Fired My Therapist

[Dana1010]

So last week I fired my therapist for three reasons.

(1) Her tendency to paint a pretty picture. I had told her in the past that sugar coating was not what I was seeking from therapy - there's plenty of that about for free; I don't need to pay for it. If you want to offer a route to recovery after you validate me, that's one thing, but she was skipping right past validation to, "let's pretend that isn't really a problem." It's like, you know you're talking to an adult, right? For example, I was talking about how I was robbed of my adolescence and the fun and freedom and romance of those years, and her response was, "Well, you can be like a teenager at any age. You can be as silly as you want." Really? Like that's a substitute. Also, at least validate that I was robbed before you offer some half-baked excuse for a solution.

(2) Sunday driving and always edging away from the trauma. One of our last sessions, I swear she decided in advance that we would spend the whole session on small talk and not do a minute of processing. I need my therapist to be the gas pedal - I'll be the breaks. I talked to her a little about this in our last session, and she said she had no notion of ever diverting the conversation from trauma, which I suspect was a lie.

(3) Giving me ordinary talk therapy when I signed up for Somatic Experiencing. I feel like she must have taken the S.E. course like ten years ago and barely remembers the instruction. It's just so much easier to sit there and chat, right? I thought her emphasis on "the relationship" and "building trust" was too old school, not results-driven, and an excuse to be lazy.

So far I haven't experienced much of a decline, though the first few days were sort of lonely because I realized she was the closest thing I had to a friend. I guess even if she was a lousy therapist, it's nice to think someone out there is trying to help you. I don't know when I'm going to start looking for a new one - I have to figure out what questions to ask this time. I'm wondering, what have you done on your breaks from therapy, what kind of therapy can you give yourself, how long could you go before needing to see someone again, etc?

 

[Chava]

I need my therapist to be the gas pedal - I'll be the breaks.

I've actually found the opposite to be true in some cases. I might be remembering wrong, but were you doing SE? That form of therapy is all about resourcing and safety first, and not going directly into trauma, but going into it somatically and somewhat indirectly (my description might not be the best here). Feeling triggered badly or dissociating or having lots of bad feelings is not the goal...it's more about gentle re-wiring of trauma responses and nervous system dysregulation. For me it's been a slow process.

That being said, feeling invalidating in any way makes it hard to go forward. And it sounds like this just wasn't a good fit for you. You might consider a different therapist or a different form of therapy. We don't do much talking in my SE therapy, just lots of centering on what I'm noticing in my body, following that in movement or trying to name what I'm noticing. Maybe your therapist has more of a "talk" therapy background with a SE license? Would you be able to find one who focuses mostly on the body approach? But no therapist is perfect, so it helps to let them know what helps you or what isn't working. It's hard for me to do that, but it's been more helpful, vs making assumptions of the therapy or just feeling like it was going wrong. I found a way to talk to my therapist. So it's still worth it. But I think I felt pretty good about it early on, and if you just have felt confused or like it hasn't been helpful it makes sense to look around. Just be clear on intake what you want and try to notice and be honest about what isn't helping (or what is helping). I was sort of surprised my therapist could read body language pretty well, but could not read my mind. I've also had to ask about the process some, but I'm more willing to just go slowly because I have a lot to transform. If you want tangible results soon, and feel like you can manage it, find a therapist and suggest that (whether SE, EMDR or something else). For single or a couple specific traumas, I've heard SE can work with fewer sessions and not loads of talk...though I'm not sure how true that is across the board.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

What have I done on my breaks from therapy?

STABILIZE! I kid you not! Therapy was a guarantee to throw me into a downturn, even if it was only for a day (or three). After years of the weekly roller coaster, I was thrilled to be getting off of it.

The flip side was that I didn't have that safety net anymore. Of course the hotlines will always be there (we have a good state hotline, so no worries on that front), and the hospital is five minutes away. My family is supportive, too. But, I knew that there would be other aspects that I'd have to deal with myself instead of turning toward a therapist.

I've also been able to put my skills to the test. Some of them have fallen by the wayside, and others have been strengthened.

But, in all, it really is a do or die sort of situation. You are pushed out of the nest and forced to fly. There is no one (and I really do mean no one) who can replace a therapist, so you've gotta do a lot of work on your own.


What kind of therapy can you give yourself?

There are a lot of self-help type books that you can use on your own outside of therapy. I know a lot of others have discussed using the DBT workbook. My personal favorite is CBT for Dummies & the workbook, etc that go along with it. I know there are other books you can use as well, but just be careful to steer clear of the fluffy type ones that will just make you frustrated as they're geared toward normal people who get sad because its Monday and they have to go to work, not people with deeper issues to work through.


How long can you go before you need to see someone again?

I'm going on a year+ now and I have recently decided to seek out therapy again. But, my reasons for seeking out therapy aren't PTSD based, rather, I need to work on symptoms that fall outside the scope of my PTSD diagnosis. I think that this can vary from person to person. I'm in a post-processing phase of healing, so that's why I chose to stay out of therapy for so long. I needed a break! If someone is more symptomatic and needs more support, then perhaps a shorter break would be in order. If you don't have anything to work on in therapy and you're functioning just fine, then you could go even longer without seeing somebody.

I think its important to have an internal checklist for when to seek therapy again. (I do the same for when I know my symptoms are bad enough that I need to go back on medication.) If you figure out this point in advance, it could help you from entering a really bad place. That is, if you feel yourself slipping, you could seek out help before things get really bad. Its always easier to prevent a bad episode than it is to recover from a bad episode.

 

[Dana1010]

We don't do much talking in my SE therapy, just lots of centering on what I'm noticing in my body

This is what I really didn't understand about her. I was always thinking, "Ok, how is this different than regular talk therapy?" Peter Levine's book, Waking the Tiger catalyzed my initial interest in S.E. and what we were doing in therapy was nothing like the stuff described in the book. There's only one other S.E. therapist in my area who takes insurance. I did a consultation with him and didn't click, but I wonder if "clicking" is that important if he actually knows what he's doing and can take me through somatic discharge.

What have I done on my breaks from therapy?

STABILIZE! I kid you not! Therapy was a guarantee to throw me into a downturn, even if it was only for a day (or three). After years of the weekly roller coaster, I was thrilled to be getting off of it.

Ha ha. Come to think of it, I've had moments this past week where I felt like I used to when everything was in the closet - and I liked it! :devilish: That said, I am still symptomatic and there are huge chunks of trauma that I didn't even touch with this last therapist. So I'm just not sure what to do now.

 

[Chava]

I never know if I click with anyone because I'm sort of in a shell for months (years, whatever). For me, they should be nice, not sarcastic (though my friends should be sarcastic), validating, pretty reliable, and that's about it. Since my bubble keeps me at a distance from even the most trustworthy of people, it matters more to me that I trust the process. So if you really are interested in SE, maybe give the other person a bit of a chance, like a few sessions or something. If he is able to guide you through the process in a way that feels less confusing, maybe you would click enough.

But heads up, I also don't find my therapy to be totally like Peter Levine's books or little clips I've learned about SE on the internet. It is a lot like that, those skills/tools, but it hasn't been a one-shot thing for me....like I start shaking, release some trauma, and my whole world changes. No. Some weeks I'm just going back and trying to feel safe or settled...and learning how to get there. Lots of regulation stuff. But it maybe depends on your own awareness of the trauma(s), memories, and where you are at right now in terms of being able to utilize it and also stay grounded. Sometimes I think I release something and it keeps coming back for a while...so more like pieces are letting go slowly, but I believe that's how it stays manageable and I don't have to go home and set myself on fire or anything too drastic. We can talk, and do talk and process stuff sometimes, but I like the mostly somatic approach. So far I have fewer panic attacks and feel less like I've disappeared and some other stuff has improved a bit, but it's subtle and slow-going for me.

My new insurance might not cover it and I think that's F--cked up because I don't know how I'm suppose to talk about trauma I was mostly unconscious through (too drunk, too far on life support, or too young to remember). I could sit in an office with a PhD in clinical psychology or a MA social worker with some bit of trauma training and stare into the corner and fidget with whatever little textiles are near me. I've done a lot of that. That kind of therapy works for many people but made me so much more disconnected because it felt like I couldn't be helped. But also many of my troublesome symptoms are very somatic. I wish the research on the body and trauma would get to the mainstream people faster! (SE but also other body and sensorimotor approaches...NONE of this in my new insurance network and that's just crap)

 

[Dana1010]

(SE but also other body and sensorimotor approaches...NONE of this in my new insurance network and that's just crap)

I think you should look for a "regular" therapist who takes your insurance and is trained in S.E. and see about just doing it with them. Maybe they won't cover an S.E. specialist, but will cover a therapist who happens to be trained in S.E.

 

[Chava]

Can't even find that (and am sure it would be a big let down). I think I'll just quit therapy. But I did make a call and someone at the insurance company is doing some checking. We'll see..

 

[StellaBlue]

The flip side was that I didn't have that safety net anymore. Of course the hotlines will always be there...

I have had a couple of really bad experiences with hotlines...they can (and will) trace the phone number...

If you don't have anything to work on in therapy and you're functioning just fine, then you could go even longer without seeing somebody.

I think my problem is, I am (relatively) stable and functioning until I go into therapy...then I destabilize...or if I don't destabilize, I obsess about therapy until my life is focusing totally on that.

think its important to have an internal checklist for when to seek therapy again. (I do the same for when I know my symptoms are bad enough that I need to go back on medication.) If you figure out this point in advance, it could help you from entering a really bad place. That is, if you feel yourself slipping, you could seek out help before things get really bad. Its always easier to prevent a bad episode than it is to recover from a bad episode.

This is very wise advice.