Abusing My Dog

[Tripodar]

Its been a while since I posted on here. Things havent been working out for me.

But I'll get to the point.

I beat my dog sometimes, or I just feel the need to hurt her when she behaves irrationally. I am already in therapy. My doctor insists my anger is because Im bi-polar, and not because I was abused as a child and forced to hold in all of my anger. I first started getting this feeling when I was 12, Im 20 now. It happens suddenly, and then immediately afterwards I start to cry and I feel the guilt. I know what Im doing is wrong. I dont know what to do.

I cant get my doctor to listen to me, I know I am not bi-polar. Is this just part of my ptsd? I already do relaxation techniques, but it only keeps the feeling at bay, and makes the next episode worse. I try to distract myself from it, but I can't. So much of my life is affected by this because of my mother. Why do I have to suffer for her mistake? My entire life was displaced because of her. I dont know what to do anymore, Im trapped in my own skin. I feel like I should attempt suicide again. I dont know where to go. No one will help me, no one believes me, no one listens to me.

 

[bell]

Please surrender your dog to a local animal shelter. It has done nothing to you and doesn't deserve to be hurt. You know all the internal pain you have? You are causing that and physical pain for your dog. Please give it up.

Secondly, listen to your doctor. It doesn't matter what the diagnosis is or what caused it. All that matters is that you're getting the help you need and getting better.

 

[Sammyiam]

Hi Yutahji,

I have PTSD and my mum is the biggest arse in my life but I don't beat my doggies. I have three and because of my past I love them so much because I didn't feel loved and know how that feels, and if you have suffered as a child which you have, so do you know how it feels to be unloved. The good news is you are asking for help and know you have problems, you are facing your demons. Can you ask for help from family or friends, or a dog training place to try and help. Suicide won't help it will only make it worse and your dog will have no one. Are you in therapy and on medication for any of these problems ? Maybe you could try another Doctor. You have had this problem for a long time, you are asking for help which is so good, you just need to find the right place, maybe a helpline would know, it's hard as I'm in New Zealand and don't know the services over there. I know that you can do this otherwise you wouldn't have asked for the help. Anger is a huge problem for a lot of PTSD people, and everyone takes that out on different things and people and in many different ways. A lot of us on here suffer because of our mothers, they are one ones that are meant to have loved us and looked after us, but a lot haven't ...... You are not alone and a lot feel trapped in our own skin. Please get help for you and your dog, just keep asking until someone listens, don't let those demons beat you, you are not alone.


Sammy

 

[Ghostybear73]

I agree wiith both @Sammyiam and @bell. You are not alone, but when I feel displaced anger, I will leave before I hurt my dog. If you are unable to do that, then surrendering your dog may be your only option so it is not on the receiving end of your anger.

I would also get another doctor. If you don't agree with the one you have then it doesn't matter what is going on, you will have a problem healing.

Take care

 

[Justmehere]

I admire your courage to face this. It sounds like you and your doctor disagree on what the source of the anger is, and how to treat it? Is that right? Is your therapist a trauma specialist? I would highly recommend getting a second opinion if you disagree with the diagnosis of what the anger is about and how to treat it.

As far as your pup, I'm going to say what you probably know and is probably a very hard thing to face - but unless you can get your symptoms under control ASAP, you gotta find a new home for your dog until your symptoms are under better control. Your profile says you live in Colorado. I know people who work there with a humane society - there is an EXTREMELY high adoption rate for dogs in Colorado. It is so high that humane shelters in that state actually bring in dogs from other states to their humane societies. Your dog will have a good home.

Or, as a possible option, you could board your dog, or take her to doggie daycares, and work with a dog trainer, so that her "irrational" behaviors make more sense and so that she doesn't act out so much. But with the amount of anger you have, it likely fuels the dog to act out more - so you have to dive into treatment for you as well, and the second your dog is in danger of being harmed, you need to find someone else to care for her.

OR you can check yourself into a hospital, tell them your anger is so bad you are at risk of abusing your dog, and they may be able to find other option is to treat you and keep you until you are in a better spot. If your dog is not worth this trouble to you, then please find someone else to care for her. It does NOT make you a bad person to not be able to keep a dog right now. They are A LOT of work, even if not well trained.

Don't let what was done to you lead to your dog being traumatized too. It's not fair what was done to you - don't let the cycle of abuse continue and let your dog continue to be a victim too. Unlike your mother, you can take responsibility and protect your dog from the legacy of trauma.

You should also immediately tell your doctor that you are thinking of suicide and are abusing your dog. I know things seem hopeless right now, but they can get better. The first step may be a hard one - admitting to them just what you have had the courage to admit here. This will be hard, but it may make treatment much more effective. You can have a much better future ahead. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. :hug:

 

[Eleanor]

So much of my life is affected by this because of my mother. Why do I have to suffer for her mistake? My entire life was displaced because of her.

You don't have to suffer. You have to bear the pain, but resisting it NOW makes it worse. That is optional and it is suffering. AND clearly you don't want to beat your dog. You ARE a better person than that - and somewhere along the line you learned that you can/do get some relief from your own pain by inflicting pain on others. This is unacceptable to you, and to everyone else to. So the first thing to do is to make sure everyone is safe. Make sure you are safe. Make sure the dog is safe. You will feel a HUGE amount better about yourself when you actively care for both yourself and your dog.

I don't know too much about manic depression, but mania is not the same as anger as far as I know. If you feel the therapist T isn't listening to you, check this perception. What would it look like if the T did listen to you? Have you told the T that? What does the T do and say? What is the T teaching you to do to manage your own thoughts and emotions. You should have a number of different grounding methods and skills to practice.

Is your T a trauma therapist? If not, see if you can find someone who specializes in complex PTSD or developmental trauma.

I am so so sorry you are going through this, and have gone through so much already. It can get better. People heal. Often they heal a lot.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I beat my dog sometimes, or I just feel the need to hurt her when she behaves irrationally.

Seriously, consider giving the dog to someone who might love your animal into obedience. In my state, it carries an 1,500 dollar fine for "beating" an dog or animal.

I cant get my doctor to listen to me, I know I am not bi-polar. Is this just part of my ptsd?

Consider, a second opinion from a trauma therapist if you do not trust your doctor as self diagnosis is not a safe bet.

I feel like I should attempt suicide again.

Are you posting about suicide ideation? If not hotline numbers for US:
Call 24/7
1-800-273-8255

 

[The Albatross]

I beat my dog sometimes, or I just feel the need to hurt her when she behaves irrationally. ... I first started getting this feeling when I was 12, Im 20 now. It happens suddenly, and then immediately afterwards I start to cry and I feel the guilt. I know what Im doing is wrong. I dont know what to do.

First off rehome the dog. I would examine "I beat my dog sometimes or I just feel the need to hurt her when she behaves irrationally." It is a dog. I think what you may mean is that you feel the need to hurt her when YOU feel irrational. If you had first sign of this feeling at 12 and are now 20, you have graduated from the feeling to an animal abuser. To stop the behavior, I would not have an animal in my home under any circumstance unless or until I received treatment enough to be stable and low risk for indulging in an abusive behavior.

If you know what you're doing is wrong, do the right thing.

Other than relaxation techniques you obviously need some more coping techniques in your skill set.

I would also examine in therapy, the PTSD v.s. bipolar. If you're on meds are you med compliant?

I admit it takes guts to admit in your opening post you are abusing your animal companion. But what are you going to do about it? Rather than problem solve... you consider suicide? That is another reason you are not emotionally stable enough for an animal companion. Except maybe a fish.

 

[Justmehere]

Another idea, you can give up the dog and get a pet that is in a cage, like a chinchilla or rabbit or something - still soft and cuddly, full of personaility, and yet you can stick it in a cage before it overwhelms you to the point of lashing out. I know giving up the dog will be hard, but it's better than jail for you, or the dog being hurt. A lot of people get overwhelmed by dogs. I've volunteered at shelters and many people turn dogs in to humane society shelters because they just couldn't care for the dog anymore for one reason or another. Sometimes people get down on them, but I think they are very brave people for being willing to admit and face the fact that they can't care for the dog anymore due to whatever reason - moving, health problems, etc. The reasons run the gamut.

Most people don't hurt their dog, but if you are used to seeing someone lash out at you, then it makes some sense this is the way you learned to handle anger. Don't lose hope. Bi-polar or not, once you work through the underlying trauma, things will likely improve quite a bit! My therapist said she has worked with people who hurt other people, got into physical fights, and saw them able to turn their lives around and not get into fights anymore once they had enough tools under their belt, and once their trauma was processed and integrated.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Another idea, you can give up the dog and get a pet that is in a cage, like a chinchilla or rabbit or something - still soft and cuddly, full of personaility, and yet you can stick it in a cage before it overwhelms you to the point of lashing out.

Animal "abuse" is often a serious indicator and largely not indicative of the said animal. In all seriousness, a stuffed toy is also soft, cuddly and can handle a thrashing.

 

[The Albatross]

I don't think so. Mammals are off the table. In AA recovery, on some sobriety... we get a plant. If we can keep the plant alive for a year we get a pet like a bird or a fish... if we can do that, we get a cat or a dog... then if we are successful we start dabbling in human partner/romantic relationships. There is good reason for that - for people with substance abuse but also for people who are unable to control their impulses and act them out on other living things. There is a reason for that. A large number of SUDs (Substance use disorders) have underlying mental health issues that at that time was thought to need to be addressed post sobriety. Now it is presumably co-concurrent, but the idea is the same... do no harm. Learn, grow, mature then as you are able add in the relationship. Not project your emotional issues onto a living thing and then excuse yourself because your perspective says it is irrational.

I am though biased. I have had no less than 8 animals in the last 30 years... up to ten. Abandoned, feral, stray... three of mine were abused. Misha, Lady, and Elsa. Animals are not objects. Abuse, even to an animal is a criminal act. No pets until the poster is low risk.

 

[The Albatross]

Okay so... projecting anger in an abusive manner will get you consequences. Do you want more consequences or do you want to stop the behavior because I don't think I read that anywhere?

Don't blame what you are doing on your mother. It is you that is doing this to her. You. Now what are you gonna do about it?