber on about nothing, most of the time, anyway. But voices get all creaky with ill use ), but it's a fallback position when I'm desperate.

Meaning I talk to strangers. (I also sometimes run with scissors and eat paste). When I'm with friends and acquaintances I'll talk about unimportant things, when very real things are what I'd like to talk about.

One way of doing this, I consider "practice". Pick something uninteresting to you. Not boring, just not something emotionally charged. Not something you're passionate about, long after, lust after, regret not pursuing, etc. Doesn't matter whether it's football, ballet, international politics, astrophysics, cats, BBQing, shooting, swing dance. Just pick something. And learn it. Start following it. Meet up with other people following it. Because it's not deeply important to you, there's a lot of freedom to screw up, view an individual you're getting to know through this interest as the twat they are and leave them in your wake (instead of staying because of their deeply meaningful interpretation of blah blah blah, and their importance in the field, and the blah blah blah of wanh wah wanh wanh waaa).

People always say (or at least I've always been told) to do the opposite. Chase your hearts desire, fuel your passions, etc. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. Go for it! For sure. But, if I need a place to screw up? To learn how to do this interaction thing again? There's also the saying about not shitting where you eat. If you're not doing things, because they're too important to screw up, or have too many memories or needs attached... Think laterally.

Go Seahawks!!!

PS... Ahem... I've never competed in American football -nor have any intention in working or playing in the field-, so I can really just dig it and enjoy it for its own sake. I can be a complete idiot about it, and ask stupid questions instead of sitting in tortured silence, and not care what a moron people who are passionate & knowledgeable about it think of me. So the whole durn thing is fun. Sometimes fun things turn into passions. But if they don't, or I just suck at it? No worries.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I have always avoided groups of people. I did ok going to an Irish bar after work with the ER group. Medicines a good field to work in for having things to talk about!! My PTSD went ballistic after my chemical injury ended my career and all my so called friends dumped me. I have three friends that know me for a long long time. We talk easily are all divorced with children the same age. They have stuck by me after my nervous breakdown. Deb sat all day in an ER with me when I OD'd. She told me later that when a nurse or doctor would come in the room, I would go into the fetal position. Bad times. Good friends.

This is a good thread for me right now. I am moving to a small beach Chattaqua community that has a rich cultural life with many ways to be involved. I am petrified to volunteer for anything. I want to make friends and have that sense of community but I don't have the skills to put myself out there. I might volunteer to pick up trash on the beach, then Annie can come too. I'll be reading all the posts to this thread.

 

[bell]

@shimmerz, curious, do people respond to that question well? Reading it, to me, it hints at either "ask me about my horrible life" or "tell me about your life so I can live vicariously and jealously." Why not just, "so what's new with you lately?" To me, your statement seriously opens up a can of worms that would make me want to turn the other way and not share, because there's a division in there and zero room for finding common ground from the get go and sounds like you're pushing people away, while saying you want them close.

@Kas_Can_Fly, I think you're having this problem for one of two reasons: either your brain is working so hard to process everything you can't connect or you've worked so hard you just can't. You can talk about the weather, compliment someone on their shoes, ask for directions, order a cup of coffee, baby steps to start. It gets harder the longer you let it go, so what about making a goal of chatting about the weather at the bus stop one day this week or something?

Some people will turn away after a quick word, but others will talk a mile and all through your bus ride. I suggest going slow and watching how others connect, too, as we're all different. It can become fascinating (and is a lot bigger than PTSD!) if you let it.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

An alcoholic mother is something to share? Ok, got me on this one. Maybe if she didn't traumatize you! I can say with 100% certainty that I avoid this topic, as my mom was an alcoholic as a kid, and I know my dad doesn't bring it up either (his mom, my grandmother, was an alcoholic as well). Maybe its because we both avoid alcohol like the plague and if you don't drink (at least in my redneck, white-trash neck of the woods) you are looked at like you have three heads and a spiny tail if you don't at the very least "socially" drink. Blah.

As for the socialization bit....I don't know anymore. I seem to be pretty crappy at it given that I can't always be counted on to be there for people and I get tossed by the wayside after my anxiety has gotten the best of me a few times. I gave up on social media (which is a misnomer, anyway) and I'm trying my hand at writing pen pals. Seems sort of odd, but I've met a few decent people. In a way it helps me practice my socialization skills from a distance.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@FridayJones I'm with you on football. Watched my son play for 14 years. Still don't understand a thing about it. But there's nothing more enjoyable than being outdoors in the autumn in New England.

 

[shimmerz]

Why not just, "so what's new with you lately?

@bell, thanks for asking for clarification. This is with people I know well (who watched the meltdown). So no, they don't see it as a jealousy thing, they get it.
For those that I don't know so well, I simply ask about them. If they ask what I did the previous day I wing it (usually reference work which is IT so most don't care to ask further).
For strangers, I will normally compliment them on something that strikes me about them and go my separate way.

I'm trying my hand at writing pen pals

This is a very interesting idea. Standing back but continuing to social seems like a great plan.

 

[ghotiff]

There are lots of books on how to do "small talk" and "conversation". I found those type books helpful. If you search those two words you will find lots to choose from.

The thing that helped me was to come up with phrases (the books helped) that would progress the conversation for the other person to talk more and are universal enough to work with any topic. Eg "that's so interesting". Obviously you need to be genuine.

 

[TonyG]

Sounds like me, I sit on my own at work as I either have no interest in others conversation or I am in my zone of empty space, I do seem to attract people like me,