Some Sort Of Nervous Breakdown

[Chava]

Feels like things have been going downhill since spring when I started having nightmares and felt like it wasn't okay to talk about them because they sucked so badly. I also had a harmful response from my therapist that she apologized for, and I felt good with that. But I feel like part of me was trying to deal with something that was really broken and felt like therapy wasn't the right place (so nowhere is). I understand my therapist is human, has limits, and is probably exhausted by my crisis. If I wasn't in therapy I'd still have crisis but not have to drag others into it.

I hate feeling like a vortex of negative energy. I avoid my friends because I don't have much to offer them most of the time, I don't assume people actually want to hang around me. I don't even have a sense of humor really anymore. So I don't have support for my real problems or my "self". I have no good lasting feelings anymore. I've lost some of my good experiences due to my own limitations and have had a hard time replacing them. And it feels like I should be better. My therapist seems to reinforce positive things well, which is really great, but I feel sort of lost or left to figure it out on my own when it's really really bad. I understand that to a point, but in some ways I worry it adds to my shame, desire to just disappear and never ask for support. And I want her to feel good, so I hesitate to ask why I feel like I'm getting worse...especially when it seems like she reinforces positive moments better and seems to be trying to gear me towards feeling good when I don't. I understand not dwelling in total helplessness, and she's helpful when I need to move out of that generally. But it's sticking lately (sort of progressively since spring). I feel really trapped with bad feelings.

I can't handle stress well. In the last week I've been spacing out, not sleeping, having jumpy heart arrhythmias, lots of pain and tension, and just feel overwhelmed, depressed, and sick of my life...very trapped. I find myself trying to be positive, or contain some of my stress, just to not feel like I'm burdening my therapist (I know this is stupid, but I really believe our connection goes to shit if I admit I'm falling apart...maybe there is just no direction for this and it's normal to feel lost and swamped through this process)....I also feel like I don't see her enough, or sessions are too short to even get into anything...like if we do I will be stuck in the middle of it, be warned I have five minutes to find a way out (I would if I could) and leave totally dissociated. More time isn't an option, which makes me wonder if it would be easier to stop trying to work through this and keep carrying around all these f#cking loose ends with almost no coping skills (I probably gained a few but they weren't strong enough).

I've barely been sleeping. Two hours last night, even with muscle relaxants. And wrapping my leg in compression tape today because it involuntarily tightened and spasmed so bad last night. I feel like I'm just going down hill. I'd benefit from more therapy maybe, but maybe also none. I can't deal with the stress. But also don't really feel like I can quit therapy or even consider different therapist. I'd be devastated and I don't have the energy. It takes me years to trust anyone (problem is I feel like they are tired of me by that point...I am sure I have sucked too much energy out of my therapist). I can barely function. Taking time to just focus on survival...eat, rest. But I'm at my stress limit. I can't make use of comfort feelings at all...only semi-safety feelings like clinging to a pocket knife. I want to stab my leg or set myself on fire (I won't). I guess I feel really lost, trapped, and nobody can tell me if this is a "normal" part of what I should go through. Is it supposed to keep getting worse before it gets better? How much can I take? I feel like it is too much. I feel like I should get better at managing stress through therapy, not worse...why I wonder if we bumped into something I don't feel safe with and am forever stuck and can't go back....like I was cut open accidentally, something remembered or trying to come up and be healed, but I am slowly bleeding to death. Sorry that's dramatic, but that's how it feels. I'm falling apart and so is my health.

Sorry if this is like a confusing blur of 100 different issues...I've edited a few times because I am having a hard time making sense or organizing my thoughts. This is the best I could do.

 

[arfie]

The best you could do was plenty, Chava. Small steps and big faith. In my long-time patient view, it seems to show a very high awareness level and your syntax is very cohesive. In my own healing herstory, awareness is the hardest and most critical step. I cannot change anything without first accepting it as it really is. During the awareness and acceptance phases, I always feel worse. I, strictly personal, believe that feeling worse is because I am dropping my defenses and feeling the realities for the first time. Frequently I find that I was feeling that misery all along. I was simply refusing to acknowledge it.

Whether that is helpful, or not, gentle support while you sort, Chava. Please be gentle with yourself and patient with the healing process.

 

[Chava]

thanks @arfie ....really makes sense. I feel like my old defenses aren't working, and a little depressed how stupid they were and how many years of life I've spent with them...but feel like there is nothing to replace them. So I have insane images like wanting to set myself on fire. Probably I've built some new coping skills, but the stress is just too much. And yes, awareness is painful...adding to hopeless period of fearing this is what it will always be like.

 

[franciemarnie]

You have got to tell your T what is going on. You said you want her to feel good, so you hesitate to ask her why you are feeling worse. You are paying her, a professional, to help you. No way she can if you hide how you are doing. Your job is not to make her feel good, though I remember feeling like that before I learned about codependency and understood that from childhood, I felt a compulsion to take care of others and exist as little as possible, be no trouble, be grateful for any kindness or assistance.

You are number one.

I am so sorry you are overwhelmed right now. Please tell your T all this. Please take care of yourself, be kind to yourself as you would someone you love. One foot in front of the other today. Try to do acts of kindness towards yourself. Try to do one thing you enjoy. Safe hugs if okay Chava.

 

[Hope4Now]

I guess I feel really lost, trapped, and nobody can tell me if this is a "normal" part of what I should go through. Is it supposed to keep getting worse before it gets better? How much can I take? I feel like it is too much. I feel like I should get better at managing stress through therapy, not worse...why I wonder if we bumped into something I don't feel safe with and am forever stuck and can't go back....like I was cut open accidentally, something remembered or trying to come up and be healed, but I am slowly bleeding to death. Sorry that's dramatic, but that's how it feels. I'm falling apart and so is my health.

My therapist would say it is "normal." Your parts are really riled up. Somewhere under all of that is a compassionate and aware you...your core self...but your parts are making that hard to access. My T asked me the other day if I thought I was getting any better. I said, I suppose because I am aware of a lot more, but I feel a lot worse. I resonate with all your dramatic descriptions...I've used many of the same in my journal, and in my mind.

I'm sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed right now. Keep bringing breath to all those revved up and hurt and destructive parts of you...and let them know you're aware of them...and see if they are aware of YOU--you who are articulate and responsive and kind even in the midst of your pain.

I hope you can talk about your concerns about your therapist in a session. That's really important to do, even though it's hard. It seems as if leaving therapy would be a terrible idea right now. It seems like you need that face-to-face support, even if it isn't enough time (I leave pretty wrecked and dissociated most of the time...I never feel like it's enough time, and I see mine 2x week).

I am sending you wishes for strength and feelings of safety. I'm kind of scrambled right now so not sure what I've written makes sense but wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.

 

[Chava]

Thank you @franciemarnie ...my therapist has been very helpful and I don't pay her enough for the e-mails and non-stop stream of crisis. I have major work stress, get through that and realize my body has fallen apart, schedule a medical procedure to help something else...it's like non-stop what probably everyone deals with. My old coping skills just don't work anymore.

@Hope4Now thank you for that encouraging note. I wish I had more people I actually felt okay to talk to. It feels like non-stop wearing a functional happy face just to get by. As a kid, I don't remember crying...maybe once, vaguely, and I felt really horrible and ashamed for having my own feelings. I'm shut into the most interior room of my house right now (which is literal and metaphorical truth).

 

[arfie]

I feel like my old defenses aren't working, and a little depressed how stupid they were and how many years of life I've spent with them...but feel like there is nothing to replace them.

Those old defenses helped you survive some tough stuff, Chava. They are worthy of respect. The fact that you have outgrown them does not make them any more stupid than a child's tearful confusion. It only makes your growth spectacular, growing pains and all. Perhaps you don't have anything to replace them YET, but give it time. Replacing them too quickly runs the risk of acquiring junk instead of sustainable quality. Patience pays in the long run. To mutilate a Zen proverb, it wise to empty the cup before refilling it.

I have insane images like wanting to set myself on fire.

I had these images, too, during my early therapy. I grew them into a letting go ritual where I wrote out the whatevers I was trying to let go of and burned them in a campfire during deep meditation and honest, emotional inventory of the why and what which was written on the sheet I was burning.

 

[Anarchy]

Chava, a huge hug if you're accepting them at the moment.

coping methods, search youtube for: Audiobook : The Mindful Way through Depression - by J. Mark G. Williams.

It's good.

I know that when you're seeing the world through sh!te coloured glasses, it is hard to accept positive assessments.

The feelings are real, though they are not necessarily correct. In your case, and as the replies before me have already said, you are highly rational and show a rare level of compassion and judgement.

I'm a bit fuzzy headed (early stages of a cough and cold), so not on full form for writing. I'll be looking in and thinking of you. more hugs if you'll accept them.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I want you to know that I read your post. I can relate to some of what you've said. I know it's important that you know you've been heard.

The only advice I have is to talk or write to your therapist about how you are afraid of giving her too much too handle and hurting her. I told my therapist this the other day. She said that she can't do her job if I am worrying about her and trying to take care of her. And I think that's true. It's all mixed up inside, but she kept reassuring me that she knows how to take care of herself to keep from burning out and taking on too much. I think that you need to have that conversation with your therapist and let your therapist decide what is too much for her to handle. And if she says you're right, this is too much for her, then you'll have to make that hard change to a new therapist. And I know if someone told me to find a new therapist, I would absolutely fall apart. But I am wondering if your therapist, like mine, will reassure you and, therefore, help you to start addressing some of the many issues that are plaguing you.

I also had a harmful response from my therapist that she apologized for, and I felt good with that.

The other thought I had was maybe the rational part of you was good with that, but a part of you is still hurt. My therapist said something to me that hurt me and broke my trust a bit over a week ago. It was not meant to hurt me, it's just how I took it. She apologized, we talked through it, I was "fine". But yesterday, I realized I am not fine because some part of me is still hurt. Maybe, even though that was a while ago, it is still an issue that needs to be addressed.

Above all though, I want you to know you aren't alone and I think you're brave for putting these thoughts out into the world and at least trying to sort through them all.

 

[joeylittle]

@Chava, can you take some time off work and do a PHP or IOP? Just for 2 weeks or so? I've gone back into them whenever I hit a major downward spiral, and they really help me get the basic skills back in place - sort of re-establishing a mental health routine.

Taking time off is never easy - there's never a good time - so, knowing that - maybe my question is, would you have created irreparable damage to your job if you were to take some time off?

 

[Chava]

thanks everyone. @JEKBreatheandBelieve I should talk to her. I just can't e-mail her anymore, it's been like everyday. Omg, she should dump me. And she responds and then stops when I like really want to die. I suppose she doesn't want to reinforce my non-stop crisis, maybe, or something, but I feel like a real piece of shit then, like my worst feelings aren't even real...probably among my worst fears.

Numbed out a little bit on painkillers because I felt like I was being knifed.

@joeylittle leaving for a couple weeks isn't an option. If I absolutely wanted to destroy myself I'd find a way to make it work though. I've had lots of unhelpful experiences in hospitals though. I've said no to a bunch of extra things in the last couple weeks, quit a committee. It all makes me feel shitty actually because I do nothing but go to work...I've stopped most other involvement because I can't handle all of it. Isolating on one hand, while part of me is trying to take care of myself. I want to know if it gets better. I read something once about re-connection (or whatever the term) was part of healing from cptsd. I'm still disconnecting, feels like more and more. Nobody knows I'm even here. Okay, you guys do. I do have some working parts in my brain, not all extremes, but it's really really dark.

I tried to talk to my mom a couple weeks ago about how unhappy I was, thinking maybe we could brainstorm some ideas, and she was just too uncomfortable with me not feeling good so changed the subject to something lame and I played along so we could at least stay on the phone. It took a lot of guts to try to find a way to say I wasn't feeling good and there was just no place for even my buffered version. And I feel like my therapist also doesn't respond when I'm at my worst. I have asked her even, thinking she probably hates the e-mails, but she says she's busy. But only when I'm having a meltdown. Then she disappears. Not that she can't be busy, but the timing really changes, which makes me think it's a reinforcement thing as if I can just stop having meltdowns or like my panic is just for attention. No, I actually hate my life and can't deal with it.

I don't know why I do this to myself (reach beyond my bubble EVER)...I feel like I reach out and hurt more, but like I am just not making it well on my own. Wimpy. I don't want to do hospital but I need some sort of direction or goals. And positives. It's bizarre I can't access them, which tells me I'm just pretty depressed (I hate admitting that because it scares me...I used to be so suicidal), but also it feels like others don't respond. People respond better to me when I'm achieving awesome things and that's just another trap. It's not okay to just feel really really bad. Nobody wants to be around that.

 

[Chava]

p.s. I also realize I'm horrible at asking for help. I don't expect it so make sort of vague remarks to see if I get closed down or not. That and feeling like I keep up my minimal connections if I'm not a burden but try to survive the worst feelings all by myself. But also, when I try to be more direct, I don't get a helpful response, or none at all, which just makes me feel like I never deserved to live. I just feel totally ashamed of myself and that isn't getting better. Just a little worse. I don't know what I did wrong. I really wanted to do therapy and everything right this time and try to really let someone know more about me. I'm so yucky. I don't feel good.