Sexual Assault I Don't Know What To Do...

[shimmerz]

but when the rules of the game throw the meaning of the word "no" out the window, one has to be careful and create another word that means "no".

There is no word that means no in consenual non-consent. That is the whole point of the 'game'. Rape is not a valid word in this dynamic.

You, my friend, if you see what happened as rape (which in fact it is), should not be playing the consenual non-consent game.

 

[NukaGirl]

Ok, here's me being REALLY blunt!

If you don't have a SAFE word in the context of play, then yes, anything does in fact go, and no, it wasn't rape. I'm not victim blaming, but if you're going to get involved in PLAY, you need to know how the game works. No safe word means that you are setting yourself up to be a victim. If you were just playing and didn't have a safe word, then you set yourself up to be victimized. I say this as in the context of PLAY, no does not mean "no".....some people have rape fantasies where the word "no" is just part of the game.

Don't you dare lecture me about BDSM. I have been a part of the scene for five years and I am FULLY aware of the importance of safewords and safe gestures. I did not go down there for play. It was suggested by him, and I said no. Because I was in a relationship.
I had mentioned to him a nightmare I'd had the previous night, one of that nature, and he asked me if I wanted it to happen for real. I said no, and he didn't listen. Because we had been discussing rape play, I think he may have thought at that point in time that I wasn't being serious about not having sex with him. That's what I want to believe.
Odhinn above Solara do you know how much you sound like the police who interviewed me? I didn't come here to be spoken to like a child. I didn't come here to have some self righteous person try and educate me about a scene I know very well.
If you have nothing else to say that doesn't involve you treating me like I know nothing, Solara, you can kindly back the Hell off.

 

[NukaGirl]

You can't change the definition of "no" and then scream rape. (That's essentially what consensual non-consensual does.) This guy probably didn't know that you wanted him to stop as yes, you did initially agree to everything.....so when you wanted things to stop, he didn't know that you wanted him to stop. Don't ruin his life because you changed your mind mid-game. He didn't rape you.

I already said once before that he suggested it and I. Said. No.
I had not gone down there to play. I had gone down there to reconnect with a very dear friend that I hadn't seen in three months. I was having a rough time at work and I needed a break. So he said to come down for movies and pizza. So I did.
When we were laying down in bed, his bed, I told him about a nightmare I'd had the previous night. He then asked me if I wanted him to do that to me, and I clearly told him no. But he did anyway. And I said no again during. Several times. But he didn't listen.
There was no safeword because for the last time there was no play. We had talked about the possibility and I had told him that no, I wasn't going to do that because I was in a relationship.
I'm sure you're aware that in order for play to happen there must be hard limits and such like agreed upon before. Well there was none of that. Because I told him NO. That if he tried any funny business I would kick his backside seven ways to Sunday.

 

[shimmerz]

That's what I want to believe.

Then until you challenge that @NukaGirl that is exactly what you will believe.

I feel like the Universe is giving me a chance at closure...

You can't have closure on something that you refuse to see as it is. This says it all.

Because I want to believe that. I want to believe so badly that he didn't know I was being serious...

Why are you asking us anything if you are so stuck on needing to believe this was okay? You don't want to know.

Don't you dare

Then don't ask. And assign your anger to the person that deserves it. I am exiting this post for that reason. Good luck to you.

 

[NukaGirl]

That was directed at Solara for trying to educate me on something I researched intensely before entering the scene.

 

[shimmerz]

Okay, I said I was out but will do this one more time.

Consensual Non-consent requires a contract. You know that. From your previous posting you had no contract with this (I am going to call him an abuser).

What I'm saying is there's a part of me that wants to believe that maybe, just maybe, he didn't realise.

If he knew anything about the scene he knew he was doing the wrong thing (by you). If he didn't then he knew as well. A double bind. Either way he knew it was wrong.

Because there are people out there, who don't know, or don't realise, that what they've done constitutes as rape.

Really? Don't know what rape is? Let me introduce the other group. The group who don't care. He sounds like one of those. No words will make him care. Not just about sexual abuse but abuse in general. Took me 50 years to figure that out. I hope you learn more quickly than I did. It saves a ton of grief.

a very dear friend that I hadn't seen in three months

If this is him, I suggest you find a different way to describe him. This is not what a very dear friend does. You know that right?

 

[scout86]

Really? Don't know what rape is? Let me introduce the other group. The group who don't care.

That would be my personal best guess.

I don't know that there is a thing that IS "what to do". You have options and the same option isn't going to work for everyone. I've talked with my T about "these people" and how their minds work several times. We were talking about child molesters, but I suspect the mindset, the lack of respect and empathy, are shared traits. What he said was that "these people" are typically so focused on what THEY want, and what their perceived needs are that they are incapable of seeing the harm that they do. If it's "good" for them, by definition it MUST be "good". It's a limited view of reality that is their road map.

I obviously don't know this guy. Maybe he's not a narcissistic jerk who thinks the only thing in the universe that matters is what HE wants. I suspect, somewhere, there may be "Good" in him. Personally, I'd let someone else have the job of mining for it, but that's up to you. I'm strongly in the camp of those who suggest being prepared for the worst case scenario. But you sound like you kind of know what you want to do,

 

[joeylittle]

I didn't come here to be spoken to like a child. I didn't come here to have some self righteous person try and educate me about a scene I know very well.

Thank you for clarifying this. Honestly, it wasn't clear from any of your posts. Sometimes we know our own lives so well we forget to include things that seem basic to ourselves, but that a stranger could never know without being told.

From what you describe, it's clear that you went through sexual assault. I don't know UK law, but you were physically assaulted and it involved sex. I think rape is still a really complicated word that often seems limited to a stranger in a dark alley, and that "general sense" can cloud the central issue.

You're talking about closure, and I just want to say again - please consider what you and you alone want/need to express. If your desire for closure is at all tied to any response you want from him, even if you don't know what it is - then you are not really going for closure, you are re-engaging with your attacker as a way to somehow end this event that still plagues you.

Have you been in therapy? Could you get some counseling before taking any other action?

 

[RussH]

My only question is; if you ask him if he knew you were serious when you said no, and he answers yes, how will that affect you, and what will you do about it?

 

[NukaGirl]

Yes, I am prepared for him to tell me that he was fully aware of what he was doing, that he knew I was being serious. To me, either outcome is closure. Either forgiving him, or accepting that he is a monster and being able to look him in the eye and tell him that he doesn't scare me anymore.

 

[Chava]

Is this the same scenario you were describing in November (just saw your other post pop up on the recent posts)? If it is, you are describing it differently, which I still think warrants a conversation with a therapist vs bringing the jumbly difficult mix of feelings and memories to question with this guy, hoping for closure. And it sounds like you have a therapist. Have you asked your therapist about contacting this guy?

p.s. if this is the same guy you have reported to cops and have even slightly considered reporting again (even if that's not your thought right now), NO WAY should you be contacting him over facebook.

 

[NukaGirl]

No, it's not the same. The situation I posted about in November was about my ex boyfriend. And I do. She's just been busy, and so have I been.