I'm kind of stuck and not really sure how/when the time is to do this. When do you know the time is right to tell your spouse you were raped? The twisted backward part is we've been married almost 15 years already. :-( It's haunting me in a way so unimaginable. It happened before we were married by a random unknown person. I never dealt with it and just thought if I pretended it didn't happen, I could go about my life as if it didn't. I was so wrong. :-( Part of my therapy is trying to tell my spouse. It's not being pushed and at my own pace....and I know I need to, it's just not one of those things that pop up in conversation. How do you bring that up. I have so many fears about it. And, afterwards.... it will be weird I would imagine. I wish this was easier.
-
We are a multilingual website again. Read the notice about this.
-
Understand AI use at MyPTSD: all AI use is explained in our AI help page. AI use is by choice here. It exists if you want it, but does nothing unless you choose to use it.
Sexual Assault How Do You Tell A Spouse?
- Post starter IWIK
- Start date
- Status
My husband and I have been married 25 years and I just told him last year. He knew I had some sort of trauma but he wasn't exactly sure what. I was molested as well so when things would come up I would allude to that but never brought up the rape.
I was scared to death. At first I just told him that it happened and explained that I was working on it at therapy. He was surprised but very supportive.
A couple days later he came to me and said it was driving him crazy and wanted details. I ended up taking him with me to therapy but still didn't want to give him specifics.
Finally I relented and let him read the email I sent my therapist about the rape.
I didn't respond well to what I thought was him freaking out about it. I came to realize that I had years to come to terms of the idea of it....even though I hadn't dealt with it....it wasn't completely new information to me but was to him.
For a week or so I was completely paranoid that he was treating me differently and I didn't want that. He is a great husband but I felt like he was being even nicer and coddling me. I hated it.
I worked through all of that with my therapist and within several weeks we had returned to normal except that we were even closer and this huge sense of relief came over me.
I am glad I told him. It was difficult and I had to allow him to go through his own stages of healing which wasn't something I expected or was prepared for.
Telling him has helped me and we have gotten closer so it worked out for me.
Are you in therapy? It was extremely to have guidance going through it!
I was scared to death. At first I just told him that it happened and explained that I was working on it at therapy. He was surprised but very supportive.
A couple days later he came to me and said it was driving him crazy and wanted details. I ended up taking him with me to therapy but still didn't want to give him specifics.
Finally I relented and let him read the email I sent my therapist about the rape.
I didn't respond well to what I thought was him freaking out about it. I came to realize that I had years to come to terms of the idea of it....even though I hadn't dealt with it....it wasn't completely new information to me but was to him.
For a week or so I was completely paranoid that he was treating me differently and I didn't want that. He is a great husband but I felt like he was being even nicer and coddling me. I hated it.
I worked through all of that with my therapist and within several weeks we had returned to normal except that we were even closer and this huge sense of relief came over me.
I am glad I told him. It was difficult and I had to allow him to go through his own stages of healing which wasn't something I expected or was prepared for.
Telling him has helped me and we have gotten closer so it worked out for me.
Are you in therapy? It was extremely to have guidance going through it!
Nam
Diamond Member
15 years is a long time to be with someone. I'm almost there. I'm pretty sure that he knows something is up anyway. I know it's not the same experience...but when my memories surfaced about my childhood trauma, my hubs was not at all surprised. It explained a lot.
I would make sure that you preface the conversation about how serious it is. And how important it is for him to just listen. I don't think details is necessary unless you want to share them. After you are done explaining and ready for feedback, you can signal that you are done. You'll have to give him some space and room for him to go through the emotions he may feel.
I would make sure that you preface the conversation about how serious it is. And how important it is for him to just listen. I don't think details is necessary unless you want to share them. After you are done explaining and ready for feedback, you can signal that you are done. You'll have to give him some space and room for him to go through the emotions he may feel.
Just read that again! Definitely a time to lean on your therapist. It was the only time I ever had my husband go to therapy with me and I must say it was really helpful to have a visit to process that together.
- Post starter
- #5
@Leigh925 is it something you suggest doing during a therapy session? I've never had him come and the thought of that kinda scares me...almost like it is moving in on my personal space, yet I know having him come would be beneficial also. This is just so hard. :-( It is to the point of impacting our marriage though so it's time to move forward and address the situation. It's just scary all around.
I had never had my husband come to therapy either. It was the first and last time for the very reason you stated. That is my space and I needed it to stay that way. I was completely freaked out about it.
We actually had the session to talk about the impact of the information and why my husband felt he wanted to know more details than what I wanted to give. All I wanted to give was...."I was raped." My husband wanted the who and the when and the how. I didn't think I could share that with him. During that session I decided it would be okay to share an email I had written my therapist about it. We didn't do it in session. We left the office and came home and I let him read it.
He was heartbroken for me and had his own steps of healing to do but he has been extremely understanding and it has given me the freedom to be more honest especially about our own sex life. Sometimes I would have to kind of check out to have sex with him because I didn't want to reject him and I always felt this worry that if I didn't sexually please him whenever he asked he would want to leave me.
So our relationship has shifted for the positives in so many ways. It really was worth it.
I also think it helped my therapist to meet my husband. He got a better "feel" for how he responds and the kind of person he is so I think I actually get better advice now on that part of it as well.
It also made my husband much more comfortable with my therapist. Initially it bothered him because wanted to be the one to take care of me and be there for me but I think he realized my issues were well beyond what we could handle on our own.
Ellabella44
Diamond Member
time is well when youre ready to, i also tried to pretend it happened to someone else, my experience, ive been married for 17 years, and memories resurfaced, with nightmares earlier this year. couldnt believe how scared I was the night after the first one. I ended up writing my husband a note and running off leaving the house... but he read it... and if im tense or nervous at first, he is patient and brings me out of it. its going to be one of the things we talk about when i bring him to session to talk about ptsd with him and my therapist. hes seen me being freaked about it and well since it directly is something that includes him, i think my flashback etc from the experience would be easiest for him to understand.
leigh thats what im hoping as well , hes a bit bothered that i cant talk to him , but i can talk to someone i havent known as long as him. I am hoping that my therapist explaining things to him will help him like it did for your husband.
leigh thats what im hoping as well , hes a bit bothered that i cant talk to him , but i can talk to someone i havent known as long as him. I am hoping that my therapist explaining things to him will help him like it did for your husband.
- Post starter
- #8
@Leigh925 I could be writing your post word for word! I need my space for this and that going to therapy seems to be the only place I have to clear my head without the influence and surrounding of my everyday life. I don't want to answer the questions of who, how, etc. Fact is...I don't even know who. :( It was a random act of violence I was fortunate to survive, but still hold a lot of blame on myself for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Part of my therapy early on was to write the story out. I have not read it in a long time, but I really don't think it's something I could ever let him read. Idk. ..that's another time in the future.
Our own sex life has suffered as I have such apprehensions during sex myself and avoiding it is much easier than doing it. When doing it, I check myself out so I don't have to relive any of it.
Thank you so much for the insight. ..I could have written your story myself and it helps that you've done it. I'm just so worried about so many of the reactions that could come from it. The award feeling between us afterwards. The feeling of him viewing me different. Just many things.
Part of my therapy early on was to write the story out. I have not read it in a long time, but I really don't think it's something I could ever let him read. Idk. ..that's another time in the future.
Our own sex life has suffered as I have such apprehensions during sex myself and avoiding it is much easier than doing it. When doing it, I check myself out so I don't have to relive any of it.
Thank you so much for the insight. ..I could have written your story myself and it helps that you've done it. I'm just so worried about so many of the reactions that could come from it. The award feeling between us afterwards. The feeling of him viewing me different. Just many things.
Lucycat
Sponsor
'How Do You Tell A Spouse?'
Very, very carefully. Respecting their desire to know - or not - and your desire to share.
You need to consider what you both have to gain and to lose from sharing. As previously mentioned you need to be aware this will be a shock to your partner. They may feel like you have lied to them, and may wonder what other secrets you are keeping from them. They are likely to be hurt and sad - for them, for you, for the fact that the relationships is not built on the foundation that they thought.
I am not for one minute saying don't do it. Just be ready for the fall out. I have never told my husband the detail of the sexual abuse I endured. Neither of us felt that was necessary. But he was very upset that I had not told him far sooner. He says he would like to have had the opportunity to 'do something about it' - ie challenge my abuser. I am glad that never happened, but it is what he wanted to be able to do and I denied him that chance.
I am glad you are working with a therapist on this. Why does your husband think you are seeing a therapist? Does he have a suspicion?
Very, very carefully. Respecting their desire to know - or not - and your desire to share.
You need to consider what you both have to gain and to lose from sharing. As previously mentioned you need to be aware this will be a shock to your partner. They may feel like you have lied to them, and may wonder what other secrets you are keeping from them. They are likely to be hurt and sad - for them, for you, for the fact that the relationships is not built on the foundation that they thought.
I am not for one minute saying don't do it. Just be ready for the fall out. I have never told my husband the detail of the sexual abuse I endured. Neither of us felt that was necessary. But he was very upset that I had not told him far sooner. He says he would like to have had the opportunity to 'do something about it' - ie challenge my abuser. I am glad that never happened, but it is what he wanted to be able to do and I denied him that chance.
I am glad you are working with a therapist on this. Why does your husband think you are seeing a therapist? Does he have a suspicion?
- Post starter
- #10
@Lucycat after the assault I went on to a very abusive relationship that I eventually married into. My spouse knows about that relationship, but not all of the in depth details of it. Just that it was not a good situation and abusive. He knows I go to therapy because of that but doesn't realize how much more involved it is. Believe me, this wasn't anything I ever planned on bringing out to anybody in my lifetime. I thought it was locked away deep down in a part of me that would never resurface again. I was so wrong all these years later. :*( Now I'm trying to fix this broken part of me and don't know how to do it.
@IWIK I asked my husband if he had any advice from a male perspective. He mentioned a couple of things.
First he said of course all men are different so obviously it depends on the man. But he said when I told him for me it was 27 years in the past but because it was new information to him....he felt like it just happened. He wanted to jump up and protect me and he was angry. It took him a couple of weeks to settle down. He was never upset with me but he was furious with the person who had done this to me.
He said even though he didn't know me then he felt sad that he wasn't there to protect me.
On a side note....he said everything my parents didn't say when I told them a neighbor was molesting me. So it was kind of a two for one step to healing for me.
Secondly.....it gave him a lot of answers.....and brought up a few questions. When someone loves you and knows you well after so many years they kind of get an inkling about signals that we send off that we don't even realize. When we first got married I was hyper sexual. When I was stressed or dealing with trauma I was interested in sex at all. Sometimes during those fluctuations he would feel like he had done something wrong or that it was something about him. So when I told him I think there was a little relief for him when he looked back on some experiences that I didn't even realize was hurtful to him.
He also said that even though it had been difficult that he felt like it had been worth it and that he sees that I am more relaxed even when I am dealing with the old stuff and he can sense better times to approach me because he is aware and more tuned into me.
What I do is prepare for the worst case scenario and then I am covered. Your therapist could help you prepare for different responses and maybe you don't have to throw it all out there at once but slowly open the dialogue with small references.
My husband also said there was one thing that stood out to him. He said it was when I told him that I wanted to tell him something because I loved him so much and wanted to be even closer to him...,and that I wanted our intimate time to be even better. I didn't ask my therapist but I think in my mind even though it was a serious situation I kind of approaches it with some levity. I was thinking male versus female perspective....that most men would want to know how they could be having more sex with their wives! Lol. I felt like the more he understood me the better that would get and it worked.
The last piece of advice I would get is that I have learned that the people in my life take their cues from me in how to react. I remember talking to my therapist about how to talk to my children. My 22yr old daughter asked me a lot of questions when she was last home from school.
He said if you decide to tell her. Choose a time when you are feeling particularly good. Tell her you have a plan and you are working on it. When you are solid in your statements it makes it less scary for them and creates a sense of safety even when you are talking about something really bad.
It worked very well. She didn't freak and she tends to lean toward the flair for the dramatic and she has been extremely supportive. I only told her because she had shared some things with me that she was conflicted about and she had a roommate who was cutting and she was very confused by her behavior. I also didn't tell her any details like I had my husband.... But even with him I said my therapist and I have a plan. I am taking care of myself.
There is a lot to think through. Only you can decide but if you trust your husband then he may really surprise you in the best way.
If you don't trust him....then maybe work on that for awhile to see if you can build that up.
Baby steps!
Good luck. I am here if you need to talk! Thanks for your post. It was an interesting opportunity to go back and asked my husband the good and bad of how we handled that obstacle! I learned even more from him today.
First he said of course all men are different so obviously it depends on the man. But he said when I told him for me it was 27 years in the past but because it was new information to him....he felt like it just happened. He wanted to jump up and protect me and he was angry. It took him a couple of weeks to settle down. He was never upset with me but he was furious with the person who had done this to me.
He said even though he didn't know me then he felt sad that he wasn't there to protect me.
On a side note....he said everything my parents didn't say when I told them a neighbor was molesting me. So it was kind of a two for one step to healing for me.
Secondly.....it gave him a lot of answers.....and brought up a few questions. When someone loves you and knows you well after so many years they kind of get an inkling about signals that we send off that we don't even realize. When we first got married I was hyper sexual. When I was stressed or dealing with trauma I was interested in sex at all. Sometimes during those fluctuations he would feel like he had done something wrong or that it was something about him. So when I told him I think there was a little relief for him when he looked back on some experiences that I didn't even realize was hurtful to him.
He also said that even though it had been difficult that he felt like it had been worth it and that he sees that I am more relaxed even when I am dealing with the old stuff and he can sense better times to approach me because he is aware and more tuned into me.
What I do is prepare for the worst case scenario and then I am covered. Your therapist could help you prepare for different responses and maybe you don't have to throw it all out there at once but slowly open the dialogue with small references.
My husband also said there was one thing that stood out to him. He said it was when I told him that I wanted to tell him something because I loved him so much and wanted to be even closer to him...,and that I wanted our intimate time to be even better. I didn't ask my therapist but I think in my mind even though it was a serious situation I kind of approaches it with some levity. I was thinking male versus female perspective....that most men would want to know how they could be having more sex with their wives! Lol. I felt like the more he understood me the better that would get and it worked.
The last piece of advice I would get is that I have learned that the people in my life take their cues from me in how to react. I remember talking to my therapist about how to talk to my children. My 22yr old daughter asked me a lot of questions when she was last home from school.
He said if you decide to tell her. Choose a time when you are feeling particularly good. Tell her you have a plan and you are working on it. When you are solid in your statements it makes it less scary for them and creates a sense of safety even when you are talking about something really bad.
It worked very well. She didn't freak and she tends to lean toward the flair for the dramatic and she has been extremely supportive. I only told her because she had shared some things with me that she was conflicted about and she had a roommate who was cutting and she was very confused by her behavior. I also didn't tell her any details like I had my husband.... But even with him I said my therapist and I have a plan. I am taking care of myself.
There is a lot to think through. Only you can decide but if you trust your husband then he may really surprise you in the best way.
If you don't trust him....then maybe work on that for awhile to see if you can build that up.
Baby steps!
Good luck. I am here if you need to talk! Thanks for your post. It was an interesting opportunity to go back and asked my husband the good and bad of how we handled that obstacle! I learned even more from him today.
- Post starter
- #12
@Leigh925 wow what great advice/information. Some days I feel like I will just completely lost my own grasp of control and let it all out the wrong w as y at the wrong time. Some days I feel like I have this all in a solid hold. It as just been so heavy on my shoulders lately. You have given great advice and I really do appreciate that. I need to work on myself and my nerves of doing this.
- Status
Similar posts
Donation drives
Trending content
-
-
What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
- goingonhope
Comments: 34K -
-
-
-
