Relationship Husband Pulled Gun, Threatened Suicide During Argument.

[Needadvicequickly]

Thank you all for the replies, especially those of you who have first hand experience with suicidal thoughts and are able to help me gain perspective.

I'm unsure who his therapist is, He only guess 1x a month for 30-45 minutes. I am tying up a letter, just to organize my thoughts. I know this has surpassed ME, but I want to be prepared for the fall out of me taking his guns and contacting someone to intervene. I do not want to do this, but i know I have to. I know I do, and it makes me so angry that he has put US in this position and then blows it off like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. We do not have any children, and quite frankly I don't think we should, ever, unless he does a complete 180.

 

[Justmehere]

Wow, this is awful. The more you say, the more concerned I am. Please keep you safe. His threat to murder police if they show up to help him is very serious. Another option is to contact a domestic violence shelter. They have ways to keep you safe from him coming after you or your family. They also have means to make sure he doesn't know you are even talking to them. While he hasn't physically harmed you, this is a situation that would fall under their area because of the threat of harm by your spouse to himself and others. They have options in how to handle all this with upmost safety for everyone and to get him help.

The police also have ways to safely handle someone who is so psychiatrically ill that he is suicidal and expressing homicidal intent towards any law enforcement would would come to help him. They know how to handle it and get him to help. The domestic violence folks can help you connect with them.

If you are considering a letter to his therapist that he may not see for another few weeks... That's not a bad idea, but I fear it could anger him and take way too long. It is good to collect your thoughts as well. But please talk to professionals before you share it with him. Action is needed, asap, for his own sake and yours, but with professional support to keep everyone as safe and as ok as possible.

I'm glad you are here reaching out for support and I hope you keep reaching out. Please please don't try to handle this serious situation on your own.

As far as the long term picture... I think your thinking on that is very reasonable. This isn't a stable situation to bring kids into. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please keep doing all you can to take good care of you. :hug:

Don't lose hope. I have a friend who had a husband become unsafe in many ways. It was very hard for her to see how bad it was and then once she did, it was hard for her to leave. She went through a season of grief. Her ex eventually got help, got better, and had a more stable life. She found someone new who was a much better fit to Rosie a family together with and they now have two little girls. I'm not saying you have to leave him but just that it it will be ok in the long run even if you do.

 

[Tinyflame]

I understand being suicidal, but it does not come 'automatically' with homicidal thoughts- never for me, & I am horrified for you. If anything, I would be horrified if someone found out. I have however been on your end, & threatened that if I stopped them they would kill themselves another, more gruesome way (there was alcohol involved). I was fortunate it was a knife not a gun. I think I managed to get it away, I can't remember, I guess I blocked it out. But not the car keys, I had hidden them but gave them up to stop it, so I guess they still had the knife. I am not going to repeat what others have said, but the first thing you need is safety for yourself.

My thoughts & prayers are with you. I am so sorry you are going through this. :(

 

[Needadvicequickly]

I'm prepared to leave if need be. I don't want to because, as a Christian I feel that divorce is a last resort and only admissible in cases of infidelity and abuse/abandonment. I do feel this situation warrants abuse in the very least and that his actions have shown he is abandoning our vows to each other and therefore, the marriage.

The thought of being alone sucks but the thought of being dead sucks worse. It's a no win situation and I'm afraid I will come home one day to find him dead, and I can't do that.

 

[Kefira]

I'm so sorry this is happening, but also very glad you're in a place where you can look at it somewhat objectively and take actions toward your safety as well as his.

Please keep us updated as your situation unfolds. And please also seek your own support. It's so very important to find people, professionals and friends and family alike, who can help you through this.

 

[BloomInWinter]

As a former paramedic, I never try to manage a suicidal person's distress myself. I am not a counselor, I am not their God. I do not have the God-like powers necessary to help them or change them.

Anyone threatens suicide in front of me means I call a professional. I will try to get them an emergency appointment at the hospital so they don't have to go through the ER, but if they will not agree to that, I will not hesitate to turn it over to the professionals. That is absolutely a medical emergency, and should be handled as such.

This is saving a life. This is the shortest distance between someone getting help or dying...whether quickly or via a long, slow, agonizing downward slide dragging loved ones down as well. Someone displaying a gun is always an emergency. Always. Screw the job worries...if he kills you, or maims himself, or kills himself, none of those other considerations will matter.

Once he gets help, it's likely he will eventually find a healthier line of work which no longer subjects him to that which hurts him. His quality of life, and hence, yours, will improve.

Pulling a gun is a deal breaker for me. Even if I have to remove myself from the house and go call a friend of his and the police to go respond to get him emergency assistance, that is what I would do. It is unfair to expect our loved ones to be our sole source of support. It is never ok to threaten suicide to our loved ones. Someone who is at that point is unable to make decisions in his own best interest.

As a sufferer, if I ever get that bad, I really hope my loved ones don't play co-dependent to me and allow me to traumatize them. Because if I'm ever at that point, I am no longer living in reality. Those who are should act according to what's best for my immediate needs for safety and get me the help needed to figure out the rest.

If it was me, I'd file a report with the police, and ask them to do a well-being check. But I would never subject myself to being alone in his presence unless and until he not only gets help, but that he builds up a history of being emotionally stable and able to tolerate & modulate his own distress.

You are under no obligation to go over the cliff with him if he chooses to stay in the raging rapids.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Hi. I just want to take a minute and echo everything that has already been said. Honestly, you should not be in that situation. At the very least he is being emotionally abusive and violently threatening. Whether it's 'only to himself' in the form of threatened suicide is besides the point.

I am concerned about your safety, more than his in a sense. His head is far from functional or rational and although he is suicidal, he has threatened homicide. Also, there is always that tiny spark of self-preservation in all of us, even when we are suicidal. It would not surprise me if that kicked in during a row and he turned the weapon on you rather than himself. It only takes a second.

I would not consider this relationship a duty anymore. Being with someone is only tenable when both parties respect and care for eachother. So far, he has shown no regard for your well-being. He isn't capable of it right now and there's no telling when, or if, he ever will.

All I can say is to urge you to report his volatile behaviour to a local hospital who would put you through to the mental health team. That, and sadly, leave. Not tomorrow, not next week, not next time he does this (there will be one) but now, before you come to any harm.

I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this situation. The not knowing how he will be from one moment to the next is abusive in itself. It puts far more strain on you than is reasonable in any relationship.

 

[Needadvicequickly]

Thanks everyone. This has been really good for me to receive feedback on this situation. No one in my life really knows, as I don't like discussing my marriage with friends or family, because they never forget.

I'm wanting to reach out to his friends who were also in the military, but I'm afraid they'll dismiss it as not serious or just a one time thing. Not saying they won't be concerned, just that I've noticed they all kind of "cover" for each other and their behaviors

 

[Justmehere]

I think your instinct on his friends not being the right folks to help him right now is a good instinct. It could be a cover, it could be their own denial that kicks in. The closer we are to a loved one in distress, the more likely we are to not see everything objectively. The more likely we are to be in denial or scared to take the steps needed. Even if they are concerned, they can really provide what he needs at all, and it could trigger him even more if they get involved. Maybe if they know a little of something, they can offer to spend some more time with him or just checking in on him. And once he gets into treatment hey could be even more of a support. There is also a sister site - mycombatptsd.com just for vets.

But I wouldn't go that route as a replacement for professional help for him.

Sounds like maybe your friends and family already have their own concerns that they are not forgetting? Maybe if you just share you are stressed about your marriage but don't want whatever it is that they are saying or doing that isn't helpful to you, they can be more of a support to you right now.

 

[Kefira]

You're also in control of when you want to provide them with information and how much, regarding your friends and family. If you have the pleasure of having people who will support you, go to them for as much help as you feel ready to ask for. It took me years to let my friends know how bad one of my domestic violence situations was. But they were willing to accept a phone call saying "I really need a place to stay, I'm not ready to talk about it but it's not safe for me here right now". The rest will come when it needs to or when you decide to disclose to them. For now keep yourself safe, and if you do stay with friends or family, just letting them know the two of you are going through a rough patch and it's important they not contact him, let him in the house, etc. may be sufficient for now. Particularly if you can find him help: hospitalization really does sound like the next step for him whether it's voluntary or not.

 

[amethist]

Contacting his friends and just giving them the "Can you help he does not seem right", could be good way to go. Not telling them he is suicidal, but just that he is not himself, could help.

Which ever way you go I hope it works out well I know only too well what it like to talk someone down from suicide, it's not easy and it's scary. I have done it a few times, when there was no help at hand.

Remember to keep yourself safe when he is like this. It can be one day he is suicidal and the next he'e not, its how PTSD can present itself.

 

[Needadvicequickly]

My family is ultra supportive of basically any decision I've ever made. My hesitation is that I don't want them to feel obligated in case he does harm himself. If I show up and say "I need to stay here" or "I need financial help while we separate", they'll do it no questions asked. I'm just not ready to let anyone in my personal life know that my home life is terrible. I'm a lot of people's support system and from the outside have a good marriage, so much so that I wouldn't be surprised if some people won't believe me if I told them what has been going on.
We are "good" people, we do fundraisers and always have an open couch or bed for friends who need help, we financially support some of his family members, we are really involved in our community. That's why making this break feels and seems so surreal. It's going to be a shock to a lot more people than just me! But I'm past the point of caring about that now, we clearly cannot work it out on our own. Lord knows we've tried and I swore to myself if he ever pulled a gun again I was walking... and now here we are.