Attention Seeking Faker

[shimmerz]

I have a bit of a difficult time digesting this whole thing. My sister constantly called me a 'faker' every time I expressed any problem, be it a sprained ankle or the flu. If I threw up for a week while she watched, she would still call me a faker, I know that now but as a kid I had no defense for the accusations. I think I carried that forward.

Next in line to accuse me of fakery was my mother in law. Next were all the 'friends' who accused me of lying about my ex's campaign of terror, more were people who didn't know my ex ex psychopathic father of my children dude who campaigns against me (with my children's consent) to this day. Then there was the time when I had my first job .... I had to go onto disability because I kept 'fainting'. I was young at the time, 18 or so and the adults around me felt like I was being dramatic to get out of work (aka, lazy).

Now that I think about it, I got called a ton of really horrible things because of my battle with CPTSD (which I didn't know I had).

I am a very hard worker - have been all of my life - but I haven't been able to work at a conventional job for 8 years now. People still call me lazy. People who have seen the way I worked for 25 years - raising kids on my own, the list goes on and on. No idea why I am justifying myself here - probably so as to fend of the barrage of lazy comments that I have become accustomed to. I should know better here, as I am pretty sure most of you know the drill on this.

Oh, and just to clarify, this isn't a 'woa is me' kind of post; just to clarify that too. And while I am at it, I just want you guys to know that I am doing my very best to get better. Driving myself into the ground (which isn't helpful if one is to get better) but just so you will SEE how hard I am working - harder than most so you can't accuse me of being lazy or stupid or faking. Because if I was faking I wouldn't work hard to get better right?

See where my head goes? WTF?????? Anyways, never mind. *heavy sigh*

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that we are indeed hard workers. However, what we work hard to achieve is what "normal" people take for granted. We work hard to feel safe. Most people take that for granted. We work hard to manage our symptoms. Most people don't deal with these symptoms. Most people have no problems with basic functioning. We oftentimes do have a hard time even doing the bare minimum. So what comes easy to most is actually something that we work hard for, but because it is easy for them, they just assume it is easy for everyone, and at the end of the day when we've put in all this hard work just to get to their ground zero, OF COURSE we have no more energy (much of the time) to do anything more! Lemme tell ya, this crap IS hard, and if you threw those other people in our shoes for a day, they would go bug-eyed with the struggles that we face. No, I'm not saying this as a woe-is-me reply, rather I'm saying this so that we can indeed realize that we are working hard.....its just that what we are working hard to achieve is different than most, so they don't necessarily see it as hard work. Does this make any sense?

Maybe this was a bit too tangential. My apologies.

 

[Ronin]

I relate quite a lot (added bonus of being called a faker in things I was being most honest and vulnerable in) - thing is, you can always go with 'so I'm a faker.... but I still don't need to fake humanity and empathy and all of those things YOU apparently lack'. There's victories in things. They're just very hard to undig from all of that dust.

 

[scout86]

@shimmerz ? Sit down, take a deep breath, and relax, ok? You deserve to!

I can see that justifying yourself is a big deal. I can relate to it, to a point. In my own case, oddly maybe, I decided early on that it was impossible and pretty much gave up on the idea. Sort of a mixed blessing maybe.

A couple thoughts. The people you "need" to justify yourself too pretty much aren't worth the lead it would take to blow them to you know where. You get that, right? They can't see what's in front of them. They've already made up their minds for their own reasons and they see the world as they do because, for some perverse reason of their own, that's the way they NEED to see it. They are not interested in the truth. They are not interested in justice. You are never going to change their minds. And making them see your truth doesn't necessarily have to be part of your job description.

There is a version of "the perfect world" where "justice" is a real thing and it happens all the time. It happens now and then here, but randomly, near as I can tell. Whether it happens or not depends on randomness, nothing else. In that "perfect" version of reality, you give your reasons, the listener says "Oh! I'm sorry. I didn't get that. Thanks for opening my eyes!" (That apparently DOES happen once in awhile, even in this version of reality, but don't hold your breath.)

In that same version of the perfect world, kids always get the love they need and deserve too. Again, it happens here sometimes, but apparently randomly. Not getting it doesn't mean you're "bad". Getting it doesn't mean you "good". It's the luck of the draw. You pick up your cards and you chose to play what you're dealt. Or not.

As long as YOU know that you're not a malingerer, that's all that really matters. And, you're not. And, there are plenty of people who KNOW you're not. Probably more than you realize. It doesn't HAVE to be unanimous. In fact, it's pretty much guaranteed that it won't be. I suspect your "sister" was twisted in a different way by the people who raised you and she's probably beyond hope. (Because, like my brother, she lacks the ability to see she has a problem.) Same with the mother-in-law. And, your ex's friends? Well they were friends with a psychopath, right? You don't seriously think they count, do you? I mean, really, even Mother Teresa probably couldn't convince that group she was a nice person. You're setting an awfully high bar for yourself, it you really expect everyone to appreciate the real you. Some people do. If you can let that be enough, life would be easier.

Actually, how hard you try happens to be what I see as one of your very BEST attributes. If some people don't get it, well it's THEIR loss!

 

[illusionist]

Sending my respect....and I don't hand that out easily!

 

[shimmerz]

Walked away and had my own private meltdown for a bit. OMG! Breathe woman, breathe. No, don't breathe or it will feel bad. lol. Push, pull, push pull. I so badly wanted to post but couldn't because I thought it would be all drama-esq. Nowhere to turn. Breathe.

See here is what I remembered when I had my hissy fit on myself tonight about all of this. I had to fake it when I was little. I had to fake dying or they wouldn't leave me alone. When T-doc originally asked me how my catatonia 'felt' (I hate that word!) I told him it felt like I was faking it.

So is all of this getting all messed up? Am I remembering the shame in having to fake it and then triggering when people say I am faking it? Do I buy into that nonsense because at one time I did, indeed fake it just to survive?

Does this make any sense?

Absolutely it does. Thank you so very much for the validation.

we've put in all this hard work just to get to their ground zero,

I never, ever thought about this. This is why I feel like a rat in a wheel. What did I do today? Nothing. No, not nothing, but not anything that would be considered on the radar of a normal person. Therefore, I must be faking it. Got it. Thank you. This ties into my feelings of being misunderstood.

being most honest and vulnerable in

So, so very true. You hit it on this one. And fakery is a lie. I despise lies. Calling me a liar is the only time I have the urge to be violent. I never have, but as FridayJones stated in a post, I lean back in my chair and I have already killed you three times in my mind. Fakery - lies. Got it. Thank you.

take a deep breath, and relax, ok

I love you for your 'chill posts'. lol. You are so cool! Gasping is considered breathing, isn't it? I swear I am having my own mini breakdown here. Over being a faker....really? Talk about drama queen. Or is that tomorrow's treat?

As long as YOU know that you're not a malingerer,

But you see, that is the question here. I did fake it. I have gone catatonic for years during the 2 major stints with PTSD reactivation that I have remembered. For days at a time. The catatonia during the time of my infancy, I think, stemmed from my needing to fake death in order to live. If that was the case, then is all of this catatonia now just fakery?

You don't seriously think they count, do you?

Apparently. lol. I am ridiculous.

If you can let that be enough, life would be easier.

Yes, you are right. And I don't think that is really what I expect, that everyone see the innate goodness in me. I think, lurking underneath all of this tonight, is a trickster in my mind that is saying 'you really are a faker; they were all right'.

 

[shimmerz]

@richter scale , there is something very poignant about finding someone with a similar background. Yes, we have each other's backs, I am certain of it. Grateful for your beautiful gesture and looking at you with respect, and knowing, in my eyes. Thank you.

 

[sun seeker]

You haven't done nothing today, you've worked out some pretty big stuff in your mind. Good work!

I could relate to a lot of this. The need to justify yourself, to make sure people understand, the rage when people think you're lying when you're not, the doubting what is your own truth, the constant work that never feels like enough.

But you see, that is the question here. I did fake it. I have gone catatonic for years during the 2 major stints with PTSD reactivation that I have remembered. For days at a time. The catatonia during the time of my infancy, I think, stemmed from my needing to fake death in order to live.

Sounds like you were a smart baby to figure that out!

If that was the case, then is all of this catatonia now just fakery?

Ah the doubt of our own minds, the shame over the things we do to survive. If only "good" and "bad", "true" and "false" were as clear as they are on TV. Here's a different question to ponder: does it really matter? Could you assume that just as you needed it to survive when you were a baby, for some reason you still need it now, and set your focus on that why that is instead of beating yourself up about it? You can do that with anything, even a physical symptom. It's a different way of looking at life. Instead of "Aack! A headache - take a pill!! A tumor - cut it out!!" turning to face whatever it is and asking what its message is. It wouldn't be in our lives for no good reason.

 

[shimmerz]

does it really matter?

*Shimmerz stops dead in her tracks* Is that an option here? You mean it doesn't have to matter? If it didn't matter.....trying to figure out how that works....but it sure sounds good. Funny thing is, I don't do the catatonia anymore. It left mid November. Don't know where it went and don't plan on looking too hard for it....but.....hmmmm. Does it have to matter......uh, huh.....mulling.

Comes back to explaining. If I don't explain then no, it doesn't need to matter. It is the explanations and searching for them that make it matter. Goddamm you guys are good! Back to the explanations post! Thank you!

 

[Eleanor]

You get that all that crap about you being a faker and lying was all a huge pervasive effort at gas lighting, right?

And I'm pretty sure you can't "fake" catatonia. Catatonia itself is certainly not fake. It is a real thing. It responds to medication sometimes. Unless you were getting up and sneaking out for milkshakes and going to the movies in the middle of the night after an arduous day of holding yourself still by force of will, (which I trust you were not) you couldn't possibly have been faking it. Kids are incapable of intentionally "faking" this sort of thing. Curling themselves into a fetal ball to protect themselves, yes. Playing possum (for relatively short periods of time) yes. But those don't count a "faking" anything.

What exactly catatonia IS neurologically speaking is beyond me to describe, but functionally it is an extreme protective mechanism.

Apparently, in your case it is 100% effective. You are, after all, still with us. (Phew!)

You are a person who is VERY dedicated to the truth. And so, the child part(s) who were totally dependent for survival on those... individuals... likely needed to make them right at some level to be able to go on. And once it figures out that need is past, it will rapidly (perhaps instantly) realize that they were just bare assed lying and ... everything will be much simpler.

 

[Eleanor]

RIGHT. What @sun seeker said.

Precisely.

 

[shimmerz]

being a faker and lying was all a huge pervasive effort at gas lighting, right

I am thinking back to Judith Herman and her take on trauma and lies. I feel like I had to gaslight myself in order to stay alive. I had to pretend death on such a deep level that I had convinced my primitive self that I needed to be dead (which wasn't a lie at the time).

And I'm pretty sure you can't "fake" catatonia

Hmmmm. lol. I can't believe I actually have to think about this one given the following statement

getting up and sneaking out for milkshakes and going to the movies in the middle of the night after an arduous day of holding yourself still by force of will,

I didn't no, but that little voice in my head was attempting to get my body to understand that this was by far a better way to spend my time.

So where I continually go to the word faking, perhaps I need to reframe this for myself. I am not certain what it is, but that combined with other posters ideas may well just do it. Jeez, it seems like I am cycling through major truth after major truth each night. Thank you guys for helping me so much. Seriously.