Need Help With My Insecurity And Anxiety

[swordsmen]

My girlfriend who I love very much has made me feel insecure about what she has said to me in the past about her ex-boyfriend. It's been a lot worse ever since I lost my virginity to her.

She used to go into great detail of how her ex-boyfriend used to be in bed. She even said that out of all her past relationships, this one boyfriend made her feel something completely different. She also told me that she used to get him a lot of good things on his birthday (3 shirts and a dinner). This girl didn't get me anything for my birthday (except a simple cologne from Hollister). For christmas I told her I was going to get her something. She replied saying that I shouldn't get anything for her as she can't get anything for me because she is really tight on her money (single mother with three kids).

She claims she loves me very much ...she introduced me to her kids and her family too which she didn't do with her ex.

But part of me feels insecure about how she praised her bf. It affects my self-esteem, self-confidence and even my performance in bed. I'm not sure what I can do to help myself. I do have anxiety issues but its mainly because of the things she used to say. She has apologized to me and said she would never say it again to me but part of me still cringes and its affected alot of facets in my life.

I need help. Someone please help me.

 

[Philippa]

Yes, it was extremely insensitive of her to talk about her ex in this way to you. That is a huge no-no and she didn't get the memo. I'm sorry you had that experience. Personally I would dump her ass on that point alone if I were you...or at the very least express to HER how it makes you feel. She may be genuinely unaware that she is being a f*ckhead!

How is telling us going to get it through to her that it was a f*cked thing to do to you?

Try looking over what you said in your last paragraph and re-phrasing it to say "Hey ...... Are you aware of how your speaking about your ex affects my self-esteem, my self confidence and the way I feel about myself? How would you feel if I started going on about how great my ex was in bed compared to you? Would you like that?"

Also, here is a thread anthony started which might help you realise that no one can make you feel anything or affect you. https://www.myptsd.com/threads/criticism-is-it-them-or-you.49588/

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I agree. What a shitty thing to do!

 

[arfie]

My girlfriend who I love very much has made me...

A breakthrough in my own recovery was centered around the realization that other people don't make me. Period. Not ever. I am a whole person reacting to outside stimuli. My feelings are part of that reaction. Taking ownership of that is where I moved from being a helpless victim to taking charge of my own recovery.

In a case like what you are describing, where I am experiencing painful reactions, I set boundaries. Sorry, hon, I love you, but I can't listen to this... Sometimes the boundary even diverts the flow enough to help me work out the painful reaction. Sometimes.

Gentle validation while you sort what works for you, swordsman. I'm not sure I could handle that narrative, either. Boundary time.

 

[Kefira]

A breakthrough in my own recovery was centered around the realization that other people don't make me.

Yep.

I also don't think any of us can help you much on this. You need to have a talk with her and you need to figure out if you can heal your hurts and if she can understand or at least respect a boundary that you set. If not, you need to consider whether the relationship is worth it.

But you also need to stop comparing yourself to him. Gifts don't mean a lot. I love some of the people in my life right now a lot. I'm also broke and semi-homeless. Things happen and gifts are a really bad and shallow indication of someone's affection, in my opinion. And there are a million reasons to or not to introduce someone to family which may or may not be a good indicator. But bottom line is you measuring everything she does against how you know or think she treated her ex is ALSO bringing an invisible third party into the relationship and it's not fair to either of you.