Marriage Falling Apart Due To Severe Ptsd

[jphillips90]

WHATEVER RECOMMENDATION I CHOSE TO GO WITH MAY BE THE ONLY BOOK/SITE/ETC MY HUSBAND READS. He doesn't understand it at all. He's become resentful, frustrated, angry, and bitter. He says things like "you need to just let it go" "Fear is a choice": "You've been going to pros for over a year...its been long enough that you should be better by now" "It's like I have three children to take care of now" etc...its destroying us. He works in the same town where my mother and her husband (two of my abusers) and years of trauma took place. He didn't like the thirty-five minute commute so he decided it was best for us to move back here. This town is REALLY small...so small that I have no choice but to drive/see locations where I was abused...what's worse is with one grocery store,,,one major road etc,,,I SEE them alot. It's really beating me down. It's making fighting so much harder. I try my hardest, cry, even beg to him to move back out of town. His arguement is that you can't "blame a town for your issues" and "you need to get to a point where it doesn't matter what town you are in because your over it" My husband is not a bad guy. He's just ignorant on PTSD,how to help, coping with it, etc. I feel like it's really unfair because with constant flashbacks, running into them and people (everyone knows everyone here) reminding me (ex.saying things like "I ran into your mother at X I really don't know how she sleeps at night") plus the embarrassment of knowing so many people know some of my trauma...I don't get a chance to move past it. You guys probably understand why all of this has caused me to stay at home now. Isolated I am not doing well. I guess I just think better to only be constantly reminded only by myself then be reminded by myself and this town etc. I feel so much sicker then I think I think I would be if given the chance to socialize, go out in public, etc, without any attatchments to my trauma. I don't know..I guess the bottom line would be: If you had to chose ONE book (or similar tool besides therapy) to help your spouse and help save your marriage what would it be? I'm hoping once he reads it it will click and he will use other tools after. Thanks, Jes

 

[Karen12]

Oh, wow, I can't even imagine. Do you think he would be willing to accompany you to a therapy session and discuss this with you and your therapist? That might be more effective than reading a book.

 

[anthony]

I would say to read this document at: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/understanding-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd.86476/ and that he needs to read it all. When a person reaches the end, they have the full scope of PTSD and supporter role. I don't cover ignorance in this document... but your stressor level is covered significantly, thus ignorance to them demonstrates your symptoms, mood and overall outcome day to day.

That document includes listing a supporter book (The post traumatic stress disorder relationship), the bible for supporters, and thus will give a simplistic view of PTSD and the role of the supporter, and then along with the book, if purchased, he will get the full scope.

 

[Seagreen]

I'm not sure if a book can save your marriage. It sounds like your husband really doesn't get it or he could just be exhausted. It can be emotionally difficult to support someone with PTSD. Having PTSD means you cant just "switch off" the fear. If you could none of us would be here writing in this forum! I completely agree with your need to get the hell out of that town. I think you should leave to avoid risk further jeopardy to your metal health, although it would probably be harder at first as relocating is very stressful but worth it in the long run. Having said that if your husband isnt willing to budge you cant make him. Since you don't want to go to therapy the only tools I can recommend are open communication, compromise and understanding from you both. The only book suggestion i can think of would be an autobiography by a male (as a lot of people find it easier to relate to their own gender) who has suffered similar childhood experiences to yourself. That would at least give him some perspective from a source other than you. Also it is very hard going supporting a loved one with ptsd. It helps to have a support network. Maybe he could join a group or forum such as this one for support and advice.

 

[anthony]

I also concur with @Karen12 in that a joint single session would help him understand that some of his ignorance / minimising will actually make you worse. You are actually correct, in that location to your trauma will by itself severely affect your symptoms. I would always recommend a person get as far as possible from the location of such significant reminders. Usually two scenarios, military and childhood abuse, cases. Military need to leave the location of military townships, and childhood abuse sufferers need to get out of the town that abuse took place.

Pretty much all other traumas do not require moving, and I mean "require", and can be resolved more readily with exposure therapy.

 

[jphillips90]

No. I'll just leave it at that.

 

[anthony]

Jes... it can be really hard for supporters to grasp. I had soldiers get PTSD and thought they were bludging... until some years later I got it, then I fully understood, and the egg was on my face. Whilst I still treated my soldiers well and helped them, internally I thought they were full of shit. It wasn't until I got it that I could understand.

 

[arfie]

I let my husband find his own books, when and if he is ready. My experience with this phenom (34 years married plus 40 odd years of support groups) convinced me that spouses, in general, make lousy therapists, even if they are great, licensed therapists for people they are not married to. Normal marital stresses are allot to handle. Add in abnormal psychology needs and ... Ouch.

I got more from developing my own therapy network than from expecting my husband to develop support skills for my problems. When I am able to fill my own therapy needs elsewhere, the dialogues between my husband and I become less demanding and more productive.

Gentle support while you sort your own, Jes. Welcome to the forum.

 

[desiderata310]

@anthony I couldn't not have continued to live in the same town as my ex so.. I'm inclined to say that one should be added to the list.
A. my life was in danger
B. there were triggers both at work and in the general public... and it was a major metropolitan area. He would frequent places I went so he could torment me.
Not to start a disagreement... just saying that this is a scenario that often comes up as well.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

I am very Inclined to agree with @anthony on this particular Point. I had my breakdown and my support network vanished.

I was literally 'hung out to dry'. My family disowned me and my friends left me due to their ignorance of PTSD and how it actually affects a sufferer.

Ask him to read the thread Anthony has suggested above, but let him read it without you there, he needs to make that step for himself if he is to accept and fully understand this.

Kind regards and a :hug: from the UK

Laurie

 

[anthony]

my life was in danger

Your life being in danger was the reason for leaving, not the traumatic event itself. Difference between the two views. Life being in danger is obvious... I was talking about traumatic experience only in relation to the effect of PTSD symptoms.

Military trauma - when still located in a military town.

Childhood trauma - when still located in the same town.

Those are the only two definitive type of trauma where the person MUST move location IF they want to remove a whole lot of symptomatic stressors from that single act.

 

[jphillips90]

@arfie There has been a miscommunication somewhere because I'm very aware of my spouse not being one of my therapists...I am in no way trying to make him fulfill such a role. What I am needing him to do in order to have a healthy marriage and positive example for my children to learn from is for him to cope with my illness, gain knowledge of PTSD, understand realistic expectations, learn tips for how he (as my spouse not dr) can help and process his anger, frustration, and guilt (one trauma was an attack leaving a second job at a bar I got and he thinks he should've gotten the second job instead and disagreed with me working at a bar) I think spouse's have a recovery of sorts they need to do for themselves in order to be healthy like sufferers do. I totally agree with him reading it on his own alone and when he wants. I know my guy though and he honestly would just take a stab in the dark and buy the first book he saw that was somewhat on topic. I just want to get one that has helped others the most. I plan on leaving it in the bathroom in all honesty and leaving it at that. Therapy session may benefit other spouse's greatly ( and maybe at some point he would want to do it) but I think it would be too pushy. If he went it would be to apease me...kinda defeats the whole damn purpose. I go to my reg sessions for me...no need to bring him for my benefit. I really just want to offer it the book as planned and if after some time has passed...if he reads it and it helps great, if he doesn't then I think it would best for all of us to focus on co-parenting and seperating smoothly. I want to see my family happy at the end of the day...however that may be. We will see.