Why Do People Stay Silent?

[Justmehere]

"The only thing needed for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing" - Edmund Burke

I'm working through some pretty intense grief that is stirred up by processing trauma in therapy.

I'm angry. The most disturbing thing to me in the world is not that horrible things happen. The hardest thing for me to grapple with is that when horrible things happen, sometimes good people stay silent about it.

I know it could be said that maybe those people are not good, but that doesn't resolve it for me. People who are not abusers often stay silent to abuse they know is happening. Why?

I tend to be someone to speaks up about anything that is wrong that anyone else is silent about - to a fault. It's a compulsion for me. Once anyone verifies the problems is there, I find relief.

My trauma happened as a child in a community that knew about the abuse, had the resources to do something about it, and didn't. As an adult, neighbors who are doctors and therapists and lawyers have all sought me out to tell me they knew I was getting abused when I was a kid, they did nothing, and they were sorry. They sought me out because they did nothing about another kid in the community getting abused - and that kid's father, a doctor by day, shot and killed that child a few years ago. The father then called the police, told him he shot his kid, and that he was going to shot himself. He then did so. In the papers, I read my neighbors saying stupid stuff like "the only thing I can think of to say is that this is weird." Weird?! Or "I knew they had problems, we thought things were getting better." Or other comments about how they knew there was problems but did nothing, figured it would "work itself out."

Or the fact that child protective services was contacted many times about concerns the children were getting abused, and they went to the home and figured counseling for the child was enough. Hours after the murder/suicide, the director of CPS issued a statement stating that they had already reviewed the file and gathered their staff to "reassure" them that they didn't make any mistakes.

No mistakes made?! They determined that just a few hours after the kid died?! CPS makes mistakes all the time, and screws up a lot. The thing that really bothers me is that CPS in my town saw a child die of abuse, a child they had reports on, and they don't take any time to do a through eval. They didn't even wait for the final police reports or autopsies to be done. Nope, in a few hours they deem they did nothing wrong, nothing needs to change, and reassure themselves they didn't make any mistakes. The bodies were not even cold yet.

For me, when the police were notified I had physical injures from abuse as a child, they did nothing. Nothing. My uncle told them they were getting me help. He was a doctor. The police did nothing. My teachers saw signs and did nothing. My uncle gave me antidepressants and did nothing except to tell me to not make my abusive father mad. That's all he did. Even as a teenager my uncle admitted that my father hurt me and etc. but he did nothing.

I rant about silence about abuse or problems of any kind. But, maybe I'm not so different. I work with kids in foster care. It is a f--ked up system. I can only stand it for one morning a week. In my area, they allow some very aggressive and abusive restraint and seclusion practices of kids in foster care who act out. Other states have better systems and stricter laws. I know this happens to the kids I work with, but every time I try to engage a solution for them, including changing the laws here, I freeze. I do nothing. In my case, it is because it brings back too much of a flood of my own PTSD symptoms... But still, I stay silent about it and this haunts me.

I know I can't change the world. Or much of anything...

But I can't seem to let any of this go. I'm angry. So very angry.

I'm not sure this post even makes any sense.

 

[Friday]

There's a difference between silent & gagged.

I could stop my son's abuse very easily. Kill his father. That's the only option left to me as I've already done everything I can within the law (and, yep, father found guilty on all counts, and still awarded custody). Of course, the other outside the law option is kidnapping. Which, at best, might give my son a 6 month reprieve. Less, most likely, as he forgives his father / blames himself even while he's still healing / within 24 hours. Meaning even if I had the money to run (I don't)... I give it 6mo tops before my kiddo reached out to his abuser, and I'm in jail for kidnapping/custodial interference, and kiddo is being abused full time.

Those are just the cold, hard, painful facts.

There is little to nothing that people can do to stop abuse. Unless they're willing to go to prison for murder. The law doesn't give a f*ck. There is nothing family, friends, neighbors, teachers, doctors, etc., can do. Cause the courts just keep giving kids back to abusive schmucks who'd be in prison for life if they did any of these things to anyone else on the planet.

Reporting? Such a f*cking joke. It takes dozens of reports for anything to happen. And that's just the first stage of a looooooong process which means... Nothing will happen. Because even if found guilty of child abuse and neglect? Weekend anger management seminar, baby! And here ya go. Full f*cking custodial & parental rights.

I'm sure people reported, if they're telling you they knew what was happening. Does jack shit. Doesn't change a damn thing.

 

[Ellabella44]

i dont know why eiether .. nieghbors had to see my mother chased around my fathers car with a claw hammer, him screaming at her.. they did nothing. any injuries i had were minor and easily healed like a fat lip if i talked back. I'd do something for my daughters friend who i know her parents are alcoholics, but we are unable to give her more than a night or two here, told her i had a bad childhood as well, I encourage her to get help and she is seeing a guidance counselor at school she says... and looking for other ways to help herself, but she wont tell me whats going on ... so im doing all i can....

wow id be angry at those people that came up to you. to speak up to you later as an adult, really what is it, you want to talk and make yourself feel less guilty that you turned a blind eye and didnt look into if the kid was ok.

 

[Ellabella44]

and yeah i see your point friday... i thought that would be my only way to escape my parents marriage...she wouldnt leave him till i was 10.

 

[Ellabella44]

part of why im here... only way to stop cycle at home to me was to stop him permantly, then she would stop taking his sh*t out on me. (after the divorce she stopped and became emotional abuser till well present day.) my therapist said that if my daughter's friend does open up to me it might trigger me... I think id take the risk though. really i dont see how she could make me worse. but I try to make her know shes not alone.. she needs a break .. we give it to her... little bits of safety are important.

 

[darrenS]

i understand exactly how you feel , the sad part is there is only a very small percentage of people who come forward - i have learnt the hard way to never expect anyone to intervene - most will do their best to look the other way - you can only rely on yourself

 

[Deleted member 12723]

The blind, deaf and dumb people just look the other way. They do this in groups when the truth surfaces and even turn against the truth teller.

I am so very angry at the people coming to you now to apologize. They are there to get rid of their guilt. I am so sorry they are doing this to you now.

 

[Seagreen]

Are you asking why victims stay silent or bystanders?

I think victims often stay silent because they are afraid to confront their abusers. They feel small and powerless and fear the reaction the abuser will have. Then there is the painful emotional backlash of actually telling someone what happened. They may already feel they are close to breaking point and cant take anymore pain. They may be barely making it through the day. Thinking / talking / sharing about abuse is really hard! It takes a certain level of stability even to get to that stage and then its almost impossible to cope with if you don't have the right support. A lot of people don't have any support at all or it is limited. They may have no one to stand up for them and feel unable to stand up for themselves. Even if they do manage to confide in someone there is going to be a risk that the person doesn't believe them or will judge them. Victims get judged all the time for being attacked, raped, beaten abused ect.. Often the attention is taken completely away from the abuser and placed on the victim "what were you doing out so late anyway?" or for parents who have had a child abused "how could they have trusted him / her to be alone with their child?". Even if they do manage to tell someone pressing charges can be a gruelling process. The victim may have to face their biggest fear and testify against their abuser. There a may also be judgment or attack from other members of the family or community. They may be accused of lying or causing trouble which not only invalidates their suffering but makes them look like the bad person. Yet they have not hurt anyone. They may be already be feeling at the weakest moment of their lives getting out of bed is hard enough let alone all of the above. After all is said and done (and that could take years) there is a good chance that the abuser will receive an insufficient punishment or be found not guilty. Then there are other factors such as shame and not wanting to cause a rift in the family. This is only really the tip of the iceberg.

Why do bystanders say silent? I'm not quite sure. I think fear has something to do with it. No knowing how to respond. Simply not wanting to get involved? Or maybe they think someone else should / will do it. Interested to hear others thoughts on this...

I think it would help immensely if we all focused less on blame and more on solution. We all have a responsibility to take part in the solution and to love and care for each other. Its a hard world to live in.

 

[StarChild]

Dear @Seagreen, the very first sentence of the very first post is a quote, and it is my understanding that this quote is kind of an introduction into this subject matter. And, again as I understand it, the specific humans mentioned in this quote, are the bystanders. Because they choose to look away. Please @Justmehere, correct me if I'm wrong.

"The only thing needed for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing" - Edmund Burke

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't know why other people stay silent, but I do know why I stay silent (at times).

I've seen parents "behaving badly" toward their children out in public. I want to say something to them, but I never do. I'm terrified of people at times. (It sort of goes with the PTSD territory.) If a parent is willing to do those bad things to a child in public, how will they respond to me if I confront them? They may scream at me or worse, lash out physically. Usually the parents yelling or hitting the child makes ME freeze as it triggers me, so I feel helpless in those moments. Am I proud of this? No. I already know how parents take EXTREME offense to ANY sort of suggestion that implies (in any way, shape, or form) that they are a "bad" parent. They have the "I know what's best for my kid and nobody can tell me otherwise" attitude, especially since I'm childless. (Sigh, if only they knew how much raising of my little brother and sister I had to do....its not as if I'm totally clueless.) Maybe this post will give me the courage to say something next time, even if I'm in a triggered state.

As for why people don't report abuse when they know its happening? I have no clue.

 

[Intrepid]

I know it could be said that maybe those people are not good, but that doesn't resolve it for me.

For a while now I have said that people are crazy. And that doesn't resolve it for me either.

People are not crazy, they are only limited. Families are limited. Laws are limited. Institutions are limited. They're all limited by fear, greed, doubt, distraction, and a thousand other things that make this world so far from heaven.

And us? We do the best we can.

 

[Kefira]

I have had similar experiences, and been similarly upset, particularly as I couldn't find anyone back then who seemed to believe me.

I think perhaps it's a similar phenomenon to how people like to discount our symptoms and the effect of our trauma. It's easier not to see it and not to acknowledge it. There's also a lot of social fear as to whether one will be ostracized by their peers or even physically attacked themselves if they confront someone they believe is abusing others. Not an excuse for leaving an innocent and helpless child in harm's way, but in some ways we never leave all the social wounding of high school, and we are deeply fearful creatures at times all too aware of our own mortality. Frankly I think it's most likely that if people snap out of their denial, it would mean they recognize that if successful, kind Mr. So-and-so down the block, who brings homemade potato salad to the block party, or coaches little league or volunteers for the school board is abusing his children it could just as easily be their family.

People who haven't lived this want to believe that it's only monsters in hoods in dark alleys they have to be afraid of, and the fact that it's statistically so much more likely to be father, brother, uncle, friend... Well, that's just about too much to handle. So when it's happened to me that people have apologized years later for inaction, I've tried to accept the fact that maybe they needed that long to be able to call it what it was, and that they needed the perceived threat to them to be gone to do that.